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Author Topic: You seem open and lovely so I thought I'd write to you  (Read 1021 times)

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Offline mammamia

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You seem open and lovely so I thought I'd write to you
« on: June 14, 2014, 09:17:41 PM »
Hi there - I am the friend of a newly diagnosed gay man living in Newcastle, Australia.
I love him very much and am feeling all over the shop emotionally - he is in lock down and hasn't felt anything yet. I understand that this can be managed like any chronic illness so am guarding against letting my imagination run rampant - the reason I am not so good is he went to a medical centre to get bloods for tiredness, a persistent UTI and he was just feeling generally blaaah & (luckily) they tested him for HIV. His usual Dr wasn't there the day the results came in so he was told OVER THE 'PHONE and to come back Monday. So.
So. We have been sitting on this for 4 days and he won't know until tomorrow what levels or treatments or stage he is up to. I am reaching out as you may have some advice or succour for me. There are other significant stressors happening in my life as well but I really need to make his welfare my priority...he is estranged from his mother and the rest of his family are very straight Catholic blokes who he won't be disclosing his newly diagnosed status to. There is some pressure attached to knowing his 'secret' so I thought connecting with someone o/s might help me.
The thing I am wondering is - b/c his bloods came back positive for HIV & herpes and he has had a recurrent UTI for about a year...whether the UTI is a common co-condition...my head is having a little party worried that he is further along than just freshly exposed to it. Thank you in advance for reading this - I have nothing to give you back and I really appreciate you taking any time to help me. MammaMia
Love many, trust few, and always paddle your own canoe

Online Jeff G

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Re: You seem open and lovely so I thought I'd write to you
« Reply #1 on: June 14, 2014, 09:24:42 PM »
Welcome to the forums . You didn't mention if you are living with HIV yourself but I moved your post into the someone I care about forum . Its your own thread so it will get the attention it deserves .

Offline mecch

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Re: You seem open and lovely so I thought I'd write to you
« Reply #2 on: June 14, 2014, 09:44:34 PM »
HIV does not cause UTI infections.
If he is well along in HIV infection, this can go along with getting UTI infection but they are caused by bacteria that are not HIV the virus.
Yes it is nerve-wracking to wait for more information about his infection.
I hope all goes well.
Why don't you encourage him to join here when he is up to it.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline zach

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Re: You seem open and lovely so I thought I'd write to you
« Reply #3 on: June 14, 2014, 11:03:34 PM »
you didn't bolt for the door, so you're already way ahead of the game. all the first advice we'd would have given is "calm down, everything is gonna be ok" sort of stuff

no matter where his numbers are, or the progression of this virus, you can still be with him. just go slow, lot to learn for both of you. with or without your support, he's about to go for a mind fuck. its rough adjusting

far as his health. for a minute its a waiting game of tests. first positive, then confirm, then all the counts and resistance profiles, then choices for meds, then life gets better. somewhere in all that, there will be some difficult moments. maybe even a break down. but everything gets better.

as to any infection risk for you. wear condoms for anal and vaginal. problem solved.
gonna go up to the mountain, for to find a little peace
looking over the valley, for the beauty i see
out across the hills, forevermore

Offline mammamia

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Re: You seem open and lovely so I thought I'd write to you
« Reply #4 on: June 15, 2014, 12:05:03 AM »
Thanks guys - I feel a little better just having said it out loud (with my fingers) ;)
OK so maybe a little info on the picture here - I'm a straight woman so I don't have the worry of having it transmitted to me from him but seriously, he is the best 'partner' I have ever had - and I'm struggling. Just really sad. Just last week we were talking seriously about his longing to be a father and I was considering going there - that is how much I love him. So you know - I'm sad that he won't be fulfilling that wish he had. We've been inseparable for years  - pretty much the whole Will and Grace scenario - sure you're all familiar with it. Even when we have sexual relationships of our own we're just still as close. It is a wonderful friendship and I am in for the long haul. I will definitely suggest this site to him - I spoke to a gorgeous helpful man from NAPWHA (National Association for People Living With HIV Australia) who sent me a link to you, recommending it.
My friend has taken the day off work tomorrow to visit the Dr etc and I guess start to try and process the whole thing. Terrible timing. He has so much going on professionally but hey - when is a good time to be told? Your words were very helpful Zach - he has never believed in counselling and recognises that he has very cleverly crafted walls and towers around himself so no doubt, as you say, there will be difficult moments as these may start to crumble. In other brilliant timing I have a law exam tomorrow so in between writing case summaries I find myself just sobbing - we're just really thankful it isn't 1983 and that there are great meds and services. I hope all of you on here are travelling well and send warm and genuine thanks for your support.
Love many, trust few, and always paddle your own canoe

Offline zach

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Re: You seem open and lovely so I thought I'd write to you
« Reply #5 on: June 15, 2014, 12:16:31 AM »
"I'm a straight woman so I don't have the worry of having it transmitted to me from him"

remember that part about you both are going to have a lot to learn... that statement is a good place start. you are flat wrong. straight/gay/male/female hiv doesn't care.
gonna go up to the mountain, for to find a little peace
looking over the valley, for the beauty i see
out across the hills, forevermore

Offline Grasshopper

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Re: You seem open and lovely so I thought I'd write to you
« Reply #6 on: June 15, 2014, 02:32:41 AM »
"I'm a straight woman so I don't have the worry of having it transmitted to me from him"

remember that part about you both are going to have a lot to learn... that statement is a good place start. you are flat wrong. straight/gay/male/female hiv doesn't care.

Can a gay man transmit hiv through casual contact (= non sexual !) to a straight female / lesbian ?



OK so maybe a little info on the picture here - I'm a straight woman so I don't have the worry of having it transmitted to me from him but seriously,

 We've been inseparable for years  - pretty much the whole Will and Grace scenario - sure you're all familiar with it. Even when we have sexual relationships of our own we're just still as close.

I don't think Will & Grace or Jack & Karen were sexually active with each other   :P

Offline zach

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Re: You seem open and lovely so I thought I'd write to you
« Reply #7 on: June 15, 2014, 02:56:44 AM »
ok, i get it, she isn't in a sexual relationship with the guy

i missed that the first pass
gonna go up to the mountain, for to find a little peace
looking over the valley, for the beauty i see
out across the hills, forevermore

Offline wolfter

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Re: You seem open and lovely so I thought I'd write to you
« Reply #8 on: June 15, 2014, 06:08:27 AM »
Welcome, you are truly a great friend to him.  At this point, it really is a wait and see approach.  Speculating will simply drive you both crazy.  Worrying about something needlessly sometimes indicates you needlessly worried.

I'm not sure of a connection between UTI's and HIV.  I've lived with HIV/AIDS for a very LONG time and have never had one.

take care and best wishes.
greg
Complacency is the enemy.  ;)  Challenge yourself daily for maximum  return on investment.

Offline bmancanfly

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Re: You seem open and lovely so I thought I'd write to you
« Reply #9 on: June 15, 2014, 08:22:19 AM »
Your friend is lucky to have such wonderful support.

I won't comment of the advisability of having a child with a friend but it is possible for HIV+ people to have HIV- children.  I'd put that on the back burner for a while though.

Best of luck to your friend.  Just take things one day at a time.  It really does get better with time. 
"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt."

 Bertrand Russell

Offline eric48

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Re: You seem open and lovely so I thought I'd write to you
« Reply #10 on: June 15, 2014, 12:57:27 PM »
... I'm a straight woman so I don't have the worry of having it transmitted to me from him but seriously, he is the best 'partner' I have ever had - and I'm struggling. Just really sad. Just last week we were talking seriously about his longing to be a father and I was considering going there - that is how much I love him. So you know - I'm sad that he won't be fulfilling that wish he had. We've been inseparable for years ...

There is a saying here that says:

If a guy's got a long time girlfriend, he is most likely gay

I really do not see why you should ditch that plan...

If YOU want to live with this man, if YOU want kids with him and he wants the same, there are no reasons to hold back

Legally, I suppose you can marry him

Technically, there is a 'detail' in life , between a man and a woman, a husband and a wife , called 'sex'

Well... do not expect too much on that front, if your friend is technically 'not performing' with girls in general.

If you can live without (much) sex and can't live without him, then , give it a try

Not going into details, even for someone who is not turned on by the opposite sex, in a good number of cases a little blue pill, a good porn, a good wine and favorable stars may help a (limited) number of sexual acts

For HIVers, here, medically assisted procedures are free of charge. Yet, you may want to know that HIVers who are under successful treatment and so called UD, adherent to their treatment, the transmission risk is so low that people do it the 'natural' way.

Our clinic has one (HIV neg) child this way; another clinic I know of has 12 among 7 couples

So here again, there is nothing you can't do

In keeping a gay man has your husband, you should make some free space for him to have extramarital relations, and, I would advise that you clarify this. And the other way around.

When a child comes, people change. Hopefully, they will share the desire to rise the child(ren) together

I have done it so I know it is doable; others have done it too...

I have never felt bad or sad about it.

Kids, eventually, leave the nest ... So what ? Life goes on ... Before you know it 20 years have passed

20+ happy years... What comes next , comes next

For us, the future most likely means being together, why not... And looking forward to grand children

Modern day HIV won't be in your way

Eric

   

NVP/ABC/3TC/... UD; CD4 > 1000; CD4/CD8 ~ 2.0   safety stock : 2 months

Online Jeff G

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Re: You seem open and lovely so I thought I'd write to you
« Reply #11 on: June 15, 2014, 01:06:18 PM »
On the down low 101 ^^^

Offline emeraldize

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Re: You seem open and lovely so I thought I'd write to you
« Reply #12 on: June 15, 2014, 04:28:48 PM »
On the down low 101 ^^^

From the up high?  What do these mean ^^^ ?
That is what I wanna learn about.

And yes, OP, we are open and lovely and so are you.
You and your friend are gonna figure it all out.





Offline zach

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Re: You seem open and lovely so I thought I'd write to you
« Reply #13 on: June 15, 2014, 04:38:29 PM »
just means you're responding to the previous post in a thread, without going to all the effort of quoting them
gonna go up to the mountain, for to find a little peace
looking over the valley, for the beauty i see
out across the hills, forevermore

Offline emeraldize

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Re: You seem open and lovely so I thought I'd write to you
« Reply #14 on: June 16, 2014, 08:24:29 AM »
Thank you Zach.^^^. Practicing.

Offline leatherman

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Re: You seem open and lovely so I thought I'd write to you
« Reply #15 on: June 16, 2014, 09:17:31 AM »
just means you're responding to the previous post in a thread, without going to all the effort of quoting them
which is always weird since I have my feed set to newest replies first (just like facebook). I can't imagine  having to scroll through each page to get to the newest posts. So usually there is no post the ^^^ are pointing to. LOL
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline zach

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Re: You seem open and lovely so I thought I'd write to you
« Reply #16 on: June 16, 2014, 11:24:58 AM »
@leatherman... ^that may be a problem.

another shorthand, the at sign identifies who the poster is speaking to

i don't think there is like a funky waggle rules for the internet

and teenagers text speak, go figure, its like a new human language developing in our time
gonna go up to the mountain, for to find a little peace
looking over the valley, for the beauty i see
out across the hills, forevermore

Online Jeff G

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Re: You seem open and lovely so I thought I'd write to you
« Reply #17 on: June 16, 2014, 12:16:40 PM »
>>> I didn't mean to cause a riot .

Offline leatherman

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Re: You seem open and lovely so I thought I'd write to you
« Reply #18 on: June 16, 2014, 06:41:54 PM »
its like a new human language developing in our time
nothing new there. "American English" has been evolving since the colonies were founded.
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline harleymc

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Re: You seem open and lovely so I thought I'd write to you
« Reply #19 on: June 18, 2014, 10:14:45 AM »
Newcastle branch of ACON the Aids Council of NSW.
http://www.acon.org.au/communities/regional-nsw/hunter/services

 


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