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Author Topic: Splitsville  (Read 1885 times)

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Offline Live040314

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  • Posts: 35
« on: May 19, 2014, 02:21:55 PM »
One of my biggest fears was realized yesterday. My partner and I were diagnosed on April 3rd. Since that time, our relationship has taken a monumental hit. Whether it be in communication, my sex drive, or just downright personal stress on both of us. Yesterday he made the decision he was no longer happy in our relationship and decided to pack up and move out. I can see that he is unhappy, but so was I. I thought after a while things would begin to calm themselves and life could resume as normal between us. He apparently could not wait any longer. So here I am, 30, 2 months positive (knowingly) and alone when I need him the most. I'm a little angry that he doesn't want to talk and work things through. The financial worries have started to reappear in my head again now that I will be a single income household again and it scares me.

I know a lot of you may be thinking it's early in the break, give it time, but I really feel he is gone. He won't respond to me.

Has this happened to anyone else shortly after diagnosis? How did you cope?
4/3/14 Diagnosed
4/10/14 Initial Labs VL 12000, CD4 736 (30%)
4/27/14 Started Complera
6/10/14 VL 173, CD4 680 (34%)

Offline vertigo

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  • Posts: 202
Re: Splitsville
« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2014, 04:09:09 PM »
Wow, very sorry to hear that.

I don't think you've really said too much about your relationship, other than that you were both diagnosed poz together.  How long have you been together?

Obviously, big stressful events can put a toll on any relationship, and this is one of the biggest.  My own unscientific take is that most relationships probably do not survive the news.

For me, the morning after my dx my partner said he was leaving.  We had been together 11 years at that point.  (He remains neg.)  But he never actually moved out and we're still a couple two years later.  But it did impose a lot of extra stress on our relationship.  I don't think we've really put it behind us yet.

You could try counseling if your partner is open to it.  If he isn't, then you may need to adjust mentally to moving on.  Again, sorry for this news.

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Splitsville
« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2014, 06:33:38 PM »
Im sorry you are dealing with this . I have a pretty dismal track record and seem to have mastered the art of divorce better than the art of staying happily coupled, so as a favor to you I will martial advice to others and stick to saying I am so very sorry you are going through this painful break up . BIG HUG .
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Offline geobee

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  • Posts: 346
Re: Splitsville
« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2014, 06:42:31 PM »
My partner of 21 years left just after my dx.  That was (wow) 4 years ago.  I was devastated.  Dealing with divorce and the diagnosis at the same time wasn't easy.

If I could offer three pieces of advice --

First -- tell your close friends and family.  This mind sound a little radical.  But you need a support group.  If your partner was your main confidant, you need to get another one, and the sooner the better.

Second -- if someone leaves you because of this well, they have no idea what "for better or for worse" means.   I am happier now, as a single poz person, then I was when I was neg and in a relationship.   

Third -- if your insurance covers it or not, get some professional help.  There are  lot of good therapists out there.  If you're in the SF Bay Area, send me a PM and I can recommend a good one here.

Offline drewm

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  • Posts: 1,245
Re: Splitsville
« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2014, 07:22:44 PM »
The best advice I can offer is to get some counseling if at all possible. NO. SERIOUSLY. (Not yelling, just emphasizing.) This can be too much all at once. You need someone to lean on  ;)
Diagnosed in  May of 2010 with teh AIDS.

PCP Pneumonia . CD4 8 . VL 500,000


Numbers consistent since 12/2010 - VL has remained undetectable and CD4 is anywhere from 275-325

Offline buginme2

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Re: Splitsville
« Reply #5 on: May 19, 2014, 08:22:02 PM »
My partner of 21 years left just after my dx. 

What a dick
Don't be fancy, just get dancey

Offline vertigo

  • Member
  • Posts: 202
Re: Splitsville
« Reply #6 on: May 19, 2014, 10:25:48 PM »
Good advice from geobee and drewm regarding therapy/counseling.  I was thinking in terms of couples counseling, but of course you should also be looking after your own individual well being.

Offline Live040314

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  • Posts: 35
Re: Splitsville
« Reply #7 on: May 20, 2014, 01:17:45 PM »
Sorry it took me a while to respond. I disconnected from the world for a day and did some soul searching. This really is just shit (pardon my French), honestly I think I would be handling this better had he actually been negative but the fact of the matter is that I believe I contracted from him, so now it's as though he's given me a gift and then just parted ways...it's aweful to think of someone you love in that light, but it's true. It's really just a horrible reality and there isn't much I can do. As far as counseling, I'm looking into it. Tomorrow is a new day I guess.
4/3/14 Diagnosed
4/10/14 Initial Labs VL 12000, CD4 736 (30%)
4/27/14 Started Complera
6/10/14 VL 173, CD4 680 (34%)

Offline mecch

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  • Posts: 13,001
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Splitsville
« Reply #8 on: May 20, 2014, 02:42:19 PM »
Merde!  Pardon my French, too.
I'm sorry to hear it. 

Heartbreak, splitsville, and when you are both reeling from diagnosis. How long were you together?  Is it really down to HIV-related bullshit? How was it going before you both knew?

Cutting contact  :-X :-X :-X  is kinda lame if there wasn't some obvious betrayal on your part. What is it? Anger at you? Why?!  ??? ???  Anger or shame about himself? Perhaps! Anyhoo, he'll have to make his way. Maybe eventually you'll get some dialogue about what when wrong, or why it had to be scorched earth.  Maybe not. 

Well, you have to rally your troops for support. See people you like. You are young, you'll figure out the finances - it is a big shock a single income after awhile with double!  :( >:(  It took me a bit too long to really adjust to that, I must say... You have to be active about it and hard on yourself.

When the time is right, you'll bump into your next love.

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Live040314

  • Member
  • Posts: 35
Re: Splitsville
« Reply #9 on: May 25, 2014, 02:37:46 AM »
Well, it's been a week. I'm afraid I've done all that I possibly can do at this point to salvage our relationship. I have made mistakes and I am afraid I am doomed to accept that fact. It has become extremely lonely in my head. I've never really been the depressed type, but I am becoming this way. I cannot shake the feeling that there should be something more that I can do. Is a second chance too much to ask for?

A little background, we were together 3 years. It had it's moments but I think all relationships do. Toward the end after our diagnosis I kind of withdrew a little. Not because I didn't love him tremendously but because I have been dealing with a lot lately. Whenever id bring up HIV and my concerns, he would tell me to stop freaking out. It bothered me and I felt like I couldn't talk to him about it. It perpetuated a feeling of being alone and I guess this caused a huge divide. I made this mistake with him and now I'm paying the price. I wish I could take it all back and be there for him more. This is the main reason I've ascertained, I wasn't there for him enough, not as close and wanting to be around him and he was unhappy. I can't help but think he is over reacting to the stress of the whole situation...I'm lost.
4/3/14 Diagnosed
4/10/14 Initial Labs VL 12000, CD4 736 (30%)
4/27/14 Started Complera
6/10/14 VL 173, CD4 680 (34%)

Offline Theyer

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  • Posts: 2,695
  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: Splitsville
« Reply #10 on: May 25, 2014, 04:00:46 AM »
I am sorry , its a Pain like no other.

You ask about others experiences. Back in the death days there where many examples of courageous love and scared ,frightened cowardice and downright nasty self centered abysmal behaviour.

Your last Post struck me as very self punishing , please try not to go there it sounds inaccurate and really will not help in any way.

The point about some counselling /support ---this off course is made harder by your financial worries , but could be a good long term investment. There are also ways off getting free therapeutic help which your clinic should be aware off.

Everybody who gets this diagnosis I cannot help but imagine at some point experiences a sense off extreme loneliness , its inevitable anything to do with mortality seems to have that effect. So when a break up occurs so early on it underlines what is already there .

It will not last , things will get better , keep posting.
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn


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