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Author Topic: I WANT TO BE SEDATED!!!  (Read 986 times)

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Online zach

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« on: May 15, 2014, 06:56:15 PM »
thats all. i just want to stone myself to incoherent oblivion. almost ten years since heroin. most of the time i'm fine with it. just something i used to do.

but the last week. dunno. i haven't been depressed per se. i know that well.

remembering the smell of poppy, drifting me off to sleep

just want to be high enough to get away from this for a hot minute

Offline Jeff G

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  • How am I doing Beren ?
« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2014, 08:03:41 PM »
I have these days too Zach . I told my pain management doctor just yesterday that I wanted a drug that left me clear of mind but would make me feel nothing from the neck down and the clear of mind thing was optional . I told her I will know when the meds are working when I no longer need oven mitts .

I got lucky and I hope it sticks ... I got tired of where self medicating was leading me and have no urge to use in many years now but I am careful to add the I hope it sticks thing because if I get too cocky it might come back and bite me .

Offline BT65

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« Reply #2 on: May 17, 2014, 06:23:22 AM »
Hey Zach,
I feel like this many days also, but I know a "hot minute" would turn into days, then months, etc. etc.   I've been sober for quite a while now, but like Jeff said, if I get too cocky, the demon will move right back in.

The one thing I find odd is how surprised people get when a drug addict, recovering or not, says (s)he feels like using.  Hello, drug addicts like drugs!  Nothing wrong with feeling like this.  The thing is what you do with that feeling. 

I don't know if you go to 12 step meetings, or if that's not for you.  I personally don't go, I used to, but almost everyone I'm associated with is either in NA or AA, or they don't have an issue.  I don't hang out with people who are in "the life," if you know what I mean. 

Do you have any friends there who are familiar with your circumstances, that you can talk to, in person, and do things with?  This helps a lot.  I still do attend some NA functions, like dances (I usually volunteer), and sometimes conventions.  And this helps.  Not that you "have" to do that, but it does help me so I'm just sharing that. I definitely have one friend who's stuck with me through thick and thin who I talk to several times a week, and this really helps.  She's been sober over 20 years.

Stay strong, go slow, day by day, moment by moment.

I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Theyer

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« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2014, 08:22:32 AM »
Completely sane,logical desire{shared} in my opinion. Given what you have been through I am surprised its not more often. As Betty  and Jeff have said continue to stay strong.

"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Online zach

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« Reply #4 on: June 25, 2014, 09:02:35 PM »
just stressed

every fucking human being i came into contact with today was nodding off

Online zach

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« Reply #5 on: June 26, 2014, 06:27:12 AM »
i'm really starting to see the early stages of some type of dementia in my dad, and concurrent his addiction to needed pain killers is escalating.

we went into the city last night to eat with son. he didn't bother telling me he'd just dosed of codone, totally drifted out of the lane on 75. i had even offered to drive for christs sakes

eats benzodiazepines like crunch candy too

i can't tell if the fog he's in is only drug induced or if some haze is in setting on his mind.

lot of alzheimers in my family.

then earlier yesterday old friend walking down the back alley saw me gardening, so he ducked in to say hi. hide out at my swing, shoot up under my jasmine, get things right i guess.

i'm starting to see little difference in the two of their behaviors.

Offline Jeff G

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  • How am I doing Beren ?
« Reply #6 on: June 26, 2014, 07:50:57 AM »
There is a woman I know right now that has significant pain in her life but its her addiction to the pain killers and Zanix that is ruining her life at the moment . She is in complete denial about it and her doctor she has been seeing for 30 years naturally stands by his decision to prescribe the drugs for her no matter how many family members beg him to realize the reason she cant walk and falls down most days is the drugs and not her medical condition .

She fell and shattered her shoulder while overly medicated and now is totally dependent on her brother and brother in law . They cant do this for her forever and she is going to end up in a nursing home for the rest of her life very soon . Its a tough call when you have people that must be treated with addictive medications that end up abusing them ... if she wont take responsibility along with her doctor her future is bleak and grim . The solution is easy to identify but putting it into practice will be painful and hard, perhaps too hard to do in the end . 

Online zach

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« Reply #7 on: June 26, 2014, 10:45:16 AM »
not to mention his daily lottery habit, which i've never understood, man is a frkn mathematical genius

yet when he has money in  his pocket, i can watch every single symptom of a drug addict

Offline Paarthurnax

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« Reply #8 on: June 26, 2014, 10:23:16 PM »
You will be fine, just give yourself time :)

~Don't give up, live your life.~

~Love until it burns, love until it hurts, love until its numb~

Online zach

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« Reply #9 on: June 27, 2014, 12:35:06 AM »
 >:( go way, i ain't the one

Offline mrtoad

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« Reply #10 on: August 17, 2014, 12:52:37 PM »
 also it's a good ramones song
prezista with a kick from norvir,
Truvada, Intellence. celexa,xanax.Revolving statin

Online zach

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« Reply #11 on: August 17, 2014, 03:26:54 PM »
never heard it  ;)

Offline drewm

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  • I have a sling and a dungeon :-P
« Reply #12 on: August 17, 2014, 05:37:49 PM »
I can relate. I was a meth whore for close to 10 years. Sometimes, my Sustiva dreams take me back to snorting, banging whatever and the dreams are SURREAL. I don't have the desire to spin myself into the ground anymore but I would be lying if I said that those were not some of the HOTTEST...BEST DAMN DAYS of my life. That being said, it's just not worth it!

Hang in there man!  ;)
Diagnosed in  May of 2010 with teh AIDS.

PCP Pneumonia . CD4 8 . VL 500,000

Numbers consistent since 12/2010 - VL has remained undetectable and CD4 is anywhere from 275-325


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