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Author Topic: Positive boyfriend, born with it, found out after 7 months together, heartbroken  (Read 1218 times)

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Offline Songforzula

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Hi
About a month ago I found out that my boyfriend it's hiv+ after 7 months together. We have always used protection and I got tested before and after I found out and the results were negative. However I am still trying to deal with the news as it truly devastated me I really love this guy and can really see this relationship going somewhere but I don't know how possible it will be to have a long term relationship. I find myself worrying about the future, I am 20 years old and he's just turned 24 and apparently he was born with it and only found out when he was 19 and he started his meds immediately. His cd4 count is now at round 650+ and his viral load is undetectable. My biggest fear is continuing in this relationship and then loosing him prematurely. I also worry about him getting ill and then having to slowly watch him waste away and possibly die which would truly tear me apart. Another worry is also the fact that he was born with it and was living with it unknowingly for round 20 years without meds and even though his Cd4 count and viral load are good at the moment I wonder if his body's not already too damaged and also wonder if that affects his life expectancy. I don't want to share some of my concerns with him as I don't want to stress him out or upset him as i know this is not easy on him either. I also worry the chances of me catching it when living together as I said we always have and always plan to use protection in terms of condoms, but I've heard they're not 100%. Please help any advice.

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Hi
About a month ago I found out that my boyfriend it's hiv+ after 7 months together. We have always used protection and I got tested before and after I found out and the results were negative.

---  Well I suppose it would have been more gracious if he told you before you got serious, but it is what it is. He always “double” protected you with the safe sex and by being undetectable. There was never the slightest risk, just to clear that issue.

However I am still trying to deal with the news as it truly devastated me I really love this guy and can really see this relationship going somewhere but I don't know how possible it will be to have a long term relationship. I find myself worrying about the future, I am 20 years old and he's just turned 24….

---  It is very hard to predict the future and how long a relationship will last.  HIV+ status is just another piece of the puzzle. There is no reason a serodiscordant relation can’t last decades.  So many things will happen to the both of you over the years…  Who knows, really.  Live for now and be optimistic about the future, like any young couple….


and apparently he was born with it and only found out when he was 19 and he started his meds immediately. His cd4 count is now at round 650+ and his viral load is undetectable. My biggest fear is continuing in this relationship and then loosing him prematurely.

---  Return to my comment above. You could fall out of love. Sad to say, but one of you could have an accident.  One of you could have some untreatable disease. God forbid.  The medical science says your BF isn’t going to die due to HIV for many decades, if ever because of HIV, so isn’t that enough for you? The often quoted prognosis these days is "near normal" lifespan...

I also worry about him getting ill and then having to slowly watch him waste away and possibly die which would truly tear me apart.

--- Since you know this is a chronic manageable disease and your bf’s infection is already successfully controlled, your fear is based on what?  Fear… emotions.

Secondly, loved ones are often called upon to nurse their beloved through a horrible accident or illness.  Either you love him, or your don't. If you do love him, then what is the point of such negative imagery and hypotheticals.  He could just as easily end up nursing you through something.

Another worry is also the fact that he was born with it and was living with it unknowingly for round 20 years without meds and even though his Cd4 count and viral load are good at the moment I wonder if his body's not already too damaged and also wonder if that affects his life expectancy.

--- That is an interesting question, and I bet only a doctor, and only his doctors precisely, might have an intelligent answer…..   My hunch is here, again, your fears are out of proportion. How is his health generally?  Good? Strong constitution?

I don't want to share some of my concerns with him as I don't want to stress him out or upset him as i know this is not easy on him either.

--- Yes that is wise of you.  But here and there, you certainly have a right and need to talk about such things….

I also worry the chances of me catching it when living together as I said we always have and always plan to use protection in terms of condoms, but I've heard they're not 100%.

No, unfounded fear. You are not getting infected – long as he is undetectable, nope.  And add to that, you are having safe sex. So no…

To set your mind at ease, learn the wheres and whys of getting PEP, and/or a risk assessment, if there were ever to be a suspected risk. What doctor/hospital you can go to, etc….

Please help any advice.

My advice is to think about today and the next years and be happy you have someone you love.   Suggest to him to join the forum.
« Last Edit: May 12, 2014, 01:18:24 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline emeraldize

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  • Posts: 3,362
What I like reading is that you love this guy, see a future and you weren't angry that he didn't tell you beforehand. That's concerning to lots of folks. But it doesn't seem to phase you. Cool.

So your major concern is longevity and I think mecch ticked the boxes. It's a crap shoot. My first exposure to unexpected protracted death was a high school chum dying of a brain tumor.

No guarantees. Go for it. Love is not easy to find.

Offline Theyer

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  • Posts: 2,578
  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Talk
With him , his doctor anybody you trust .
If you are concerned about him having difficulties with it talk first about that, the most important think is that eventually there is not one ? left that you have to ask him.

All and any off your concerns are Fair , none are silly .

As you will be finding out there are many couples in your position.

As someone who has lived with this since 1987, Good God you where not even born , it was a delight to read your very straight forward humane Post , I wish the Pair off you many many late nights talking your self's to sleep.

Go ,Live,TALK.

Michael Grandad Aidies to you.
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

 


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