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Author Topic: not dying anyway  (Read 2231 times)

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Offline em

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  • Posts: 102
not dying anyway
« on: April 07, 2014, 02:27:50 AM »
When my mom passed away they had put her on a morphine drip: as nice as it sounds it was not pretty, she had a brain tumor and it had spread. Could write a chapter or two about that.

watching Dallas buyers club remind me of my moms passing when they mentioned the morphine  drip.

both had reminded me of my time spent almost dying

remembering all the time spent in the hospital with AIDS and not dying? I could have been placed on a morphine drip and left to pass quietly. In stead I lived now the rest of my life has passed me buy. the great job all the money the friends. 

everything else in my life almost dying too? Seems like the rest of my life did die sometimes,

I am on disability I have some security. Even though now I am fat and  old HIV+.  a bunch of other useless terms of degradation not worth mentioning without depressing me into madness ? 

atleast I have you to read  this and both of us can know there is life and hope love and laughter yet to be had

thank you

EM


Offline weasel

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Re: not dying anyway
« Reply #1 on: April 10, 2014, 09:15:06 AM »
You are alive ! That is a very good thing  :)
    Dear  EM  ,
                         I'm sorry your Mom passed that way ; I lost my older bother
    at the age of 52 with brain cancer , he was lucky , never had any pain .
     Three years ago I was the attendant to my brother - in - law , It was a
    morphine drip situation , It drained me to watch him die . after a lengthily
    illness  with cancer of the everything , it took 6 weeks to pass on  :(

     I dream of the good old days ; working like a slave , having anything we
    wanted , no money problems  . Skinny  :D     Full of life , Now I am gaining
    weight like a Hippopotamus  ???

     I have my wonderful husband of over thirty years  ; thank GOD , I would go
     insane with out him .    Life is not as much fun as those younger years  , but
     still having some good times .

      Looking at today , I see it will be a great day !   I am building a kitchen for
      my sister's Hurricane Sandy Beach House  . It may very well kill me  ::)
      I was not thinking of my physical strength when I decided to drive to
      Connecticut and spend a Month building and finishing a Kitchen , but it is a
     mood lifter  to know I am making something my sister will love . Plus a
     break from my daily grind .     

        I'm not fond of being older , but it is OK   . Old is the new young  :o

                       Glad to hear from you ,  Carl  :-*
" Live and let Live "

Offline wolfter

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Re: not dying anyway
« Reply #2 on: April 10, 2014, 01:13:48 PM »
I have to avoid remembering too often as it becomes overwhelming and saddens me.  I venture between asking if we're really the lucky ones to have survived and being grateful that I did.



hugs
wolfie
Complacency is the enemy.  ;)  Challenge yourself daily for maximum  return on investment.

Offline Theyer

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  • Posts: 2,511
  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: not dying anyway
« Reply #3 on: April 10, 2014, 05:43:29 PM »
There must be something in the air em , your post Carl,s post could off wrote it myself if I had a sister in Connecticut , a Husband. I think I have a particular sadness that starts at the beginning off Summer as well as welcoming it.

I think alot off this is age related we would be having cousins off these days if we where negative. However it would be nice to have the money etc from a adult life off health .

Ho hum day
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline LongTimeSurvivor

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  • I don'no...there may be Zombears...in theres...
Re: not dying anyway
« Reply #4 on: April 10, 2014, 08:42:34 PM »
Weasel, if you're out on Long Island you should come into the city for a visit. We can talk about..."SLEEP APNEA"...and what can be done about it.

Seriously, though, if you'd care to meet up for dinner let me know. We'll see what we can work out.

Now about that "not dying anyway"...I have an operation coming up and last time it didn't turn out too well...so...
Of course it's important. It's an email...

Offline Theyer

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  • Posts: 2,511
  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: not dying anyway
« Reply #5 on: April 11, 2014, 06:29:03 AM »
Carl you must have dinner in NY.
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline weasel

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  • Posts: 1,681
Re: not dying anyway
« Reply #6 on: April 13, 2014, 09:11:25 AM »
Weasel, if you're out on Long Island you should come into the city for a visit. We can talk about..."SLEEP APNEA"...and what can be done about it.

Seriously, though, if you'd care to meet up for dinner let me know. We'll see what we can work out.

Now about that "not dying anyway"...I have an operation coming up and last time it didn't turn out too well...so...

   Thanks for the offer :)
    Not sure I will be heading into the City this trip .
      I would love to have  lunch one day thou :) 

                                                                Weasel
" Live and let Live "

Offline em

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  • Posts: 102
Re: not dying anyway
« Reply #7 on: April 18, 2014, 04:51:45 AM »
thank you for responding.

em


Offline em

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  • Posts: 102
Re: not dying anyway
« Reply #8 on: May 02, 2014, 02:50:36 PM »
I was just thinking and rereading the post I had made before called story line about a movie about HIV

I was thinking about a story about a fifty something year old man who has been living in a self imposed isolation  since the mid eighties in a run down apartment in a building filled with characters.

one of his neighbors says it is 2014 not not 1985 things change. this starts him reexamining his life.

I have a list in my head of neighbors a single mom and her son, a group of young girls, and old WWII vet and some others I have not yet worked into the story.

don't want to give away to much. kind of street car named desire meets tails of the city ??

just day dreaming and venting and wanted to share the story before it gets forgotten by me and I move on to the next big thing that does not happen,

thank you for letting me share this story so far and having a place my ideas can live.

One seen has the single mom and the old guy talking and he says I am HIV + and he asks for a kiss for condolence and solace  and she says NO. He goes it is OK < she says not because you are HIV + but because you are a creepy jerk and he laughs because the truth hurts  . well I will write more later if that is alright this I think goes along the lines of not dying anyway, just a thought

thanks again

EM
 

Offline Theyer

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,511
  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: not dying anyway
« Reply #9 on: May 03, 2014, 05:07:54 AM »
EM , I think the hardest part off writting is establishing the structure for the content .
and what you have come up with is good , its contains well , either for Stage or film.

The next bit is sweating out the content.

Then you can sell it ,to see treated with no respect at all by film folk, changed beyond recognition without so much as a note to say so, you might even be lucky enough to keep the writting credit to a piece off work that you want to now disown. Or it could even get lost by a "Producer" That's what coked up trusterfarians are called, not spoiled Brats who are multi substance addicted now personality challenged losers  biting there nails in the family pile Bitter me huh!

Anyway good luck with the sweating it out.
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline em

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  • Posts: 102
Re: not dying anyway
« Reply #10 on: May 03, 2014, 08:17:42 AM »
Just doing spring cleaning and daydreaming. this was a small description of my day dream.

 Wanted to share it because it made me feel better about my situation. A story about neighbors getting to know one another and pulling together to make life less lonely.

Maybe if the day dream does not get lost I will write more or well it served its purpose and entertained me while I worked.

thank you
EM





Online Jeff G

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  • Member
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  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: not dying anyway
« Reply #11 on: May 03, 2014, 08:39:11 AM »
Just tell the truth, I can handle it ... is this story about me or Miss P ?

I think its great you are sharing this and exploring the your creative side . I have always wanted to write and make a short film, probably a really bad one but that would be half the fun of it . I would be channeling ED Wood and John Waters at the same time . I went so far as to buy a camera and editing software but just couldn't seem to get the technical side figured out enough to have the confidence to continue .

I still have my creative hobby's to keep my interested but still I sometime think about making a movie when I daydream .

Offline LongTimeSurvivor

  • Member
  • Posts: 194
  • I don'no...there may be Zombears...in theres...
Re: not dying anyway
« Reply #12 on: May 03, 2014, 12:26:24 PM »
Use to work in the TV industry...amongst other jobs. Instead of trying to think up a story first thing, try editing images to a song or music video you like. Go out and take pictures and videos of things you might want to include in your piece. Remember...you can never have too much material to work with...the more the better. On the shows I worked on we'd get three to four thousand hour-long tapes. Of those, for a full season...this was a medical series, we'd maybe use 500 of those tapes and sometimes only a few seconds from some of them.

Don't be afraid to make mistakes. When you're doing stuff on your own there's nobody to point a finger at you and say "Look at Stupid!" As you gain confidence then you can corral your friends into acting in one or two minute pieces that you can eventually post on Youtube. Have fun with it.
Of course it's important. It's an email...

Offline em

  • Member
  • Posts: 102
Re: not dying anyway
« Reply #13 on: May 05, 2014, 12:22:44 PM »
Just thinking this might make a good play and help to raise awareness about HIV and how much things have changed like it is not a death sentence and how life can go on at least I hope it can.

As far as filming shorts and posting on line, That would require Friends that are in short supply at the moment along with money for a camera. This story telling would just be something I felt might be fun and even might make some much needed money.


How about this for a theatrical ending this young girl who lives in the building and when i say young I mean about thirty. Has a brother that comes by and says did you find him she says yes. Did you speak to him she says yes . Did you tell him she says NO. then a few pages later in the story toward the end ( remember this is not a hollywood ending but a stage ending.) He the guy with HIV says my arm hurts he grabs his chest and falls over and the young girl yells out dad see he was her father and they had never met until she found him in this building and moved in to get to know him. she does not have the nerve to tell him and confront him then he up and dies from a heart attack. This is after hiding from the world for thirty years



sorry to give away the ending but it is a work in progress that made never get completed but at least this way some of the story may get told

thanks again

EM

Offline em

  • Member
  • Posts: 102
Re: not dying anyway
« Reply #14 on: May 05, 2014, 12:44:52 PM »
Hollywood ending

the guy still has a heart attack but the WWII vet says his Friend had thrown himself on hand grenade this is his chance to pay it for word OR the single mom says he may be a creepy jerk but mouth to mouth and CPR might save him well anyway some one brings him back and they rush him to the hospital were he recovers and gets to know his daughter and neighbors all come together in the classic hollywood ending style happily ever after.

sorry just a story that will never get made into a movie or play but only lives for a short moment on this page.

thank you
EM

Offline em

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  • Posts: 102
Re: not dying anyway
« Reply #15 on: May 05, 2014, 04:43:06 PM »
I have the beginning and some filler for the middle. Without anyway to bring this to life it seems silly to post it here. even though it is kind of a published work in progress.

In the middle the neighbors start gossiping about the HIV + guy. one of them says I think I saw him on America's most wanted.

Later on the single mother mentions this to him and he just laughs and says you shore it wasn't America's most unwanted .

there is allot more just trying to share the highlights to see if this might be worth persuing further.

thank you
EM


Offline em

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  • Posts: 102
Re: not dying anyway
« Reply #16 on: May 05, 2014, 08:14:32 PM »
To add something about the risk of a  heart attack.
 My GP ( general practitioner ) told me during a physical that my triglycerides were all out of wack and it most likely was caused by my diet of soda and fast food.

I recall my ID doc telling me my triglycerides would be elevated do to the protease inhibitors that would increase my risk of heart disease

O well what you goin to do ?

If not one thing then another

thank you for reading this

EM

Offline em

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  • Posts: 102
Re: not dying anyway
« Reply #17 on: May 05, 2014, 08:22:16 PM »
I forgot to ad  about the WWII vet says about mouth to mouth with the guy having the heart attack. Some one says you do not want to give him mouth to mouth because of HIV He says NO I just do not want to kiss another GUY ?

The home a phobic military carear man

Just to clear that up sorry if anyone did not get that part

thanks again

EM

Offline em

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  • Posts: 102
Re: not dying anyway
« Reply #18 on: June 17, 2014, 02:58:20 AM »
How about beauty and the beast HIV being the curse and protease inhibitors being "almost human" that is how I felt when they first came out with that song. At the same time as the drugs.

I know I am HIV+ I have the cupboard full of pills to prove it and years of taking them

sorry just wanted to share and get of some aggravation

thank you for having this sight.




Offline guitargal

  • Member
  • Posts: 52
Re: not dying anyway
« Reply #19 on: June 21, 2014, 12:18:15 PM »
i finally read this thread. how are you doing EM?
good ideas for the stories..hope you can get them down on paper.
I am writer and have ideas . I wish to write about many things pertaining to life and health and hiv and living..the complex subject matter takes a skillful writer to turn the tragedy into something that is thoughtful and meaningful and mind opening for the reader.

yet i find it very hard to ..emotionally.. so i have put it off for 20 years..
if i could somehow shut off the thought of the hardship we have endured to actually write and be focused with out crying and  ditching the effort perhaps a few good stories could be written..

may years ago i read  a book..The forgotten children of the AIDS epidemic. i kept crying throughout..sad reality is hard. many people do not have the guts to read such things..
 to give that hard issue a spin with some comedy and hope and love would be a best seller.

I feel your /everyones depression. overcoming it and finding some part of each and every day that is lovely and good is the only way to be alive in mind and spirit, and show happiness towards others.

I have had bouts of existential crisis over the years but nothing compares to the ultimate questions of WHY i have been facing since i have had some odd IRIS/chronic pain syndrome thing for the past 3 years that no doctor can fix or even diagnose..

first the stigma and the lying while i was 'healthy" and working part time with a child..now the lying why i have pain..i tell people fibromyalgia..i am really tired of keeping all this to myself for all these years…only a few close friends know and not all family knows.. such a burden..yet
all humans have something..and we do not have to wear it on our sleeves 24/7
playing the cards we have been dealt with dignity and sparing some who cannot handle the information is mature..and also protects one from the ignorance..

i don;t know what i am saying..just woke up and was in pain and looking for connection and read this..got me thinking that if i was truly brave i could perhaps write something people would enjoy reading…

I have not read The Fault in our stars by john green yet and now the movie is out and that subject matter if tough but the film got great reviews…so..it can be done in a very good way.

cheers to living love and evolving
d

Offline em

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  • Posts: 102
Re: not dying anyway
« Reply #20 on: July 01, 2014, 10:32:55 PM »
Thank you for the response.

So much to respond too, How am I . Still living right. big smile >

I will write more later after I have a chance to gather my thoughts if at all posible.


something funny about HIV wouldn't that be nice.

sorry just can not write at the moment but will try again later

thank you

EM

 


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