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Author Topic: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless  (Read 13763 times)

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Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #150 on: June 30, 2014, 06:30:59 PM »
And she constantly asks, "have you heard from your girlfriend lately"? "How come she never calls you"? Of course I don't dare ever speak to a man for too long in any situation becaue she'll get suspicious and think I'm being too friendly with another man. Of course she doesn't know I've already slept with men many men in fact but of course she can never know that.

I have this fake imaginary girlfriend who's name I throw out to mollify her and make her stop calling me queer all the time. Again this is the way it's been sibce I've hit puberty. And yet I love her how twisted is that.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #151 on: July 01, 2014, 06:14:08 AM »
Stop labelling your feelings as twisted.
Its 2014, LGBTQ people have managed to live full lives, more or less publicly for many many years.  You can too with sufficient strength and resolve - which you can probably build with the help of therapy.
Your mom is living in her own world.
You might find eventually that she is not as deluded as she acts.  Again, don't let her contradictions and delusions cloud the way you live your life. You have to take control of your life and future for your own sake, and let "the chips fall" where they will. 
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #152 on: July 05, 2014, 07:58:17 AM »
Robby did you meet that new therapist this week? How about that job lead? Keep us posted?
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #153 on: July 05, 2014, 08:14:49 PM »
The new job is still on hoping for the best! My new therapist was nice she was obviously qualified. She didn't patronize me she listened and she was very nice. I liked her. I am still dealing with a lot she thinks I had an alternate personality due to many periods of blackouts and major gaps in my memory that happened in my 20s. Those emotional problems and me havingthis personality are what she thinks caused me to have an alter. I guess it makes sense because friends would tell me in those times I dressed different talked different and wrote different. Like a different person. But I couldn't remember any of it. My therapist told me she thinks I Disassociated I think that was her word. That hasn't happened for a few years.

She said her opinion is that I disassociated for years. Well I'm not sure why and am still confused and concerned over this but I liked my therapist and will probably be seeing her again.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #154 on: July 06, 2014, 02:46:03 AM »
You are a rare pearl as they say.  How did that theory sound to you?

Robby i highly suggest you mention to your shrink that you have a hard time accepting a shrink!  Also I encourage you to accept this one shrink and start working on all the issues.  ;D :D   
Really the things you discuss might be uncomfortable but Im guessing that VERY few shrinks are patronising or condescending or inappropriately inquisitive.  If you get that feeling, it might be your own warped perception of the relation....
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #155 on: July 06, 2014, 11:51:30 AM »
I guess her opinion that I dissassociated was plausible because people told me they recognized me being a totally different person and dressing different and acting different but I ant remember an of that just faint glimers here and there and what people told me about my behavior. I think it was because a relative did some really terible things to my mom as far as talking total shit and lies about her and I had trouble with that and plus I was terribly bulied in school. That's what my therapist thougt so this "Rob" person was just a disassociation and another person my mind invented. Well that's what she said anyway.

It makes me nauseous and vey pissed off to think that I had periods where I did things I cant remember. I'm still very confused about it. I'm having major anger issues so I may not comment on this thread again for awhile because talking about it is pissing me off. But thank you for listening.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #156 on: July 06, 2014, 03:40:08 PM »
Yes I understand it must be confusing, surprising and anger making.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #157 on: July 15, 2014, 06:08:53 PM »
I must have a curse on me. I was supposed to start m new ocal job at Amazon Monda and the recruiter calls me today and tells me that they can't hire me because "I was a no show" when applied there months previously? Excuse me but I couldn't help having to take care of a sick family member back then..why the hell would this affect me starting Monda? And why didn't they bring this up in my interview instead of going through the charade of offering me a job and waiting this long and this lose to my start day to tell me this? This job was only 10 minutes from me and I aced the interview and the recruiter claims just because I interviewed and got an offer but didn't show up almost a year ago NOW they can't hire me because of that? I mean geez it's not like I'm some sick sex offender or criminal or something. I have a clean background but nothing I ould say would hange her mind so now I feel like a fool and loser again and once again have zero job prospects and it's looking like I never will. I'm ready to just give up.  :'(  :'( >:(  All I can say is I hope these people an sleep at night knowing they don't have to worry about buying basic things and food and they play me for a fool offer me a job then at the last minute cancel on me.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #158 on: July 15, 2014, 10:46:13 PM »
And just to clarify, employers in the US are not allowed to go sniffing around in an applicant's medical records, correct? Because someone tonight had the audacity to ask me if maybe the reason this latest emploer rejected me at the last minute before even giving me a chance was because they checked my records and discovered I am HIV positive...but that's strictly prohibited by privacy laws right? And they did a background check on me and said it came back fine..

I just don't get why they'd wait until the last week before my training date to tell me I won't be hired especially after I got an offer and everything was arranged.

I'm back to being hopeless again. No job, no propectsm and no hope. I'm going to try and get the nosejob with the money I've got left maybe that will make people like me more. And maybe if I dressed differently or acted a different way I'm not sure but I just want to get to where I can be accepted and to work.

This sucks and it's not my fault I had to turn the job down last year I was caring for a sick relative and I was going through major emotional problems. But why the hell would me not showing up 8 months ago still cause them not to hire me now after a second interview which I aced?

People all suck and what goes around comes around I hope these people can sleep at night knowing how awful they treat people. It's got to stop. I'm sick of it.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #159 on: July 15, 2014, 11:50:38 PM »
Robby I think you can believe the explanation Amazon gave you, as to why they didn't hire you...
I read an article about hiring practices at Amazon.  They are very very fickle, picky, difficult, and unfair about how they cull people before they actually get hired.  I read they give multiple offers and several people show up thinking they have been hired, and they take the first 2 or so who arrive the earliest and tell the others, sorry, you were late, there's not job.
If Amazon offered you a job a few months ago, and you didn't show up, you probably went onto a black list.  Unfortunately, they probably caught it quite late, and thats not very nice...  Also, 3 months ago, did you contact them and explain and apologise for your no-show...? If you said nothing, that would NOT make a good impression.

I don't think it matters however...  Even with a great exuse, it could very well be that you burned your 1 chance 3 months ago.

Try not to take it personally or to get into a conspiracy theory about what really happened.  Really, from what I read, they are not good or pleasant jobs and there is amazing turnover.....
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #160 on: July 16, 2014, 09:04:15 AM »
You make valid points, this job was going to e a t a call enter 10 monutes from my residence, so it would have been so convenient but of course I know Amazon is a less than ideal place to work but now I'm back to square One yet again. I don't know where to turn.Most temp agencies seem to offer onl light industrial or highly trained secretarial. I can type good but I've tries tons of temp agencies in the past and they never helped me or placed me and just wasted m time...again I say how the hell am I supposed to get a job with no experience or nobody will give me a chance? I actually usually interview well but it seems like the universe is consipiring to keep me down. When is it going to be MY turn? I'm 32 years old have never had a full time job and all I want is a chance. And no I don't think I could do amything like retail or serving because thoe jobs are around people so much and are so high preure I would probabl have panic attacks.

I thought about going to Cosmetology school but that woud take forever and I just have no confidence.

Back to the Amazon job, what you say may be true about them putting me on a black list months ago, but why didn't they tell me when I went for my recent interview? Why would they have hired me again and then wasted my time?
It's not fair.

I don't see how people can be so cavalier and just not care when I am in total crisis. I feel I am about to totally snap or lose it. Nobody is helping me.

Sometimes I think about just ending it all. This just isn't working.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline Jeff G

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #161 on: July 16, 2014, 09:14:58 AM »
It may not seem like it but people are trying to help you . I have to be honest with you Robby ... Until you get your mental health care needs sorted out finding and keeping employment will be problematic .

It may seem like you are not getting anywhere but you are . In this there is opportunity to address the underlying cause of your struggles and if you make that your number one job the other things may fall in place for you in time . I believe you can do this with the proper help and support .

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #162 on: July 16, 2014, 11:25:01 AM »
Well like I took my social worker's advice and reached out to vocational rehab in my town but they basically did nothing for me as far as placement. I went to a for-profit college and graduated with a bachelor's degree a few years ago, but of course the career services people there never did shit for me either. I tried and tried with them but they just didnt care. Its fine to say these things but that still leaves me with no job and no hope. What am I supposed to do? I'm completely and totally overwhelmed and I've applied for so many damn jobs I just can't stand it anymore. I am doubting this "fall into place thing" will ever work for me. And meanwhile everyone else struts around like they're kings of the castle and don't even care about helping someone out. I've never broken the law or done anything wrong. So why can't I get a break?

But it's all good because I'm about to the point where I just don't even care anymore and am giving up. Nothing's happening anyway and I'm just invisible. If I disappeared tomorrow nobody would notice or care.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #163 on: July 16, 2014, 11:36:03 AM »
Robby what about the therapist who says you can disassociate.  Are you going to have therapy with her?

I was wondering if you care to say what kind of therapy you follow these days. Exactly who do you see, and how often?  Do you have someone you see every week? 

Did you tell that new therapist the list of challenges?  If you feel hopeless and another suicidal phase coming on, why not consider any solution where you will be in regular therapy. Preferably more than once a week? What about in-patient treatment? 

Really there's no reason to be hopeless about life, I dunno, maybe great pain or hideous diseases.   I know your mental challenges are daunting.  And yet you have a good head on your shoulders and you certainly have determination and stamina.

You are a good person and I don't think society - strangers - are singling you out for some reason and trying to punish you.  You'll just need to find where you can fit in if you want to work or contribute to society.  And be a bit more steady on your feet.
« Last Edit: July 16, 2014, 11:42:15 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #164 on: July 16, 2014, 11:54:15 AM »
I'm supposed to see her tomorrow. I saw her two weeks ago. I liked her and I am a tough critic. She obviously had the credentials so thats not in question, and she actually listened to me. At our last meeting, I was getting to know her and telling her about being excited to start my new job. But of course I didn't know that Amazon would turn around and pull a dirty filthy trick and tell me a week before my training date that they no longer want to hire me. I see the therapist lady every two weeks but it's as often as I want I suppose. Our last meeting I told her about having huge gaps in time and memory over the years, and what others have told me about my behavior and she said I was dissosiating or something. She thinks I have some other personality.

But I haven't had this for awhile, but I never know when I will black out. In my 20s it happened a lot, but hasn't for awhile. Maybe I should see her weekly. All I want in life is to have a semi-full life holding a job, where people respect me regardless of my looks and sexual orientation, and being self sufficient. I feel totally overwhelmed as of now.

Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #165 on: July 16, 2014, 12:05:28 PM »
I just don't feel I fit into any neat job boxes as far as skill sets. I'm creative, articulate, love clothes, fashion, makeup, etc, but all those job openings require tons of high pressure situations like retail, which I think I'd hate unless it was some quiet place. If I feel overwhelmed, I will shut down or have a panic attack. And I can write really well, but all those jobs seem to require massive education that I don't have. I also am excellent over the phone and with typing, but again, most of these jobs are customer service and that's iffy. The Amazon job was going to be a call center. I mostly wanted it because it was close to home. And I can't see myself doing any major manual labor at all, not because I'm afraid of it, but because due to a hernia I can't lift too much. If it was something manually that didn't require much heavy lifting I wouldn't mind.

And lastly, I want to make sure I work somewhere that is open minded and friendly to gay people the last thing I need is more teasing and bullying after high school. In high school was constantly teased, spit at, called names, punched, and beaten and nobody did anything about it. So I do NOT want to work somewhere that is not gay friendly.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline zach

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #166 on: July 16, 2014, 12:10:29 PM »
CBT = cognitive behavioral therapy = cock and ball torture. Little difference, I can promise you. Nothing about mental health treatment is a bed of roses. It hurts.

The best therapist I've ever had, and the only one I've returned to over the years, was a really confrontational beech. She challenged me at every step. Offended me, pissed me off, I wouldn't show, she'd pester me, I'd crawl back only to be dressed down again.

Eventually, her methods worked.

Eventually, I understood she was calling me out on any bullshit.

One of the things you're going to have to eventually face, like it or not. You have an unreal expectation of how others should act towards you. Most likely caused by either a traumatic event, or ongoing mental and/or physical abuse. What began as a normal rational expectation has been twisted into something else.

Air that out.

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #167 on: July 16, 2014, 12:25:17 PM »
It's certainly not been fun. I need a break the last few months have been awful and I'm just not dealing with this very well. So far I like my new therapist she seems very qualified and maybe I'll have to see her more often. I just hope I don't start having blackouts again that terrifies me.

As of now, I don't think I'd do well with anyone coming at me confrontational, as I have a short fuse and will probably bite their head off, so I think a more conciliatory manner is better as of now. We'll see how it goes with her.

I don't know what you mean by traumatic event I don't see that at all. But I will see how it goes with her.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #168 on: July 16, 2014, 12:47:36 PM »
1x every other week is not enough. 

If you have the option for real therapy, take it.

In my opinion you need much more contact with a professional who will help you figure things out. More than once a week. 

It would be great if you could have professionals helping you everyday, in my opinion. At least for a moment so you and they can take stock of it all and start to make a plan. 

You can't do it yourself Robby you must learn to trust professionals - to have a dialogue and to follow a bit their suggestions how to get life more manageable. 
« Last Edit: July 16, 2014, 12:49:52 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline zach

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #169 on: July 16, 2014, 12:58:59 PM »
you still haven't done inpatient, you haven't had a consistent therapist that knows the full picture, and you bullshit all of your doctors telling each only as much as you want that particular doctor to know.

until you are ready to fight, and take a beating, and hurt

this continues ad nauseum

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #170 on: July 16, 2014, 02:48:48 PM »
So do you mean see my therapist twice a week? Not sure if her schedule would permit that but I'd be open to it for now. And when you sa professionals helping me ever day what exactly do you mean? How would that come about and who would facilitate that? I feel what I really need is some kind of life coach to help motivate me give me encoruagement and help me devise a plan but not sure where to get one. I was as honest with my new therapist as I know how..that was before I had this latest job rejection. I'm being as open as I can which is hard for me.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #171 on: July 16, 2014, 06:16:05 PM »
Robby the regular suggestion you are getting here is that you lay it ALL out to a therapist and ask for some serious help. 
Zach was talking about inpatient mental health treatment, and that is my take on the situation as well. 

I am in no way a mental health expert, I don't know how you would go about that. Maybe there are inpatient programs for cutting , for example. Or for body dysmorphia.

When one is suicidal one is forcibly kept in hospital, but I think its basically care taking for a few days and then they put the person out again.

Seems to me you need a pretty consistent contact to get it all on the table and start hearing what the experts have to say to you.

Just life is blowing you hither thither non stop and I think professionals might offer a better strategy for you. 

Zach was expressing his frustration but I think inelegantly.  Its frustrating to listen to you but also wonder why you are hiding bits and pieces from people in your real life there.   Yeah, you have been opening up more here online. I'm impressed by that!  Sadly nobody here can offer you the real help of course. You have to lay it all on the line with the mental health people in your life.  If they knew the extent of your suffering, you would't be seen 1x every 2 weeks.  It seems to me, a non expert, that you have mental illnesses and need real treatment.    It is your right to have treatment, Robby.

If you ask for attention by being suicidal, all you will get is the couple day watch. 

The doctors need to know the full spectrum and really at the end of the day, YOU have to ask for help about it ALL.
« Last Edit: July 16, 2014, 06:29:39 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline zach

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #172 on: July 16, 2014, 06:45:13 PM »
zach is inelegant at best, there are much more colorful words though

i'm pushing at you intentionally robby, get pissed at me if you need, its just an honest emotional reaction. in this instance, at least it would be the appropriate reaction. thats a little of what i'm trying to agitate out of you, a response, not just rehashing over and over the same anxieties

you're showing a little more strength, and i think you're able to hear some tougher love


edit to add... robby, bottom line. at some point or another, they are going to lock the door behind you for 72 hours. you are going to have to accept that. you will be stabilized, monitored, and tracked into the appropriate ongoing care. the longer you keep playing with the doctors, whether you like them or not, its only hurting you man. i am willing to bet that some of the most alarming things you've said here, you've never said to a doctor. WHY NOT ROBBY?!?!

i was beaten hard, most of my childhood. thats what i mean by traumatic. be it physical, sexual, emotional, mental... whatever the abuse was, something happened, pretending it didn't gets you nowhere.
« Last Edit: July 16, 2014, 06:53:26 PM by zach »

Offline mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #173 on: July 16, 2014, 07:45:45 PM »
Yes Robby, let the pros help you out. You're not figuring out what to do, on your own.   You've been at it for a good long time, really trying...
It may come as a surprise to you. But most of us have moments when we are overwhelmed and need help getting out of mess. You seem to think everyone is living the life of peaches and cream, while you suffer in dejection and isolation. But, its really a matter of learning how to make the best of what you got, and exchanging it all in ways that fit into the system.   
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #174 on: July 16, 2014, 07:53:55 PM »
I can tell you that the world doesn't have it out for you personally.  I can imagine from what you said here that you have been pushed around in your family, and thats one thing. People can be awful to their friends and family. 
As far as work goes, employers basically just want a good worker, who does WHAT the employer pays him to do, and well.  Doesn't want complications, excuses, difficulties, etc etc.  Doesn't really at the end of the day give a shit what the worker wants, though this can be better in some employers and depending on the manager.  Its not about my wishes, my limits, my plans and hopes - not really at the bottom line. Its about doing what the big money needs and well, with a smile. 
If your brain is in such turmoil and you are so fixated on your own limits and desires and aptitudes, its not a realistic outlook for the job market.

Also, besides mental illness, you are part of a cohort of people who have had a pretty rough job market.  If your degree is from a for-profit school with little reputation, its not going to be much help, especially if you are not filled with self-confidence and can-do, which would compensate for lack of good educational credentials.

I think you have to get a grasp on your place in society and you self-perception before you are going to get much in the way of fulfilling employment.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #175 on: August 05, 2014, 06:13:49 PM »
I had another huge fight with my mom sometimes she makes my life totally miserable. She was totally flipping out into a rage, telling me that because I collect porcelain items that I'm "a sissy" and constantly berating me for not being married or living up to her illusion of me being straight. She has done this for years, bullying me, raging at me, asking why I don't have a girlfriend, what's wrong with me, telling me I'm a degenerate..she always says, why can't you at least be seen with a girl so people won't "talk". I just can't take much more of this. Most of the time we get along, well, so-so, but at least 3-4 times a day she always asks why I can't get married or have a girlfriend. I don't dare come out as gay to her because she'd get very violent. She has beaten me many time before when I'd stay out late, she'd hit me and say "only queers stay out late". As a result, I've grown up feeling lost, confused, and deeply wounded. Nobody has ever told me they love and accept me for me. I've never come out to my dad (hes a bit more rational) because I'm afraid to until I can get semi-independent.

Why does my mom continue this obsession over wanting me to be straight? Soething I'll never be. I don't know if she knows deep down I'm gay and just can't deal with it or what. But I'm lost. I feel like I'm going to split into a thousand pieces at times.

She has had 2 brothers who never married so I'm not sure if they're gay or not but she has pretty much kept me isolated over the years. I don't know any of my extended family. She tells me constantly that "shell never accept anyone queer" or that "she will kill them all". She has it, spit, grabbed, beaten, & thrown stuff at me over the years. Yet I've stayed home to help care for her and she flips out over the tiniest things thinking I'm "queer".

Well, I'm never going to change. I can't fucking help being gay. Yet due to my mental issues I haven't been able to leave home or be on my own before. And I feel I'd be betraing her if I tell anyone..how twisted is that.

So what do I do? I love her but yet I despie her too for making me hide who I am. I have major issues. And she's never going to hange. She told me if I don't get married to a woman soon that she ants me gone for good, because "people will talk".

I'm sick of this. I guess I could always just leave home ut I'd have nowhere to go. I'd have to live on the street and I wouldn't want that. I'm 32. I guess all I can hope for is that I secure some type of employment soon and I can learn how to live on my own so I can live by my own terms..Thats all I want. To not be bullied anymore and tormented and mocked for how I talk and walk. I feel like an abused animal.

What do I do?
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #176 on: August 05, 2014, 07:07:54 PM »
Tell all this to your therapists AND social worker.
If someone physically abuses you, call the police.  Including if its your family.
My opinion is you should tell your family you are gay and HIV+ and mentally ill.  Ask them to help you and to stop hurting you. 
Before you tell your family, please ask your social worker what the options for you are, if your family throws you out of the house.  Also ask your social worker what happens if you walk out of your house, with no money for an apartment.
Also, since you feel threatened by violence, you should tell your social worker. 
I think you are living in a dream and delusion if you continue to believe that you are going to find away out of this mess by a job that will NOT happen given your current state of mind.  And please stop lying and hiding to everyone in your life about the hell you are living in.  You told us and the sky didn't fall. Seems to be the only way forward.  I say that with great concern for you, Robby. Not to be mean.
« Last Edit: August 05, 2014, 07:12:30 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #177 on: August 05, 2014, 07:54:28 PM »
But in spite of it all, I still feel loyal to my mom and love her in spite of everything. I'm so torn. But yet I know things won't get an better as they are. I'll never be able to live out and proud as myself around her domineering influence. If it was just me and my dad, it wouldn't matter as much because he doesn't care so long as I am trying to find work and do for myself. He doesn't abuse me. But as long as I'm at home I don't know what to do because I don't even know anyone in my extended family well enough to know who to reach out to or to confide in. I mean how would I go about that. Again, I have nowhere else to go so I'm stuck for now. I don't think dad would kick me out but if I came out or took a stand my mom wuld get very violent and I'm scared of her. Yet I'm 32 and she's 70..but she's very cunning and manipulative.

IF I decide to tell my social worker or therapist, what will happen? I love my mom in spite of the horrible things yet I don't want to see her hurt, but I don't want to continue living a total lie and fantasy. It's like I'm living HER deluded fantasy instead of my own life.

I have a lot of cousins and such but they have their own lives, and not sure who to trust amongt hem. And I have a few aunts and uncles but again I wouldn't know who to trust because I've been so isolated from my family. My mom constantly tells me that's my fault because of me not being married to a woman she's ashamed to even talk about me. I know this isn't normal...and she is getting old so it won't last forever but my whole life I've been petrified to come out to her due to not being independent and being abued so how do I do it now. She hates all gay people and says that I'd be disowned instantly if I was gay (which I am). I just don't want to end up on the street and am clueless how to approach this. I love my mom yet I'm sick of being miserale.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #178 on: August 05, 2014, 08:11:24 PM »
IF I decide to tell my social worker or therapist, what will happen? I love my mom in spite of the horrible things yet I don't want to see her hurt, but I don't want to continue living a total lie and fantasy. It's like I'm living HER deluded fantasy instead of my own life.
Just tell your social worker and therapist all of this. Print out this thread and give it to the both of them. Their job is to help you.
You are NOT living your mother's deluded fantasy. Robby its your life and you are living it your way.  Sure, your mom sounds like a horrible part of your life.  But we can't be worried about her.  We can't do anything about her.  Also neither will your social worker, or therapist. They will help you.

Call the police if she hits you.

In the meantime, you have a right to a peaceful home and life, and you have to claim that life. Like now.  No matter how nuts your mom is, its your matter to handle. Your life. 
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Jeff G

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #179 on: August 05, 2014, 08:47:07 PM »
I agree with Mecch Robby . I honestly think one of the best things you can do for your self is print this thread and give to your psychiatrist .

Your mother is not going to change to its up to you to get to a better and safer place.  I promise you that if your social worker and doctors see this thread in its entirety they will be in a much better position to help you get what you need . (((Hugs for Robby)))

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #180 on: September 08, 2014, 01:57:06 PM »
Well another summer is about gone, and still no job. Not sure where to turn at this point. I am on meds, but social anxiety is still there. I was supposed to start at Amazon this summer I got an offer but 4 days prior the lady called me and told me sorry but since I applied previously and didnt show up they couldnt hire me this time. WTF. Its not like I missed a bunch of days or something they didnt even give me a chance to start. So now back to square one, broke, jobless, and hopeless. Where the hell is a guy supposed to find work where one doesn't have to interact and deal with a ton of people. Anxiety disorder is very real and very debililtating. Seeing my therapist this week again, but I don't think she gets it. Last week I had a severe panic attack that sent me to the ER. Paxil doesnt do shit but make me groggy, Olanzipine makes me a zombie, and Xanax helps but not enough.

All I want is to be a part of the work force and earn a living.Even a part time one would be ok. But I don't know where to start or where to turn. I am decent at interviews providing the interviewer isnt a homophobe, so I usually do okay with those, it's just getting interviews is the issue, and some of them don't ever pan out. Really feeling lost.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline newt

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #181 on: September 08, 2014, 04:12:45 PM »
You need to get off efavirenz (ie Atripla) and get the bipolar treatment sorted. Unhelpful docs should be fired or castigated (or both). The efavirenz is not helping the mental health issues. This is not a debating point (as others have already said). Efavirenz doubles your suicide risk. Get off it. There are loads of alternatives.

- matt
"The object is to be a well patient, not a good patient"

Online Miss Philicia

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #182 on: September 08, 2014, 04:19:51 PM »
You need to get off efavirenz

^ this has been said ad nauseam in this thread but bears repeating nevertheless
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline Jeff G

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #183 on: September 08, 2014, 04:46:09 PM »
Yes yes and yes .

You need to get off efavirenz (ie Atripla) and get the bipolar treatment sorted. Unhelpful docs should be fired or castigated (or both). The efavirenz is not helping the mental health issues. This is not a debating point (as others have already said). Efavirenz doubles your suicide risk. Get off it. There are loads of alternatives.

- matt


^ this has been said ad nauseam in this thread but bears repeating nevertheless

Offline zach

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #184 on: September 08, 2014, 10:40:14 PM »
kicking a dead horse here robby

Offline mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #185 on: September 09, 2014, 06:22:15 AM »
Robby - you told us about the Amazon deadend a few months ago.
How is it going with that new therapist? 
Have you discussed your frustration about not getting a job with him/her? What is the professional opinion - what can doctors and what can you do, to make employment possible.  Its clearly not possible at the moment - so what is the plan?  Wishing and hoping and feeling depressed about whats presently impossible, is not a plan. It's human, but it's not a plan and not connected to the reality of the situation.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #186 on: September 10, 2014, 01:13:39 PM »
I just don't know anymore. None of the doctors seem to think Atripla is a problem for me they never mention it. I'd be open to changing HIV meds but my anxiety and avoidance problems have been bad LONG before I ever started HIV treatment. The only thing that helps my severe anxiety is xanax and it's only temporary. I feel sick and nauseous constantly probably due to the Paxil but I don't know. And I'm still getting panic attacks. I'll ask my doctor this month when I see her about the Atripla but she never seems to think it's a big deal. So you keep saying Atripla is bad so what would you all suggest as an alternative? Like with the good parts of Atripla but without the sustiva part? The quad pill? Whatever regimen t is, I already have issue sleeping so I don't need some regimen that will make mt insomnia worse.

The doctors just always tell me take my meds and don't seem to listen when I tell them I'm in crisis. So what else can I do? I take the meds but I still am consantly anxious and scared of being judged.

Oh and as far as me "beating a dead horse" if you don't like what I write don't fucking read this thread. I'm not forcing you so take your judgmental bullshit somewhere else. I'm just stating what I'm going through sorry if that bothers you sheesh.

Like I've mentioned before, I only see my psychatrist about 4 times a year. He's a nice man tries a lot of meds and the xanax does help but it doesn't last long and the paxil makes me so tired I can't even move half the time. I just fee sick and nauseous.

My new therapist is nice enough I've told her what I'm going through but when it comes to my concerns over finding employment she does nothing or offfers no practical solutions. I just don't know where to go or to turn to fnd it. I see her about once a month. She gives moral support and listens but offers no suggestions as far as how to buld a life for myself.

I have no laptop so I have to drive 45 minutes to a school to even get internet access to apply for jobs and due to the gs expenses I can't afford to do that but like once a week. Yea Im pathetic.

About to just give up looking for work because I've been unemployed for 3 years and it's not looking good. Maybe I can apply to be a homeless person I'm sure that'd be easy to get. I'm broke, drive a 15 year old car, and don't have a dime to my name.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline Jeff G

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #187 on: September 10, 2014, 01:19:20 PM »
I guess going in circles is the same as beating a dead horse ... If you are just here to vent and do not want our opinion just say so . Your situation is not going to get any better while you are on Atripla period and as long as you are taking it and still asking us for help we will remind you every-time that if you seriously want to help your self then ditch the Atripla . 

Offline mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #188 on: September 10, 2014, 01:25:12 PM »
I am aways sad and angry when i hear how under-treated you are for mental health.  Neither the therapist at 1x a month nor the shrink at 4x a year is anywhere in the range of what you need.

We have asked you over and over if your mental health caregivers are aware of your challenges and over time you seem to tell them more, but there is NO uptick in the frequency of your care.  I have no idea why not.  You seem to be warehoused of sorts.

And yet despite the bipolar moods and acting out, and your warped perceptions, which I pick up on in your posts, you also seem intellectually cogent and clever and willing and wanting to have a better life than your current state of mind permits. 

If professionals have decided you are handicapped, why aren't they pushing you toward disability - where you might have a liveable income and some independence?

If professionals have NOT diagnosed you somehow as unemployable, why are you being underserved and warehoused, for lack of a better word? 
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #189 on: September 10, 2014, 01:42:25 PM »
Well I mean what can I do? How often are you suggesting I meet with the therapist/psychiatrist? I'll raise the Atripla thing with my I'd doc for the milliont time when I see her in 2 weeks but don't know what she'll say. What I feel I need are coping skills and life skipps or like a life coach of sorts to help me sort through my bad times which is pretty much all the time and to help me find a steady job for myself. The therapist meets with me for an hour once a month and just asks about my feelings and stuff.

I do want a better life. Maybe there's some medication combo I havet tried yet that will help I don't know..

They don't ever tell me I'm handicapped. In fact, one of my doctors told me recently he thinks I'm quite high functioning. I think I am in ways but these awful self doubting thoughts just shatter me.

My moods vary wildly in the span of a day I can be happy, deluded, sad, depressed, and raging in one day. Lately I'm in a terrible anxious state of mind that borders on panic.

I went to the ER last week having a panic attack nd was crying sobbing in fact and they just told me, take your meds. And sent me home.

I'm fucking taking my meds. What else can I do? I dd double my xanax dose and that helped a bit with the terror, but it only lasts like 4 hours. Oh and I'm not dependent on it I only take it like twice a week if that.

I'll tell my psychiatrist all of this maybe he'll try me on something else. But what I want is to just be normal and find some routine and a job where I can start to support myself somewhat even if just part time to ease into it.

I can try a temp agency I guess but I'm afraid of workng around other people who might belttle or criticize me for being gay. I'm so sensitive due to the awful bullying  Got n school that any negative comment sends me into deep depression.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline Jeff G

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #190 on: September 10, 2014, 01:46:36 PM »
Robby ... look your doctor in the eye and tell them I am changing my combo today so help me find one . And for gods sake don't go to complera ... it can cause the same issues .

There was a time I didn't believe or appreciate how Atripla was effecting me and I was so very very wrong and this was not that long ago either.

Offline zach

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #191 on: September 10, 2014, 02:51:49 PM »
you mad bro?  :-*

Offline mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #192 on: September 10, 2014, 03:01:47 PM »
Maybe you need point blank questions, answers, and conversations about these basic life questions. "High functioning" jeez, thanks a lot doc, but in what context? Maybe that means you are "high functioning bi-polar seriously handicapped".  Your daily life as described, and your life reported over the months I have really started paying attention - sounds like you can't work.  But as I said you are very much aware of whats going on and jeez it makes you suffer all the more.

No way is your frequency of therapy adequate. Is this about finances? What kind of insurance do you have? Surely you qualify for once weekly sessions, if not more than that.  I personally think you need a stay in hospital BEFORE it is because you are all cut up or barely surviving a suicide attempt.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #193 on: September 11, 2014, 05:51:44 PM »
Robby what about discussing this with us here?

Do you think you get enough mental health care/treatment/attention ?

If you don't think you get enough, how do you explain that you can't have more?   Where is this blocked?
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline BubbaPat

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #194 on: September 12, 2014, 04:40:10 AM »
Robby....
You are not alone.  I'm right there with ya.  Broke. Not employed. And on meds that aren't doing what they're supposed to do.

Like Jeff said, and a few others, do what I myself have to do.  Go to your doctor and simply say that THESE MEDS AREN"T WORKING.  Let the doc know that from where you sit, the meds are making things worse.

Kiddo...you are valuable in this life.  Everyone here wants to see that value shine like the sun.  Sometimes... we have to remind our doctors that it is their job to help make this happen. 

As for the job... tell potential employers you love challenges.  Love figuring out obstacles.  Try to tell them of ones you've done at old jobs.  As for the time in between... tell them you've been self employed but that isn't really working for you at the moment and you're wanting something stable.  HECK... tell them you've been writing...trying to get a few things published...by your posts....you look pretty good at it. :)

Hope you check in soon and let us all know how it's going.

Bubba hugs!
Patrick
hugs!

Offline weasel

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #195 on: September 12, 2014, 10:59:40 PM »


    Hi Robbie ,
                    I have just spent over an hour and a half entranced in your
   conundrum .
     I am more than surprised   that no one suggested you quit the booze ?
   It most certainly is a major depression trigger .
   Speaking from my life . It started out much like yours , I was beaten
 nearly every night until I was about 14 years old , sometime in that time period between 13 and 14 I explained to my father that I would KILL HIM if he ever knocked me on my ass again . Beatings then stopped .  I was called every name in the book , I had a very nice mother , as yours is a wild witch  :o
  My father was one of the most abusive creatures GOD has ever put on earth !
  Both of my parents wanted me to stay home , they offered to will me the house .
  You know what I did ?   I turned 16 and got a job ! When I got out of school I joined the Navy . I returned home for three months , same old same old . I moved across the country  and never looked back !
   Robbie dear what are you going to do if mommy dearest lives to be 100 ?
 I read into your story that  mom is 70 , well 70 aint old anymore . Unless mommy is very ill she may live a very long time .
  Moving on to Atripla !   GET OFF OF IT !   How many people need to tell you that your mind is screwed up big time ;no fault of yours , bad drugs are bad drugs !
  I see a lot of me in you , many of the people on this site more than likely do also .
You are kidding yourself to even wonder IF both parents know you are gay ! The best thing I did was to tell mine , it made the queer talk moot  ;)
  I really hope you switch meds,   stop drinking , at least until you get in a better sate of mind . You may be living at home forever , many people do with much less drama .
  I truly hope you seek help , I've been in the very dark place , only GOD knows why I never really did kill myself ?   But I did not ! Life goes on if you make it .
                                            I wish you well , Carl
   
 
" Live and let Live "

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #196 on: September 17, 2014, 08:38:10 PM »
Thanks for the kind words bubba, meech, & weasel. It's a constant battle for me. I was starting to get a good rapport with my therapist. She seemed to care about me & I came to like meeting with her. And she was a behavioral therapist as opposed to a mindfulness one, & showed me some things I could do to help with my anxiety, anger, & mood issues. However last week in our sesion she told me she is leaving to open her own private practice. So I won't get to see her anymore. It was hard enough for me to see a therapist because I hate opening up to someone I don't
know. But she and I were getting along good. So now I'm without a therapist yet again. I guess I'll have to find
another one. Hopefully I'll find one I get along with like her.

Saw my psychiatrist again today he did give me some
number for therapists I can try so going to call about them and hopefully get set up with one. Although having to see
a new therapist is like starting from square one so that
really sucks. Ugh.

I told my psychiatrist about my continuing anxiety and panic & unstable moods. I've noticed my depressive states have gotten worse over this past year when in past it was mostly intense mania with major sexual promiscuity racing thoughts & angry outbursts. Lately though my downs are much worse. I'm on Paxil 20mg and have been for awhile. It's ok I guess but I have issues with ejaculation & feeling
 foggy like in a sleepy haze all the time. It helps my anxiety qute a bit I guess so the side effects are worth it for that.
My dr said Paxil is very good for anxiety but he said I could
 try a different med if the sexual side effects don't get
better. I do like that it's sedating instead of activating
because I tend to be hyper anyway and don't do well with
"up" meds.

I'm also on .5mg Xanax which has been a godsend for my severe panic attacks & also helping me sleep.

Dr also has me on 5mg Zyprexa to take at night. I took Seroquel way back and liked it it kept me more stable than any other med but it was so sedating that I just couldn't
function on it or I'd still be taking it.

I asked my psychiatrist today that if I'm bipolar I like he says why can't I just try Lithium or Lamictal. He said the Zyprexa is basically the same as Lamictal and Zypexa
helps me sleep but I'm concerned that I'm still having manic thoughts on it. So maybe I'll need a larger dose. I
see him again in October so we'll see. He did say that he'd be open to trying Lithium but as a last resortbecause the
 side effects are pretty intense and I'd have to have regular blood tests on it.

Bipolar disorder sucks I never know when I'm going to be depressed or manic again. Luckily I haven't had a major manic episode for almost a year but the depression getting worse worries me some. For now my psychiatrist wants to keep me on Paxil Xanax and Zyprexa. I'll see how that goes I guess. He said I need the Paxil because my anxiety is a separate problem from the bipolar and has to be treated as such. I had asked him if there was a medication that could treat anxiety and bipolar all in one but he said no. So hopefully the Zyprexa helps. 5mg seems like a low dose but I hope it keeps me stable.



Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #197 on: September 18, 2014, 06:16:37 AM »
That sucks royally about losing your therapist.
I asked you before and you didnt answer so obviously don't if its too private but why can't you follow her to private practice. What insurance do you have?  If you had permanent disability, could you then have more choice of doctor/therapist, and more frequent meetings?
My observation is that you are under-treated and that your treatment is slow because of frequency of access.  So is there a way to get more comprehensive treatment?

If you had disability, would you qualify for subsidised housing for yourself. Get a check every month. That sort of thing...  ?
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #198 on: September 21, 2014, 05:21:47 PM »
Meech, to answer your questions..I had Anthem but they dropped me without explanation a year ago which was fine with me because they had raised my premium by like 50 dollars in just a few months, to about 280 dollar a month. So I don't miss them at all. Since the first of this year, I've been on a state-funded insurance plan through my state. Basically it's Medicaid. Costs are very low and reasonable, and I have adequate primary care and hiv treatment thankfully. However when it comes to psychiatric care that's more dificult.

Heres the deal. My gp was treating me for anxiety for awhle but when I kept getting worse and having major mood swings, she wanted to refer me to a psychiatrist. She recommended one that she herself had viited and recommended to me. So I've been going to him since 2013 uually I ee him every month or sometimes every 3 months.

He doesn't accept Medicaid, but luckily my gp arranged it o that Ryan White pays for me to see him so I don't pay anything. Which is lucky I guess because the only other psychiatrists in my town that accept my insurance are booked out months in advance, and I'm overall pretty happy with my psychiatrist.

However I do wish I could see him more often sometime, but that's up to me. His staff is always very accomodating when I call the office to request an earlier appointment or something. Right now, he's basically my only option as far as seeing an actual certified psychiatrist, and since he know my gp and sees other hiv patients of hers, I do feel lucky to have acces to him.

Now I just need to find another therapist I'll ask my gp about it ths week when I see her. I'm wanting to get off Atripla as soon as possible it's really messing me up I think.

As far as disability, I'm not sure, I haven't ever worked anywhere steady for long I wasn't aware I could qualify for it. But I'll def ask my social worker this week about it. If I could qualify for it, maybe I could get a check and a small place of my own to live, while I keep working on my issues and looking for some kind of work. Not sure wha the criteria for disability are. Cause even if I got it, I'd still want to try and work at least part time when I'm stable.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #199 on: September 21, 2014, 06:11:44 PM »
Hmm well it sounds like you are doing well getting some access even though the insurance isn't very generous. I guess this means that the psychiatrist can not be the therapist - just the prescribing psychiatrist.
I really don't know anything about the actual disability benefits, but I'm sure a social worker will help tell you what is possible and isn't.  When I was asking about disability I didn't just mean the technical benefit program, but also - whatever it is called when one is unable to work...  I don't know what happens for a person in your case who can't work and has never worked due to a disability...  I don't even know if you are disabled.  I was searching for possibilities based on the facts so far related - that you don't have a job, find it very difficult to be offered a job, and never had one, so it seems after a certain number of years, this must be considered that you are unable to work, for whatever reason.  So what happens then?

What does the US social safety net offer someone in your shoes?  I get that you want to work. But without real intensive therapy to completely investigate and control the psychological illnesses as best as possible, is that realistic? Saying, well, I'm going to get better, and then I'll finally be able to work, and then I'll be able to move out, and so on. 

And yet it would be great if you could leave your house and have some independence..  So when is it time to cut losses? 

The quasi-public supported health insurance isn't generous enough to treat your mental illness adequately.  Is there another source of income that can give you independent living while you continue to be unable to work, and to be under treated for mental illness?

Where do adults in your shoes go, if there is no family to live with?  How do those people pay rent, eat, etc?
« Last Edit: September 21, 2014, 06:16:39 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

 


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