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Author Topic: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless  (Read 13123 times)

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Offline RobbyR

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I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« on: April 04, 2014, 12:40:58 PM »
I don't even know what's the point anymore. I've gone on dozens of interviews in the last two years & I never get a job. I am struggling with anxiety, depression, & bipolar. Now I am on my last few meds & in like two days I run out. And my psychiatrist won't even return my calls. I went on another interview today & it seemed like the guy was just going through the motions & that he already had his mind made up before it even started. So why even waste my time & get my hopes up? I hate how I look & don't like myself at all I wish I was hot then maybe I could get a job & nobody cares sometimes I feel like just killing myself.

Nobody cares I've gone to staffing agencies, & other job interviews & it's always the same lame excuses either lack of work experience or something else. I am openly gay so maybe that's it but it's not like I'm very feminine or flamy. I am having suicidal thoughts over this my whole family has already pretty much abandoned me they are super religious & don't accept me being gay so I have no support system.

I'm 32 years old & have never had a real job. In the past I had major manic episodes which caused me to be hospitalized but then the meds helped somewhat but now I'm almost out of my meds & this interview today was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I don't get it I am pleasant, nice, disarming, & conversational during interviews. It's ruining my life I don't know what I'll do when I run out of meds this weekend or don't get a job soon. I'm really feeling a complete wreck 
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline Jeff G

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #1 on: April 04, 2014, 12:44:46 PM »
Robby ... have you considered Atripla may be in part fueling your feelings of hopelessness ?

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #2 on: April 04, 2014, 12:47:35 PM »
Robby, instead of waiting for a call back from your psychiatrist I would advise just going in as a walk in if your situation is this critical. You're bipolar and you don't want to mess around with things if for some reason whatever meds you are currently prescribed are not working. I've seen this happen to friends and it rarely ends well if they wait around.

If you are not working this afternoon and have the time then that's my advice -- either that or an ER visit.

What meds are you on, and aside from getting prescriptions with what frequency are you having one-on-one for these other non-bipolar type social/mental health issues?

edit: agree with Jeff -- it's negligent of your HIV doctor IMO to have you on Atripla
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline GoForIt

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #3 on: April 04, 2014, 12:49:55 PM »
Job market has always been tough.

You can always get a new psychiatrist.

Preparing for a job interview takes a lot of time and effort.
What type of job are you looking for?

Most employers in the everyday job market aren't looking to discuss sexual orientation.

They want to know why they should pay you all this money?
You are the one taking up their time for the opportunity to possibly work for them...So you really need to sell yourself in the few minutes you have in the interview you were able to land.

It's not about being "hot" ...but your personal attitude and reflection of yourself might play a negative role in your interviews.

Headhunters just suck most of the time.  If you are interviewing at a place where they just try to find you a job...those almost never pan out unless you have tons of experience.

You need to psch yourself up, prepare as much as you can, and go into the interview saying...I'm going to nail this.  I'm going to sell myself and be the best.  I'm worth a lot and reflect that you are hard worker with time and ability to really add to someones business in a positive way.

Preparation and attitude is everything for job interviews.

Keep your head up, its just a job.....work sucks. 

Mental and Physical health first.
08/09/2013   Diagnosed WB positive
08/20/2013   CD4-506(28%)  VL-10,800
09/12/2013   CD4-391(28%)  VL-14,900
09/17/2013   Start ART (Truvada & Tivicay)
10/11/2013   CD4-377(26%)  VL-UD
12/20/2013   CD4-590(??%)  VL-UD
03/18/2014   CD4-660(29%)  VL-UD
07/22/2014   CD4-613(29%)  VL-UD
08/01/2014    Start TAF Clinical Trial
10/09/2014   CD4-498(29.5%) VL-UD
11/06/2014   CD4-600(30.2%) VL-UD

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #4 on: April 04, 2014, 12:58:28 PM »
I just don't even feel like bothering I think I'm going to the liquor store  maybe I'll just pass out so I won't feel this pain anymore. I don't know what the hell Atripla has to do with anything it's the only med I've been on & it's not even a psych med.

It's easy for people who have jobs to pass judgment on those who don't I'm not lazy & I am willing to work so I hate when my psychiatrist acts like I shouldn't be on the Affordable Care Act well excuse me what am I supposed to do pay 300 dollars for private insurance which I don't have? I wish I was some strapping hot guy instead of an ugly tall slim dude maybe then I'd get a job. I'm just sick of going to interviews & trying my best & then feeling like I'm just there as a waste of time I wish someone would just give me a chance & hire me all I want is a regular job so I can prove myself.

And I can't go anywhere as a walk in my psychiatrist is not in the office all weekend. So I may just get some bourbon & maybe I'll pass out. I don't want to be in pain anymore I'm tired of fake ass people who say they'll help you out & then never show up or care when I'm going through a rough time.

I've been taking Paxil Latuda & Xanax but I hate Paxil & the Latuda samples are almost out & my psychiatrist won't return my calls so yeah I don't know what there is to do.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline GoForIt

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #5 on: April 04, 2014, 12:58:35 PM »
Robby ... have you considered Atripla may be in part fueling your feelings of hopelessness ?

This too.
08/09/2013   Diagnosed WB positive
08/20/2013   CD4-506(28%)  VL-10,800
09/12/2013   CD4-391(28%)  VL-14,900
09/17/2013   Start ART (Truvada & Tivicay)
10/11/2013   CD4-377(26%)  VL-UD
12/20/2013   CD4-590(??%)  VL-UD
03/18/2014   CD4-660(29%)  VL-UD
07/22/2014   CD4-613(29%)  VL-UD
08/01/2014    Start TAF Clinical Trial
10/09/2014   CD4-498(29.5%) VL-UD
11/06/2014   CD4-600(30.2%) VL-UD

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #6 on: April 04, 2014, 01:05:00 PM »
I don't know what the hell Atripla has to do with anything it's the only med I've been on & it's not even a psych med.

Then you've not spent much time on this forum reading the innumerable threads about the interaction of the Sustiva component in that medication and how it effects patients with mental health issues -- it's well documented and physicians are supposed to screen for this when prescribing the medication. Do some research instead of going to the liquor store.

And you should still be going to your psychiatrists office right now. You are the patient, sometimes you have to do the work you know. Why continue to write about him/her not returning your calls?
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline GoForIt

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #7 on: April 04, 2014, 01:07:36 PM »
I just don't even feel like bothering I think I'm going to the liquor store  maybe I'll just pass out so I won't feel this pain anymore. I don't know what the hell Atripla has to do with anything it's the only med I've been on & it's not even a psych med.

It's easy for people who have jobs to pass judgment on those who don't I'm not lazy & I am willing to work so I hate when my psychiatrist acts like I shouldn't be on the Affordable Care Act well excuse me what am I supposed to do pay 300 dollars for private insurance which I don't have? I wish I was some strapping hot guy instead of an ugly tall slim dude maybe then I'd get a job. I'm just sick of going to interviews & trying my best & then feeling like I'm just there as a waste of time I wish someone would just give me a chance & hire me all I want is a regular job so I can prove myself.

And I can't go anywhere as a walk in my psychiatrist is not in the office all weekend. So I may just get some bourbon & maybe I'll pass out. I don't want to be in pain anymore I'm tired of fake ass people who say they'll help you out & then never show up or care when I'm going through a rough time.

I've been taking Paxil Latuda & Xanax but I hate Paxil & the Latuda samples are almost out & my psychiatrist won't return my calls so yeah I don't know what there is to do.

Xanax just calms you down instantly and makes you tired.

Atripla contains Sustiva which has recently proven to have negative mental effects including depression and suicidal thoughts.

Atripla might be contributing to your over-all negative attitude at everything.

Liqor is a downer and won't really help...probably make you more depressed or more tired.

Exercise helps to get rid of these crappy feelings too.  Not drinking tho.
08/09/2013   Diagnosed WB positive
08/20/2013   CD4-506(28%)  VL-10,800
09/12/2013   CD4-391(28%)  VL-14,900
09/17/2013   Start ART (Truvada & Tivicay)
10/11/2013   CD4-377(26%)  VL-UD
12/20/2013   CD4-590(??%)  VL-UD
03/18/2014   CD4-660(29%)  VL-UD
07/22/2014   CD4-613(29%)  VL-UD
08/01/2014    Start TAF Clinical Trial
10/09/2014   CD4-498(29.5%) VL-UD
11/06/2014   CD4-600(30.2%) VL-UD

Offline Jeff G

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #8 on: April 04, 2014, 01:09:57 PM »
Robby ... I have talked to you about Atripla many a time before so I do not see why its a surprise its come up again . People with mental health issues should not be on Atripla    

Offline Ann

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #9 on: April 04, 2014, 02:03:02 PM »

I don't know what the hell Atripla has to do with anything it's the only med I've been on & it's not even a psych med.


Of course it's not a psych med - but it CAN cause people to need psych meds!

We have told you time and time again that the Sustiva portion of Atripla is a bad, bad
BAD
fit for someone with mental health issues like bi-polar.

We DO care. I just wish you cared back enough to listen to what people have been telling you for quite some time now.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

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Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #10 on: April 04, 2014, 02:27:25 PM »
I just don't want to feel this pain anymore & I'm tired of being a loser. Anyone who says the economy I good is full of crap I've been trying to get a job for 3 years with no luck & I'm just sick of it. I don't feel like living anymore what's the point if I can't be self sufficient.

As far as meds I really don't know what your talking about because my doctor hasn't ever asked me to stop Atripla & what if some other med has tons of bad side effects.

And my psychiatrist is gone for the weekend & I'll be out of my mood stabilizer in 2 days I don't think it's even workin anyway. So I don't know what to do all I want to do now is die & not feel like a total loser anymore. I have no job no friends (real ones anyway) & no prospects. So tell me what's the point?
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline BT65

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #11 on: April 04, 2014, 02:37:22 PM »
Robby, I understand you're feeling helpless and hopeless, but just the fact that you're reaching out here some says you really do want to live.  So that's a start.  If your psychiatrist is not in now, you need to go to the ER and tell them the whole story....the bipolar, not having meds, suicidal feelings.  They will be able to help you.

BTW, I was on Sustiva, which is in Atripla, and had to get off because of it being detrimental to my mental health.  Of course that's up to you to discuss  with your doctor.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Jeff G

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #12 on: April 04, 2014, 02:46:25 PM »
This is a warning on the website who makes this drug . http://www.atripla.com/Index.aspx

ATRIPLA may cause the following additional serious side effects:
Serious psychiatric problems. Severe depression, strange thoughts, or angry behavior have been reported by a small number of patients. Some patients have had thoughts of suicide, and a few have actually committed suicide. These problems may occur more often in patients who have had mental illness


From drugs,com quoting the FDA

http://www.drugs.com/pro/atripla.html
 There have also been occasional postmarketing reports of death by suicide, delusions, and psychosis-like behavior, although a causal relationship to the use of efavirenz cannot be determined from these reports. Patients with serious psychiatric adverse experiences should seek immediate medical evaluation to assess the possibility that the symptoms may be related to the use of efavirenz, and if so, to determine whether the risks of continued therapy outweigh the benefits .


From our own site . http://aidsmeds.com/archive/Atripla_1577.shtml

A small number of patients have had severe depression, strange thoughts, or angry behavior while taking Sustiva, one of the drugs in Atripla. Some patients have had thoughts of suicide and a few patients have actually committed suicide. These problems tend to occur more often in patients with a history of mental illness. You should contact your doctor immediately if you think you are having these symptoms, so your doctor can decide whether you should continue to take Sustiva.
 
We are trying to help you so please talk to your doctor about this .

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #13 on: April 04, 2014, 03:34:58 PM »
Robby, Betty is right -- at this point (meaning late on a Friday) you need to go to the ER and get them to sort out at the very least enough meds to control your bipolar situation until you get to your psychiatrist.

After that, obviously the consensus here is that YOU need to assert yourself with your doctor and insist on changing from Atripla to another HIV regimen. You need to assume responsibility with the situation. Nobody else is going to do it for you.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline britchick

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #14 on: April 04, 2014, 06:07:50 PM »
RobbyR,

We care about you!
I think many people here can relate to how you are feeling....and that sometimes everything becomes too much.I really hope that you can go to the ER today.You will definetly get some help and be able to talk .
Please try not to worry re jobs , because right now, you and your health are way , more important.
You need to take baby steps and have the ER  staff help you out with sorting out meds and getting some rest tonight.
You have already started the baby steps, just by coming online today..., so thats really good.

britchickxxx


Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #15 on: April 04, 2014, 06:16:01 PM »
I'm just scared to go to the ER I mean what would I tell them? I'm afraid they'd try & commit me somewhere if I told them I had suicidal thoughts? What would they do? My psychiatrist hasn't called me back I think he doesn't like me because I am on the affordable care act & because I am not paying for my visits to him out of pocket at least he always seems very aloof with me. I don't know. I'm just scared to go & what do I tell them in the ER, hello I'm a total basket case because I can't find work? I even used my state's vocational rehab office & they basically didn't do shit to help place me in a job either.

I'm almost out of money & meds & I am really depressed & not sure how I am going to eat if I can't find work soon I just feel everyone is against me & there is a big conspiracy.

I'll think about going to the ER if I don't feel better but I'm just scared they'll label me as crazy & if people find out they'd love to use that as an excuse against me & I'm afraid they'll try & commit me somewhere so I don't know.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline zach

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #16 on: April 04, 2014, 07:00:39 PM »
You get help for this. Get off atripla and on something else. Get a new doc if current one won't cooperate.

No matter what, get help. Baker act, 5150, whatever they call a mental health hold in your state, usually are 72 hours. Thats nothing man, and well worth it to save life.

I haven't followed your posts enough to know. But I think everything you've been feeling, is part of the process. For you (and me) made harder because of preexisting mental issues

You go into the ER. Tell them you are on a med that is contraindicated for mental illnesses. Tell them you're having suicidal thoughts

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #17 on: April 04, 2014, 07:17:29 PM »
What is a 72 hour hold? Would they hold me against my will if I said I was suicidal in the ER? I don't have anyone to watch my dog & cat if I wasn't home so I worry about that too I'm just scared to go to the ER because I'm scared they'll try & commit me & then I'll be screwed. I'm just majorly depressed & pissed off at everyone but you know what this has taught me that your on your own in this world so called friends dnt do shit when you reach out to them & ask for help they just don't care so it's all good I see how it is. I have a bottle of Xanax I'm thinking of taking the whole bottle. I just don't trust people like I said I have nobody it's all gone I have nothing left my best friend moved away someone took him awy & I'm estranged from my family & so called friends I reached out to lied to me they won't respond when I asked them for help. Not sure what I'll do but I am at the end of my rope.
« Last Edit: April 04, 2014, 07:21:43 PM by RobbyR »
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline Jeff G

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #18 on: April 04, 2014, 07:39:39 PM »
Robby . Can I ask you what you want people to do to help you ?

I have noticed that no matter what is offered to you in the way of advice or suggestions is anything you will consider, so its hard to help a person when they will not let you .
 
Do you think maybe your friends may be at a loss as to how to help you ?   

Offline zach

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #19 on: April 04, 2014, 07:49:40 PM »
Put your big boy pants on, buck up, it's three days man.

Who's gonna feed your pets if you opt out?

Take the bottle, it won't kill you. Trust me on that. Been there. I woke up on that hold, and had to get just a little lower before I started trying to pull it together

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #20 on: April 04, 2014, 07:55:31 PM »
First of all I have my "big boy" pants on I'm going through right now. I've had the year from hell & it's only gotten worse since my best friend & the only person I trusted my aunt passed away. I'm just really scared & I don't feel good about myself at all I feel ugly & like a loser.

To Jeff I feel you genuinely do want to help unlike some others on here I appreciate that. I won't post anymore I guessall I can do is just try & block all of this pain out & stay strong because I don't want people thinking I'm some ridiculous crazy person they would never shut up gossipping about that. So thanks for your suggestions I will weigh them & maybe get some type of discreet help.
« Last Edit: April 04, 2014, 08:01:00 PM by RobbyR »
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #21 on: April 04, 2014, 08:28:30 PM »


   I've had experience going to the ER when I was going through a very difficult time, twice actually.   Saved my life both times.  Robby, I hope you make the decision to get the help you need.

  I also have experience with Atripla.  I remember when I started it I convinced myself that none of those CNS issues would affect me.  Boy was I wrong.  The changes were so subtle, yet mounting...  After two years of use, I knew something was definitely wrong, yet somehow convinced myself it was me and not the medicine.  That was a shitty cycle I was in.

  Robby, I won't attempt to rub you wrong by telling you that you desperately need to make some changes.   However, would you agree that what you're doing right now is not really working out well for you?  It only goes on for as long as you let it.

 

 
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline Jeff G

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #22 on: April 04, 2014, 08:37:11 PM »

   I've had experience going to the ER when I was going through a very difficult time, twice actually.   Saved my life both times.  Robby, I hope you make the decision to get the help you need.

  I also have experience with Atripla.  I remember when I started it I convinced myself that none of those CNS issues would affect me.  Boy was I wrong.  The changes were so subtle, yet mounting...  After two years of use, I knew something was definitely wrong, yet somehow convinced myself it was me and not the medicine.  That was a shitty cycle I was in.

  Robby, I won't attempt to rub you wrong by telling you that you desperately need to make some changes.   However, would you agree that what you're doing right now is not really working out well for you?  It only goes on for as long as you let it.

 

 

I can relate well to this . When I was on Atripla I had no idea it was the drug causing my problems . I wanted to die and would have surely acted on it if not for the love of my dog, she kept me going but just barely .

I used to sit and cry and wish I was dead, I thought I had lost my mind and couldn't fathom ever feeling like truly living again  . I no longer feel that way since I got the help I needed and ditched the Atripla .   

Offline zach

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #23 on: April 04, 2014, 08:37:57 PM »
Don't run off just because I'm an ass. I've been where you are, exactly where you are. I don't judge you for what you're going through. I held my 7yr old son while they disconnected life support. Then I was diagnosed, then I planned it out and waited for script refill. Full bottle of vicadin, full bottle lorazepam, then started in on dad's heart meds. It's really hard to pill out, your body always wants life. No matter what your mind says. You'll just puke it out, maybe wake up in hospital getting pumped with charcoal, and yeah dude, maybe held for three days. You'll get a psych referral out of the ordeal.


Offline britchick

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #24 on: April 05, 2014, 01:47:18 PM »
RobbyR,

I've been thinking about you today.I hope you can post back here when you feel ready.You have a  lot of people here who care about you and want to help , just letti g you

Offline britchick

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #25 on: April 05, 2014, 01:50:19 PM »
Apologies....my comp not working great and cut me off halfway through my email.Just letting you know we want to know how you are doing.


britchickxxx

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #26 on: April 05, 2014, 02:17:29 PM »
Hi everyone thanks for your sentiments I appreciate them I'm still here. I guess I feel a small bit better today but I'm still really scared & struggling with this depression. I slept for 10 hours & I could barely get out of bed. It doesn't help being a Pisces on top of it all, we are so sensitive & feel things so much more intensely at least I always have. This guy I had been talking to did make me fee better this morning when he texted me & talked a bit, but then he suddenly told me "his daughter was calling, she's autistic, & very chatty so lets continue this another time"..Maybe I misread it but it felt like he was saying I was autistic or something because I was chatty. I dunno I just felt brushed off.
It seems like guys always only want sex from me & are not interested in me as a person and it makes me feel very sad & lonely. Even on facebook when I meet a new guy & it seems we hit it off it always seems to turn sexual don't get me wrong I don't mind that but it'd be nice to meet
someone some day who cares about me as a person &
doesn't mind my eccentricities and such.

Eh..I don't know..Im still feeling a complete mess, confused, & sad I was on the verge of tears earlier, but not quite as bad as last night. I'm just so not motivated I guess I feel like what's the point.

Two weeks ago I guess I was in a major manic period because I was the total opposite I was bouncing off the walls feeling happy & very seductive & I was out having
risky sex. I hate this cycle & now I'm in the worst depressed episode I've ever had.

I'm going to be taking my last Latuda tablets tomorrow they haven't seemed to help too much anyways. Maybe a different medication? I just don't know what to do maybe I
should go to the ER but I feel so depressed I'm scared to & I don't have anyone to go with me.

And my psychiatrist is totally unavailable until next week


Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline Joe K

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #27 on: April 05, 2014, 03:49:15 PM »
Hey Robby,

I am so sorry to hear how difficult life is right now for you.  I have lived with mental illness my entire life and I know, from personal experience, just how hard it can be to live with a mental illness.  I also suffer from depression and I know how it can alter our perceptions of reality and actually affect our thought processes.  Both depression and bi-polarity are caused by a chemical imbalance within the brain that can often be treated successfully with the proper medication and cognitive therapy (talk therapy).

Without the proper treatment you feel as you do, because your mind and emotions are simply not able to process information correctly.  This does not mean there is anything wrong with you, or that you are any less of a decent human being, it means you have an illness that you need to treat.  These diseases manifest themselves in the very feelings, both physically and mentally, that you are experiencing and are a sign that you need some help.

As others have mentioned, the Sustiva component in Atripla is known to cause serious issues in those of us who suffer from mental illness and there are many other HIV drugs that will work for you, without you suffering any horrible side effects.  Knowing what I know about Sustiva, I am pretty much begging you to talk with your HIV doctor and to choose a new drug regime that does not include Sustiva.  I cannot stress this enough Robby, Sustiva can be deadly for folks like us and there is no reason for you to risk your mental well being when there are other drugs that will control your HIV just as well.

I also hope you realize that what you are experiencing right now, is a combination of many things, like lack of a job, friends and feelings of utter despair and hopelessness.  The issue here Robby, is your mental illness and not any defect in you as a person.  You are not experiencing your world as you could, because your mind is not perceiving things as they really are and you are experiencing these intense emotions, because of your illness and not because you are somehow lacking  as a human being.

I also realize that all of this can be overwhelming and I want you to know that I will be here for you, if you need me, because one can never have too many friends.  I also know a cry for help when I hear one and right now, my friend, you are screaming for help and we are here for you.

What I would ask of you is for you to talk with your HIV doctor, like Monday and change your Atripla to some other drug regime.  You have no idea how damaging Sustiva can be to folks like us and it may also be the cause of your psych meds not working as well as they could.  My point here is to encourage you to remove a drug that we know can cause major issues and which may be the source of many of the issues you now face.

It would also be very helpful, for you to share with your HIV doctor whatever other meds you are taking, just to be sure that you are not taking ANY meds that can cause interactions with the other drugs.  I would encourage you to do the same with your psychiatrist, again to be sure that whatever psych meds you may take do not interfere with your HIV meds.  I have done this for years with my doctors and by doing so, I have been able to effectively treat both my HIV and depression/anxiety/PTSD issues.

The real issue here is that you do not like how you feel and you want to change that and you will need help to do so.  Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, rather it is a sign of great strength, when we realize that some problems in life are simply too large for us to overcome alone.  What you are doing here is acknowledging that you do not like your life and that you are willing to try new avenues to get the old Robby back.

Everyone who has posted here, wants nothing more than for you to be happy and to live the life that you choose.  You know you cannot do this alone and you do not have to go it alone, unless you push those who want to help you away.

Please do not push us away and do not wait to help yourself.  As much as I sympathize with how you feel, at some point, you need to stop the self-pity and decide that you no longer wish to live like this and you will move mountains, if need be to change your life for the better.

You can do this Robby.  I will not lie and say it will be easy, but what choice do you really have?  You know you don't like living like this, so stop being a victim and become a survivor.  Reach out to those who can help you... I promise that you are worth it.

Joe

Offline Jeff G

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #28 on: April 05, 2014, 03:50:08 PM »
Joe posted just as I was and as unseal said it much better than I ever could but I will post any way . 

We will always do what we can in the way of support but please know that we must tell you what we think is the best and sometime that is not easy to hear, but we mean the best I promise you .

We can be here to hear you and support you but there is two key things that I personally can identify that might could help . I encourage you to go to the emergency room when you are having a tough time . If you do this, you stand a much better chance at getting your doctors attention or finding one that is right for you, also you can get the immediate care that you may need . 

The other issue is the Atripla, I only bring it up again because I am certain that this is not the right combo for you and I find it beyond reasonable that your doctors let you continue on with it . I'm not suggesting you make any changes to your combo or other meds until a doctor is consulted about it . If your doctors want you to continue to take Atripla I urge you to go get a second opinion because I really do believe that this drug is adding to your struggles as it did to me and countless others .

We will continue to support you in your time of need Robby but in return we ask that you be patient with us and take it to heart and seriously consider our advice . All of us forum members are not shy about stepping in when bad advice is offered so if you hear the same advice from many of us at the same time its well worth listening to in my experience .

I hope today is a better day for you .... you will be on my mind . Jeff .
« Last Edit: April 05, 2014, 03:53:47 PM by Jeff G »

Offline britchick

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #29 on: April 05, 2014, 04:57:31 PM »
RobbyR,

Im so relieved to read that you got some sleep and could come back online today.Jeff, Betty, Ann and Joe have all spoken from the heart and given great advice.

Please keep coming back online, thats what we are all here for...to support each other.....and to listen

britchickxxx

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #30 on: April 05, 2014, 05:57:15 PM »
I will ask my doc about the Atripla I dunno if that's entirely to blame for my issues or not I've had bipolar & issues for many years prior to ever starting Atripla.Maybe it makes it worse sometimes I dunno..Maybe sometime I can try Lithium I heard it works well for bipolar & depression. People have told me Latuda a better first line treatment for bipolar but they said if that fails Lithium could be helpful. My psych told me this too.

I'm pretty worried because I'm going to run out of my Latuda pills tomorrow & my psychiatrist hasn't returned my calls so I feel he doesn't care. I wonder if he even knows I exist.

But I'll def ask about the Atripla contributing to my depression but I'm skeptical.

I've discovered one thing..I do NOT do well with SSRIs at all Paxil is the only one I've been able to take & even it makes me feel really out of it & sometimes depressed worse. I get nauseated a lot. I've tried Zoloft too & it was awful it sent me to the ER.

The only things that have helped myanxiety have been Xanax & Propranolol, & the Xanax wears off too quickly.

I'd like to try Klonopin. But if I can't get my Latuda refilled I'm not sure what I'll do. I wish there was one pill to treat bipolar & anxiety all in one  :(

I guess if I don't hear from my psychiatrist by Monda & I'm still really depressed, I'll have to go to the ER.

I'm also struggling with some eating issues I've been purging & binging some because I've hurt so bad I just want to sleep or eat & purge what I can.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline Joe K

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #31 on: April 05, 2014, 06:31:30 PM »
Robby,

I don't even know where to begin.  You need help my friend and I am asking you to go to the nearest ER and explain what is happening with you.  You do not have to mention thoughts of suicide to get treated, and I am begging you to talk with someone today.  What you are experiencing is not normal or healthy and I fear that you are unable to see how much damage you are causing yourself.

If nothing else, please call a suicide hotline and talk with someone.  You are spiraling downward and I fear that you cannot see what is happening.  I empathize with what you are experiencing and I think we both know that you cannot do this alone.

I want you to live and regain what it is you have lost.  I wish I was there to be with you, to reassure you that you can change these feelings, but you cannot do this alone, nor should you have to do so.

Please talk with someone today.  Please do not wait.  I am begging you, because I remember the feelings that allowed me to put a loaded gun into my mouth and to contemplate pulling the trigger.

Robby... please do not give up on you.

Joe

Offline mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #32 on: April 06, 2014, 08:31:54 AM »
You really need to get off Atripla.  A lot of doctors are ignorant of its effects.

You really need to feel there is a doctor who cares and will follow through. Everyone deserves that including you. Rather than suffering in isolation, you need to put yourself into the medical system and tell people whats going on and ask for attention.

Its possible you are a number to your therapist, but its up to you to plug through the system to get another. 

You may need someone to coach you, advocate, toward getting the treatments you need, and that person might not be a doctor - but getting in to medial and social services - face to face - for attention -- is the way you will meet up with the ones who really will help.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline britchick

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #33 on: April 06, 2014, 09:33:17 AM »
RobbyR,

((The hospital will always have an oncall consultant, another pair of ears and eyes and  a different perspective and its your right to have that help.))

britchickxxx


Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #34 on: April 06, 2014, 11:44:02 AM »
I made it another night tho how I don't know. I'm a bit drunk today & xanax put me to sleep but I'm still in so much pain I appreciate again the comments & people wanting to help I have given up trying to reach my psychiatrist he just must not care about me that I'm in total meltdown. I hate feeling so alone & sad ever since my aunt died I have noone & nothing left it's all gone. I'm so scared, but I might try & go to the ER & ask for help. It's just so hard for me to even go out in public sometimes because I'm scared people are judging me or will make fun of me & the slightest critical look or comment can hurt me so bad. I just hate how I look & that people think I'm a flamboyant ugly looking gay guy instead of a buff masculine guy but I can't help how I'm built. I just feel unwanted, unloved.

Awhile back I was at a gay bar and this guy I thought was liking me was chatting with me and another guy & he went back inside the bar & I followed. He said, "oh, you came in here too, I meant for the other one to" Well this just devastated me I thought he liked me & he was just using
me to buddy up to the one he really liked. And another guy met me at a bar and within 5 minutes apparently he found me so ugly he left me to go pal with other dudes he couldn't even give me the courtesy of saying excuse me. He left me alone sitting at the bar. I'm just over guys there aren't any good ones left unless your buff & masculine looking apparently.

And there's the fact I can't even get a job. I have a visual impairment which requires me to wear dark glasses & I
 feel people don't like it. It's just one thing after another I don't ask for much I just want to have a job & be independent like others & have friends who care about me & feel wanted by guys. I wish I had a muscularbody instead of this one.

I may try to go the the ER tomorrow but I'm still scared. Abilify & Latuda haven't helped me I had a terrible manic episode recently & now I'm more depressed than ever.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #35 on: April 06, 2014, 05:15:41 PM »
What about going to the ER today?  Nobody is going to judge you in transit to the ER. You got to pay attention now to this imbalance.

(Really you can tackle the nasty gay dating scene when you are less fragile, feeling more secure. For what its worth, you aren't seeing that so clearly right now. Really, there are all kinds of flavours of people in this world, and everybody likes something different.  Plenty of people are NOT looking for buff masculine dudes....)

For the moment you need some people taking care of you. 

Sounds like you could use some social contacts, eventually, that are not especially gay or cruisy like bars. 

How are you supporting yourself in these times?
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #36 on: April 07, 2014, 11:13:27 AM »
I got my letter of rejection for the last job I interviewed for. This makes like the 100th time I haven't gotten the job. I'm sure it's because I have little work history, or because I'm ugly, or gay (and not super butch), or a combination of them. I really hate myself.

The worst part is being alone, not having anyone to talk to who I trust or who cares. I have nobody. The so called therapist I used to see didn't seem interested & never asked me to call him if I needed anything..I just don't know what to do.

I guess I'll go to the ER & tell them I'm really depressed. My car is acting up so I hope I cam even get there.

I'm really wanting to take all my pills & hope I just go to sleep & not wake up. I got this letter of rejection this morning & I just can't take anymore I'm willing to work & I try to say all the right things in interviews so it must be ME.

Meanwhile I'm in debt up to my eyeballs with zero way of paying any of it back for the student loans, & I am having to binge & purge because I can't stop & don't know how. I just can't take much more of this I am so lonely & I'm sick of being a loser & don't know where to get help. I'm scared.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline zach

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #37 on: April 07, 2014, 11:28:45 AM »
Robby, seriously, you're locked into a circular line of thinking that is extremely unhealthy. You need to be under medical care, like yesterday, not when it's convenient, now

Offline Joe K

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #38 on: April 07, 2014, 11:59:48 AM »
I got my letter of rejection for the last job I interviewed for. This makes like the 100th time I haven't gotten the job. I'm sure it's because I have little work history, or because I'm ugly, or gay (and not super butch), or a combination of them. I really hate myself.

The worst part is being alone, not having anyone to talk to who I trust or who cares. I have nobody. The so called therapist I used to see didn't seem interested & never asked me to call him if I needed anything..I just don't know what to do.

I guess I'll go to the ER & tell them I'm really depressed. My car is acting up so I hope I cam even get there.

I'm really wanting to take all my pills & hope I just go to sleep & not wake up. I got this letter of rejection this morning & I just can't take anymore I'm willing to work & I try to say all the right things in interviews so it must be ME.

Meanwhile I'm in debt up to my eyeballs with zero way of paying any of it back for the student loans, & I am having to binge & purge because I can't stop & don't know how. I just can't take much more of this I am so lonely & I'm sick of being a loser & don't know where to get help. I'm scared.

Robby,

We talked about this and you know that you need help, so stop making excuses.  Please believe me when I tell you that your ability to think clearly right now is severely compromised and if you want to get better, you need some help.

Stop making excuses and get to a doctor NOW.

Joe

Offline mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #39 on: April 07, 2014, 05:20:44 PM »
Robby, I'm sure you can offer something of value. For the moment not much is possible for a job because you are not figuring out a workable solution for the mood swings. Ditto, bf.

You can trust people here - we see that you are NOT seeing things correctly. Your body build and looks have ZERO to do with getting a job, for example. ZERO. Trust that is true.

You got to go talk to doctors who are going to figure out how to deal immediately with the crisis of mood swings and depression. Its a priority.

Explain to the people you meet in ER everything you have said here, the binge/purging, depression, manic periods, suicidal thoughts, the body dysmophia, everything.

If you can't bear to go outside, please make one call yourself, call this:
 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
This will automatically connect you to a crisis centre in your area. You will get a trained ear AND you will get a concrete referral to getting to mental health assistance directly.

Do this now, please don't wait any longer.   
« Last Edit: April 07, 2014, 05:23:08 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline britchick

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #40 on: April 08, 2014, 05:53:12 AM »
RobbyR,

Just to let you know that your friends here care for you and want the best for you.

britchickxxx

Offline mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #41 on: April 09, 2014, 04:17:07 PM »
Robby, check in, please.  We are thinking about you.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Joe K

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #42 on: April 10, 2014, 05:20:18 PM »
Robby,

Please let us know how you are doing.  You know we care and we are here for you.

Joe

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #43 on: April 12, 2014, 03:54:51 PM »
I managed to come out of my little down episode. I resisted the urge to self harm & all that jazz. Basically thanks to Xanax for getting me through it. I stopped taking Paxil it's nasty & has made me sick & I think has made me worse. Those anti depressants are poison & that's the last time I'll ever take them, ew. Still haven't gone back on Latuda but at this point I don't even care because it didn't do shit for me either. And this foolish woman at the clinic had the gall to tell ne over the phone the other day when I was in total crisis that "you need to get your meds asap
because you need to stay medicated" her words not mine.
Can you even believe that? I'm not an animal lady, I'm a
human being. So yeah I'm still majorly pissed at her over
that comment. Seriously some people in health care have no business being in it.

I saw my primary care doc yesterday, she reassured me
some, she is one of the few who treats me like a human
being. She suggested I go into therapy again. I didn't like
my last therapist he just sat there & stared at me like some lab rat, & did this fake nodding & shit well I wasn't born yesterday & I could tell he'd have rather been somewhere else. So I have realized that I feel way more comfortable with female doctors than male ones so my primary care doc agreed to set me up with a female therapist. She said this was actually a common request for gay men, to prefer woman docs over men. I've typically felt this way. So we'll see how it goes.

I dunno how I'm feeling now. Basically numb. And pissed off. lVERY pissed off. I am starting to think I may not have bipolar after all but Borderline Personality Disorder because my mood shifts are so rapid & intense. But who knows.

I'm seeing my psych again Tuesday, maybe I'll tell him some of thi shit. I'm just not into spilling my feelings out to people in person, I feel that makes me weak & I have to keep this all in check.

My hiv doc told me I should try Isentress instead of Atripla  due to my last little depressed period if you wanna call it that. But we shall see.

I still need to do a lot before I'll be ready to live a normal life. I've been offered to go to a gay man's group therapy but no way jose am I close to ready for that, to sit there & be judged. I happen to be a gay man who isn't muscular & into sports at all, & I don't strut around pretending to be straight I am what I am. I'm gay & I like shopping, old movies, fashion, & I hate sports but apparently that maes me "femmy". To hell with that this is why I'd rather be by myself.

We shall see what my psych says this week when I see him. At this point I'm wanting to ditch all meds except for my hiv meds & for xanax. Ha.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline zach

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #44 on: April 12, 2014, 04:30:17 PM »
hey robby, good to hear from ya man, seriously

keep it up, and give your doctors advice on a med switch off atripla some real consideration

and do be careful coming off some of those meds without supervision. some meds you have to drop cold, but some (many antidepressants) you have to wean the dosage down on. just take everything slow

but glad you're getting some clear heading perspective on this, big progress

Offline britchick

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #45 on: April 12, 2014, 04:50:59 PM »
RobbyR,

Glad to see you posting back here today.
Good luck on tuesday re your apointment.I had my Psych appt on wednesday and I took my diary
with me, I write my feelings, sleep pattern etc down , just to remind me of whats been happenning.
Also re your meds, be careful , I agree with Zach, you have to taper down the dose gradually, ok.

britchickxx

Offline mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #46 on: April 13, 2014, 07:38:27 AM »

I dunno how I'm feeling now. Basically numb. And pissed off. lVERY pissed off. I am starting to think I may not have bipolar after all but Borderline Personality Disorder because my mood shifts are so rapid & intense. But who knows.

I'm seeing my psych again Tuesday, maybe I'll tell him some of thi shit. I'm just not into spilling my feelings out to people in person, I feel that makes me weak & I have to keep this all in check.

My hiv doc told me I should try Isentress instead of Atripla  due to my last little depressed period if you wanna call it that. But we shall see.

I still need to do a lot before I'll be ready to live a normal life. I've been offered to go to a gay man's group therapy but no way jose am I close to ready for that, to sit there & be judged. I happen to be a gay man who isn't muscular & into sports at all, & I don't strut around pretending to be straight I am what I am. I'm gay & I like shopping, old movies, fashion, & I hate sports but apparently that maes me "femmy". To hell with that this is why I'd rather be by myself.

We shall see what my psych says this week when I see him. At this point I'm wanting to ditch all meds except for my hiv meds & for xanax. Ha.

Hey glad to hear you made it through.  ;D

From a distance, it does seem like therapy is a necessity.  I am sorry your therapist doesn't suit you but, again, from a distance, you don't have the best appreciation for what others are thinking and their motivations. You are pretty clouded by your own paranoia and pre-conceptions.  I highly doubt that most therapists "would rather be elsewhere" when they are doing their jobs.  Cause if so, they would change jobs.  I highly doubt that you would be judged in "gay group therapy" by other gays, there for therapy as well - as to your body type and interests.

This is a recurring theme in your statements.  I am not a psychologist, but it does sound like something called "body dysmorphic disorder" - one's self perception of one's body is out of whack AND one believes that society is perceiving the same thing AND limiting/punishing/rejecting the person because of his/her flawed body. 

So you are limiting yourself, and you also feel that society is limiting you.   

This doesn't mean we all don't get judged a bit, but you give it far too much weight and its hurting your ability to function.

I am posting again because I want to encourage you to tell EVERYTHING to the therapist.  You say you are holding back and frankly, in my opinion, its counterproductive.  In my opinion, you aren't protecting your sanity and dignity, although you think you are. You are probably protecting your misperceptions. Its possible that it is going to be very difficult, well at the same time freeing, to see that your body type, and interests in life, what you call "femmy", are NOT the reasons you are having social and professional difficulty.

I say this as someone who has followed therapy a few times in life and there are often resistances to knocking down one's own misconceptions about the world. 

Please talk frankly to people you meet in any therapeutic setting.

Also if you could feel safer if the gay group therapy is structured and overseen by a professional.  No professional is going to let a people bully you within the group.
« Last Edit: April 13, 2014, 07:53:27 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #47 on: April 13, 2014, 08:13:07 AM »
Also wanted to say, you have some feisty and independent attitude, sometimes. So try to bring this to your therapeutic and medical settings.  Don't be a shrinking violet - tell people how you are feeling and what your expectations and needs are.  Cause the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Just be open to this idea - the "I am what I am" declaration is great but it needs to be founded on an accurate perception of who you and others are.  IMO its possible that chemical imbalances or synapses or whatever, do often prevent you from an accurate perception.  Thats what needs to be tweaked.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #48 on: April 13, 2014, 09:12:46 AM »
Meech you make some interesting points. Not sure if I agree with all of them but I do think my body image is off sometimes. Thanks in large part to constantly being picked on bullied & ridiculed in school even though that was 15-20 years ago it's still raw. I'm not 100% sure I need therapy, but maybe my new therapist will be a better fit. The last one sucked. He was one of those granola eating vacuous bike-riding types who just sat there & stared at me & nodded like I was some lab rat. Plus I don't trust men in that setting it's just awkward I feel better with women doctors. My new therapist is from Argentina I met her once in the hall she seemed pretty neat. And yeah I'm fiesty, so I can hold my own.

I'm still wondering about Borderline Personality Disorder. I really think I have it. I get strong emotions & impulses I can't control & I feel people are constantly hostile & judging me. And in the span of a single day someone's look or remark can send me into deep depression to the point of strongly wanting to self harm. And sometimes I just feel the need to self harm because it just comes up in me.

Other times I fly into rages & little things set me off real easy. I'm very sensitive & if people cross me I will lay into them. It's exhausting but just the way it is. I thought bipolar was much more cyclical, & lasted longer...I do have "up" or manic periods, but mostly my emotions can run from super depressed to super angry within hours or even minutes. Isn't that more borderline? If so, what the hell do I do?

Anyways I'm going to mention some of this to my psych. He mostly likes just throwing meds out so much of this will have to wait until I see my new therapist. Sucks to have noone who can understand this but ah well.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline zach

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #49 on: April 13, 2014, 09:24:23 AM »
stop self diagnosing, that is the wrong way. you'll have yourself convinced you're a mass murderer in a week with thinking like that. you're way off on borderline personality disorder, barking up the wrong tree, in the wrong forest. get yourself to a doctor, both mental and ID, get them talking to each other. be brutally honest with each. let them do their job. you job is to get well.

i am bipolar, go long periods without issues, but when i do struggle with it, i am a rapid cycling

i was thrilled to see you posting again. that says alot about your desire to work this out, without such final and drastic measures. but i think i and others here are very quickly going to start banging that same drum again.

get to a doctor robby. get to a doctor. no matter the inconvenience, stop looking for excuses. its good to have a doctor you like, but you sound like you're friend shopping. they are professionals, they keep their nose in the notebook because they are taking notes as part of their job. let them do their job. give them all the information they can use to do that job better, thats for your benefit man. why only mention some of it to the doctor?! thats counter productive and self defeating.

get to a doctor. 

 


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