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Author Topic: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless  (Read 7013 times)

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Online mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #100 on: April 29, 2014, 05:14:53 PM »
Meech & Jeff thanks for your advice I appreciate it. I am trying to take it slow & day by day so I don't get overwhelmed. I have actually (awhile back) signed up with the vocational rehab office in my town. They do help people with various disabilities, problem is, when it comes to actual placement in a tangible job, they haven't helped much. Part of that is me, I've been way too messed up to hold a job anyway the last few months..I did entertain the idea of going to barber or cosmetology school (which voc rehab would have paid for) but after thinking it over & touring a couple, I kind of doubt I'd be happy in that type of job, where there's constant scrutiny & interaction with people.

I consider myself reasonably bright, I'd be ok with a library job or fiing, or mailroom job to start, problem is those jobs are few & far between. I don't have much to offer on paper either. There is a local flower shop here that I'd love to work at & learn the busines & let some of my creative juices flow, but haven't had the courage to check it out yet.


I def don't want to do manual labor, or customer service. I'm not sure what type of job is for me..with not much work history. Maybe my therapist can help me with this. But I have to get mentally better first before I can think about getting independent.

Good news is I haven't hurt myself lately. I have been trying to focus on wanting to get better & stay strong.

I literally take things day by day. The last few have been so-so & I haven't been manic in awhile & I am not depressed right now.

I will keep you all posted on how it goes with my GP & my new therapist when I finally get to meet her.

Robby that is all well and good. Its good to have long range plans. But that entire post avoids the topic which is you must march into a doctor's office and explain the entire situation and ask for help and treatment. 
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline zach

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #101 on: May 14, 2014, 11:09:37 AM »
anyone heard from robby? been two weeks. last week i sent a pm, but no response. just worried man, drop around say hi or we send ann and joe by to come knocking on your door.

everyone take a moment to imagine ann and joe, smiling, at your door, coming in and stuff

alarming isn't it
« Last Edit: May 14, 2014, 11:15:33 AM by zach »

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #102 on: May 14, 2014, 02:25:34 PM »
Thanks for the message Zach I replied. I'm hanging in there. I got a job supposedly I start in two weeks. Hopefully it will work out. I'm going to see my psychiatrist next week again to talk about meds adjustments. I haven't been depressed any more lately but depression was never a huge deal for me anyway. I'm dealing with some family stuff now that's bullshit but I'm staying strong. I am keeping myself focused on starting my new job and hoping nobody says anything that will set me off. I am realizing that I am my happiest when I am alone, or with very close friends. It's literally a chore for me to have to be around other people or unfamiliar situations and I have a low tolerance for bullshit.

Haven't cut myself lately, had some anxiety recently but I kept it under control. Who are Ann & Joe?

Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline GoForIt

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #103 on: May 14, 2014, 02:47:04 PM »
Who are Ann & Joe?


Moderators of this board who even replied to you in this thread...check the first page.

Congrats on the job.  That was pretty quick to score a job.
08/09/2013   Diagnosed WB positive
08/20/2013   CD4-506(28%)  VL-10,800
09/12/2013   CD4-391(28%)  VL-14,900
09/17/2013   Start ART (Truvada & Tivicay)
10/11/2013   CD4-377(26%)  VL-UD
12/20/2013   CD4-590(??%)  VL-UD
03/18/2014   CD4-660(29%)  VL-UD
07/22/2014   CD4-613(29%)  VL-UD

Offline britchick

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #104 on: May 15, 2014, 04:03:56 AM »
RobbyR,

Good to hear your news.Congratulations on your new job and take it one day at a time.

britchickxx

Online mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #105 on: May 15, 2014, 04:22:39 AM »
Congrats on the job, Robby.  :D
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #106 on: May 25, 2014, 06:12:19 PM »
I'm looking forward to my job just for the ke of having my own money & moving to my own. Hopefully I'll be able to just do my job & leave & no fake gossipy people will try and get up in my face or talk shit about me behind my back. In my experience often it the ones who smile the biggest & act like they're your friend then when your back's tirned the stab you n the back & talk shit about you. So yea I'm going to do this job for the simple reaon of earning a living for myself & that's it, and not dealing with any of those fake two-faced people who try and stir up drama.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #107 on: June 15, 2014, 06:05:01 PM »
Ugh well the new job fell through because they said my skills didn't meet their requirements so here I am back to being a loser without a job again. I'm so sick of this. How do people expect you to develop skils if they ont give you more of a chance? I get that time is money and I dd the best I could and as never late or missed a day but after only two weeks they let me go. I'm being told I'm a loser and a failure again and they're right. I am. I don't even know what to do anymore. The meds work but only somewhat and I still have terrible anxiety and am scared of people. I just want a stable job I an do where the pace I easy and they give me a chance to learn. I'm not stupid. I'm so ashamed of failing again I don't know what to do now. I wish I could ask for a second chance but they said
we won't be needing you anymore. I guess I just didn't have the skils they needed.


So what do I do now? I don't want to start cutting myself again but I can't take anymore heartache and failure. All I want is a job I can do and that I'm given a chance to do and not screw up. I'm such an idiot. My life is crap. I called my therapist but she never answers her phone, and the career services place at my school never helped me. I mean how do you tell people I want to work I'm just petrified due to my anxiety.

I'm tired of the disappointment and of being one to others. I can't do manual labor due to a hernia so I'm limited to desk top or light labor stuff. But there's just none around.and I drive an old piece of shit car so I'm scared to drive too far for fear of breaking down. Sometimes I really just want to die. I know you're going to tell me to be strong but it's hard when you have no hope. Nobody cares or understands this anxiety and mood problems. It's awful. I get sick when I eepeople around me working and suporting themselves. But I can't. I might as well be retarded.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline Jmarksto

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #108 on: June 18, 2014, 01:17:35 AM »
Hey Robby;  I really hear the despair in your post - I also notice that you are on Atripla.  It is well documented that Atripla can exacerbate depression and anxiety issues for people.  Have you spoken with your doc about switching meds?  I know that switching meds isn't going to get you a job...but it could be a start that would make getting a job more comfortable.

JM
03/15/12 Negative
06/15/12 Positive
07/11/12 CD4 790          VL 4,000
08/06/12 CD4 816/38%   VL 49,300
08/20/12 Started Complera
11/06/12 CD4   819/41% VL 38
02/11/13 CD4   935/41% VL UD
06/06/13 CD4   816/41% VL UD
10/28/13 CD4 1131/45%  VL 25
02/25/14 CD4   792/37%  VL UD
07/09/14 CD4 1004/39%   VL UD

Offline tednlou2

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #109 on: June 18, 2014, 01:45:34 AM »
Robby,

Just wanted to give you an interwebs hug.  I'm not great with words, but wanted you to know people listen and care.  I saw this yesterday and didn't post, because I didn't think I could say anything of value or offer some great advice.  Then, I thought I don't need to.  I should let ya know I care about what you're going through and hope for better days ahead. 

Ted

Offline britchick

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #110 on: June 18, 2014, 06:14:43 PM »
RobbyR,

I'm so sorry that this happened, as tednlou2 said we care about you and in Scotland we have a saying" What's for you will no go by you".It means something else will come up and will be right for you.

britchickxx




Offline emeraldize

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #111 on: June 18, 2014, 08:06:11 PM »
Robby

I echo Ted and Britchick's comments.

Please hang in there.

If you can envision doing this, sometimes it's helpful and re-opens doors if you go back to the manager who let you go.

Ask if you could have fifteen minutes of his/her time to meet and get some feedback about what you might have done better.  And that becomes a time to shine again on a couple of levels. You take a bit of control back. They liked you once right? It is also a time to ask if there is any other position coming open or if they have suggestions as to where you might go next.

I suggest this because something similar happened to me. I was hiring and had two fantastic candidates. Finally, had to just eenie meanie my decision.

The young woman I didn't select was encouraged at a family dinner by her father to inquire of me face to face why she did not get the job. We met, I explained the equal talents of both candidates and my difficult choice.

I was so impressed by her bravery, her family support, her pluck--that I took her to a colleague whom I knew was looking for someone. And, she hired her!!!

All that to advise--be brave, creative, and spread the word of your desire to work. The more people know, the more agents you have out there talking on your behalf.

Em
« Last Edit: June 18, 2014, 08:18:26 PM by emeraldize »

Online Jeff G

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #112 on: June 18, 2014, 08:13:20 PM »
I love the advice Em gave you ... its a great way to move past this with valuable information in tow . Best of luck Robby .

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #113 on: June 21, 2014, 05:02:33 PM »
Thanks for the nice words. I asked my doctor about the Atripla but she say it's rhe bets medicine for me. She said give it 6 more months and then see. I asked but that's what she said. I don't think I'd bother asking the supervisor why he let me go basically I can't handle any more pain right now and it wold just make this hurt worse. I tried my best and obviously it wasn't good enough so oh well. I think it was because I just couldn't do the job fat enoug but that's not how I work I like to take my time when I work so I don't make mistakes how are you supposed to do 10 different things at once and do them accurately and make no mistakes I mean damn I'm not a robot. I feel like my skills which are creative and outside the box aren't well suited to cookie cutter jobs but those awful jobs are the only ones available. So I really don't have much hope. My anxiety isn't getting any better either I avoid most situations and I'm so scared of mesing up or making a fool of myself. The Paxil hasn't helped it just makes me feel sick all the time and the Xanax is the only thing that help a little but I don't want to take it too much.

I've never reallly held a job so I'm petrified of failing and of being judged or made fun of because I grew up being bulied constantly and laughed at and beat up so my anxiety is worse. I'm scared someone will mock me or call me queer or something.

How do you overcome terrible anxiety and fear? Will I ever be normal? And I am getting really pissed off at everyone I think they are out to get me and hold me back and I'm tired of it. I don't know what to do but I am supposed to see the new therapist this week she finally answered her phone. So we'll see how it goes I guess. In the meantime my pathetic life continues. It's not fair. And the so called fake friends I used to have totally disappeared when I needed someone so I see how that is. People are full of shit and don't give a shit.


Started Atripla August, 2010.

Online mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #114 on: June 21, 2014, 06:39:33 PM »
Robby how old are you? 

If you have never held job it might be a possibility that you will not get one, at least not a "regular" 9-5 one that you envision.  My observation is that you really find it hard to deal with how you feel about yourself, how you fit in society, and the mood swings, and you put high hopes in the job as some sort of delivery, but your holding a job seems iffy - as you said, you haven't managed to yet.

Sometimes, its not the job that is going to be the cure. You have also been on jags about the quest for love and affection.  Its only human, after all.  But then you experience this as more kicking down, more rejection, misery. 

These ways to deliver you from misery are not working.

Just my opinion but I think you need quite close and continuous mental health treatment and therapy to get some control over your
social paranoia and phobias,
self destructive behaviours,
and if possible, your mood swings. 

Rather than latching onto another plan that is, in some sense, a kind of far-fetched "delivery" from the misery...   


The mental health treatment is probably going to be difficult. I think you should consider in-patient treatment. 

I get the distinct impression that you are quite underserved for mental health, and also, unfortunately, that your mental illness is the kind that further obstructs what mental health treatment is available. Because you play hide and seek with the different therapists, never really laying it all on the table AND pursuing treatment for the long term.   Instead, you are pushed around through different cycles, plans, self-destructive periods, etc.

Also, there is NO way in hell you should be on Atripla.  Again, you are getting some crappy medical opinion there.  And yeah, I'm not a doctor.  But there is something really wrong with that...

I think you need to be sitting in front of mental health professionals and making some concrete plans for ways you can feel better on a daily basis.  It might not be through a job.

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Online mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #115 on: June 21, 2014, 06:54:21 PM »
I live in Switzerland.  I have two friends, and additionally a few acquaintances, who can not work because of their mental conditions. I wouldn't say its exactly mental illness because they have taken the steps to treat the cognitive and social challenges as best as possible.  But one reality is they simply can not work.  Employers don't want them, and they can't manage the work either.   They will probably never work.

Of course this is disappointing but on the other hand, we are all dealt a certain hand of cards and we just have to play with what we have got.  My two friends are not miserable.  They can't hold jobs.

So, one could say, they are living lives that is different from "the norm". There are many other things in life besides a job. 

You should figure out what really is possible and start taking some expert advice about what is possible and not, for you. What is realistic.  Put your energy into setting up a daily life that is as enjoyable and rewarding, as possible, for your time on this earth. That is what we are all doing.  The losers, the winners, everyone.   Try not to think in such dramatic binaries... winner. loser. normal. etc etc etc   We are ALL captive by our mindsets, and you must be wise enough, at this point, to know that you can have a negative, defeatist mindset, and that is the experience such a mindset delivers.  A realistic mindset, which looks for the little things that one CAN enjoy, the little social interactions that ARE pleasant. The delicious fresh fruit of the season. A walk in a pretty park. Having a pet, perhaps.  Doing some volunteer work. Helping out someone. Being generous to a neighbour, or someone in your family.  Books. TV. Music. Jerking off. Sleeping in the sun. Whatever.  We take our little pleasures like this and try to keep the negative shit of life a bit compartmentalised, not let it run over into everything...   

You can easily "be a loser" if you set your mind to it, but you could just decide in your mind, spirit, that you are a life like any other human, who can have a nice day, a nice hour, a nice moment. You can decide to have positive and calm, nurturing experiences in the world.

You don't need a job, money, you don't need a lover, you do this with your own mind and your own will.  Everybody can do it, and if you can get some distance and perspective and professional guidance on your mental illness, you will find a way to do it too.
« Last Edit: June 21, 2014, 07:10:45 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #116 on: June 21, 2014, 09:24:06 PM »
To answer your question I'm 32. I've never had a 9 to 5 job. Partly because I've lived with family all this time partly by choice and partly because I never know any other way. I scared of trying to have a regulr job but I do want one. And btw this will only be the second therapist I've ever seen so I wouldn't say I'm "hopping" therapists. So how the hell am I supposed to earn a living? It's not so much getting a job that worries me, I'm not so bad on interviews believe it or not, it's the actual daily routine of going to work and dealing with unknown people that terrifies me. I think once I got used to it I'd be ok maybe but it's the initial adjustment that scares me.

I'm considering getting a nose job soon hopefully that will help my confidence more. I hate my nose and I ant wait to get a new one. But in the shorter term I know I can't live with family forever nor do I want to. I want to be able to work without anxiety so how do I do it. Am I just supposed to be a loser and live on welfare I don't want to do that. Mabe my new therapist can help me.

I don't have the luxury of just living in the moment I have to get a job because I have to learn how to do for myself.

As far as getting ongoing mental health treatment what do you mean by that I mean I see my psychiatrist every few weeks and he jus gives me more meds and the therapists just sit there and listen and don't offer any advice. I don't know what to do but if I can't get a job and keep it I'll really be hopeless.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Online mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #117 on: June 22, 2014, 04:16:42 AM »
You may need to address your mental health and find ways to deal with your various mental health challenges, in order to be be employable.  I am not a mental health expert as I said. So maybe after some of the challenges are addressed, you could get a job, keep it, and like it.  But in your present state of reality, it seems you cannot.

Anyone of us can wish for things that would make our lives better, but they are, at the end of the day, wishes... 

A nose job has NOTHING to do with your inability to get work, or the social miseries you feel.  You go fishing among these explanations and causes and cures, but they are false leads. Its not about your body. Its not about your looks. Its not about your cruel family, though it doesn't help.  Its not about everyone in the world not liking you, or not wanting to date you or be friends with you, or whatever. 

Its basically about your own mindset. 

No matter what the financial situation is, and what access you have to mental health treatment, in you state, in your country, that is the challenge you must put your time and effort and hopes toward:  getting complete mental health treatment, using what is available to you. 

« Last Edit: June 22, 2014, 04:25:41 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Online mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #118 on: June 22, 2014, 04:20:32 AM »
And yes, about my two friends, they live on disability income from the government. And that does NOT make them losers.  They can't work. Its a social reality, its not a personal failing.  That is the reason governments have such programs.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Jmarksto

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #119 on: June 22, 2014, 10:14:19 PM »
Robby; 

Does your doctor fully understand your social/mental health situation?  The more I read here the more I think it is worth considering switching off Atripla.  Please note that I am not expert on Atripla, but here is a thread that I would recommend reading through:

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=47901.0;all

If there are other members here that have more experience with Atripla and want to chime in either way please do.  I just get the sense that it could be a relatively easy change that could have a fairly significant impact for you.

with compassion,
JM
03/15/12 Negative
06/15/12 Positive
07/11/12 CD4 790          VL 4,000
08/06/12 CD4 816/38%   VL 49,300
08/20/12 Started Complera
11/06/12 CD4   819/41% VL 38
02/11/13 CD4   935/41% VL UD
06/06/13 CD4   816/41% VL UD
10/28/13 CD4 1131/45%  VL 25
02/25/14 CD4   792/37%  VL UD
07/09/14 CD4 1004/39%   VL UD

Offline Jmarksto

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #120 on: June 25, 2014, 09:50:22 AM »
....ok, I am a little behind here, I just saw the OP's other thread regarding Atripla. The consensus is pretty loud and clear...
03/15/12 Negative
06/15/12 Positive
07/11/12 CD4 790          VL 4,000
08/06/12 CD4 816/38%   VL 49,300
08/20/12 Started Complera
11/06/12 CD4   819/41% VL 38
02/11/13 CD4   935/41% VL UD
06/06/13 CD4   816/41% VL UD
10/28/13 CD4 1131/45%  VL 25
02/25/14 CD4   792/37%  VL UD
07/09/14 CD4 1004/39%   VL UD

Online Jeff G

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #121 on: June 25, 2014, 09:55:01 AM »
Hi Robby ... I merged this thread into your old one so that its easier to keep what your dealing with in context .

Offline zach

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #122 on: June 25, 2014, 12:28:11 PM »
a nosejob robby?!?! c'mon man, seriously

you need to be really honest to your medical team, each doctor needs to understand the full picture. your ID and whatever form of mental health care you're getting, they need to be on the same page.

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #123 on: June 25, 2014, 07:57:59 PM »
Meeting my new therapist this week..we'll see how that goes. I think what's pissing me of lately is fake people that act like they care but talk total shit about other people behind their backs which of coure means the do the same about you if you give them half the chance..Ive realized people either really care about you and what your going through, or they don't. People try and get in your face and act like they care but when things get tough they're nowhere to be found. I can't stand twofaced fake backstabbing people. The ones who act like they care basicallly are just fishing for ammunition. Basically only a small handful of people genuinely care about you if that many..If you don't like me fine don't deal with me but don't insult my intelligence and be fake and try and fish for information and then use it against me. This has happened.

So if I get this new job I recently interviewed for, I'm definitely not going to bother with all the fake bullshit..Im just going to work do my thing and leave. People suck.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Online mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #124 on: June 26, 2014, 06:28:30 AM »
Robby nobody likes fakes and backstabbers.
Life is about dealing with all the different people.
Work is VERY much about dealing with people. Most jobs. 
It is what it is Robby, you can't wish it away or hide in cave if you want a life and if you want a job.

The key is learning how to successfully deal with all kinds of people.  And get what you want and or need. 

Some of the obstacles you mention to you having the life you want seem to be false.  I mentioned this  few times.  Really it is about your mindset. 

It is not the awful people in he world or in the workplace. 
Not our looks or style.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Online mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #125 on: June 26, 2014, 06:40:48 AM »
As for people caring for each other and the willingness to help.
Well I think you have some good observations there.

My experience personally and looking around me at others, in these 50 years, is that some people enjoy a pretty caring surrounding, others Ok, others not very much at all.

Its one of the cruelties of humanity.

There have been times in my life I was kicked down and needed more support and care, and sometimes I got a lot, and sometimes not.

Also remember we have personal responsibility and therefore need to care for and help others than ourselves.

I think I learned pretty early I have to care for myself, bottom line.  Its not always easy because precisely the moments when we need the most loving care, our energy is low, so we don't have the energy to love ourselves.  This is the worst of the worst - no tender loving care from our immediates and not enough self love.

Ask you shrink how you can learn to love and care for yourself some more.  And also tell the shrink you want help to successfully manage people so they don't block you getting what you want. So you can enjoy social company a bit more and not have it be such a negative overall experience.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Online mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #126 on: June 26, 2014, 06:48:29 AM »
I was a mess and hopeless, not very functional, one summer a number of years ago, and I found a shrink and said - please, keep me employed while we fix me.  We did it! I didn't know how to fix myself, didn't have the energy, and i didnt have enough support in my life.  So it is what it is.  My shrink doesn't really "care" about me but she professional cares about me because that is her profession.  People do take pride in their jobs.  Including mental health professionals.  Just like doctors and nurses, they are proud to give good care.  Make people better and/or reduce suffering.

Thats why I keep mentioning that it sounds like you need more mental health care then you are getting.  Those are the ones who can give us the knowledge and techniques to manage again.  Also shrinks are especially the ones when there is pharmacology involved.

It would be great if you could have a psychiatrist who also does therapy, not just a prescribing psychiatrist and a different psychologist or therapist for the therapy.  But, take what you can get, dear, and tell everyone of them EVERYTHING..... Don't hold back.

I dunno, but I think.... it might help if you ask them to help you do something specific... First of all, if what you ask for is unrealistic, they will tell you.  Second, these people do like to be flattered, like everyone, that they can be useful. Third, it is getting at behavioural therapy and thats always useful...   So you might ask them to help you to never cut again, or live without suicide ideation.  Or how to accept your body.  whatever.
« Last Edit: June 26, 2014, 06:52:31 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #127 on: June 26, 2014, 03:51:15 PM »
Meech thanks again for your sweet words I feel you do seem to care. I got a bit of good news today I got the new job I intervieed for after I was let go from the last one..Its local so it I'll be less stresful in that ay for me. I really hope it works out I'm going to try my best. I like my psychiatrist he and I seem to have developed a rapport since I started seeing him. I told him a lot of my concerns toda during our session and he assured me I can call him anytime I feel I need t. It s ver reassuring I felt he realaly took the time to hear me out.

But one thing really startled me. During our session today I was telling him about my ongoing issues with anxiety and he point blnk asked me out of the blue, "have you ever been assaulted"? I was shocked. Why the hell would he ask such an awful thing? He said something about people ho are assaulted who have similar issues as me, but I was really shocked and pissed that he asked such a terrible thing. I told him of course not but why would he ask such a terrible thing? I couldn't listen to that so I told him I'd see him next time. We then made small talk until I left. He wants me to see the new therapist lady. I plan on it. But still confused why he asked that. That's awful.

Again I'm glad I got my new job and look forward to giving it my best and I still like my pschiatrist but he better now ask me such personal ridiculous questions again. It was really weird. Anyway, my week is looking up I got my new job so excited about that.
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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #128 on: June 27, 2014, 11:27:05 AM »
Robby that is a perfectly routine and legitimate question for a psychiatrist to ask a patient. 

I am sorry you were shocked. What is so shocking to you about a mental health professional asking a patient about their private, personal experiences in life? That is what it is all about!

You could really use an adjustment to your understanding about what is involved in mental health care.  These professionals want to, and need to, know everything!  If someone has never been assaulted or attacked, the answer is straight forward no, and move on. If one has been victimised, the shrink should know.

You got to tell your shrink everything. EVERYTHING. Why am I worried that you are holding back, protecting your "idea" of your reputation or whatever.

Your shrinek (psychiatrist), and your therapist, must know about 1) the cutting 2) the multiple suicidal periods, 3) the extreme discontent with your body.   Don't just present yourself as "bi-polar" or whatever.  Lay out the full shebang.   

Congrats on the new job!!!   ;D
« Last Edit: June 27, 2014, 11:30:28 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #129 on: June 28, 2014, 10:38:57 AM »
Thanks I'm looking forward to my new job and trying my best that's all I can do..I just felt my psychiatrist overtepped by asking me such a question. That's too personal and the answer was no so there..Im meeting the new lady therapist this comingweek I had to postpone it a few days due to a flat tire..I guess we'll see how it goes with her. I often tend to do better with women than men, though not always. Time will tell. My last therapist was a joke he just sat there like a fool and asked me condescending questions and didn't even seem interested..He was one of those annoying granola types who seemed more interested in promoting his meditation down my throat than hearing me out.

I've met my new therapist before she helped me once when my care coordinator was absent. She's from Argentina and has a lovely accent and seemed really sweet when I met her before. I'm hoping it works out with her.
« Last Edit: June 28, 2014, 10:42:04 AM by RobbyR »
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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #130 on: June 28, 2014, 10:47:03 AM »
Robby ... Mecch point was spot on . If you cant open up about your personal life then there is little to no point in therapy . You might want to consider what Mecch had to say and realize that the question that doctor asked you was exactly the kind of questions a good doctor would ask . 

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #131 on: June 28, 2014, 01:05:07 PM »
I can so open up I just don't want to be asked such terrible question again especially out of the blue like that. Of course I've never been assaulted I've had a loving home who are wonderful and treat me like royalty. I'll give therapy a try to talk about anxiety issuesI have but I won't discuss such awful other things they don't even pertain to me anyway.
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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #132 on: June 28, 2014, 01:19:07 PM »
I can so open up I just don't want to be asked such terrible question again especially out of the blue like that. Of course I've never been assaulted I've had a loving home who are wonderful and treat me like royalty. I'll give therapy a try to talk about anxiety issuesI have but I won't discuss such awful other things they don't even pertain to me anyway.
Sometimes you have told us that your family is cruel and cold, ridiculing you frequently.
There is no reason to discuss "awful things that don't pertain to you" so if you were not assaulted there is no reason to discuss it.  You simple respond no, and move on.

However your discourse is very inconsistent, Robby.

Robby it is possible that you don't realise that your perception of your situation is not whole, at any one time.  Its only human. 
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #133 on: June 29, 2014, 01:14:18 PM »
So I've been doing some self reflection and decided to post my story as of now and how it relates to my ongoing mental health issues. I'm 32, only child. I have parents who always provided for me and did the best they could. I've always had a turbulent relationship with my mother. We're very close yet we aren't at all. She had me late at age 38 and ever since infancy she's been highly overprotective. I was never allowed to go to parties or social gatherings in high school because "bad things happen there". When I hit puberty I realized I preferred playing with dolls and jewelry to boy stuff and when she caught me it was bad. She would beat me violently and fly into rages. She spit on me and called me slurs. She would accuse me of stealing her jewelry at age 10. If she got the slightest inkling I wa being effeminite, she would berate and tease me. Yet then things would be ok again. And we'd be back to being close.

In my 20s when I knew I was gay and would stay out late and come home late she'd get very violent locking me out of the house, spitting on me, hitting me with brooms, punching me, scratching me, and saying "you queer, only queers are out at night", things like that..or "dont you know where to put your dick"? She would shame me horribly. Yet then things would be okay again as long as I didn't tay out late or do anything to mke her think I was "queer".

I don't get it and never have. She's not overly religious.in fact she makes fun of people like that but she has a violent homophobia like no other. I'm now 32 and getting ready to start a new full time job and she still tries to plan out my life according to what she wants which basically in her mind includes me getting married with a woman of course and moving back to a small hick town where I was born. Well if I have anthing to say about it that won't happen. I've never been truly independent I've always depended on her and my dad due to my anxiety problems and other mental issues. But I'm hoping I can finally start making on my own soon.

She always tells me "if you don't get a wife you won't get any of my stuff" things like that..its always been that way..yet I do love her she's my mother. We're still close.

But recently I'm starting to get these strange fekings around her, like feeling uneasy, repulsed, distant..I don't understand why but I am..I remember as a child she'd sleep with me in the bed until age 6..my dad worked away a lot then and so we were alone together a TON. I don't remember anything bad happening at that early age but could I just be repressing something? I'm confused.

I'm also torn I feel immense loyalty to her still. In spite of everything I know she'd have my back unless god forbid I came out to her.

I'm really confused and don't know what to think.
Just thought I'd share my story at last.
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Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #134 on: June 29, 2014, 01:27:06 PM »
It just doesn't add up to me..my dad overall pretty cool. I've never told him any of this nor have I come out to him but I suspect he wouldn't disown me or berate me if I did in secret..and he was never violent with me but he was gone a lot working so he could suport the family. I love my mom but why is she so violently obsessively homophobic towards me and why is she so obsessed with controlling my sex life? I don't get it. Am I missing something. It's always been this way since puberty with her. She's the youngest of 9 kids and I'm the only child. She is a nice lady in many ways and has always been there for me except in the ways I mentioned. And why am I now beginning to get these strange feelings of repulsion and unease around her? Those just started recently.
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Offline mitch777

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #135 on: June 29, 2014, 02:17:13 PM »
Robby,

I don't pretend to be a psychologist but it seems to me that your feelings of repulsion and unease toward your mother are only natural given the fact that she has abused you your entire life and hates your true sexuality.

Hopefully you have discussed this with your therapist.

Best of luck with your new job!

31 years hiv+ (oct. 2013) with a curtsy.

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #136 on: June 29, 2014, 02:28:15 PM »
Thanks..I love my mother but yet I'm in turmoil. The whole thing doesn't make sense to me. I had a wonderful childhood but yet I didn't. Am I missing somethingn I mean besides her being repulsed by my sexuality? It seems like ever since I hit puberty there's been a resentful violent side to her towards me. I don't get it. Yet we get along great most times
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Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #137 on: June 30, 2014, 11:44:34 AM »
I guess I had hoped I would have gotten more resoonses/advice but I guess m story seems so awful that nobody has any for me. I have alot of anger and resentment I've been told my whole life I'm loved yet I'm not allowed to be loved for being gay which is just as much a part of who I am. I think this is partly the reason I spent my 20s out having random sex with hundreds of random guys looking for some type of validation that I never could get otherise because I never could go and date and have a normal boyfriend to bring home because of my homophobic family. So I went out and met guys secretly and demeaned myself and caught HIV that way. I hate it. And until I can get on my on I'll never meet someone who will love me for me and not just want sex. I've never had a boyfriend who brought me flowers or candy or justhed m hnd and told me he loved me. Never. Part of that is me being scared of that intimacy and part of it is the reality of my situation it's either I keep my sexulity a secret and live a lie but have some security or come out, and be on the street.

Don't get me wrong I love my family and they are always there when I need help and I am grateful I just wish they could love me for ME. Is that so much to ask? Why have I had to spend my life hiding myself because? It's ruined my life.

I have no friends no support. I'm supposed to start the ne job oon so that will give me some measure of freedom but ubtil I can learn the life skills which I've never been taught to live on my own I don't think I'll ever be free.

What should I do? I'm starting therapy again this week that's hard for me too I don't trust anyone especially women. I see all these guys my age who are out living free and accepted, why can't I have that? Why does it have to be a choice between being disowned or being who I am?

Ever since I became an adult all I wanted was to be normal, have a job, keep it, and be able to date and maybe find  boyfriendwho loves me and treats me good and not have to sneak around in dark alleys and online hookup sites in secret because m family won't accept me for me. That's not me. I hope someda my turn will come.



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Online Jeff G

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #138 on: June 30, 2014, 11:55:38 AM »
Hi Robby . I'm sure you will get some more responses to your post ... Sundays and Mondays are always a bit slow .

You are making progress when you talk about your issues and see your therapist . Its clear you are very guarded and have a problem hearing or accepting what you do not want to confront or change . If I could give you one piece of advise it would be to open your mind and give extra weight to whatever your doctor tells you are wants to discuss . It may also help if you find yourself hearing the same advice for many people to not be so quick to dismiss it and change the subject . I think its great how you have opened up on the forum and began to discuss other things that interest you ... so good for you .

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #139 on: June 30, 2014, 12:16:05 PM »
Robby, you reacted violently when the shrink asked you about sexual abuse. You really should tell this story about a lifelong of emotional abuse to your therapist to have some good discussions, about where to go from here. 

First you said a few posts ago, that your up-bringing was quite ideal. In defense of the question about abuse.

"Of course I've never been assaulted I've had a loving home who are wonderful and treat me like royalty."

From what you tell now, it was not very nurturing, at all!!   You got very very very mixed messages and parenting from your mom. 

We can't sugar coat it. You were emotionally abused! I am very sorry to hear it.

Its natural that you want to protect your family, your childhood, your mother, from people who you think might judge, or even misjudge.  Its the shrink and therapist who will help you put all that experience into manageable thoughts and feelings, for yourself. For now, and going forward.  Its pretty essential that you hash this all out with yourself - which is what you can do with a therapist.   Please don't hesitate to share what you bravely shared here, with your therapist(s).

Everyone deserves respect and affirmation - for example its perfectly "normal" and human to bi, gay, lesbian, but unfortunately many people grow up in environments/families/cultures, that are extremely hostile and toxic.  Now that you are an adult you will have to address the mess, pain, and anger that created and find ways to reclaim your dignity for whom you are.
« Last Edit: June 30, 2014, 12:19:27 PM by mecch »
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Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #140 on: June 30, 2014, 01:30:01 PM »
I'm just trying to work through this it's so hard. My home life has been good yet it's been very abusive and how can people say and act like they love ou but yet will NOT accept you for who you are? It wouldn't be as much of an issue if I wasn't still at home. I've never learned the life skills of learning how to live on my own ever. And my family thinks if someone is on their own and not married to a woman then that means they are queer and therefore should be shunned.

How do I work through this and hash this out? I love my family yet I deserve to be happy too. I can't help being gay.Oh and there's ZERO chance they'd ever accept it that's ben made clear. At least not my immediate family. Not sure about my extended family. We aren't a close family at all. I've grown up being told bad things about most of my extended family..so I've never had the chance to know them..

as long as I'm living at home it's going to be this way. I don't have the slightest idea how to be independent either. I've never been taught those basic life skills. It's like I've been kept isolated.

Now I'm 32 and I know this can't continue because my family is getting older. I love my mother a lot yet I resent her deeply for being so clinging and demanding and dogmatic. I want to be loyal to her. Yet I'm torn up. Just torn up. I feel like I'm on the brink of a breakdown. My whole life is collapsing around me. The prospect of my job coming up is the one thing I feel I can look forward to..Maybe once I start earning income I can get some measure of independence and begin to learn who I am. Because I don't know that right now.
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Offline zach

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #141 on: June 30, 2014, 01:55:27 PM »
head space shift

smoke a joint, or light some incense or something

listen, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qz-sSZ2Gx2w&list=PL5EC3D9D61817C387&index=8

for a few minutes, engage all your senses in something pleasant. create your own reality, make it happy.

ey robby, we love ya buddy. its ok, noboy ever bought me candy and flowers either.

saw your posts, slightly racist jokes (no harm no foul, i don't think any feelings were hurt) saw your other posts, simply didn't or have yet to respond, same with many of the others around here. good stuff on cohen, used to listen to him often. and then sometimes, mecch said it, so why say it again?

thought all that was great progress toward killing this downer of a subject header, you're seeing some humor in life. light

you have any buddhist leanings? dukkha, westerners translate it as all life is suffering, and that is sort of true. thats the simple part to communicate, but what it doesn't get is the happiness that is there too

keep doing everything you're doing. take your meds, you're UD, THATS HOPE! go to work and keep your head down. trust women, their worth it.

and talk to your therapist!!!! so what if he asked if you'd been assaulted. its a standard sort of question, nothing meant by it, no judgement. its obvious that you have some wounds. help the pros help you. tell them about it.

i had a similar issue with a shrink for awhile. kept wanting me to tell him about the monster in my life. finally, i told him, the monster is me, always was. lot worse when i was a kid. took a long time before i came to terms with that. blaming drug addicted parents didn't fly, especially once i had my own monkey. thats me though, when i was in the dark.

do you have any buddhist leanings? the dalai lama wrote a book, the art of happiness. great book man, really helped me. this was before i knew i was positive. this virus, one of the least of my worries. being happy takes a little work, takes being deadicated to changing the way your reaction and view of the world.

i don't really know you, so hesitate to judge. but the read i get, whatever troubles you, it always has man. virus just added to it, and maybe gave you a scapegoat to redirect some of your negative energy onto.

no one, not here, not at work, not at your therapists office, no one has an easy answer to life.

get up tomorrow, go live loud. there will be some happy moments. remember those. but some of the day is always going to suck. let that wash off you

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #142 on: June 30, 2014, 02:35:49 PM »
Thanks for the advice. I'm having a hard time. I wish it was as simple as lighting incense but it's not. I'm struggling with immense rage and resentment. I'm going to try and trust my therapist that's so hard for me. I don't know what's going on with me but I feel my head is going to explode..I don't know anything about Buddhism..The last therapist I saw mentioned that but we didn't click at all he seemed more intersted in talking about his own philosophies than helping me.

Is it normal that I don't want to go to a therapist again? I resent having to. I just want to be normal.

I'm lucky regarding the HIV and being able to be on meds and being undetectable. I'm grateful for that. But I resent having to live my life in secret because people won't accept me for who I am. I mean that's the most basic thing.

The thing is my life pretty much always sucks. Because every day I live knowing noone accepts me for me, a gay male. As if I can help that. And my family who I live with always tell me, get married, get a woman, etc etc...Yea like that's ever going to happen. I mean are they just deluding themselves? I mean I'm 32 it looks like they'd know I'm not straight at this point nor will I ever be. And I can't help it.

I feel immense loyalty to my family but also resentment because of knowing they'll never accept me for me truly.

I'm torn.

As a result of always being criticized growing up, at home, being called faggot, sissie, cocksucker, and then being horribly bullied in school, I don trust people and I don't like myself at all. I am self conscious and I am very paranoid. I refuse to wear shorts or short sleeves because I think people are going to judge me for being skinny.

I know I need help. The meds, well they are only working so much. I'm still in major turmoil and pain. I hope this ends for me someday and I can be normal.
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Online mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #143 on: June 30, 2014, 03:15:42 PM »
I suppose you will have to make peace with contradictory feelings. Its normal to love you mother and yet its also normal to be angry and resentful because she has not nurtured her son and provided more or less unconditional love....
What it is going to take is learning to build your own life on your own terms and basically, you will have to tell her who you are, how you will live, and she cannot change you or influence you with her wishes.  She's deluded. You don't have to be.  Its going to be a balancing act because it very well may be, that she is incapable of helping you become independent because she likes where you are - under her power. Balancing because it might mean you will need to remove yourself from her power to come into your own. 
Don't give up hope about the good that may be possible from your family meaning your mom, but especially maybe you dad, will make their compromises with themselves when you put your foot down and declare who you are, and the ask for the peace and respect you deserve. On the other hand, be realistic and prepare yourself that they may be unable to support and love you. 
This is why for example, therapy is going to be essential. Because the therapy will help you to independently construct your life, and RECONSTRUCT it from the abuse you suffered...  I bet you will find the power and strategy to do so but you'll have to protect your integrity, build your positive core, and remove the negative people. Even if that is your mom. Sh doesn't get to do what she has done forever, the buck stops here, buddy.  Don't let her cray-cray and limitations become your own.  You have the option to build your own life now. Live in reality, the way things are.
« Last Edit: June 30, 2014, 03:23:54 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #144 on: June 30, 2014, 03:33:20 PM »
Well I don't want to force the issue until I can become somewhat self sufficient otherwise I'd be on thestreet with nowhere to go. And I know she needs me but I need to be happy too. But sadly that's the choice. Maybe I can work through some of this with the therapist..But If I told my mom I wa gay she would get very violent and disown me and probably come after me or do something bad. But as long as I continue living the illusion that I'm "normal" she's fine. Maybe when I become self sufficient I can find some middle ground where I can live as myself and for me without rejecting her because I do love her very much. It's just hard for me to figure this out.
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Online Jeff G

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #145 on: June 30, 2014, 03:47:43 PM »
There was a time when I sought my parents approval in all things I did and thought but the day I learned how to stop needing that I began to get better in how I felt about our relationship .

I had to develop trust in how I see myself and stop guessing or trying to see myself as I imagined other people were seeing me . Its liberating when you can let go of what your perceive as other peoples expectation of who you should be and get on being happy with who you are .

Robby ... I think you would be surprised at how many people can see bits and pieces of ourselves in what you deal with .   

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #146 on: June 30, 2014, 04:39:15 PM »
Well my goal is to become self sufficient as best I an and then I won't have to answer to anyone else..thats going to be hard for me because I've never learned how to do hat part of that I think was intentional due to wanting me home al the time so I'm going to have to learn those life skills and it's very scary. I'm thinking about attending a support group in the meantime..thats not reall my thing but I guess it couldn't hurt..Its so hard for me to talk about myself like that in a personal way that's not how I was raised. But I'm thinking about giving it a try..How do I learn and begin how to learn how to be on my own though and support myself? What is the logical progression of that for someone like me who's never had to do that before? How do I begin? Do you think I've made some progress here stating clearly some of my issues?


I still don't want to sever ties with my family because we're close in man ways and they need me but at the same time if they can't accept me as a whole person, then that's really hard for me to wrap my head around. I've  tried to avoid forcing the issue for a long time because I know the pain and conflict it would cause and I'm scared of it but I need to work through this step by step I guess.

do you think I've made some progress, being true about what my issues are though? I hope I've helped someone else along the way or that someone else can relate.

I know in 10 years I'll probably be on my own anyway but I've lived my life for others so long I think it's time I learned how for myself.

If I can get a therapist I can trust that will help..but I'm so scared about this!
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Online mecch

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #147 on: June 30, 2014, 04:54:01 PM »
Yes you become more and more frank with yourself and with us.
I hope you can be more frank with your therapists.
You asked what would be a first step and that is something you can do and soon - tell everything you told us to a therapist.
Also be true to yourself no matter what people say and think around you.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #148 on: June 30, 2014, 04:58:00 PM »
I do see progress Robby . I think if you want to learn to live on your on and are thinking about how to make that happen the best way is to set relistic goals so that you have a solid foundation to go forward from .  Working with and commiting to stick with a good therapist you can trust may be an excellent place to start and you have been working on that already .

I think you will find there is no need to sever ties with your family . I have any friends and family ... lots of family that I do not see eye to eye with on most issues but we still love each other . I call it healthy boundaries when you can agree to disagree and still get along with people .

Its not acceptable to be verbally abused by anyone so I don't blame you for wanting to build a life of your own and remove yourself from that living arrangment  .

Offline RobbyR

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Re: I'm A Complete Mess, Feeling Hopeless
« Reply #149 on: June 30, 2014, 06:26:57 PM »
Well I have learned to shut my emotions and feelings down. Because almost every conversation seems to end up with her telling me "I hate queers" or "I wish they'd to do queers what they did to the Jews" or "why don't you get married cause people will think your queer". Of course I don't dare come out to her because it would get very violent and I'd get beaten or worse. So usually I just try and change the subject. But it's like she always baits me..aking me "dont YOU hate queers"? What am I going to say? Usually I just mumble, "that ha nothing to do with me so why bring it up all the time"? But she says always, well I'm just telling you what everyone else won't say to our face. She thinks because I'm young and unmarried people will obsess over me being queer. I ask, "who's they, these people your so worried about"? And she says everyone.

this is the way it's always been. I tell her I'm planning on supporting myself and getting a job and she says "fine but why don't you get a wife to support you"? "people will think you're a queer if you don't"..

This is what I've heard since I've hit puberty. Constantly. And yet I love her and we get along so long as she thinks I'm "normal". If I ever came out to her oh my god it would be awful she'd probably beat me to death or kill me. So that's not an option uness and until I become self reliant.

Started Atripla August, 2010.

 


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