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Author Topic: OH GOD WHAT DO I DO????  (Read 725 times)

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Offline CancerFreeButNowHIV

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
OH GOD WHAT DO I DO????
« on: September 07, 2014, 02:58:10 AM »
I just DON'T know who to believe any more! If there is a "magic" pill... pls tell me. I have these thoughts running through my head... I would (and so would my family) if I weren't here. I can;t deal... the thought are racing in my mind.... the position in my body... after one shave I make sure I through away my razor, I cut my finger and completely go crazy... people want to help I yell at them to get away, I can do it! Dr. gave me "Stribild" is that the right one for me???? I had the 3 shot series immunization and should never get it and test results show I don't. It consumes me.... I wright out my name I have and I and H in my name.... then I hear HIV screaming at me. I'm scared to look someone in the eye... what if the know? I carry hand sanitizer everywhere, dr. shack my hand and I must pull out to clean my hands... It is all consuming... I get a small paper cut and I freak out! I had my Hep B vac... so why start me on Stribild??? I didn't start... I keep waiting for another call... "oop's sorry, we made a mistake..."

I disclosed to my mom and my aunt... whom I thought I could trust and would be there to help me.... WOW When you are put in a situation like this it tells you who really cared about you. My Aunt put me in a situation and I had to disclose to my uncle... now, she is on vacation with my Dad (who I don't have a close relationship with) now I am forced to tell him.... I would rather die then to ever have my family and my daughter EVER find out.... why can't I just go sleep and never wake up.... my fear I go to hell... then that is where I am suppose to be... my hope is to find piece.... although I don't see it in my future EVER! I am at a lose... I don't trust anyone, not my DR's. case workers, my family.... I just want to go to sleep.

I AM SO F&(^KING SICK OF PEOPLE SAYING YOU CAN HAVE A NORMAL LIFE AS LONG AS YOU TAKE MEDS!

That is NOT normal, strapped to a time bomb to make sure I take my meds on time???? How is that normal????

Never be in a relationship where we can be one and not use protection??? that is not normal.

It is sad.... but I must admit... I don't know if I would ever hire a HIV teacher.

These # F@^#King letters "HIV" are driving me crazy!!! I can't sleep, I know people live long healthy lives with this.... I don't want to. I HATE IT, I HATE MYSELF, I HATE THAT I LEFT USA  TO FIND MYSELF  IN THAILAND AFTER BREAST CANCER, AND I COME HOME TO FIND THIS!!!!

Please.... I am sooooo sick of everyone saying it will get better! I just don't want to hear it again!!!! I am sorry... I want out.... I know it will make it hard on everyone at first... but with time and support and counseling they will be ok. My daught won't even see me or let me see my grand-babies. What to do.... mortified, lost, comfused, embarrassed wishing I was dead!
« Last Edit: September 07, 2014, 03:13:09 AM by CancerFreeButNowHIV »

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,704
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: OH GOD WHAT DO I DO????
« Reply #1 on: September 07, 2014, 04:01:04 AM »
The cold truth is you can have a pretty normal life but you might have only limited power to influence how others perceive you and treat you. 

So, yeah, that can sometimes mean radical reconfiguration of established relationships.
You can certainly continue to have a loving rewarding parental relationship with your child after an HIV diagnosis.  Other people may need to be compartmentalised.

Believe it or not, taking HIV medicine is extremely routine for many people. It all depends on the individual situation and mind-set, of course.

There's no doubt that an HIV diagnosis and then living with HIV can be a life-changing situation. But there is equally no doubt that the new life can be normal.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Jeff G

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  • Member
  • Posts: 11,783
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: OH GOD WHAT DO I DO????
« Reply #2 on: September 07, 2014, 09:12:31 AM »
I'm no doctor but seems like you might have some anxiety issues . Seriously, its just a virus and one that you can live with . Go see your doctor and tell them you are having anxiety and problems accepting your diagnosis ... maybe they can send to someone to talk to and help you sort this out .

Life is good and worth living . Its been lots of ups and downs but if I can live 30 years with this virus you can too because I promise you I am nothing special . There was a generation of men women and children who fought tooth and nail to survive but they did not . Those of us that did survive owe it to their memory to live the best life we can . Its hard for you right now but it will not always be this way so feel free to come here and vent away .

Offline Almost2late

  • Member
  • Posts: 245
  • "My disease stops with me" - Jeff G
Re: OH GOD WHAT DO I DO????
« Reply #3 on: September 08, 2014, 06:39:22 PM »
CancerFree, I'm so sorry your going through this.. please get some help.. I wish I noticed this thread when you first posted.. Maybe the meds don't agree with you and/or you've haven't adjusted to your dx, I know it took me awhile.. One of my kids kinda gave me the cold shoulder in the beginning but it was because my behavior kind of scared him, maybe your daughter needs some time also .. At some point I felt like you do, people here helped me out but most of all "I" had to come to terms with who I am and I am not a disease and neither are you.. Please give yourself a break, you wouldn't feel like this if you had diabetes now would you? So please go see the doctor and tell him what your feeling.. Please post here again and tell us how your doin'.. Praying for you babe and wishing you the very best, Hugs.

Frank   
Atripla, Bactrim, Azithromycin
Date         CD4's          VL
02/14     13  2.79%    228k+
03/14     52       7%       3k-
04/14     not done          2k-
05/14     184     9%       595
06/14     117     8%       235  switched off Atripla
08/14     135    10%      110  stopped Azithromycin
Tivicay, Truvada, Bactrim

“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”
― Dr. Seuss

“Everybody dies … The thing is, to have a life before we die.”
― John Irving, The World According to Garp

Offline initforlife

  • Member
  • Posts: 217
Re: OH GOD WHAT DO I DO????
« Reply #4 on: September 08, 2014, 07:13:41 PM »
Cancer. You are right we can tell you everything is going to be alright. but the truth is until you feel it words mean nothing to you. I will ask you to talk to your Dr right away get something to help you sleep and deal talk to someone. Your kids will come around I told all mine but one and they are all understanding. the only people who haven't been understanding are the people who do not know anything about Hiv and people fear what they don't understand. Hey you beat cancer you can live with hiv we are here for you please come her vent yell scream what ever you need to do .  Your life is worth so much more then this virus. Your family would miss you so much if you were no longer around Hang in there and please . please talk with your Dr and get something to help you now!  I had to. and Im doing much better!
I should have known he was bi

 


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