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Author Topic: Bisexual Guy Loses GF and Life He Knew  (Read 562 times)

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Offline Czarevich

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  • Posts: 4
Bisexual Guy Loses GF and Life He Knew
« on: December 15, 2014, 10:47:04 PM »
Ever since I've been sexually active (about 12 years), I played with both girls and guys. I loved girls emotionally and loved sex with them. Guys were just easy, and could fill a sexual void any day or night. After college, I didn't have a serious girlfriend until a couple years ago. In the interim, I mostky played with guys with an occasional girl mixed in. After I started dating my GF a couple years ago, I'd still play with guys occasionally, but it became much less frequent. For the last year, I only really had eyes for my GF. I decided that sexual orientation didn't matter. What mattered was if you were faithful to that person. I stayed faithful to her. This last August, as chance would have it, I was on my quarterly business trip to Cleveland when I happened to learn the Gay Games were occurring at the same time. For a week, I stayed at my hotel in the suburbs and was a good boy. After my last day of meetings, I decided instead of going home that night that I would get a hotel downtown. I went to a party down there with the intention of having a few drinks and looking at some study men. After a few drinks and questioning why I was there, I proceeded to leave. A guy stopped me on the way out and propositioned me. Sure, just this once...we went to his hotel with his BF. I insisted they use condoms. After a few minutes of me with my face in the pillow, I decided this wasn't feeling good. So, they took me back to my hotel. I felt awful the next day, physically and emotionally. I came home and crawled in bed and told my GF that I just didn't feel good. She was too sweet in response. A couple weeks later, we went to Maui and had the most unbelievable time. I was going to propose to her at Christmas, I decided. I'm done with my slutty behavior, I thought. Two weeks later, I come down with the bad flu feelings. Doc tested me, and I was neg for the flu and mono. Pos for strep. Strep was all. I'd had that a few times, so I'd just take the shot in my ass and go about my day. 3 days later, I was at the ER with a 104 temp and multiple mouth sores. Doc there said it was viral. So, 2 days later with my GF at work, I went to the health department and got tested for HIV. Always tested neg and had tested often, including 6 months prior. This time I was neg again, but still concerned. The nurse told me that the follow up test would be more reliable and to call back in a week for the results. I called back a week later a few times, but no results still. I decided to stop worrying as everything had always been ok after just the rapid test. A week later, I come home and my GF gives me a note she found on our door. It was the Health Dept wanting me to contact them regarding an urgent, confidential health matter. I knew.

Because the Dept was already closed, my GF decided we should go get tested just to rule out everything. She still didn't know about my indiscretion or my tests at the Health Dept. We went to a local clinic and I was called in first. I was shaking. I told the nurse about my symptoms and the note, and he said that sometimes that is the case. He drew the blood and then dropped it in the vial and within a minute showed it to me and said it was reactive. The room started to spin. He said he needed to go get some paper work. Omg. What about my girlfriend? We had sex a lot in Hawaii. Twice since I had been sick. He came back in the room and wanted to talk. I said no. Where's my girlfriend, I asked? She's across the hall and just finished her test. We walk out to the reception and she makes an appt to come back for follow up tests. She asked if I was going to make an appointment. I didn't respond. We exit the building and I asked what her results were. Negative, of course, she says. Why? We're yours not? I said nothing and she freaked. I made her get in the car and I told her I tested positive. The rest of the night was a blur. First stop was to buy a pack of cigarettes. I think I went to 3 buddies' places and told them. She slept in the other room all weekend. we went to the ER the next AM so she could start PEP. They wouldn't give it to her because they thought her risk was not isolated enough. She had sex with me for 2 years, why take drugs just to rule out the last few times we had sex? Doc told her she needed to have a convo with me, however, bc my symptoms were that of ARS, i.e., it was a recent infection. I immediately told her I cheated in Cleveland and told her to make the docs give her the drugs. They finally did. I paid for them. After a few days of awkwardness and a trip for me to a specialist, I finally started to feel a little better emotionally. I knew she and I were most likely over, but we hadn't discussed it. One day, while I was at work, she found my old phone that had some pics of nude guys on it and text messages from before we dated. When I came home that day, she attacked me. Hit me. Threw things. I was frightened. I asked her to leave and to go to a hotel that I paid for for a few days until she could find a new place. 2 days later, all of her stuff was gone. She has remained negative. I was alone in my place and couldn't stand it. I knew I needed a change of scenery. I started meds and tried to get my life back on track, especially at work. Being an attorney and an officer of a large corporation is no easy task. I ended up moving closer to work, which has helped me to not think about her so much. I started meds and feel better mostly, however the first drugs caused wicked side effects and made me question whether I could everpn work anymore because of mentsl impairment. My new meds seem much better, but it's only been a couple days. I really hate my life now. It seems so meaningless. The job I enjoyed and worked hard to succeed and be promoted at, now just seems like the means to an end. Work, pay for drugs, come home and be lonely. I don't know people with this disease. The support groups in this area meet between 12-1 pm (do they not have a job?), are for blacks or are for women. I guess I am just not the right demographic. My therapist doesn't seem to provoke my thinking too much and my parents and friends do not truly understand as much as they may try to sympathize or to analogue to their own battles. All alone am I in this. Who will I love? I went out with the only semiattractive white female on the Poz personals and there was no chemistry at all. What woman without this illness would play Russian roulette with her life just to have sex with me?

I used to be an attractive, fit, highly educated young professional. Now I feel like a sickly, unattractive and lonely man. I tell my story here because in many ways it is different from the others I've read, but in many ways it is exactly the same. I look for a cure. I look for the new normal. I look at everything I've lost. I don't know how to go on.
« Last Edit: December 15, 2014, 11:03:15 PM by Czarevich »

Offline pittman

  • Member
  • Posts: 237
Re: Bisexual Guy Loses GF and Life He Knew
« Reply #1 on: December 16, 2014, 12:02:34 AM »
Rough couple months for you here. While I am sure you feel alone, you are not so unique as you might imagine.

I see you also posted about some side effects, which you should be able to get under control with you r doctor's help, and your body becoming used to the meds.

As for the emotional impact, that will take some more time. I'll just suggest that you may, eventually, use this as a way to make changes in your life. If you are feeling like the success at work and otherwise is pointless, I would think HIV a is more the symptom than the cause. It just perhaps pushed your life faster to a point that it came to a head.

Eventually, when you are actually ready, you can probably find a new partner. Yes, your choices may now be limited to those more open to dating someone who is HIV+, but if your goal is a long term relationship, that may become one of the filters that points to the mature type of individual that can help make such a relationship succeed.I seriously doubt that looking for a woman over a man will make too much difference.  It may also mean that being forced to be open about your status and past bisexual experiences makes for a more open/honest relationship anyway.

You are in a tough time now, but if you give it time and some self reflection and work on who you really want to be, you can certainly hope for being with someone, potentially the right someone later on.  The dating/finding part will now be lots more work, but the outcomes can still be just as good.

My spouse is negative and considers my status a nonissue. There many others who found partners while positive, with people of different statuses.

Offline tednlou2

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,083
Re: Bisexual Guy Loses GF and Life He Knew
« Reply #2 on: December 16, 2014, 01:47:14 AM »
I am sorry about your positive result.  I am glad your ex continues to test neg.  That must be a relief.  I can imagine her reaction to learning you've been with guys and also seeing those pics.

I think many feel like life is over, with an HIV diagnosis.  Well, life as we pictured it.  HIV will limit your pool of dates and potential spouse/partner.  But, being bisexual does also.  I wish you the best as you deal with this. 

On the PEP issue-- Did they not want to prescribe it, because it had been more than 72 hours, since she had sex with you?  If you said you hadn't had sex in a week, then I can understand why they didn't.

Take care and keep in touch.


Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,165
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Bisexual Guy Loses GF and Life He Knew
« Reply #3 on: December 16, 2014, 06:08:06 AM »
First - I am sorry you got the butt flu but it is what it is.
Its a shock and your state of shock isn't unusual or better or worse than many other people, hearing this news.
I hope your doctor told you how manageable it is and that you can go about your life as planned (little does he know what a mess your sex life is, however...).
Since you are so successful I am going to assume you can get a good doctor and a good therapist, as well.  If you had side effects, and managed to change, that is proof, that eventually you will find a very minimally noticeable treatment.
Why are you "paying" for drugs?  You need insurance if you are in the USA!  Even a rich guy like you will find an HIV infection presents sticker shock. 
Your employer doesn't offer insurance?  Seems very odd to me.... Very odd. Well since you are an attorney and business officer then buy yourself some Obama care.


Now its certainly hideous that everything blew up for your sexual identity, your relationship because of an STD but you played with fire and got burnt. You are not the first one to blow up a relationship from infidelity, and from infidelity + STD, so you are not alone.

Its not a given that you must give up on your bisexuality because of HIV, by the way. Not that you said it, just maybe you were thinking it.  From a distance I would suggest you have to embrace whatever your orientation is and OPENLY.  Meaning lay it on the line with partners. 

Heteros, bis, and gays - if HIV+, yes we have narrowed our playing field to those willing to play.  There is nothing that you can do about that fact. It sucks for all of us and welcome to the situation. 
When you learn to chill about your own status and not connect it to a judgement or a hideous mark against you, you will be more attractive to the enlightened souls who are willing to fall in love with you because you are not an HIV status you are a person.

You can't really believe there are few "non-black" middle class HIV+ folks around.
If the groups you visited don't suit you, try to mix it up with a middle-class HIV+ gay group if you can find one. They won't bite you.  Or give up on the idea and hang around in this forum. Also since you have the means, get yourself a better therapist.

Having sex with an HIV+ is by no means Russian Roulette for transmission.  Many of us did for years and years with people with AIDS and most of us managed to stay negative. Now with treatment there is no need for an HIV+ person to worry about transmitting, although its only natural that HIV negative people will worry until they are quite educated.

Putting on my kid gloves, I gingerly suggest that potential partners are going to sniff around your sexuality if you are hiding being bi to woman but they know you are HIV+ then they are going to wonder (come on he really might be bi or gay) and if you lie that you are not, they probably should run away from you. Not that you would do that.
The way you describe your sexlife with men doesn't feel authentic to me - an urban Western gay guy - but maybe its what you authentically feel or maybe its your family culture or local culture or whatever.  Just used them for sex release, huh?  Well if you are so attractive and educated, weren't there plenty of WOMEN around who would have been happy to have casual sex?  It seems you are really bi, at least, and also, my opinion is that you are not in touch with your real attractions, desires and needs for men, besides just release....  So you might explore that with your therapist.

Nobody likes to get involved with someone who isn't rather integrated and coherent and honest about their sexuality. I am an outsider and confronted with someone with your MO i would raise some flags.

Finally, its a path to depression, loneliness and unhappiness if your think your solution is a cure. Its not happening in the near future and you should profit from your youth and good job / education and future to have fun and make relationships now.  Also you know very well we cannot recapture the past. You blew up that relationship, its gone. You'll never be HIV neg again.  You lost 2 things but that isn't much in the vast richness that is a life.

Its time to get out of your self-centered and negative perception of things and also to count your blessings.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx


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