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Author Topic: So How's "Life" Now?  (Read 855 times)

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Offline LostChild89

  • Member
  • Posts: 29
  • When I wake up... Everything will be beautiful...
So How's "Life" Now?
« on: March 24, 2014, 02:18:30 AM »
I've been thankin'... I've been thankin'...

Guys,

Now that I'm in the acceptance phase of this beginner's roller-coaster, I have a really real question: What is LIFE like now? More specifically, what is your sex life like now?

I'm just getting to the point where I don't feel contaminated now and since the doctor said I am very healthy to start with, I want to get back to my life and deal with this head on. Not that I'm trying to go be a heaux, but what happens now? Do you disclose early on? Are there certain things I can't do anymore? Are there things that can't be done to me anymore? Can some of you share dating/friendship/relationship "overcoming" stories and how I find the strength to become "sexy" again?

Help me out, newfound family! ;)
Exposure June 2012
1st Poz Test 2/3/14
Diagnosed 2/12/14

3/15/14 CD4 1066 VL 765
6/20/14 CD4 852  VL 15552

Offline Bizkits

  • Member
  • Posts: 105
Re: So How's "Life" Now?
« Reply #1 on: March 24, 2014, 10:06:18 AM »
I completely understand those feelings you've had. I have them too. I'd like to share some of my story with you and possibly shed some light that has helped me. I'm a newbie, diagnosed 3/6/14. My partner has been poz for several years and is of course at a much different stage than I am. Where is that relevant in terms of relationship or sex life? Here is where, and I apologize ahead of time that I am a bit long winded to begin with:

When I met him, he was already in an 11-year relationship. They had an open relationship as they never did anything together, went anywhere, conversed or even had sex. It was their thing...it was stability...What happiness and desire my partner lost in his former relationship was made up for in an abundant and very promiscuous sex life, hence how he became poz. I was somewhat fresh out of a 4-year relationship that was never meant to be in the first place. We both felt unloved, not sexy, had no interest in developing any new relationships and then we found eachother. It was magic; still is. He played the "my hair is thinning, I'm a little overweight, I'm poz, I'm damaged goods" pity card for the longest time and it drove me nuts. I fell in love with him, not his hiv...I didn't care-and I know there are plenty of guys that don't as well. The more our relationship developed, the more someone wanted him for more than just a quick hook up, the less all the other stuff mattered.

The brutal truth about sex? We are a very active couple (on a temporary hiatus at the moment due to my "crossing over", as my partner calls it). I knew my risks and I obviously lost. That being said however, We have never used condoms as he is UD and never had a prob. We played around with other guys, as a couple, a lot (probably still will once I get things under control).  He did not like to disclose in a "meet-at the bar/hook-up" scenario for fear of rejection, so we mostly stuck with other guys we knew that were also poz/UD. We ran into a bit of a jealousy issue one time with one of his "regulars" and that's what made me discuss with him that if we were going to continue doing this, we needed to not be with someone else he had known and been with. He agreed. So, we started the whole disclosure thing if we ran into that scenario and honestly, it wasn't so bad. Actually, we had a lot of "I'd rather be with a poz/UD that knows his status and is on treatment and educated than some buffoon that thinks and says he's neg but hasn't been tested in 8 years". (Which is I'm sure how I became poz). Sure, we had a couple rejections as far as sexually but I don't feel we ever had a downright negative reaction. It surprised him, too. So, now it's really not a big deal. Like anything in the dating and hooking up pool, there will be some ups and downs, just gotta put yourself out there and take a chance...

As far as what your "restrictions" may be, only you know what your sexual proclivities are and what, if anything else (not saying you do) you have besides hiv (hcv, hep, cmv, etc...). It's up to you to not only educate yourself as to what the risk factors may be, but also determine what you need to tell someone when you do decide to take that step. I personally haven't had to disclose to anyone in that regard yet. Only have disclosed so far because they've been very near and dear friends that are also poz and I needed the support. So, I can only share what experience I've had having a poz partner in which together we had to disclose. I'm sure it was a bit different experience for him, though. We of course fully respected anyones wishes and limits that did decide they wanted to play around with us but there were others that also knew their risks and chose to go all the way. We've also made some really great friends, too.

I'm at the stage now where I think I've pretty much past the point of accepting I'm poz but all the other emotions and "what if's" are kicking in. Being a newcomer, it sounds like you're moving along quite well and it's good to hear you're wanting to address very normal feelings and desires. I am right there with you, one step at-a-time. Thank you for sharing. I, for one can say it helps me too just reading that.

-B

Offline zach

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  • Posts: 1,388
  • not fade away
Re: So How's "Life" Now?
« Reply #2 on: March 24, 2014, 12:45:51 PM »
you're asking the right questions, at about the right time, and you're even cracking light hearted jokes about some of it. i'd say you're doing fine.

my disclosure policy. before sex, but i serosort in a way that makes that moot, and to medical professionals (but not every nurse that takes my BP), beyond that... ain't nobodies business, ever

hows life? deep question. it is what it is. how's the alternative? anyone know? until then i'll stick with a known factor.

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,504
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: So How's "Life" Now?
« Reply #3 on: March 24, 2014, 08:22:54 PM »
Are you a guy and are you gay? I ask cause if so I can give some personal experience on the technical aspects of sex life before and after HIV that might be relevant.

Generally I can say this about a few of your points:

feeling sexy again. -  This is just a matter of time and getting your mojo back.  I had bfs and love affairs with HIV+ people when I was negative, and they were sexy, so I didn't feel like a lost cause when I got HIV.

Friends might need to know or not, you get to decide.

Dating - hmmm I dunno. Im 50 -- dates are not what they were when I was in my 20s thats for sure. Are you young?  Do young people date in this day and age? 

Were you a successful dater in the past? If so, you will be successful again when your mojo is back.  Im convinced dating isn't anything different if you are HIV+ or negative - the actually techniques and pleasures and frustrations of it.  I guess one just comes to terms with a reduced dating pool -  but that doesn't mean the pond is completely fish free!

Dating is a skill and it helps to think about it that way.  You have to be considerate and charm the other person, find enjoyment together. It helps to be confident and to be a bit spontaneous and self-deprecating... I really don't see how HIV changes these rules. HIV+ people need to disclose and move onto the main activity, which is charm, seduction, and fun. People reject each other for all kinds or reasons and thats life.  Also, people are shy and protective of aspects of themselves in dates.  But generally its imperative to get disclosure out of the way quickly and confidently. 


 
« Last Edit: March 24, 2014, 08:32:07 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Raf

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  • Posts: 255
  • Bald by choice
Re: So How's "Life" Now?
« Reply #4 on: March 24, 2014, 10:40:38 PM »
There is not an unique answer to that, every answer depends on each of us, and how we handle the sex subject, specially after our diagnoses.

As for me, before the dx, I think I had depression issues, but overall, I was confident and felt good with myself (I even considered myself attractive!). In my case, aids (and shortly my Dx after that) striked me like a meteor, just the year I was planning to coming out as gay to my family (the final months of 2007). After that.... I wondered what's the use of coming out of a closet...just to get to another, or rejected time and time again...so my sex life is just like the north pole, under zero. Maybe my truckload of depression issues (that seemed to get worse and worse after the Dx, and it never stopped until this day) really makes harder to even have a social life today....but well, I better stop here, I'm not the best example to cheer you up.

But there are opposite examples on this forum, people who got their spouses even after their diagnoses, or have an active sexual life. I have pretty much given up, but you don't have to, and please, don't.

Oh and about disclosing, If I ever have sex again, I guess I'll disclose before, so the other person decide by himself.
Dx: 05/14/2008
Latest HIV Meds combo I've been taking:

Kaletra + Combivir (since 05/16/2008 - today)

Offline WindySkies

  • Member
  • Posts: 113
  • Tested + 10/11/12
Re: So How's "Life" Now?
« Reply #5 on: March 26, 2014, 05:30:31 PM »
When it comes to dating and sexual relationships, be prepared to feel very lonely and outcast.

Sure there are some that find love and relationships, but I'm guessing that is a very small portion of the community.  It just seems high here because of the concentration of positive people.

On dating sites and apps you'll get lots of ignored messages, and most of those that do reply will end up blocking you once they figure out what the little + symbol in your profile means.

Here is the 'funny' part about being HIV+, physically the modern medicine will pretty much give you a care free healthy future.  It's the other mental and emotional effects that will impact you the most.  But we're all grown up, so this just helps us to learn to deal with rejection on a more often basis.

Others will chime in and say that if someone rejects you because you are positive then they weren't the one for you, or they are ignorant.  That reads as very comforting, but it does nothing to calm that feeling you get when it happens.
10/11/2012 Journey Started
10/17/2012 First Labs: VL=57,645  CD4+=730  37%
10/31/2012 Started Complera
11/30/2012 Labs: VL=80  CD4+=929 40%
12/24/2012 Started Stribild

Undetectable since 1/15/13 CD4+= Over 1,400 and 49%

Offline BT65

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  • Member
  • Posts: 9,915
Re: So How's "Life" Now?
« Reply #6 on: March 26, 2014, 05:44:58 PM »
I tested positive over 20 years ago and don't feel like an outcast.  I've had a few relationships since testing poz, with both men and women. 

I'm almost 50, so I'm not really out in the dating world like I was when I was younger.  I just left a job as a case manager at an ASO and I can tell you, many of my clients were (and still are, I'm in touch with a lot of them) sexually active and/or in relationships.  So, there is romance and sex after being diagnosed.  Just have patience.

Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline LostChild89

  • Member
  • Posts: 29
  • When I wake up... Everything will be beautiful...
Re: So How's "Life" Now?
« Reply #7 on: March 27, 2014, 12:37:55 AM »
You guys are really insightful. I know some questions are out about me so I'll give you the main stats

24 Gay Black Male in the SOUTH...

I feel a lot better about the dating/sex thing just by reading your comments. I have issues with rejection way before the diagnosis. So maybe this is a good time for me to really see what I want and not look for just whats out there (of course, masterbating will get old soon).
Exposure June 2012
1st Poz Test 2/3/14
Diagnosed 2/12/14

3/15/14 CD4 1066 VL 765
6/20/14 CD4 852  VL 15552

Offline Theyer

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,497
  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: So How's "Life" Now?
« Reply #8 on: March 27, 2014, 03:15:52 AM »
Some how I don,t think one would loose any money by betting on a return off your energies.

Hopefully sometime in the future you will be replying to a similar inquiry using your own history to help .

What really would turn this trauma into a tragedy would be if you suppressed any off your vitality.

Hears to a golden latter 20,s.
m
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

 


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