Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
E-newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr MySpace
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
July 29, 2014, 03:46:23 AM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
  • Total Members: 23065
  • Latest: MikeDH
Stats
  • Total Posts: 632181
  • Total Topics: 47869
  • Online Today: 227
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online
Users: 4
Guests: 173
Total: 177

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: suicide  (Read 3067 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline roel32

  • member
  • Member
  • Posts: 11
suicide
« on: March 24, 2014, 11:29:03 PM »
Hello,
I have been diagnosed with HIV 2 weeks ago. It is such a shock.
I was never the partying guy, very serious, uni graduate, but I had some ongoing psychological problems since childhood which resulted in a depression after graduating 10 years ago. It took me a lot of time to get over that, but some feelings of insecurity and negative self-image kept lingering.
To deal with that stress I turned more and more to sex. Over the last few years this developed into an addiction, as a coping mechanism.
Although I always rationalized my behaviour and I always told myself to stop, I kept continuing. Clearly an addiction.
After my positive hiv test, ironically enough all of that psychological stuff is gone. I can see now there was no reason at all to have a negative self image... But it feels like all of that is too late.
My body and mind are rather weak. After major symptoms of loosing a lot of fat, dry cough, night sweats etc etc I got tested a month ago but was negative. I repeated the test and then it was positive.
I fear that my body is not up to this challenge. I am already very skinny (5'8, 123 pounds, now lost 4 pounds and a lot of fat everywhere...). I read the medication is very heavy and has a lot of side-effects.
Frankly, I am seriously considering suicide, but my partner and parents ask me to continue life.
Best regards,
Roel

Offline AusShep

  • Member
  • Posts: 207
Re: suicide
« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2014, 12:04:11 AM »
Please find someone to talk to or a local hotline to help you deal with these thoughts.

An HIV diagnosis is scary at first, and takes some time to sink in.

You can lead a normal life on medication without any side effects.  Please mention your depression and thoughts to your doctor as well.

Take care of yourself and let us know how you're doing.

Offline Joe K

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 3,495
Re: suicide
« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2014, 12:04:48 AM »
Roel,

I'm sorry to hear that you are poz, but very happy you found your way here.  I have been poz for 30 years and living with HIV today, is very different and the meds are much kinder and most have few side effects.  What is important right now, is for you to believe that living with HIV is much better than being dead.

Right now, you are simply overloaded with the news of being poz and that is perfectly normal.  Becoming poz is one of the greatest challenges we will ever face and luckily you have a supportive partner and parents.  What you need right now, my friend, is to just give it some time and to feel whatever it is you feel, without the need to do anything about any of it.

Emotions are neither good nor bad, they simply are and right now, you are so traumatized that you are not thinking clearly.  Please give it some time and if you feel the walls closing in, please talk with someone, because thoughts of suicide can be very dangerous.

What I would offer you is to be good to yourself and that includes your body, mind and spirit.  Do something you love, everyday, even if only for 15 minutes, to remind yourself that you matter.  It will get better, I promise, but it will take time.  Take it slow, there is no hurry for you to do anything, so just let yourself feel and realize that you have all the time in the world.

Welcome to the forums.

Joe

Offline roel32

  • member
  • Member
  • Posts: 11
Re: suicide
« Reply #3 on: March 25, 2014, 12:32:07 AM »
Dear AusShep and Joe,
Thanks very much for your reply. I am talking daily with my parents and partner(we have been together for 11 years, and he is very sweet and caring). I can only say the same things over and over again: that I wanted to get old together with him, that I'm not up to this,... I am not really panicking, most of the time I am rather quiet, thanks to years of meditation which also healed my depression, but this seems so different, since it is life-long and ultimately fatal.

I have read a lot of info already. The first Google results of normal life expectancy seemed a bit too positive. Other research gives a more balanced view and most people seem to complain of side effects and, when getting older, major health issues.

My main concern is although recently infected I am already experiencing such severe symptoms: lot of fat loss, enlarged liver, some skin lesions, worse oral thrush (had a mild one before already). Moreover I am sensitive to everything that's a side effect of the meds: mentally, sensitive liver, easily diarrhoea, skin eczema and sensitivity. Somehow that does not give a very bright outlook on this, which is why I am considering not continuing at all.

Thank you very much again for your caring support, it seems very difficult to share with other people besides family, I told a so-called close friend but he just ignored me.

Roel

Offline zach

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,241
Re: suicide
« Reply #4 on: March 25, 2014, 01:39:40 AM »
dont do that man, thats what they want. opt out, save them the hassle of dealing with us. and hurry up about it. well fuck that.

only way we win, is if we live, loud and proud. its just a virus

Offline Tony123

  • Member
  • Posts: 33
Re: suicide
« Reply #5 on: March 25, 2014, 05:22:07 AM »
roel32 - I am sorry to hear of your problems. I have been diagnosed for 2 years now and just recently gone on meds. There were initial side effects, but nothing sever - I suppose starting when CD was still fairly high helps. Has your doctor performed other tests etc. Have you started meds? I know you will most likely not feel great for the first 2-3weeks but it gets better and I am sure some or most of your other problems will start resolving themselves as your body fights.
You seem to have a loving partner and family who appear to be supportive. Don't give up on them and your life. I am sure there is a light at the end of the tunnel - even if it seems distant.
Your so-called friend is not a friend if he just ignored you.

Get as much information as you can and support, but don't believe all the stories as some of them can make it sound even more frightening.
I hope that your physical side improves and then you can start working on your mental side.
It is a lot to take in but we are all here for you.

Offline roel32

  • member
  • Member
  • Posts: 11
Re: suicide
« Reply #6 on: March 25, 2014, 05:56:24 AM »
Dear Zach, Thanks for your reply. You seem to have the attitude of a true warrior ;-)


Offline roel32

  • member
  • Member
  • Posts: 11
Re: suicide
« Reply #7 on: March 25, 2014, 06:00:23 AM »
Dear Tony,
Thanks for your positive story, that's what I need right now... A lot sounds very frightening indeed...
I am most scared of all the side effects to an already weak body and the pain involved...
I did not do any additional tests yet, since currently I am staying abroad and medical facilities are not so good here. If I should get the courage to continue this, I would return to Europe in a few weeks and check CD4 and VL there.
My parents and partner are very supportive indeed. Without them, it would have been finished already...
It is nice to get replies here so quickly. I really feel this helps, I would surely need the support of you guys, this is so tough...
Do you think lost weight and fat can be regained? As to what I read, fat loss only gets worse and not better...

Offline Tony123

  • Member
  • Posts: 33
Re: suicide
« Reply #8 on: March 25, 2014, 06:22:20 AM »
You mustn't give up the fight. Are you on meds? If not, it sounds like you should be, considering all the other health problems you are experiencing. You need to try and build up your body's strength - eat properly and do exercise if you can.
My experience was that I had constant heachaches and fever etc - I was subsequently put into hospital and diagnosed with meningitis. I lost weight in hospital but not much because they put me on antibiotics. I have since regained all the weight and a bit more :-) just through normal diet and exercise. Since I started with meds about 3.5 weeks ago, I haven't gained or lost any weight. I did have drowsiness for the first week but this has all but gone. When I wake up I do need to take a piece of chocolate or something just to boost me :-)
I know that some of the side effects are scary and I was scared at first as to what I would experience. I am still concerned regarding long term side effects but I will cross that bridge when I get there.
I would suggest that you need to get onto meds as soon as possible - you may feel like shit for a week or more, but they should help you gain back your body and take control. I believe that you will gain the fat loss if you look after yourself. Are you able to get meds where you are?

Offline roel32

  • member
  • Member
  • Posts: 11
Re: suicide
« Reply #9 on: March 25, 2014, 06:45:28 AM »
Thanks for your reply and encouraging words Tony. Currently not taking meds and difficult where I am now. Don't really have the strength to make the long flight back to Europe already and my insurance would not cover therapy abroad... I'm really not up to this, it's going so fast :-s

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: suicide
« Reply #10 on: March 25, 2014, 06:50:44 AM »
Hi Roel, welcome to the forums.

You said you have not had any additional tests done, but has your positive antibody test been confirmed with a Western Blot test? Or have you only had a positive antibody test result and if so, was it a rapid test?

I'm sorry you've been feeling so crappy. Hang in there.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline roel32

  • member
  • Member
  • Posts: 11
Re: suicide
« Reply #11 on: March 25, 2014, 06:56:15 AM »
Hello Ann, thanks for your message. I only had a positive antibody test. Not yet confirmed by other test.
But I'm sure it is correct, since I have experienced and am experiencing symptoms which cannot be explained by any other cause (other causes like dengue etc have been excluded already): night sweats, swollen glands, fat and weight loss, oral thrush, skin rash,....
Thanks for your concern. I really appreciate the messages I'm getting here, feeling so bad about this whole situation...

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: suicide
« Reply #12 on: March 25, 2014, 07:25:35 AM »
Roel, hiv simply cannot be diagnosed by symptoms. You had an earlier negative antibody test after you had been feeling ill for a while and that was negative. The symptoms you are experiencing are not typical of seroconversion illness, they are things that happen when one has been positive and untreated for quite some time. If you had hiv for quite some time, you would not have had a negative test a month ago.

You need to get confirmation one way or the other ASAP. There are so many other illnesses that could be causing your symptoms and while you've ruled some out, you haven't really ruled hiv IN at this point. One simply cannot be considered to have been diagnosed with hiv until the positive antibody result has been confirmed with further testing, ie Western Blot testing.

The Am I Infected? section of these forums are full of people who were sure they were positive going by symptoms, and it very rarely turns out to be the case.

Also, if you by chance tested with an in-home antibody test kit which you interpret yourself that is of an Asian make (or any in-home test other than Oraquick, which cannot be purchased outside the US), you need to know that they are notorious for producing false positive results.

If you continue to feel suicidal, get yourself to a medical facility and tell them how you're feeling. It would be tragic for you to hurt yourself over a manageable illness, and absolutely even more tragic if you hurt yourself over an illness you turn out to not even have.

Until such time as you have actually had a confirmation of your positive antibody result, I have to ask you to ONLY post in THIS thread. Please do not start posting in other threads or other sections of these forums until you actually know what you are dealing with. Thank you for your cooperation on this, and please understand it is non-negotiable.

Hang in there and get further testing done. Even a place with fairly basic medical facilities should be able to do a WB test for you.

Ann
« Last Edit: March 25, 2014, 07:28:55 AM by Ann »
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Tony123

  • Member
  • Posts: 33
Re: suicide
« Reply #13 on: March 25, 2014, 07:38:15 AM »
Thanks Ann.
roel32 - don't give up. Seek medical help if you can where you are and as Ann says, go for additional tests. There must be a clinic or something that you can go to - even if you do not have enough health insurance.
Stay strong - it may feel like the world is crumblng, but with hope and determination you will succeed.

Offline Bizkits

  • Member
  • Posts: 103
Re: suicide
« Reply #14 on: March 25, 2014, 09:02:02 AM »
Roel32,

   Don't give up and please try to stop panicking. I was diagnosed just 3/6/14. It sucks, it's a shocker, but it's not the end of the world. You are alongside myself and many others who are also newly transitioning to being poz and are feeling very normal emotions and anxiety. You will likely need to go through the grieving process but the sun will come up tomorrow just like it did today. You have also found your way to an amazing forum with lots of great people that are more than happy to talk to you and help you through this difficult transition and far past that too. Don't believe everything you read on the internet as well, not all information is credible. You need to get the facts for yourself from a doctor (mind you every doctor has a slightly different approach but that doesn't mean it's wrong)-start by getting your test confirmed. If you're worried about resources, what can we help you find? Please stay in touch with us, we can all help eachother reguargless of what stage we're in.

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,244
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: suicide
« Reply #15 on: March 25, 2014, 10:08:04 AM »
Hello,
I have been diagnosed with HIV 2 weeks ago. It is such a shock.
I was never the partying guy, very serious, uni graduate, but I had some ongoing psychological problems since childhood which resulted in a depression after graduating 10 years ago. It took me a lot of time to get over that, but some feelings of insecurity and negative self-image kept lingering.
To deal with that stress I turned more and more to sex. Over the last few years this developed into an addiction, as a coping mechanism.
Although I always rationalized my behaviour and I always told myself to stop, I kept continuing. Clearly an addiction.
After my positive hiv test, ironically enough all of that psychological stuff is gone. I can see now there was no reason at all to have a negative self image... But it feels like all of that is too late.
My body and mind are rather weak. After major symptoms of loosing a lot of fat, dry cough, night sweats etc etc I got tested a month ago but was negative. I repeated the test and then it was positive.
I fear that my body is not up to this challenge. I am already very skinny (5'8, 123 pounds, now lost 4 pounds and a lot of fat everywhere...). I read the medication is very heavy and has a lot of side-effects.
Frankly, I am seriously considering suicide, but my partner and parents ask me to continue life.
Best regards,
Roel

May I ask what country you are in?

HIV medicine is not "very heavy".  There are not a lot of side effects.  But, of course, depends on what is available where you will be treated.  No matter what though, it is better than the horrible sicknesses and suffering of untreated HIV leading to death. So, medication.

Second, you are not "too far gone". Not "too late."  Everyone can pretty much count on recovering and certainly you can.  Sounds like you might not have been HIV+ for very long.  And just checking - you have a Western Blot confirmation of your status?

These 2 sentences show how you are not thinking clearly: 
After my positive hiv test, ironically enough all of that psychological stuff is gone. I can see now there was no reason at all to have a negative self image... But it feels like all of that is too late.


Its probably the shock. Listen to and rely on your doctor, your family, your partner.  Get some anti-anxiety pills if you need them in this moment.  Learn about HIV and take an active roll in creating your health again. You'll be able to enjoy your future, now that self doubt and negative self image is "distanced" and you can see it for the unnecessary mindset it was.  Your current crisis is just an other mindset to put off, eventually.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: suicide
« Reply #16 on: March 25, 2014, 10:25:46 AM »

And just checking - you have a Western Blot confirmation of your status?


No, Roel has NOT had WB confirmation.

He also had a negative antibody test result a month ago - it sounds like he's using some sort of in-home, DIY test and if it's anything other than an Oraquick in-home test, then the results are highly suspect. Other DIY tests are very prone to false positive results - we've been dealing with them for years over in AII.

And to make matters worse, even the Oraquick DIY tests can be suspect if they're not being used firmly outside the end of the testing window period. DIY hiv tests are more trouble than they're worth IMO. Self-diagnosis is never a good thing when a serious condition is involved.

He's not in the US and DIY Oraquick is not available outside the US.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline roel32

  • member
  • Member
  • Posts: 11
Re: suicide
« Reply #17 on: March 26, 2014, 01:28:16 AM »
Dear Ann, Tony, Bizkits and Mecch,

Thanks so much for your replies. I surely agree with Bizkits that this forum is amazing. It really helps to get so much feedback from people who are already more experienced with this. Somehow it feels a lot more personal and caring than just reading info on websites...

I am currently in China and went to the local hospital. They did an antibody test, so I did not use a DIY test kit.
Ann, I know my symptoms are not typical for first stage but more for advanced symptomatic stage. That's what made me worrying even more so. I thought it might be progressing more quickly because my immune system is already weakened due to previous depression and chronic fatigue some years ago, from which my body did not fully recover yet. Or maybe it is a more strong strain (I contracted it in the Philippines). Anyhow, I will surely do additional tests, the WB. For now, I was just so overwhelmed I did not return to the hospital yet. But I do not see which other disease or condition it might be, so I'm not really hoping for another result, but you are right it should happen...
I also got tested on hepatitis B but for now negative. But I read it also takes some time to see in the blood. Therefore, I should repeat that test as well, and for hepatititis C too, since I am still having enlarged liver and I just cannot eat a lot of food, I do not even feel attracted to it, especially sugar and sweets and alcohol.

Thanks for your encoraging words too Mecch. With "too late" I meant that it feels a bit ambiguous that I distanced from all my previous problems. It would have been nicer to have done so without having this outcome. But I know one should not compare and say "if this..." etc. It does not help, but it remains so hard to accept. I'm trying hard to continue, getting a lot of support from my parents and partner everyday, but still very difficult to cope with and to accept this virus is in my body. Somehow I wanted to get some hope by reading about cures, but it seems that would still take decades, if they ever find something, although one never knows how science evolves of course, 10 years ago the mere thought of curing would have sounded ridiculous. But it seems a very small ray of hope.   
« Last Edit: March 26, 2014, 01:31:19 AM by roel32 »

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,244
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: suicide
« Reply #18 on: March 26, 2014, 04:21:23 AM »
Go get a confirmation that you are, in fact, HIV+.  And if you are, start to learn how people stay well with HIV where you live.

There is no need for a cure for us people with HIV+ to have hope, and to live well. 

Your perceptions are out of whack with reality, trust me. Information, real medicine for any real problems, and talking this out with people who are not in your dark place, will help you.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: suicide
« Reply #19 on: March 26, 2014, 05:12:36 AM »

But I do not see which other disease or condition it might be, so I'm not really hoping for another result, but you are right it should happen...


Sometimes an underlying and possibly not-yet diagnosed autoimmune condition can cause false positive antibody results, and sometimes they just happen. Pregnancy can also cause them, but that's obviously not a concern for men.

Go back to the hospital where you did your initial test and get that Western Blot test run. You're going to kick yourself if you went through all this and you turn out to be hiv negative.

I'm really am very sorry you're feeling unwell, and I don't want to appear to not care, but there are so many other illnesses and conditions that could be causing your symptoms. Hopefully for you it's not hiv, but there's only one way to find out..... Go get that WB done!
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline roel32

  • member
  • Member
  • Posts: 11
Re: suicide
« Reply #20 on: March 26, 2014, 06:42:08 AM »
Thanks Ann and no worries, I know you do care, I am most grateful for your kind replies, it's what helps me through the day... I will get the additonal test but I would be very surprised if it's something else, since the period matches and considering the amount of symptoms...

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: suicide
« Reply #21 on: March 26, 2014, 07:17:06 AM »
I would be very surprised if it's something else, since the period matches and considering the amount of symptoms...

Go read some threads over in the Am I Infected? section of these forums. It's FULL of people who say they've had lots of symptoms in the "correct" time-frame - and yet test conclusively hiv negative.

Neither symptoms - nor even the lack of symptoms - will ever tell you a single thing about your hiv status. Only the appropriate tests at the appropriate time will. In your case, the appropriate test is a Western Blot, and the appropriate time is NOW. (The appropriate time was actually immediately after you got that positive antibody result!)

Good luck, I've got my fingers crossed for you.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,244
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: suicide
« Reply #22 on: March 26, 2014, 09:04:37 AM »
You can't self diagnose.

Furthermore you can't really know anything about your immune system by "feeling".

Finally, you can't know how it will deal with one or another virus. 

My immune system was a complete failure fighting HIV.  HAART fixed me up again. But I thought - oh, geez, I must have a faulty immune system. Then I got infected with Hep C.  And my immune system completely cleared it in a few short months. Thats not very common.  Thanks genetics.  So, basically. these things are crap shoots! Win some, lose some.   

Don't self diagnose. Don't assume anything. Always go see good doctors and deal with real information.

This applies especially to those of us, like you roel, who may have a tendency to ruminative thinking, to depression or anxiety, and/or to hypochondria.

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline zach

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,241
Re: suicide
« Reply #23 on: March 26, 2014, 10:39:17 AM »
roel, get yourself to a doctor, go through the process, stop obsessing over the internet, this is a bad place to swim around in your anxieties. if you are positive, it needs to be properly diagnosed and confirmed. and for christs sake stop thinking about suicide, thats nonsense. you're gonna live buddy, seriously.

hug it out for a second, feel the love, now get a grip, this isn't easy, you gotta bring the will to live

in case you glossed over the important part GET TO A DOCTOR, no excuses

Offline YellowFever

  • Member
  • Posts: 155
Re: suicide
« Reply #24 on: March 26, 2014, 05:37:03 PM »
I am currently in China and went to the local hospital. They did an antibody test, so I did not use a DIY test kit.

I can only imagine how difficult it is to be HIV+ in China. And like many other Asian countries, prejudice and ignorance continues to drive stigma around this disease. We gossip about people who lose weight as 'suspected to have HIV'. We think they will die in two weeks after getting HIV. All sorts of malicious gossip...

But committing suicide in 2014 because of HIV would be one of the stupidest things to do!

Would you commit suicide if your blood screening show that you have high cholesterol, or diabetes? I bet not. If you had high cholesterol, you would visit your doctor regularly to monitor your condition, take medication if necessary, and try to live a healthy lifestyle. Same with HIV! Now go get that WB done and be proactive about your sexual health from now on. Regardless of whether you are actually HIV+, remember to practice safe sex and get checked regularly.
08/2010 HIV- 08/2012 HIV+
10/2012 CD4 415(15%)
04/2013 CD4 457(15%)
10/2013 CD4 520 (20%) VL 650 (wtf?)
02/2014 CD4 410(20%) VL 390 (yay!)

Offline roel32

  • member
  • Member
  • Posts: 11
Re: suicide
« Reply #25 on: March 27, 2014, 01:03:49 AM »
Dear YellowFever, Thanks for your reply. I am on holiday here, I normally live in Europe. I do not really care about gossip. I know sometimes HIV is compared with diabetes, cholesterol etc. but that seems way too positive if I check real life stories. All those messages about having amost normal life expectancy are just based on models, no one is even taking the medecines that long, and a lot of studies show already that this is too optimistic, and maximum 25 years seems more realistic. In those years one has the burden of a lot of side effects, potential other diseases, higher chances for cancer, lung, liver, kidney problems and so on. To me, that's not really comparable to other chronic conditions...
I talked with a lot of people about this and still find it too hard to deal with.
Yet I will wait definitive results. I cannot accept or forgive my behaviour. Although it was caused by a sex addiction, now it is over a big hangover remains and a feeling why I did not act earlier to get help. I understand the chemistry of any addiction, and a sex addiction is even more difficult since it is not so open like alcohol or drugs, but a strong feeling of own responsability stays, especially toward my loving partner and parents. Although they forgive me, it is much harder to forgive oneself.

Offline Tony123

  • Member
  • Posts: 33
Re: suicide
« Reply #26 on: March 27, 2014, 01:37:37 AM »
Hi roel32. We are all with you and behind you no matter what - Obviously the important thing is to do the tests to see if you HIV or something else. Then you can take it from there. I was and still am a sex addict, but I have accepted my situation. I also have a loving partner who has accepted my faults. I guess there are no certainties in life regarding how long one will live, but if you eat well and exercise and take any necessary medication you should have a long life. Who knows, with the advances made in the last decade, there could well be something that stops HIV in its tracks or even a cure. So don't give up hope. Even if there isn't a cure in the future, enjoy your life now. If you are HIV then take medication to help. There is so much out there that one can do and there is also your family and partner to consider. So many people live for tomorrow, but they could be hit by a bus, die of a heart attack etc - live for today but also look after yourself so that the today's can last forever. Take care

Offline roel32

  • member
  • Member
  • Posts: 11
Re: suicide
« Reply #27 on: March 27, 2014, 03:09:20 AM »
Hello Tony, thanks for your message. The worst thing is to see how this addiction has had a growing impact on my life for the past years. I always realized this impact, I even decided to stop it so many times and to change, but somehow it never happened and I did not even look for any help :-( Now the addiction is completely gone, that's why I can see how deep and radical it was.
I know this can heal over time and I'm sure it would have, but this HIV diagnosis makes it unbearable. A lot of guys here are very courageous in dealing with it, I know they also have ups and downs in that, but overall they have a positive outlook. To me it's just too much. I know an addiction is not one's own responsability and my parents and partner forgave me immediately, but it feels different to myself. To realize the impact of it will continue for the rest of my life with a strong disease is too much (HIV is just not comparable to other so-called chronic conditions, whatever happy news messages may say, reality is just very different for most HIV+). I'm still convinced I will end my life once I get the definitive results.

Offline Tony123

  • Member
  • Posts: 33
Re: suicide
« Reply #28 on: March 27, 2014, 04:13:36 AM »
roel32 - please listen to everyone here. I don't believe suicide is the option. We all have to fight our demons for example sex additiction. I still slip off the band wagon now and again. It may seem like you are in a downward spiral but there is hope. Think of your partner and family. I was initially devastated at first on hearing the results, but also knew that it was through my own doing. My main concern was for my partner (I know that I put him at risk, but the addiction was too strong), but he has stood by me. You also have someone who you love who is standing by you. I never though had any inclination to think of suicide as an option. I am now living life and trying to behave, whilst remaining healthy. HIV is not the end. It may seem that way and if you have it, why let it beat you - you can overcome it. Have you spoken to your partner and family about your concerns and feelings - have your sort professional help? Don't give up hope.

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,244
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: suicide
« Reply #29 on: March 27, 2014, 05:13:13 AM »
and a lot of studies show already that this is too optimistic, and maximum 25 years seems more realistic. In those years one has the burden of a lot of side effects, potential other diseases, higher chances for cancer, lung, liver, kidney problems and so on. To me, that's not really comparable to other chronic conditions...
I talked with a lot of people about this and still find it too hard to deal with.

That is completely false.  Your emotions have overruled your intellect.  You find it too hard to deal with precisely because you've invented a dark and false story.  Maybe besides your partner and family, you need therapy.

I personally don't think we should indulge this fear-mongering any further, as you are not confirmed HIV+.. 

If you are on "holiday", where is the partner, and your family?  In China as well?? 

Go home my dear.   Leave your fantasy world and come back to your feet on the ground in this reality. 

Come back to Europe and stop this madness.

 
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: suicide
« Reply #30 on: March 27, 2014, 07:33:06 AM »
That is completely false.  Your emotions have overruled your intellect.  You find it too hard to deal with precisely because you've invented a dark and false story.  Maybe besides your partner and family, you need therapy.

I personally don't think we should indulge this fear-mongering any further, as you are not confirmed HIV+.. 

If you are on "holiday", where is the partner, and your family?  In China as well?? 

Go home my dear.   Leave your fantasy world and come back to your feet on the ground in this reality. 

Come back to Europe and stop this madness.

 

A+++
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline red_Dragon888

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,811
  • Love and Be Love in Return
Re: suicide
« Reply #31 on: March 27, 2014, 08:10:39 AM »
Hello,
I have been diagnosed with HIV 2 weeks ago. It is such a shock.



I maybe repeating what everyone else is writing, so let me state this as strongly as possible, HIV is not a death sentence and not the end of the world.  Many of us have experience the same mental anguish or pain that you are feeling now.  But I am here to tell you that life is not over and you will find happiness. 

Try going to a group so you won't feel so lonely, or do things that you enjoy so to get your mind, like see a movie, read a good book or play video games... so to continue live like you would normally.  Remember, know that you can find happiness and it will find you. 

When I was told I was POZ I was in shock, with my mind going into dementia as in suddenly everything stopped and I was lost and afraid.  However, when I came back to reality, I held fast that I will fight this HIV and win regardless of what the media or doctors said.  I decided to live on my life as usual and find my happy place. 

I feel you must find your happy place too LIVE, LIVE, LIVE!!!   Sweetheart, Life is a bowl of cherries and you must take time to enjoy every bite.  Again, if you feel alone, use this forum and try groups for there are people who have gone through the same struggles and issues that you are facing and can give you comfort and solace.

Remember, you are not alone and love is there just reach out for it. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

“Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: suicide
« Reply #32 on: March 27, 2014, 10:05:53 AM »

Try going to a group so you won't feel so lonely


Before you try going to a group, try getting your test results confirmed!
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline kevinazus

  • Member
  • Posts: 23
Re: suicide
« Reply #33 on: March 28, 2014, 04:43:35 PM »
Hey Roel, I am newly positive - just diagnosed on February 11. I think I was infected at the end of December (can't be completely sure about that.) Anyway, a few weeks later I got really sick for about a week and lost around 15 or 20 pounds. I did get better after about a week and then went and got tested and got that test confirmed by western blot test. I started taking meds just a little less than three weeks ago.

IF it turns out that you are positive, I just want to reassure you that if you are worried about side effects from meds, you are probably reading old information. From what my doctor and everyone else has told me, the newer meds typically don't have side effects. Since I started taking my meds, I have had ZERO side effects. I can't even tell that I am taking them. I am feeling perfectly healthy again, have started exercising and eating well, and have gained back most of the weight I lost. My doctor has also performed tons of other tests and I have had absolutely no other health problems related to being HIV positive.

If you find out that your are positive, just get yourself to see a doctor, get on meds, and tart start taking care of yourself mentally and physically. Things are not the same as they were even 5 or 10 years ago. Even if you are positive, you have nothing to fear from meds, and no reason not to live a long and healthy life.

Kevin

Offline roel32

  • member
  • Member
  • Posts: 11
Re: suicide
« Reply #34 on: April 03, 2014, 08:32:45 AM »
Dear fellow forum members,
Thanks for your other replies and words of encouragement.
I'm still trying to cope with all of this. It isn't easy, but as I read that has been and is the same for all of us.

Tony, thanks for your heart warming reply, also considering your addiction.
Red Dragon, thanks for the LIVE LIVE LIVE attitude, will try to find the cherries hehe

Kevin, nice to hear you are dealing with it well and that you don't have side effects of the meds. The info I read is about new meds but I know we all react differently. I was concerned about that since on all the possible side effects I'm already very sensitive (bad dreams, depression, fat loss, digestion,...).

Anyway, thanks again for your replies and I do hope you guys are doing fine.
Wish you all the very best and I am most grateful for your honest and kind support during this difficult period.

Offline Jeff G

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 10,810
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: suicide
« Reply #35 on: April 03, 2014, 08:44:17 AM »
Did you get your test confirmed ? I have not found where you have said you have been confirmed HIV positive so correct me if I am wrong . Ann asked you not to post outside of this thread again until you have done so and I see you have posted in another forum today .
« Last Edit: April 03, 2014, 08:59:23 AM by Jeff G »

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: suicide
« Reply #36 on: April 03, 2014, 10:21:37 AM »
Did you get your test confirmed ? I have not found where you have said you have been confirmed HIV positive so correct me if I am wrong . Ann asked you not to post outside of this thread again until you have done so and I see you have posted in another forum today .

I deleted your post outside this thread. When I asked you to not post outside this thread until you had confirmation of your hiv status, I meant it.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.