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Author Topic: I hope this is in the correct forum...  (Read 1123 times)

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Offline idee

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I hope this is in the correct forum...
« on: March 14, 2014, 10:19:20 AM »
I have been overly sensitive. Maybe more vulnerable. My family and I moved to Montana last year. Where we lived with my older half-sister for one month and five days.
My mom, aunt, and older half-sister would haze me growing up. They always used to drink and act as if I was stupid. They even tried telling me how to be a wife and mother. My mom told me to steal my husband's money for her, my sister told me to divorce my husband, my aunt told my husband I am a lazy, disrespectful, and unappreciative person.
I used to put up with people telling me to shut up. I was told to go away and that I was not better than them. I was a little girl. Yet they saw me as some annoyance when they just wanted to drink and talk of sex.
I felt so upset from my sister's actions last year. She hit on my husband so many times, told my daughter not to listen to my husband because he is not her dad, and told my husband that a guy I used to date is not my daughter's dad. My husband and daughter knew these things already.
It went so much further than that. My husband always mentions he does not know why she let us stay there. I do. She wanted the chance to put ideas in my husband's and daughter's heads to do damage.
Last month I stopped talking to my mom, aunt, and sister. My mom called to find out why, but confronting my aunt and sister with how they made me feel will only make them act worse.
Anyways I have been so consumed with how they made me feel I ignored my family's needs for support. I cleaned, cooked, and talked, but they only heard how upset I am. I have been mean.
Last night I broke down crying because no matter what I would not fit in. I realized I do not fit into my aunt and sister's social circle of men, alcohol, and drugs. My mom just wants to be liked as they make fun of her for not finding another man after my dad passed away.
I guess last night I knew from cry-talking to my husband I neglected the people who were important in my life for what other people thought of me. I am not a little girl any more, I do not have to care. Yet I almost made the mistake my mom made with me, I ignored my daughter to try to be friends with family who does not care.
I did not apologize to my daughter as that is easy. I simply told her goodnight and I love you last night. This morning I got up after crying well into the early morning hours and cooked her breakfast from scratch. I told her I love her and to have a good day. I don't want to think an explanation will solve things, so why bother. I will start showing my family I care.
I do still feel vulnerable. I have no friends here, I am HIV positive, and I want to live long enough to see my daughter well into adulthood.
I also tried giving my daughter information overload. To prepare her for a life without me. I need to slow down and enjoy life. I need to realize I am here and I will be here the next day to.
I also received negative remarks from these women about my HIV. When I stopped talking to them I said. "my HIV is manageable, you are not."
I hurt, I cry, and all I wanted was an admission of guilt from them, with a sincere apology. That will never happen.
I seem to feel relief after crying from the pain I have been feeling for almost three months. Why do I care? Because I have always cared.
I need to find my own life.
 

 
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Offline mitch777

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Re: I hope this is in the correct forum...
« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2014, 06:28:43 PM »
idee,

It doesn't sound like a healthy environment for you, your husband, or your child. I don't mean to be harsh but it seems you knew most if not all of this prior to your move and it makes me wonder why you made the choice.

I am certainly not going to play the role of a pop psychologist here but a real one sounds like it may be in order to help you move forward. There's no shame in seeking help.

Wishing you the best for you and your family.
32 years hiv+ (oct. 2013) with a curtsy.

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: I hope this is in the correct forum...
« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2014, 08:56:20 PM »


   First issue would be to get out of their house as quickly as possible.  You don't need someone undermining your relationship with your husband and daughter.  Secondly, I agree with Mitch.  Talk to someone who can help you sort out some of these feelings you have about yourself. 

   As a fellow parent I can relate to overlooking the things that as parents should make us happy-- that being the joys of watching our little ones grow up.  Whether it's not being happy with ourselves, family, or just focusing on the daily complications that life brings we end up missing out on so much that is happening right in front of us. 

 
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline Ann

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Re: I hope this is in the correct forum...
« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2014, 09:21:22 AM »
Idee, it sounds like there are a LOT of unresolved family issues going on here that go way back through the years, long before you even had hiv.

It also sounds like some of your family members are very toxic, but hun, that's NOT your problem. It's theirs. When you said, "my HIV is manageable, you are not." you couldn't have been more correct. But it's NOT your job to "manage" them anyway.

Do you know the Serenity Prayer? It's a real nugget of wisdom and you don't have to be religious to use it as a mantra that will enable you to keep sane when shit like this is going on. You don't have to include the word "god" if that's not your thing.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


You cannot change your relatives' behaviour, or anyone else's behaviour for that matter. You can only change your own.

You would probably benefit greatly from seeing a counsellor to help you sort through your unresolved feelings concerning how you were raised. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family too and I know first-hand how stuff that happened years ago can poison your life in the here-and-now, if you let it. Get some help in letting go of the past, including the recent past, so you can really start looking forward to the future.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Theyer

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Re: I hope this is in the correct forum...
« Reply #4 on: March 15, 2014, 09:56:42 AM »
Idee , theres not much more I can add as the replies have said all I would say, but please find some ongoing counselling help for yourself so that you can continue on this path off being your own person who will not tolerate disrespect .. Much care to you
Michael
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline idee

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Re: I hope this is in the correct forum...
« Reply #5 on: March 16, 2014, 10:48:20 PM »
Idee, it sounds like there are a LOT of unresolved family issues going on here that go way back through the years, long before you even had hiv.

It also sounds like some of your family members are very toxic, but hun, that's NOT your problem. It's theirs. When you said, "my HIV is manageable, you are not." you couldn't have been more correct. But it's NOT your job to "manage" them anyway.

Do you know the Serenity Prayer? It's a real nugget of wisdom and you don't have to be religious to use it as a mantra that will enable you to keep sane when shit like this is going on. You don't have to include the word "god" if that's not your thing.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


You cannot change your relatives' behaviour, or anyone else's behaviour for that matter. You can only change your own.

You would probably benefit greatly from seeing a counsellor to help you sort through your unresolved feelings concerning how you were raised. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family too and I know first-hand how stuff that happened years ago can poison your life in the here-and-now, if you let it. Get some help in letting go of the past, including the recent past, so you can really start looking forward to the future.

Ann
I start seeing someone next week.
Today I did say some things in an attempt to push my husband right to my sister. I even told him to go to her. He would not go and said he'd leave the state since even she would remind him of me. That he'd hate her for breaking us up.
Today I accused my husband of wanting a woman, like my sister, so experienced and better than me, she would be doing some strange things she told him about. My imagination just kept on going. One minute I thought I was a bad woman, the next I felt so inexperienced that I could lose my husband. Normally I am a boring person. I enjoy being home, cooking, and seeing my family happy. Today I made my daughter upset with me. She would not answer her bedroom door after my husband and I made up, she answered for him though. I am not upset with her, I am only disappointed in myself.
Something I need to talk about with the counselor.
I do know the serenity prayer and will think of it. Sorry for saying all this on here.

 
« Last Edit: March 16, 2014, 10:50:35 PM by idee »

Offline idee

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Re: I hope this is in the correct forum...
« Reply #6 on: March 16, 2014, 10:56:50 PM »

   First issue would be to get out of their house as quickly as possible.  You don't need someone undermining your relationship with your husband and daughter.  Secondly, I agree with Mitch.  Talk to someone who can help you sort out some of these feelings you have about yourself. 

   As a fellow parent I can relate to overlooking the things that as parents should make us happy-- that being the joys of watching our little ones grow up.  Whether it's not being happy with ourselves, family, or just focusing on the daily complications that life brings we end up missing out on so much that is happening right in front of us. 

We have been out of the house since last October 18. We just dealt with them telling people in town we are HIV positive. Not something I am comfortable with strangers knowing.
But I guess the main point is I am going to see someone to speak with soon.
I am going to see someone next week.

 

Online Jeff G

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Re: I hope this is in the correct forum...
« Reply #7 on: March 16, 2014, 11:03:05 PM »
Idee, I hope you follow through and get to a better place soon . I think its clear you are in crisis and I'm wondering what meds you are on for HIV and other ones as well that might play a role in your emotional health ?

I commend you for tackling this head on because you deserve much better .

Offline idee

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Re: I hope this is in the correct forum...
« Reply #8 on: March 16, 2014, 11:06:11 PM »
idee,

It doesn't sound like a healthy environment for you, your husband, or your child. I don't mean to be harsh but it seems you knew most if not all of this prior to your move and it makes me wonder why you made the choice.

I am certainly not going to play the role of a pop psychologist here but a real one sounds like it may be in order to help you move forward. There's no shame in seeking help.

Wishing you the best for you and your family.

I stayed with my sister do to a believable conversation with my mom that my sister had changed. After years of not seeing her and hearing she became a CNA, I thought she had cleaned up her life. Not so.
We also moved to Montana to get away from some home invasion issues we had in another state. Along with the media covering the story at the time. Some reporters walked up to our home and knocked on the door to ask for an interview. There is crime everywhere, but we just needed to move.
I don't think you're being harsh, I have an appointment for next week. I made the appointment before reading these replies.



My life isn't usually this weird.

Offline idee

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Re: I hope this is in the correct forum...
« Reply #9 on: March 16, 2014, 11:09:39 PM »
Idee, I hope you follow through and get to a better place soon . I think its clear you are in crisis and I'm wondering what meds you are on for HIV and other ones as well that might play a role in your emotional health ?

I commend you for tackling this head on because you deserve much better .

I have an appointment this coming week with a counselor. I am taking Lexiva, Norvir, and Truvada. I don't take any other meds besides the One a Day Women's gummies vitamins.

Offline Ann

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Re: I hope this is in the correct forum...
« Reply #10 on: March 17, 2014, 08:14:59 AM »
I'm happy to hear you are seeing a counsellor soon. I hope it's a good fit. Remember, if you don't "gel" with this person, you can always try another. Give it more than one session though before you decide whether or not you can work with the person you're seeing.

Good luck!

Hugs,
Ann
xxx
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline idee

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Re: I hope this is in the correct forum...
« Reply #11 on: March 21, 2014, 04:40:44 PM »
I saw a counselor yesterday. She is very nice, and a mother with daughters. That is important to me since I have a teenage daughter and she said she understands that I want my daughter to be strong and intelligent. I told her several of the issues I had with my family from the past as well as now. Which she informed me there are memories of child abuse I am dealing with. I told her I do not want medication, I want to talk about getting over my problems. She agrees and said that medications don't always solve the problems.
I will talk to her again next week on Thursday. So far I think she is a nice person.
I did admit that I have a difficult time when I speak to my daughter as I do not hit her, but then I do not always know what to say either. So that is one thing I am going to work on. Besides that I am going to work on not caring for people who act negative towards me.

Online Jeff G

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Re: I hope this is in the correct forum...
« Reply #12 on: March 21, 2014, 04:53:43 PM »
Hi Idee ... Its good to hear your update that you are making progress . I moved your post about it in to your original thread about the situation so we can keep it all in one place and see how it progresses in one thread . Thanks .

Offline idee

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Re: I hope this is in the correct forum...
« Reply #13 on: March 23, 2014, 07:37:24 PM »
I wrote about my mom, aunt, and older half-sister long enough on here. I thought it was a lose-lose situation! Finally I understand what it is. I am younger and do good in my life, that is for a woman with HIV. I was always told I am not good enough and they doubted I would find a significant other do to my health and would tell me so in mean ways. I have done many impossible things, (according to them), and they try to take credit for it. Yes, they gave me a place to stay while verbally abusing me and attempting to abuse my daughter. Is that really help? Oh... they did get paid rent while I stayed there. They even helped themselves to my wallet one night while I slept.
I guess I learned something new... as I accomplish my goals and talk of a good life they get jealous. I mean in my healthcare book it is written, "You are only as good as your competition." It means to me that my older half-sister should not be trying to challenge me as she is over eleven years older than I am. She cannot compete against women her own age, since all she did was party.
 

Offline Joe K

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Re: I hope this is in the correct forum...
« Reply #14 on: March 23, 2014, 08:03:51 PM »
Idee

I moved your latest post about your situation, into your original thread about the situation.  That way, we can keep it all in one thread and see how it progresses.  If there are any new developments, concerning these issues, please put them in this thread, rather than starting a new thread.

Joe

 


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