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Author Topic: I never thought I could love someone again..but..  (Read 2138 times)

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Offline alone500

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I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« on: March 11, 2014, 07:27:39 PM »
Last year I found out that I was HIV positive. I was in deep depression, I felt alone, and I didn't know what to do. After my first visit I never went back to the doctor almost as if I was in denial. I told myself I could never love someone again, I can never be with anyone and I began to isolate myself from everyone.

At my lowest point, I met a guy. Its funny because before I could never find anyone, but it was when I wasnt looking someone found me. We clicked instantly. Im so crazy about this dude as is he I. However I havent told him that I'm HIV+ and I don't know how too. We decided to get in a relationship and we have been in one for about a month now. Its been a struggle. We kiss, i hold him at night, we get into episodes where we foreplay for hours but as soon as he wants to have sex, I stop him. I've made excuses saying I want things to be special before we do anything, and When he's tried oral sex, I've told him I'm not into it. I don't want to put him at risk, however I am going insane! I'm so paranoid. although we never penetrate. PERIOD! I get paranoid when he is sitting on top of my and I cant see what he is doing back there. One time I've felt him attempting to push it in but i've pulled back. im scared he can get something from just the rubbing etc, What about kissing? I have read mixed things? When ever he gets the slightest head ache or coughs or something My heart jumps out of my stomach cuz I'm afraid he could catch something from me.

Since I've met him I went to the doctor and began medication because I want to protect him but I just dont know what to do. i cry almost every night after I talk to him. How do I tell him? I have went on a google frenzy to make sure that he cant catch it from the dry humping sort of thing but I need affirmation! Can someone share their experiences with me please? Or give me some advice on how to go about this?

Offline eric48

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #1 on: March 11, 2014, 07:47:01 PM »
Have you ever heard about condoms ?
They do a pretty good job  ;)

Meds , then wait for UD , then wait 6 months , then confirm UD
Then re-assess situation

Do you know his status?

Congrats for finding BF
Mobile.eric
NVP/ABC/3TC/... UD; CD4 > 1000; CD4/CD8 ~ 2.0   safety stock : 2 months

Offline alone500

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #2 on: March 11, 2014, 07:55:36 PM »
No I don't but he wants to get tested together. That is my next problem. I have considered that we have intercourse and use a condom but I'm just not comfortable doing it with him without telling him the truth.

Offline Jeff G

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #3 on: March 11, 2014, 08:02:08 PM »
You must tell him the truth in order to move forward because the longer you wait it complicates the situation and will impact his trust and his assessment of your character .

It may be hard but its the right thing to do .

Offline buginme2

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2014, 08:04:12 PM »
You must tell him the truth in order to move forward because the longer you wait it complicates the situation and will impact his trust and his assessment of your character .

It may be hard but its the right thing to do .

You said what I was thinking but you said it so much more politely than I would have, I guess that's why your a moderator.

Offline alone500

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #5 on: March 11, 2014, 08:16:16 PM »
:( I know ..I feel horrible., but its not easy telling someone the first time u meet them, Especially now that I care so much about him. I'm not comfortable with disclosing my status yet...but I want to be I just need advice on how I can approach telling him.

Offline Jeff G

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #6 on: March 11, 2014, 08:25:38 PM »
:( I know ..I feel horrible., but its not easy telling someone the first time u meet them, Especially now that I care so much about him. I'm not comfortable with disclosing my status yet...but I want to be I just need advice on how I can approach telling him.

Don't feel horrible, you are only human . The best way to rip a Band-Aid off is do it quickly and with confidence . If the relationship is meant to be it will survive this so you are going to have simply sit down with him and come out with it . 

If you cant do this then it only means that you have not had time to come to terms with your infection and perhaps dating is something you should do after you are comfortable handling the responsibility's that comes with dating and living with HIV .

Treat him with the same respect and honesty you would want extended to you, he may not want to date you but you will at least have his respect and more importantly your own self respect intact . 

Don't beat yourself up ...just be honest with yourself and then be honest with him about what is right for both of you  .
« Last Edit: March 11, 2014, 08:28:53 PM by Jeff G »

Offline alone500

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #7 on: March 11, 2014, 08:36:41 PM »
Maybe your right I haven't come to terms with it but I Don't wanna let him go either. *Sigh*

Well thank you for the advice. I guess I'll try to tell him soon..

Online tednlou2

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #8 on: March 11, 2014, 11:35:50 PM »
I'm sorry to hear about the situation, but you need to tell him-- like this week. 

I mean, what's the plan?  He, like most, will finally tire of being in a non-sexual relationship.  Something will come to a head soon.  So, it would be better to have the talk and see what happens.  He may be relieved that you aren't dead in bed, and completely understand.  However, he may not feel he can handle a magnetic relationship, even though he was ready to go bareback not knowing your status. 

The longer this goes, the more likely he will feel you were not honest and open with him, and just strung him along so you have a cuddle buddy.  I'm not saying that's the case.  I can only imagine how hard it is to have that talk.  I can see where someone would say I will have the talk tomorrow, then the next day, and then several weeks have gone by, and you feel I have waited so long that he/she will really be upset.

Wishing you all the best and hoping things work out. 

Offline Dan0

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #9 on: March 11, 2014, 11:50:17 PM »
Maybe your right I haven't come to terms with it but I Don't wanna let him go either. *Sigh*

Well thank you for the advice. I guess I'll try to tell him soon..

I mean this with no malice ....but you're 21 and it's time to MAN UP and act responsibly as an adult. It's not high school and chances are this won't be the last time you're in this situation. Imagine if the roles were reversed. Cut the drama, take a deep breath and start the conversation.
« Last Edit: March 12, 2014, 12:03:37 AM by Dan0 »
You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches.

"Honey, you should never ask advice from a drunk drag queen who has a show to do." - JG

06/2002 DX
10/2006 Atripla UD
10/2013 Stribild Still UD

Offline zach

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #10 on: March 12, 2014, 01:43:31 AM »
if you can't tell him, any relationship will only be an illusion. not honesty, no trust. you'll have to put alot of effort into serosorting.

its not easy, and forget all the feel good singing rent songs. odds are high you may be rejected. steel yourself for that.
gonna go up to the mountain, for to find a little peace
looking over the valley, for the beauty i see
out across the hills, forevermore

Offline eric48

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #11 on: March 12, 2014, 04:18:04 AM »
Don 't tell - Don ' t ask
+
Condoms (always !!)
=
Will work

Mobile.eric
NVP/ABC/3TC/... UD; CD4 > 1000; CD4/CD8 ~ 2.0   safety stock : 2 months

Offline zach

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #12 on: March 12, 2014, 07:09:52 AM »
don't tell, condom or not, depending on your location you may be breaking the law and face severe consequences. debate the right or wrong of it all day, but hiv criminalization is a very real thing
gonna go up to the mountain, for to find a little peace
looking over the valley, for the beauty i see
out across the hills, forevermore

Offline mecch

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #13 on: March 12, 2014, 07:18:50 AM »
Last year I found out that I was HIV positive. I was in deep depression, I felt alone, and I didn't know what to do. After my first visit I never went back to the doctor almost as if I was in denial. I told myself I could never love someone again, I can never be with anyone and I began to isolate myself from everyone.

At my lowest point, I met a guy. Its funny because before I could never find anyone, but it was when I wasnt looking someone found me. We clicked instantly. Im so crazy about this dude as is he I. However I havent told him that I'm HIV+ and I don't know how too. We decided to get in a relationship and we have been in one for about a month now. Its been a struggle. We kiss, i hold him at night, we get into episodes where we foreplay for hours but as soon as he wants to have sex, I stop him. I've made excuses saying I want things to be special before we do anything, and When he's tried oral sex, I've told him I'm not into it. I don't want to put him at risk, however I am going insane! I'm so paranoid. although we never penetrate. PERIOD! I get paranoid when he is sitting on top of my and I cant see what he is doing back there. One time I've felt him attempting to push it in but i've pulled back. im scared he can get something from just the rubbing etc, What about kissing? I have read mixed things? When ever he gets the slightest head ache or coughs or something My heart jumps out of my stomach cuz I'm afraid he could catch something from me.

Since I've met him I went to the doctor and began medication because I want to protect him but I just dont know what to do. i cry almost every night after I talk to him. How do I tell him? I have went on a google frenzy to make sure that he cant catch it from the dry humping sort of thing but I need affirmation! Can someone share their experiences with me please? Or give me some advice on how to go about this?

You have too much irrational and non-fact based fears of transmission.  You can transmit HIV through unprotected anal sex, top or bottom.  That's it.
You have two basic challenges here.  One is coming to terms with your HIV+ status and knowing how you can and canNOT transmit HIV
The second challenge is disclosure to partners.
Maybe this is too much on your plate at once.

Also - learn the laws in place where you are having sex, about disclosure, not to mention those about HIV transmission. 
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline bocker3

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #14 on: March 12, 2014, 07:55:53 AM »
I think the earlier post about you, perhaps, needing to focus on coming to terms with your new reality vs. pursuing a relationship is spot on.  You need to educate yourself -- else you will be of little use in educating anyone else (boyfriend, family, etc).
The other thing I notice here is that all you talk about is YOU......  YOU don't want to let him go, disclosing is hard on YOU, etc. While all that may well be true, I have not heard you take HIS feelings or HIS needs into account anywhere.  There are TWO PEOPLE in this relationship.  If you are only focusing on your needs and not his, then you aren't really in a relationship at all.

Don 't tell - Don ' t ask
+
Condoms (always !!)
=
Will work

Mobile.eric
some of the most horribly wrong advise I've seen -- if it's being given to someone who wishes to pursue a relationship.  This approach might work for a trick (though, legally problematic), it certainly is NOT how one acts in a relationship.

Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2013 691/31% <20

Offline Dan0

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #15 on: March 12, 2014, 09:33:35 AM »
I'm hoping that you've had the conversation  :)

Reading through the posts, I think you see the general consensus on what your path forward should be and I don't think that you posted on here thinking you were going to get any other type of response. You have known what you need to do - now it's just a matter of putting the metal to the rail and do it.  Be calm, honest and straightforward.  There is no shame in having HIV and that's not how you would wrap up this package. How is he supposed to handle this issue and make a determination if he's watching you explain it to him and you can't handle it yourself?

You're 21 - I get it.  We were all there.  It's bad enough being 21 let alone this burden on you, too.  Think of it this way - take the young man you're with out of the equation.  How you handle this situation now will say volumes about your character and your integrity for years to come. If not for the young man who you are with and the honesty you owe HIM, you need to do this for YOU.

I sincerely hope that things work out in this situation for you and do wish you the best of luck!!
You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches.

"Honey, you should never ask advice from a drunk drag queen who has a show to do." - JG

06/2002 DX
10/2006 Atripla UD
10/2013 Stribild Still UD

Offline eric48

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #16 on: March 12, 2014, 09:35:14 AM »
Don't ask/Don't tell + Condoms DOES work.

There are indeed other ways that may work better, especially in the long term. Yet:
Don't ask/Don't tell + Condoms DOES work.

How do you think we were doing in the '90 ?

It buys you time... Now, with modern potent meds the paradigm may have shifted, but the old trick will still work

Anyways, if a BF is:
A- Gay
B- Live in a large Urban area (Detroit?)
C- willing to have receptive, anal sex with out condoms and with out asking

Do you really think that the chances that a BF is not-POZ is the same than in the general population ?

Don't ask/Don't tell + Condoms DOES work.

There is better than that, IMHO, but until you figure out and cope with a few things, this one will work in the interim.

You can re-assess later on...

One thing you may want to remember, since you're POZ, YOU are at no risk of HIV infection (nor the superinfection, which is technically speaking almost impossible) but still at risk for other STDs

Hope this helps. Eric

« Last Edit: March 12, 2014, 09:37:48 AM by eric48 »
NVP/ABC/3TC/... UD; CD4 > 1000; CD4/CD8 ~ 2.0   safety stock : 2 months

Offline eric48

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #17 on: March 12, 2014, 09:47:04 AM »
No I don't but he wants to get tested together.

Sorry, I may have missed that part... Eric
NVP/ABC/3TC/... UD; CD4 > 1000; CD4/CD8 ~ 2.0   safety stock : 2 months

Offline Jeff G

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #18 on: March 12, 2014, 09:57:55 AM »
Don't ask/Don't tell + Condoms DOES work.

There are indeed other ways that may work better, especially in the long term. Yet:
Don't ask/Don't tell + Condoms DOES work.

How do you think we were doing in the '90 ?

It buys you time... Now, with modern potent meds the paradigm may have shifted, but the old trick will still work

Anyways, if a BF is:
A- Gay
B- Live in a large Urban area (Detroit?)
C- willing to have receptive, anal sex with out condoms and with out asking

Do you really think that the chances that a BF is not-POZ is the same than in the general population ?

Don't ask/Don't tell + Condoms DOES work.

There is better than that, IMHO, but until you figure out and cope with a few things, this one will work in the interim.

You can re-assess later on...

One thing you may want to remember, since you're POZ, YOU are at no risk of HIV infection (nor the superinfection, which is technically speaking almost impossible) but still at risk for other STDs

Hope this helps. Eric



Eric there are no separate rules of decency for gay people . Also ... people become infected with HIV when they assume people are negative or assume that they are not when they are .

Just face the facts ... in a dating situation you must disclose in a timely manner or risk loosing the person when they eventually find out you were not honest from the start .

If you are not comfortable with living with HIV how can you expect your partner to feel any differently . Its important to remember that condoms and undetectable have nothing to do with honesty and trust it takes to build a solid relationship .

If you are looking for loopholes in the rules of ethics you have bigger relationship problems than disclosure .
« Last Edit: March 12, 2014, 10:16:57 AM by Jeff G »

Offline eric48

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #19 on: March 12, 2014, 11:06:02 AM »
Okay, whatever... I do not get it all...

Anyways, lets be practical

these guys are in a room... They have foreplay.

A knows HIS HIV status (+) (*) , the other , B, does not know A's status
B does not know his own (B) status, therefore A does know B's Status

This very close to game theory prisoner's dilemma
(*) he does not know if he is UD, and if he is, he has not been UD for long
Neither knows each other complete STDs status (as far as I understand)

B is very much willing to have insertive anal sex  (as far as I understand)

In this settings, ( EVEN if the is a 'let's talk before ' kind of thing)
How would you rate your recommendation to use condoms :
Please kindly rate from 0 to 10

Let's now, introduce the 'let's talk before ' in the decision tree

A tells B that A is POZ; (A does not know if he is UD, B knows about HIV or not)

case 1: B says see you next time, leaves the room (he is not comfortable)
case 2: B stays in that room, but the intimacy cools down (he is not comfortable)
case 3: B stays in that room and they keep playing (he is comfortable)

How would you rate your recommendation to use condoms :
Please kindly rate from 0 to 10
- for case 3 (immediate play)
- for case 2 (delayed play, if B is willing enough)

Then we can take it from there and be practical about having proactive sex in this situation

Let's take it from there... Which was my first reply to the original post, BTW

Hope this helps

Eric

NVP/ABC/3TC/... UD; CD4 > 1000; CD4/CD8 ~ 2.0   safety stock : 2 months

Offline Jeff G

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #20 on: March 12, 2014, 11:18:23 AM »
How about lets not play games and accept that if you are going to date a person you need to be honest with them . We don't need a diagram or convoluted formula to rationalize the borderline sociopath behavior of withholding the truth from people to get what you need from them .   

Offline eric48

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #21 on: March 12, 2014, 11:26:45 AM »
How about admitting that regardless whether they have this conversation or not, (and B is honnest when saying he does not know his status) the safest route is to use comdoms no matter what (in this context)

Let's be pratical : condoms will have to be used YES or NOT ?

(and if not, please kindly explain why...)

Thanks

Eric

(I am adding: quite sorry for the tone, but, this situation is difficult to sort out)
« Last Edit: March 12, 2014, 11:30:57 AM by eric48 »
NVP/ABC/3TC/... UD; CD4 > 1000; CD4/CD8 ~ 2.0   safety stock : 2 months

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #22 on: March 12, 2014, 11:32:43 AM »
How about lets not play games and accept that if you are going to date a person you need to be honest with them . We don't need a diagram or convoluted formula to rationalize the borderline sociopath behavior of withholding the truth from people to get what you need from them .   

"borderline" is being generous for someone who has indulged in deceit for years.

fyi Eric -- we're not discussing one night stands here where obviously the use of a condom is acceptable (well, for most people) as the only issue is transmission, we are discussing the beginnings of a relationship and you are endorsing (seemingly) that it's acceptable to continue a relationship for years on end without informing your partner of your medical situation -- and mind you, nobody would do this with any other disease whether or not it's contagious or not.

I'm sorry, but you're twisting things to being about simplistic transmission when the issue is more of a healthy, loving relationship. It might be helpful if you'd stop projecting what you do (or don't do in this instance) in your own relationship onto someone new to the board. It's as if you are advocating something that is by all professional accounts acutely mentally unhealthy for the HIV+ patient.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline eric48

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #23 on: March 12, 2014, 12:07:11 PM »
... you are endorsing (seemingly) that it's acceptable to continue a relationship for years ...

This is not correct, I am just saying that regardless they have that conversation or not, they should be using condoms anyway and this until a lot of things get cleared, which may not take years, but, will most likely take a while ...

If that was not politically or ethically correct, then I may have missed something in the role of condoms in (not yet fully established) gay relationships. If reminding people that , in this context, they should be using condoms is wrong, then... what can I say ?

My sole advise, if I may say something, is that they should use condoms (in that context)

While the above is my main and sole recommendation, I admit that for some people, 'honesty' is key to their well being... So be it...

Cheers

Eric



NVP/ABC/3TC/... UD; CD4 > 1000; CD4/CD8 ~ 2.0   safety stock : 2 months

Offline Bizkits

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #24 on: March 12, 2014, 12:34:36 PM »
Although I am a "newbie", I feel I may be able to share a bit of my story with relevance to yours; You see, I found out I was poz just last week. I'm amidst my own struggles at the moment but I've been dealing with hiv for a little over 1.5 years now.

My partner is poz and was when I met him. It was all a horrible misunderstanding-we essentially met at a pool party (that was an all poz pool party). He assumed I was poz because I was there, I assumed he was neg because I didn't ask (nor did I have any idea of the "Status" of the pool party...just that a friend had invited me)and he was all too willing to have bareback sex with me. At the time, he was also in another relationship of 11 years, in which it was more of a formality and they did their own thing (open). He had no plans of leaving his then partner but something casul was allowed...and insued. It wasn't until after the 5th time we had messed around that he figured out I was neg-the way that occured is another story. He immediately came forward and we had "The talk" and I went to get tested..every 3 months after that as well. Even after all that happened, I fell in love with the guy-big time. Turns out he did too. He even left his partner for me. I wasn't expecting to fall in love, but it happened.

Talking about his status and his doctors and his experience has helped our relationship as a whole I fully believe. Like many gay couples, we enjoy an active sex life, too. We never used condoms between us and I never got infected. It wasn't until we started playing around with others together that I really put myself at a much greater risk...and I knew that, as did he. At first we only played around with other poz/UD guys, people we had known for a long time and could trust but that even then started to slip. Now I'm poz. I don't know from who for sure but I'm pretty sure it was from someone who said they were neg but in reality probably hadn't been tested in about 8 years.

Just because of this, I'm not leaving my partner and he's not leaving me. He's the absolute love of my life. Granted things are going to be a little modified from this point forward and it's going to be a difficult adjustment but we're doing what we need to do. Although this is all still very new to me and I'm really not all settled and hunky dorey with it, I know deep down I'll be alright. It's the end to one part of my life and the beginning of a new part.

Point is, please be open and honest. You owe it to him if you sincerely want this relationship to work. And, if he's that in to you, he'll stick around...I'm sure of it. But you have got to be comfortable in your own skin before you can be comfortable with anyone elses-poz or not. You're doing good so far it sounds, it may be time to take the next step. If you aren't ready, though, it may be time to cut him loose too. Try to think of things from his perspective. How do you think he feels when he's rejected or what he may be thinking. Love will find you, I promise...if it can happen to us, it can happen to you. (our best friends are also a "magnetic" couple). It's out there. Best of luck to you.

Offline zach

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #25 on: March 12, 2014, 12:50:03 PM »
eric, whether or not don't ask don't tell works or not ignores the moral question of who makes that decision, the pozzie or the neggie? does the guy you have nameless faceless sex with at a bathhouse deserve any less respect in this sort of scenario as the guy you want a relationship with? of course, the overriding rule is protect yourself, and accept responsibility for your own unsafe behavior. does that absolve deceit?

and being prior service from the era of DADT, that phrase is loaded with stigma. i find it distasteful. i don't think you would touch that phrase if you served in hiding during that time. just my opinion.

edit to add. i cried when don't ask don't tell was abolished. i finally started to feel proud of this mans army. i don't just find it distasteful, i was trying to be polite and diplomatic. it is poison on my tongue. the few minutes thinking about those years of service, brought back alot of pain and anger.
« Last Edit: March 12, 2014, 01:19:48 PM by zach »
gonna go up to the mountain, for to find a little peace
looking over the valley, for the beauty i see
out across the hills, forevermore

Offline Bizkits

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #26 on: March 12, 2014, 01:32:17 PM »
Zach,

   I hear ya. I served under DADT and went though a whole heap along with many others. Thank you for your service.

Offline eric48

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #27 on: March 12, 2014, 04:10:56 PM »
Well... I enjoy the conversation, but, we are moving away from topic

I admit  have not understood to its full extend alone500' s answer to MY question.

(I misread, I thought, by mistake, forgive your ancestors, pls, that his BF did NOT want to test: if fact HE WANTS to)

@alone500 : please kindly do us a favor tell us ALL the truth...

A - Have you had a HIV/testing related conversation / discussion with John H. ?
Yes/no
B - Are you left (as I am) with the impression that John is Serosorting
Yes/no

@alone500 : Am I correct ? Is John Serosorting?

You do not have to answer, but, on the other hand, you can not expect people to come up with constructive suggestion, if you do not come with the full story

You have had THAT conversation. Am I correct ?

Eric




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Offline Dan0

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #28 on: March 12, 2014, 04:30:39 PM »
He's been on meds for a month - you may as well ask him if he even knows what serostorting is! I know people who have been involved with this for years that have no clue!

Alone - as your name implies you probably are feeling pretty isolated through this but I think most of us understood your concerns and how you conveyed them. This topic has been covered on some other threads when I look back through the forum.  You may try the same - there may be some answers and insights that can give you some additional perspective. Every situation is unique but you're certainly not the first person to go through this. 
You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches.

"Honey, you should never ask advice from a drunk drag queen who has a show to do." - JG

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Offline eric48

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #29 on: March 12, 2014, 04:51:04 PM »
In case Alone does not know about google:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serosorting

and then, he knows... about serosorting

Eric
NVP/ABC/3TC/... UD; CD4 > 1000; CD4/CD8 ~ 2.0   safety stock : 2 months

Offline alone500

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #30 on: March 12, 2014, 05:05:44 PM »
To clear things up we never had an HIV conversation. Recently we were laying down having casual conversation about past relationships and he said "you don't have anything right". I panicked and and Said no which is the worst thing I feel like I could of done. I lied about something huge and I feel like he probably won't trust me anymore but I wasn't sure if I was ready to disclose that with him. How I know that I do what him to know so I can move forwarded. He is not someone I want to just have casual sex with he is someone that I genuinely care for and could see myself with in the long run. Since finding out i cringed at the idea of even speaking to a guy on a sexual level again but hes the first i have been interested in since finding out. Its only been a month and he already has told me that he loves me and no matter what he can't see a reason why he wouldn't want to be with me.

Thank you everyone for the advise reading through these have helped I know I HAVE TOO tell him before it gets any further. Another problem is he lives about 2 hours away from me and has been coming to visit me every weekend since we met. I want to talk about it in person but I don't want to have him travel to me and when I tell him and if its a problem he feels trapped at my house. Should i tell him over Skype so he can opt out of coming if its a problem? Or should i wait until we are face to face?

Offline mecch

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #31 on: March 12, 2014, 05:10:16 PM »
Earth to eric48, wtf are you going on about...  Give the original poster a chance to respond before you go off into orbit.

Alone500 - put one step in front of the other. You are dealing with some heavy changes here -- everything you're feeling seems normal enough. You are young and have a lot of time, I'm sure you will get your sea legs soon enough.  At the moment, it comes down to two things:
1) You are not Typhoid Mary and a simple condom will protect all your partners. And when you are undetectable its sure fire.  You are not a walking virus...
2) A potential, real lover needs to know, sooner or later. Sooner is better. They get to decide what they want.  Its another fact about you. Its not the total you. When I was your age, I rejected potential lovers for all sorts of criteria.  And guys rejected me. Nothing to do with HIV.  People reject each other.  My experience is eventually we all realise love is about the whole person, and the energy, and we take whatever baggage comes along because dearie we ALL have our assorted baggage.  Baggage is just one thing, all the fabulousness of the lover is also taken into account in the deal.... If your potential lover thinks that your fabulous humanity is cancelled out by your HIV status, then believe me, you don't need him. And nothing is possible anyway.  Its just the way it is.

« Last Edit: March 12, 2014, 05:12:21 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline eric48

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #32 on: March 12, 2014, 05:47:16 PM »
... he said "you don't have anything right". I panicked and and Said no

First thank YOU for kindly coming back. This forum is a decent place to discuss things. Sometimes you need to make your situation and question real clear otherwise we end up on Mars

You have kindly added 3 post to your original post. 2 of them, answering my (somewhat pushy) questions.
Appreciated. Somehow you are making progress in you search for a smarter strategy.

Boy... Someone would asked me  "you don't have anything?  right" I'd be panicking as well

Not so much for the question itself, but the tone of that question

It's not like, 'hey, you know, HIV is a concern, but, I trust in condoms and people...' kind of things

"you don't have anything?  right" is more intrusive, I'd say

See... I do not know yet what others are going to say about this, but, John IS serosorting
and you ...  panicked. Okay... What is done is done

I did make a mistake . I misread you, as I thought he did not want to test. So the mistake is mine.

But, the "you don't have anything?  right" attitude is John's, not yours, nor the kind of attitude we 'd like

John made it clear that "you don't have anything" is a pre-requisite
You panicked
You lied, so you passed that hurdle

It is easy to understand

Serosorting is not only a personal policy. It is something like a status or gender. You can educate John, but you're most likely starting from way behind

You panicked because you sensed that if you'd said YES at that time, then , well, he'd decamped

What makes you think that if you say YES tomorrow, then , he will not decamp ?

What is you next target in this relationship?
I mean the target for next encounter/week end ?

Forget about that F**g HIV thing, for a while. If it where not for HIV, what would you like to do with John newt time you meet?

Please allow me to be a bit direct: is **ing him something that you would like to do ? Is this something he is looking forward to ?

(Boy! I am going over my own limits here... But why not...)

Eric
NVP/ABC/3TC/... UD; CD4 > 1000; CD4/CD8 ~ 2.0   safety stock : 2 months

Offline AusShep

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #33 on: March 12, 2014, 06:17:05 PM »
Earth to eric48, wtf are you going on about...

Amen to that.

Alone, you know you need to tell him.  It may be easier on both of you over skype right now, given the distance, and it may help keep the emotions in check.  It may or may not work out since you've already betrayed his trust and now outright lied to him.  Just do it soon, I know it's tough, but later just makes you look worse.

Offline bocker3

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #34 on: March 12, 2014, 06:59:33 PM »
Alone --

Please try and ignore the ramblings of Eric -- he seems to be confused as to the importance of trust and honesty in a relationship.

You really must look INWARD here and figure out how you can come to terms with your status.  You simply aren't ready for a relationship with someone else if you are wrestling with your own self-image.  IMO, that is what is happening here -- you are seeing yourself as less than worthy of love, so you are presenting something you assume he wants.  YOU DESERVE MUCH MORE THAN BEING WHAT SOMEONE WANTS!!  You deserve to be loved and accepted for who you are.  This is not to imply that you are HIV -- but you do live with that virus and right now you are letting it control you and your actions.
BTW -- this is not unusual in someone newly infected -- it takes time to come to grips with this and you are doing the right thing by reaching out here and asking questions.  They key is to not only ask, but to listen, hear and start to believe that we are all deserving of love AS WE ARE.

Hugs,
Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2013 691/31% <20

Offline alone500

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #35 on: March 13, 2014, 12:38:00 AM »
I wish I came on here more often prior to this problem. I think if I had I would have came to terms with things a lot better. I have been keeping a lot of this pent up and have had no one really to talk to about this stuff and the relief I feel just expressing this to u guys has made me feel not so alone after all so I just want to say thanks for that.

U guys are definitely right I have not come to terms with my status 100 percent but Im working on it but there were already several issues I had before being diagonosed. I am not gonna go to into to much and bore you guys but some back ground info about me is...I come from a extremely homophobic family, I have always been told im a good looking guy, yet my self esteem has always been extremely low and I blame that on the discomfort I've always felt with being gay. I felt like the world has been on my shoulders. Its funny because when I went to the doctor for my labs, and meds i was fine talking to them about HIV..it wasn't until we brought up my family, and my sexuality that I broke down.

However, since meeting this guy for the first time i feel like I just don't care anymore. We've kissed in public, held hands, done things that last year I could NEVER even fathom as something I could possibly be comfortable with.

So to answer the question as to where I see myself with this guy, The sky is honestly the limit. He is just so perfect, and if I was with this dude constantly it wouldn't be enough. Today we talked about the future, where we see ourselves etc..and it seems that he is interested in being with me for the long hall as I feel the same way. He says all the time that I am romantic, and asks why am I so perfect, And the irony of my HIV status is always in the back of my head. He said it again tonight and I told him im far from that. I asked him what he thinks is something that he could think of that would make him not want to be with me, and he said Nothing. He then returned the question and I also said nothing. Then he said in a joking way..What if I have genital herpes? and i said then we will work through it. I feel like he has an idea that maybe that there is something wrong with me and maybe its his way of telling me that he will accept me?

Offline Jeff G

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #36 on: March 13, 2014, 08:59:35 AM »
Hi Alone . I am really quite impressed with you and you should be really proud of yourself .
It takes some people a long time to get to where you are right now . The fact that you see a problem and are willing to face it head on says volumes about your true character and its looking really good from where I stand .

I can tell from what you shared that you BF cares allot about you and where I cant predict the future I just bet whatever happens and how he reacts will be one of compassion in the end .

You are a breath of fresh air to this forum because so many people come here and ask questions that they are not ready to hear the answer to but you took it all in and took it as constructive advise ... please keep posting and I can promise that you will get the support you need from us while you work though this . 

Offline eric48

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #37 on: March 13, 2014, 11:49:08 AM »
What if I have genital herpes? and i said then we will work through it. I feel like he has an idea that maybe that there is something wrong with me and maybe its his way of telling me that he will accept me?

Okay... This is a question. I guess you posted your question hoping for an answer or a hint.
I would not over interpret that sequence.
John came up with a (minor) STD hint. This lays well enough grounds to justify for the use of condoms next time you meet and stay together.
There is little to add at this time. Go condoms and (excuse the language) enjoy the sexual part of your relationship to the fullest

On the time line, there will be a time when you 'll need to talk HIV
I think you will be more comfortable when your doctor and lab test have confirmed that this initial combo of meds works. In technical terms, when your VL is <50, aka being UD
Once you have your UD badge, you'll feel emotionnally much better ... In the same fashion that starting meds made you feel better.

Is the timing to talk HIV (which you will have to do one way or another) NOW ?
I do not think that there is a matter of life or death in discussing it now.

While we talk, your Viral Load is going down. You will most likely deal better with this entire issue as soon as you get the UD Badge.

Hope this helps

Eric

modified to add: I fail to see something wrong with you (as you wrote)
 
« Last Edit: March 13, 2014, 11:51:38 AM by eric48 »
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Offline Bizkits

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #38 on: March 13, 2014, 12:11:39 PM »
Eric48,

  So, I'm confused. I am a newbie as well and although partnered, there will likely be a time we again decide to "play", so to speak and disclosure will have to be made. Now, my partner seems to have it down as he's been poz for a while, I really don't. I don't know the "etiquette", so to speak nor the legalities. It seems to me that if I were to have sex with anyone from this point forward, using condoms or not, that it would be my obligation to disclose to them my status. How is it okay to not disclose to someone you're going to have sex with because you're using a condom?

Offline eric48

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #39 on: March 13, 2014, 05:07:50 PM »
How is it okay to not disclose to someone you're going to have sex with because you're using a condom?

Opinions may vary on this one...

I am a pro-condom-pro-sex guy, so as long as there is a condom ... But, enough with me, pls. Then my turn to have question:

@Alex : What will you do if John raises the Serosorting question again ? (before the first real sexual situation, of course)

First time, we got you right, you panicked and , ... lied (by omission).
http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Lying_by_omission

But, now, you have discussed things here, so, you know that the question might come back again.
What's the plan?  Eric

modified to add: more addictive than Flappy Birds ;-)
 
« Last Edit: March 13, 2014, 05:14:12 PM by eric48 »
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Offline Jeff G

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #40 on: March 13, 2014, 05:43:18 PM »
Hi Guys ... lets not hijack alones thread any more than we have already . If you wish to discuss disclosure issues other than the issues other than that of the OP go start your own thread .   

Offline alone500

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #41 on: April 08, 2014, 01:21:53 PM »
Hey guys, its been a while. Well I wanted to let you all know how everything went. So I finally go the nerve to come out and tell him. He took it better than I thought. We are still together going strong and things have been almost perfect. Recently we started discussing sex..he wants to start taking this medication callcalled truvada. I don't know much about it and I'm kind of concerned :/ I don't want him to have to take meds everyday like I have too and I feel like its putting a unnecessary burden on his life. What are u alls thoughts? Can someone give me their take on truvada and if its safe for him to take?

Offline AusShep

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #42 on: April 08, 2014, 02:02:11 PM »
Glad to hear you had the talk and things are going well.

Truvada has shown to be safe when used as PrEP (pre exposure profelaxis).  It is a rather contentios topic though.  There are quite a few threads and articles here and on other sites you can read through.  It is important to take it consistently, not just after sex or when you think about it.

Some will argue that with an undetectable viral load monagomous partner and condoms for anal it is totally unnecessary.  You're in a long distance relationship; monagomous can be tough for some even when living together, the reality is people stray sometimes, more so in gay couples in the partner study.  If he feels he should take it, I wouldn't try and talk him out of it, but make sure he's aware of the partner study and is realistic about how transmission occurs, not just scared.




Offline pittman

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Re: I never thought I could love someone again..but..
« Reply #43 on: April 10, 2014, 12:27:39 AM »
Personally, I think taking Truvada for PrEP is very analogous to women taking oral contraceptives.

Neither protect against any other sexually transmitted diseases, but have been shown to be quite effective for their specific intended purpose.

 


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