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Author Topic: Got HIV from my husband !  (Read 3376 times)

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Offline posmarriedgal

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  • Posts: 2
Got HIV from my husband !
« on: February 21, 2014, 03:07:14 PM »
So I have been living with HIV for years now and when I was diagnosed I really didn't believe it was happening to me.  I was married and still am but having a very hard time accepting the fact that I have HIV still.  My husband got very ill about 8 years ago and that is when he found out.  I tested positive and then our daughter was negative.  I went into survival mode thanking god that my daughter didn't have it but hadn't dealt with the fact that what I had.  I cared for my husband for many months nursing him back to health and we shared with family and close friends for the support but it was horrible I won't lie.  I kept on thinking how can I get it I am a women that is not at high risk I didn't do needles I didn't sleep around how can I be dealt a hand like this.  My husband told me that he had done drugs with needles with a former girlfriend many years ago as an escape to his neglected childhood.  Although he doesn't blame his parents for his illness he knows this is how he got it. 

We worked it out I never did counselling and I just kept burying the truth away and kept strong like I always had in the past.  But inside this was eating away at me killing me killing my relationship with my husband.  I am having such a hard time moving forward and now I am going to start a group session with other couples (alone) for a while as I need to find others out there like me so I don't feel so alone.  I have a great support group of friends but it isn't the same they don't know how I feel they aren't living with HIV.  I feel like there is an elephant in a room all the time I feel like there are days that I can handle it and then something will happen and I have a complete breakdown and realize that I haven't ever dealt with this I haven't dealt with the anger and I haven't forgiven my husband for what he has done to me. 

I go to the doctor once every 3 months and about a week prior all the way up to the appointment I can barely look at him without being angry and starting fights for no reason. 

I remember sitting in a room with these wonderful nurses and doctors and saying oh my god I am not gay, I am not a street person I am not a hooker and I don't do drugs using needles what the fuck is this why am I dealt this hand why me why !!!  I then feel myself feeling the ashamed feeling that my god do I think I am better than these people that maybe have done something or had unprotected sex or gay.  I am not at all. 

I battle daily with these feelings.  The other day I was at the lab getting bloodwork and the room was of people and these two police officers brought in this lady in handcuffs and she was yelling "yeah look at me fuckers I am pregnant and I have HIV don't look at me you might catch this" ... then here I was sitting there in my designer clothes (just setting the look of the whole situation so it is clear) and I get up to move because my daughter is sitting with me (our second child we had after I was infected and she is negative and I will talk about this more later as this is just the start of my blogging) as she was terrified of this women yelling but really had no idea what she was talking about because she is only 4 years old.  The women then looks right into my eyes and says "you got a fucking problem cunt you think your better than me yeah get your kid away from me before I give her HIV."  It was all I could do not to say to her really you have no idea but feeling everyone in the room looking at her and now at me I removed myself and moved to another area.  I could barely hold the tears in I nearly lost it.  They call my name and I go in and the lady asks me my name birthdate etc before she draws the blood and I completely loose it ... I said oh my god it is people like this women out there that make HIV so horrible to admit to others she knows damn well you can't catch it by looking at her but she puts the fear into others in the whole room and makes it another thing that people who don't know the facts would think oh my that isn't good.  I then look at myself and think I know I would be ignorant as well to the whole HIV stigma if I didn't have it because why would I know more about this if I hadn't had a need to know.  Probably wouldn't have a clue if I could catch it from her or not.  I know that everyone knew the women was not well and not healthy in the head but the whole episode brought me right back to the first day and the anger and the resentment and the fact that I still haven't dealt with this at all. 

Is there anyone that is married out here that is similar to me?

Angry still after so many years I have to do something to start forgiving and loving myself again as my doctor said my blood pressure is so high all the time he said to me you are killing yourself. 


Offline GoForIt

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  • Posts: 94
Re: Got HIV from my husband !
« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2014, 04:46:24 PM »
Just read your post and thought I'd chime in. 

I am recently diagnosed positive as of last year from having one time unprotected sex right after college.  I don't do needles, I'm no street person, I'm very educated, smart, and have always been a good person.  I feel the same way as you sometimes but I realize that right now the big "elephant" in the room is the stress we feel while adding up all of the factors that surround us now in our heads.  Sometimes its important to break down and let it all out because that is something you are carrying around in your head and its a very heavy weight to carry. 

This is a real disease that can effect anyone from the lowest person to the highest person.  It kind of gives you more perspective once you are now on the inside looking out.  Unfortunately this is a real disease and who wants a disease?  No one.  And because of that, it can bring out the worst in people....especially since there is no "cure". 

After spending the last 7 months studying daily about HIV I've learned its not really as bad as we can make it feel in our heads.  The medicine is proven to work and its getting better all the time.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things.  You acted very appropriately in your situation with the crazy loony person who yelled out at you and that is what is important.  Hold yourself together as a dignified smart person and continue to follow the path that is right for you.  Going to the doctor every three months is a slight hassle but at least it is the responsible thing to do and will give you more insight to your health which is always a good thing.

Sometimes we build up that big ball of emotion in our head and try to hold it in as long as we can until it just comes out in a big emotional mess....I breakdown some days too and say to myself "I'm in total disbelief of the situation I am now in.  How did it end up here?"

But I know that I have faith and I just have to keep following the right responsible smart path and maybe I can make better decisions in the future that will some how change things.  You never really know...what if they cure this disease in just a few short years?  Then the massive stress we put on ourselves is all for nothing.

I'm not married but I just thought I'd share my thoughts since I am going through a very similar situation and understand how you feel.

As for the high blood pressure.  Your doctor is probably right.  As a responsible mother I'm sure it is very hard to find time to relax and let go of that weight of the world with all of the responsibility you have.  But its very important to keep yourself level headed, as stress free as possible, for your physical and mental health.

I wish you all the best
08/09/2013   Diagnosed WB positive
08/20/2013   CD4-506(28%)  VL-10,800
09/12/2013   CD4-391(28%)  VL-14,900
09/17/2013   Start ART (Truvada & Tivicay)
10/11/2013   CD4-377(26%)  VL-UD
12/20/2013   CD4-590(??%)  VL-UD
03/18/2014   CD4-660(29%)  VL-UD
07/22/2014   CD4-613(29%)  VL-UD
08/01/2014    Start TAF Clinical Trial

Offline Jeff G

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  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Got HIV from my husband !
« Reply #2 on: February 21, 2014, 05:00:23 PM »
Hi Gofor ... this is the positive Women's forum and is off limits to you ... but great post all the same .

Posmarriedgal, welcome to the forum . I'm sure some of our supportive women members will be by to greet you . You can fell free to post in the other forums as well . Thanks and again welcome . 
 

Offline Sweet_C

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  • Posts: 171
Re: Got HIV from my husband !
« Reply #3 on: February 21, 2014, 09:09:27 PM »
Hi posmarriedgirl!

I'm married and also was infected by my hubby, so I can identify with many of the feelings you have.  In my case, my hubby infected me before we married before he knew he was infected.  We have never talked about how he may have gotten it, but I am almost positive that he is bisexual.  I can live with the fact that he is bi, but I hate the fact that we can't talk about it.  He is from a religious family and so I feel badly that this is something he has had to repress.  He's never denied it but we have never been able to talk about it without it ending in a colossal argument.  He's said that he is going to deal with it on his own, that that chapter of his life is in his past and I don't have to worry about it anymore. 

I am a professional woman and I guess it's not so much that I feel better than other people with HIV, but it just makes me feel so unlucky and doomed.  There are so many people out there who have unprotected sex and don't get any diseases while here I am with HIV.  Seriously, out of all the people I could have fallen for, how did I pick the one that was pos?  My hubby was a divorced father of three when I met him.  When I was first diagnosed I actually thought I was the one who had infected him until I realized in hindsight that was not possible.  Whenever I go to a doctor appointment I always feel like the medical staff are pitying me, esp if it's an appt with docs other than my ID doc.  I feel like such an anomaly. 

I hope you find a way to deal with your anger because it sounds like you have a good marriage and a lot to be thankful for in your life.  Anger at my hubby has not really been an issue as far as HIV is concerned and other "normal" issues have caused more resentment.  I guess for me I am just grateful that I don't have to deal with this disease alone and that I got two children out of it and that makes it all worth it to me.  I always think about "what if" I had found out he was pos before I was infected.  It could be that I would have never gotten married at all and never had children since I was already in my mid thirties when I met him, and that to me is worse than HIV. I am also grateful because shortly before I was diagnosed, my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, which took her life shortly thereafter, so I am thankful that HIV is a disease that can be easily managed just by popping a pill.  I can still experience all of the good things in life without pain or disruption to my daily life, and that is better than what most people with chronic diseases face.

For me, I've always tried to look forward and to make the most of my life.  I am determined not to let HIV stop me from having the life I've always dreamed of.  In a way, because of the low odds of me getting it, I feel that it was kind of  my fate that I get this disease.  I feel angry at times when I think that I'm paying for my hubby's past reckless behavior, but that anger does not make the situation any better.  I just hope that since I've already experienced a major tragedy in HIV that maybe I'll be spared more major tragedies in the future. 
Tested positive on September 11, 2008

Offline BT65

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  • Posts: 9,918
Re: Got HIV from my husband !
« Reply #4 on: February 22, 2014, 07:20:32 AM »
Hello, and welcome!  As you can see, I've been diagnosed for quite a long time.  I was infected by my first husband.  I do not believe he knew he was positive, however, as he was a horrible alcoholic.  A few years before I was diagnosed, he had gone to Florida, to escape a domestic abuse charge, and when down there, he got into IV drugs, and God knows what else. 

At that point in time, HIV was not talked about in the city I was living in.  It was a small town in Michigan, very small.  I mean, I had heard a couple commercials on the radio about it prior to testing positive, but the ads were always "scare tactics," i.e. "if you have constant diarrhea, if you have constant fevers or night sweats, you may have AIDS," (and that's what they said, "AIDS" not "HIV").  At that time I wasn't having any of those symptoms so I disregarded that info.

Then he came back to town and we got back together, though didn't live with each other.  I had moved in with my parents, and ended up in treatment for alcohol abuse (I quit IV drugs when I found out I was pregnant years prior to this).  It was there I found out my positive status.  Then shortly thereafter my first husband died.  Ironically, the HIV is not what put the nail in his coffin, it was the booze.  His death certificate lists "acute alcohol intoxication," as cause of death.  However, his little brother told me later that he had "this thing called pneumocystis pneumonia, strange."  Then I knew that's where I contracted it.

I got married again after testing positive, and my second husband tested negative throughout the marriage.  My daughter, of course, was not positive, I had her tested.  I was extremely thankful for that.  Things didn't work out with my second husband, but it was not because of the HIV. 

Was I pissed off at my first husband?  Oh yeah, for a while.  I was more angry over feeling abandoned because of him dying, than I was for being infected.  Though things would not have worked out if he had lived.  He was too abusive, too caught up in alcoholism. 

I recognized anger was not going to serve me well, if I hung onto it.  I got into therapy, got involved with the ASO that was just starting out in this area (long before they had case managers etc), met others with HIV, and got on with life.  For a time I worked, until I could not, then got on disability.  You have to remember, when I tested positive, there was no hope for staying alive for any length of time, and I actually went through some periods of coming very close to death, I mean to the point of being on life support.  I got a power of attorney, made out a will, got a guardian for my daughter (I divorced from my second husband), and had my funeral all planned out and paid for (it still is). 

But, not living was not in the cards for me, not yet anyway.  So now, I work part time, I also got my undergrad degree, and have gotten on.  I have 3 grandchildren, and am so happy I didn't pass away.  Of course life is still very difficult at times, and I get pissed off at times, though not about how I was infected.  I've met all kinds of people, gay, straight, bi (I myself am bi), addict, recovering addict, many different people. 

I've met some very wonderful people I would not have met had I not tested poz.  Don't get me wrong, I would definitely trade all this for not being infected. But, my point is, I am, and that's not going to change.  So, I'm happy I opened myself up to meeting all types of people, being accepting, and letting some great people into my life.  It should be noted I've also met wonderful people from right here on these forums, and I so grateful for that. 

Just get to the point where you are content with life regardless of the HIV. If that means you see a therapist, then it's worth it.  Get a hold of the nearest ASO in your area and find out if they have support groups or social functions where you can meet, face to face, others living with HIV.  We're here, please feel free to vent away.  I'm sure as time passes you will get better and better at accepting the fact of being poz, and living your life the way you want to.  Good luck!

Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline posmarriedgal

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  • Posts: 2
Re: Got HIV from my husband !
« Reply #5 on: February 23, 2014, 10:48:37 AM »
Firstly thank you everyone who has responded and read my post. Already I feel somewhat better even getting things off my chest is helpful.  I read and I know that some of you are so alone and that breaks my heart to think that here I am feeling alone and I have a husband that loves me and two children and I am consumed with anger still.  I am working on this I truly am and I hope to keep posting and I am going to start a blog for women living with HIV to share stories as I think knowing that we are out here and supporting each other is very helpful. 

I did have my second child after being diagnosed with HIV with my husband.  I was not on any medication during the time of conception and they didn't advise we have intercourse without protection but we tried and ended up getting pregnant.  After my first trimester I began my medication.  It was a horrible experience but worth it at the same time.  The medication that I had to take did not agree with me at all and I ended up being sick from the day I started to the day I was off the medication and it was out of my body.  I remember each day getting up and it being a struggle I had to quit my job and go on leave as I was throwing up everything I lost over 40 lbs and if it wasn't throwing up I had diarrhea.  I felt like it was the longest time of my life.  So after all that I ended up opting for a c-section as the risk to the baby was the lowest this way.  After 1 year she has been tested several times and is negative and so is my eldest daughter.  I now have two healthy children one 11 years of age (going on 21 LOL) and a 4 year old going on 5 in March.  Yes I do need to be thankful that I can have all I have and stop the anger.  I am trying hard to see all the good and not the bad and this is not typically what I am like I am not a person that looks at everything half empty I never have been I don't know why I feel so hateful towards this disease. 

Offline BT65

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  • Posts: 9,918
Re: Got HIV from my husband !
« Reply #6 on: February 24, 2014, 08:09:35 PM »
Pos, I can tell you that me being single is by choice.  I'm not alone, I have some very good friends, some of which are members of this forum.  And some nearby. 

Don't apologize for having a husband.  You're blessed, and need to work through the anger.  Have you ever had therapy?  I'm wonderimg if that would be good for you.  I was in therapy for a while after being diagnosed. 

Keep venting!  It's good for us. ;D

Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Pam

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  • Posts: 4
Re: Got HIV from my husband !
« Reply #7 on: April 23, 2014, 11:17:29 AM »
I am positive and still married to my husband. Yes, the person who gave me HIV. I feel lonely most of the time because I have no one to talk to. I'm scared to tell my family because I'm not sure what they'll do to him.
Like you I am very angry. I also hate it when going to the doctor because they probably wonder about the real story,the how's and why's of our relationship. Sometimes I wonder why I didn't leave so long ago after finding out.
It really saddens me as I write this to know that someone who says, "I Love You" all the time has passed this on to me.
I also have 2 grown children.
Stay strong!!

Offline BT65

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Re: Got HIV from my husband !
« Reply #8 on: April 26, 2014, 03:59:23 AM »
Pam, I'm wondering if you should try to locate the nearest ASO (Aids service organization) and see if they have a support group.  That would put you in touch with other HIV+ people, and give you others to talk with.  It may be worth a shot.

Just for the record, I got HIV from my first husband, who died when I was in substance abuse treatment.  I was more pissed off at him for dying, feeling that he left me, more than him infecting me.  Had he lived, and gotten help for his substance abuse, I most likely would have stayed with him. 

It's everyone's choice.  I wouldn't berate someone for leaving the person who infected them, I just believe it's a matter of if you can move past it, if it's worth it etc.  Keep talking, Pam, it's good for the soul.

Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline WowThatWasLifeChanging

  • Member
  • Posts: 28
Re: Got HIV from my husband !
« Reply #9 on: April 28, 2014, 05:18:17 PM »
Well, I am not married or with the person that infected me, but I am a professional woman who is not a drug user, who isn't promiscuous, or anything you associate AIDS with before it happens to you. I got my positive results 2 weeks ago.  I now realize i contracted this from my 3.5 yr old daughters father. (Her test was negative thank God) I also dont know how to tell my close friends of family because of the stigma. I told my current boyfriend who is actually a doctor. Thankfully he tested negative and assures me we will be okay and he will help me be as healthy as I can be to live a long life. I lost a child (10 yrs old) a few months ago and now am dealing with this. I  scared and angry as well. I thank God for my private health insurance and my job. Two things that became very important to me 2 weeks ago. I have gone through the same feelings of WHY ME. And i dont ever come up with an answer. I asked the same question when my son drowned and realized then these are rhetorical questions. One of my closest friends is scared to death of aids and i cam barely sit on the phone with her now listening to her paranoia about something that is so real for me. I go tomorrow to meet with Id doc and start meds. I have never been more scared about anything in my life. I have a 12 and 3 yr old and plan to have another this year. I want to be here until i am old and gray and now who knows what tomorrow will bring. That makes me angry. I have been hiding from my daughters dad for 2 yrs because he threatened to kidnap her and now I want to find him and run him down in my car. I am incredibly angry that decisions i made in my life put me here today. Not reckless decisions by any means. I think its unfair and it makes me cringe that i have had this for 4 yrs and didnt even know. I have had the flu and went to doctor, had severe reaction to sulfa and went to doctor, had weird rash and went to doctor.  Aggravates and angers me of how far we have come with medicine but they dont screen for hiv on all of these hiv likely scenarios. I found out when i got shingles. Anyways, i only have 2 weeks experience as hiv positive and it turned my world upside down. Then when i took a step back i decided this will not define me. I will continue educational studies and living life to the fullest. I dont want to waste any time being angry. I want to be happy for every second i have to spend on this earth. I hope you can let go and live. There is nothing we can do, dont let it consume you. This is something you have, not who you are. I wish i would never of met the guy that gave this to me, but then i wouldnt have my wonderful daughter. I wish i wouldnt have moved to the place my son drowned, but i did. I have wondered in the last 2 weeks if God took my son bc he knew i was not going to be here to care for him. (He had special needs...) This HIV crap is life changing, but keep moving forward and being happy. Many prayers to you.

Offline Redtwist

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  • Posts: 1
Re: Got HIV from my husband !
« Reply #10 on: June 08, 2014, 12:06:47 AM »
Hi Posmarriedgal,

Are you still dealing w
ith the anger issues? I have a similar story.

Offline TabooPrincess

  • Member
  • Posts: 279
Re: Got HIV from my husband !
« Reply #11 on: June 24, 2014, 02:55:06 PM »
Hi all, similar with the anger here.  I sometimes think I don't have any emotions any more, I just can't get the same joy or sadness that I used to.  But yes, anger, that bubbles underneath constantly.  That man I trusted poisoned my body with his lies and deceit, I will forever live this lie because of his own in-ability to be honest.

Sometimes I want to smash him in the face.  Sometimes I think I forgive him.  Most of the time I bury it so far down that I don't ever ever think about it, or feel anything.

Not sure what the answer is.  It's not a long term solution but denial works ok for me even after 6 years.

We were unlucky, that is all.  Maybe fate has a better plan to come out of this, who knows.

09/ 2008 - Seroconversion
11/2008 - Tested pos, cd4 640 vl 25400
12/2008 - cd4 794 vl 27798, 35%
03/2009 - cd4 844 vl 68846, 35%
06/2009 - cd4 476 vl 49151, 33% (pregnancy confirmed)
08/2009 - cd4 464 vl 54662, 32%
Started meds for pregnancy (Kaletra, AZT, Viread)
09/2009 - cd4 841 vl 3213, 42%
10/2009 - cd4 860 vl 1088, 41%
11/2009 - cd4 771 vl 563, 38%
12/2009 - cd4 885 vl 151 42%
Discontinued meds after baby born
02/2010 - cd4 841 vl 63781, 38%
05/2010 - cd4 1080 vl 113000, 39%
08/2010 - cd4 770 vl 109242
12/2010 - cd4 642 vl 111000, 34%
06/2011 - cd4 450 vl 222000, 33%
11/2011 - cd4 419 vl 212000, 24%
03/2012 - cd4 280 vl 118000, 26% (repeated Cd4 at 360)
05/2012 -cd4 360 vl 99,190
10/2012 Atripla, cd4 690, vl 80
12/2012 Darunavir, norvir, truvada, Cd4 680, vl u/d
07/2013 cd4 750,ud

Offline TabooPrincess

  • Member
  • Posts: 279
Re: Got HIV from my husband !
« Reply #12 on: June 24, 2014, 03:01:56 PM »
 In a way, because of the low odds of me getting it, I feel that it was kind of  my fate that I get this disease.  I feel angry at times when I think that I'm paying for my hubby's past reckless behavior, but that anger does not make the situation any better.  I just hope that since I've already experienced a major tragedy in HIV that maybe I'll be spared more major tragedies in the future

Sweet C - I applaud you for this.  In my stronger days this is exactly what I believe. I think we're all destined for a tragedy of some kind and hopefully that's us over and done with now!!!
09/ 2008 - Seroconversion
11/2008 - Tested pos, cd4 640 vl 25400
12/2008 - cd4 794 vl 27798, 35%
03/2009 - cd4 844 vl 68846, 35%
06/2009 - cd4 476 vl 49151, 33% (pregnancy confirmed)
08/2009 - cd4 464 vl 54662, 32%
Started meds for pregnancy (Kaletra, AZT, Viread)
09/2009 - cd4 841 vl 3213, 42%
10/2009 - cd4 860 vl 1088, 41%
11/2009 - cd4 771 vl 563, 38%
12/2009 - cd4 885 vl 151 42%
Discontinued meds after baby born
02/2010 - cd4 841 vl 63781, 38%
05/2010 - cd4 1080 vl 113000, 39%
08/2010 - cd4 770 vl 109242
12/2010 - cd4 642 vl 111000, 34%
06/2011 - cd4 450 vl 222000, 33%
11/2011 - cd4 419 vl 212000, 24%
03/2012 - cd4 280 vl 118000, 26% (repeated Cd4 at 360)
05/2012 -cd4 360 vl 99,190
10/2012 Atripla, cd4 690, vl 80
12/2012 Darunavir, norvir, truvada, Cd4 680, vl u/d
07/2013 cd4 750,ud

Offline SMARTCHICK

  • Member
  • Posts: 4
Re: Got HIV from my husband !
« Reply #13 on: June 30, 2014, 12:12:37 AM »
I got infected by my boyfriend. I asked him if he had ever been tested for HIV and what his status was before sleeping with him unprotected. I never asked for paperwork verifying his status. Huge mistake. I later found out her had never been tested in his life before. He lied. He ruined my health and killed apart of me.

I stayed with him for about a 1 and a 1/2 after I found out about the diagnosis of being positive because I did not think another man would want me now that I am infected. I was angry and hurt. I felt betrayed and lied to. I was enraged and would often flip out on him for no reason and bring up the fact that he infected me.

I am still angry. I am angry because he could be a "good man" for me knowing that he infected me. He continued to sleep around with woman who he claimed to have told he was infected. I felt like he owed me his life. But I know I will never get from him what I deserve for him lying to me and infecting me.

We are "friends"; mostly because the HIV ties us together. We have no one else to talk to about it. A part of me hates him. But a part of me has also forgiven him. My sanity required me to forgive him.

Won't ever trust another man because of him. I'm infected because I trusted someone with my health. Dumb move.  :'(

Offline Stormy44

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Re: Got HIV from my husband !
« Reply #14 on: July 02, 2014, 09:02:05 PM »
I totally relate to this.  I was infected by my husband.  I tried to forgive him but I really couldn't.  I feel that if he cared about me he would have protected me.  But i am also very angry with myself, for being trusting and expecting someone else to care about me more than I care about myself.   I also didn't think I could get it.  I did not fall into ANY of what were called the  high risk categories ( not a drug user, never had a blood transfusion, etc).  I feel really stupid about this.  why wasn't I smarter?  Why wasn't i more careful?


I was infected before I married him and could have ended the relationship then but didn't .  I was afraid.  Who would want me?  Any way we got married and tried to make it work and we were both miserable. Even though we were both professionals, had a nice home in the suburbs, drove nice cars, and took nice vacations, underneath all of that, anger and resentment were simmering.   I think he felt trapped and never wanted to be married in the first place.  It was really a marriage in name only as i know that he continued to behave promiscuously.  Despite the fact that he was a financial professional, he had a drug habit that he could not shake. I stated before I was resentful and angry, so there were many times when we were not nice to each other and we said very hurtful things.  I eventually got tired and left him.  A year later he became ill and passed away.  I did go to see him several times in the hospital before he passed and tried to be there for him.  As much as I hated him a part of me loved him; (we had some happy memories together) and I found I could not abandon him entirely.

The silver lining in this is I am in pretty good health even though I've had the virus for 20 years.  No serious illnesses in all that time.  I did have one surgery (unrelated to HIV) but other than that good health.   The worst part about the disease is the stigma.  I feel like I have to lurk in the shadows, I can't fully participate in life.  some of my old friends from decades ago are going on 20 and 30 years of marriage or long term relationships.  They seem so happy and normal.  I would love to feel normal again  :-[

Offline BT65

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Re: Got HIV from my husband !
« Reply #15 on: July 03, 2014, 07:19:10 AM »
Let me make one thing perfectly clear-there are no specific groups anyone should "associate" HIV/AIDS with.  It does not matter what demographic you fall into, you're all here, and it seems the women who have posted were in what they would have liked to have thought "low risk" groups.  Well, you've found out that is just a fallacy, isn't it.  Pardon me if I'm defensive, but I'm a professional person, my last relationships were monogamous, but I used to be a using drug addict/hooker etc.   And, I didn't get infected while in this lifestyle.  It was my first husband who infected me.  So again, get those ideas of "typical groups" of people out of your minds. 

Now, I was going to say in time your worries about having a relationship, and the hurt and anger you all feel will subside, but it seems Stormy is still pretty upset after all the years post-diagnosis. 

I would encourage you all who cannot seem to move past the anger and hurt, betrayal feelings, not feeling "normal," (what is that anyway), to get into some type of counseling.  I did and actually just exited therapy about 3 years ago.  And I've been diagnosed over 20 years.  Seriously, it doesn't mean you're weak if you need therapy.  It means you want to get better.

I can tell you I forgave my first husband many years ago, (as I said I was more upset with him for dying), and got married again post-diagnosis.  The marriage didn't last, but it wasn't because of the HIV.  So, for those of you concerned about not having another serious relationship, they are possible.  You just have to be okay with yourself first.  Then you'll be confident enough to have another relationship.  All of you, please keep posting!  It's good for us.  I would have been around sooner to respond to you all, but I've moved into a new house (well, new to me), and you all know how moving goes.  I have a torn tendon that is healing, and still finding things and putting things away. 

It will get better, but we have to be willing to work at it!

Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Stormy44

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Re: Got HIV from my husband !
« Reply #16 on: July 10, 2014, 01:47:00 AM »
I realize that there are no specific groups that are more likely to get HIV,  I was simply relating how my mind was thinking at the time early in my diagnosis when I was diagnosed early on.  Perhaps I didn't communicate this clearly.  As far as anger goes , yes I am still angry, and I don't apologize for it ; it comes and goes.  My anger is directed at my deceased husband.  I know it doesn't do my any good, doesn't change anything and its self -destructive.    I think therapy is very useful  and will probably go back to it , I am unable to do so right now.  I just joined this forum a few days ago and wanted to express my feelings since I don't have many people in my life that I can share this with. 

Offline BT65

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Re: Got HIV from my husband !
« Reply #17 on: July 10, 2014, 07:55:34 AM »
Stormy, I was not trying to be snide when saying people shouldn't generalize about what the lifestyles of people with HIV must have been like.  I'm simply saying that too often times women think they're not at risk of becoming poz because they're in a relationship, or not "too" promiscuous, etc.  But, as we now know, anyone is at risk. 

It is perfectly fine to still be pissed off at the person who infected you.  There's no timeline on it.  I wonder if you're upset at your deceased husband for the same reason I was, or at least partly because of this:  he's dead.  I know with my husband, I felt like he left me.  And that pissed me off moreso than the fact of him infecting me.

Too bad you can't get into therapy right now, it really would be helpful.  I'm not trying to be a know-it-all, I just know from experience what works and what doesn't. 

Keep reaching out to us, it's good to hear from you!

Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

 


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