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Author Topic: My husband and I have been arguing for four days  (Read 768 times)

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Offline idee

  • Member
  • Posts: 319
  • Hi...
My husband and I have been arguing for four days
« on: June 29, 2014, 07:33:59 PM »
He plays the argument by yelling things that are heard by the neighbors that make me sound at fault. I know he is doing it on purpose since he looks in their direction and gets quiet when he admits to being a drug addict. He rewords my statements to sound ridiculous as if I am insecure. Some statements being on a different topic all together. He argues to be seen as the person who is not at fault.
I am going to school to care for my daughter and husband. Yet if I speak of school he doesn't understand and cuts me off. He acts with confidence when we go outside. He says he is not worried about me going anywhere.
When we first met he said he wanted someone who was not into makeup, hair dye, or expensive shopping habits. Yet I always see his actions say otherwise. He acts as if what these women say matters. I on the other hand he just wants me to not talk about how I feel. In the beginning he told me I won't have any male friends and he won't have women friends. Except he will stand around talking to women in public who approach him.
I have been told I have low self esteem by the couples therapist. He called her today and I am sure she changed her mind. She asked if we're safe. I said yes. We are seeing her tomorrow and she knows Now I only expected Terence to follow the same rules he gave to me. She also knows he said he wanted a clean house and cooked meals over beauty.
Once when I was having intercourse with my husband he stopped and said I was too loose. He now claims he was high and therefore takes no responsibility.
When I started to tell the therapist this he threatened to walk out then walked back in the room refusing to be quiet and accusing me of trying to tear him up. In order for me not to be heard.
I used to be an addict ten years ago. I quit cold turkey. I had legal problems, I faced the consequences. My husband did help me through those times along with telling me when to eat or go to bed.
After a while I grew tired of being told I was inept because I made mistakes a young adult. I started getting out of bed in the morning when I wanted to. At first I had to explain why I was getting out of bed. Soon he left me alone about it. I had to explain each and every one of my actions towards my freedoms I wanted to take. Soon I was able to walk through the house on my own.
He mostly slept all day in the beginning. I cleaned looking forward to him waking up. I cooked us a meal when he woke up. Soon I started eating when I was hungry instead of waiting for him to wake.
He did not want me speaking to the neighbors. The neighbors started to say I looked lime a man and would whisper when I walked outside. I was walking on eggshells the whole time.
Currently we live in a new state. He needs me to work, so I have one semester left. I can look for a job and start working. Yet I am suppose to be submissive to him. He doesn't understand my school work so he does not want to hear it. He does listen and ask anyone else questions to learn about what they do.
I am not sure, but I am thinking of leaving him after I finish my program and find work. He has helped me, only because I picked him up off the floor, bathed him, wiped him, and fed him.
I can think of good times, but I am tired of explaining why my daughter needs her textured hair in braids, because he doesn't want to spend the money. He finally allowed us to have it done. Then he acted like he was the greatest. I am literally looked down on.
What matters is my daughter comes to my side. She says what he wants to hear then tells me thank you later. She sees everything. She knows at times I have to explain to him why I bought something with my own money. We are on assistance, but he says to women outside that I control everything. In reality we're currently struggling to work on our marriage.
He realized he looks hen pecked and I appear the abuser. If now ticks him off I won't back down and say it is my fault while maintaining a calm quiet frame of mind. I have also learned how to keep on track when he jumps all over the place on subjects. He even yells my family is shit. I guess this is his way of trying to attack me at my weakest. Except he is an addict like my family members. I am not. I will be the first woman to have a college education in my family on my mom's side which includes my aunts and cousins.
So the problem is my husband wants a submissive woman. I am not happy with any form of domination.
If I have a complaint he blows it out of proportion, gets loud, and rewords my sentences loudly to sound as if I am not intelligent or secure in my self.
Currently he has been looking out our window to see if our neighbors can hear him. He likes their middle aged daughter who moved back home.
I feel he wants me to look the fool that no one would blame him for walking out on.
He actually wants people to notice my faults while he explains his away and even tells me to shut up so he can speak.
He even yelled outside he feels his wife doesn't love him.
In reality I have this strong feeling he is trying to sound like he is the victim. Even after he listened to my older half sister's stories of her detailed encounters as a prostitute. He tries to say I imagined that too. My daughter witnessed this and this is why she is usually on my side.
So we see a therapist tomorrow and I don't know. It's like he wants to treat me negative at times and say if I feel like I'm not being treated correctly then I don't love him.
I am almost certain men will treat me negative because of my past. I only know if we don't work out unlike my husband it will not be to go directly into a relationship.
I have hope of a better life, but I am not sure if I deserve to be overlooked after what I have done for my husband. I have kept my mouth shut long enough as he told people how he helped me and my mistakes. He also told me many times that I would have no achievements if it wasn't for him. I do acknowledge his help, but I also acknowledge being treated like a second class citizen.

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,366
Re: My husband and I have been arguing for four days
« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2014, 11:06:26 PM »

I think you have a very good I-dee-ya as to what's going on and what's been going on. And, what needs to go on.

You know there is something better waiting for you to come grab it---for yourself and your daughter.  Life.  Dignity.  Kindness.  Decency.

Your low self esteem is reinforced and regulated by his fears and manipulation.

So he helped you. You helped him. Everyone says thank you and you can be happy about that.  It hasn't led to treating each other respectfully. He is apparently not capable at present.

Tell the therapist everything. Get your education and get going. Don't look back.  You've Gotta lot to catch up on. Could it be ANY harder than what you waken to every day?  I seriously doubt it. 

Please, take a good long look in the mirror and say aloud--I am on my way to the rest of my life--I am taking my daughter, my education and my hopefulness forward.

Offline guitargal

  • Member
  • Posts: 62
Re: My husband and I have been arguing for four days
« Reply #2 on: November 27, 2014, 02:09:47 AM »
sounds like you are getting stronger with your self esteem.

IMO children deserve to life a life without parents fighting and no where near drugs.

they are better off with one sober parent..

and you will be a great single mom!


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