Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits > Mental Health & HIV

Everything is up in the air.

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  I don't really feel great now, and to be perfectly honest I don't think there is an answer for me.  I am not even sure what I'm asking.

     In 2005 I met someone on line, I was in the UK, he in Australia.  So I came to Australia for a holiday.  On the tourist Visa, which lasts a year you have to leave the country every 3 months which I did.  Went to NZ for the weekend, However when I got back to Aus, from NZ, the second time, I was back in Aus for 6 days and rushed to Hosp by Ambulance as my painful left leg had gone blue.  I was diagnosed with Deep Vein Thrombosis.  I also had to start ARVs because my T cell count dropped to 105, with VL over a million, 7%.    I was pretty sick, clots in my lungs liver and spleen, and the main clot in my left leg to just below my heart.   
    To cut a very long story short, it took about 4 years to get over.   The only lasting damage is loosing the feeling in my left leg below the knee.  Since then it's been a catalog of health issues, insulin dependent, live cirrhosis,  sciatica, and constant diarrhea, neuropathy, impaired vision and the latest fluid swelling on my bone joints.  The relationship I was in ended, and I now have a severe depression, medicated.  I now live on an isolated property, in rural NSW. I don't get to see a Councillor or get any  Psychologist help because there is a waiting list for these services.  I'm feeling isolated and alone.
      My Dad is terminally ill, and I've been advised I must never fly again, there is too great a risk with flying, so my only contact with home is on Skype.   I tried to get Insurance as i wanted to take the risk, but cannot get Insurance to fly.  So technically I was/am stranded here in Australia.  The cost of going by boat is more than I can save, I get a very small state pension to survive on.  It only just covers the bills.   So I have permanent residency here, I know there are worse places I could have been stranded in, but I cannot help but feel like shit.
        Despite multiple health issues the state says I'm not sick enough to get any form of disability help, and I am told in May of this year I will have to find full time work.   Some days I just can't do anything.  Last year for example I was in Hosp 6 times, totaling just over 5 months.  So along with all the other meds I have Temaze, Endone, Endep amd Mirtazapin.   I get by, but I'm not living, I'm existing.   I've tried contacting Rural HIV services etc, I got one email back, and I get the feeling they are just not interested.  I've written and phoned a lot but no one wants to help.  I got the impression they think I'm a nut job with all the phone calls.  I'm tired of people saying they'll call back, or take a message and nothing happens. I even tried the HIV legal Volunteers but nothing.  They said they would look into  trying to get me onto a disability pension, but every time I try to contact them 5 times so far, I get no response.
       I am not moving from here, I can't afford to.  I cannot afford living in the city on the money I get. I do have a good GP, and see excellent specialists in Melbourne and Sydney, I've even been taken by Air Ambulance, so living here is safe. Just I am finding it difficult to want to keep struggling to survive. Frankly I don't and I just don't see where to go from here.     
       At least my T cell count is now around 1100, VL Undetectable, and 38%, but everything else is a problem.   I smoke Cannabis now, to help me eat, as I eat very little.  I don't look good, so avoid going into town unless I absolutely have to.   My House mate friend Jenny, does the local shopping.   
       I feel quite alone now, I just don't know what to do about it.  I have no sexual appetite, I doubt if I can maintain an erection for longer than a minute anyway.  I don't bother trying anymore.  No point.  I am unlikely to ever meet anyone anyway.
 This forum is my only HIV contact.  I just wondered if anyone had  any ideas how i can improve my situation?

  I just read Alan B's topic, and I can identify with that.   I bottle everything.     I keep myself to myself, I'm almost a hermit.  I have big issues trusting people, and just can't trust people again if they let me down.   I'm not angry, but I believe my getting HIV, was entirely my own fault.  At the time I was drunk and stonned, on various things.  It just seems to me that in life i made many wrong choices and now just have to live with it.  Same shit, different day.

    I decided to get on my bike and go to Melbourne in the morning to go see the HIV specialist.  It's just the 5 hour ride each way.

I hope you can access the help you need, Pete. Reaching out here is a really good starting point - there's plenty of love and support to be had here. Many have made life-long friends here and you can too, so keep posting so you can get to know us and we can get to know you. :)

I hope by bike you mean motorcycle - a five hour bicycle ride would be exhausting! :o

Jeff G:
Welcome Pete ! .


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