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Author Topic: I WANT KIDS !!!!!  (Read 1296 times)

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Offline razzmaniac

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
I WANT KIDS !!!!!
« on: February 03, 2014, 10:50:09 AM »
So, heres my story. Being gay and single makes having kids pretty difficult. I have one young female friend who has offered many times for her and her bf to be the surrogate for me. Her bf was more then willing to make the gift for me. As time has progressed, he has had second thoughts and is more worried then before. So, being poz, undetectable I do have options of a surrogate taking the "prep meds" to help prevent infection. PROBLEM: She doesn't know im poz, SO, im making excuses that im "infertile". Imagine telling a 20 year old who wants to carry your kid that youre poz. NOT going to happen. Needless to say, I have friends that have been lucky enough to know a female friend who has done the prep and everything has worked out beautifully. UGH!!!! Not so lucky here. My only other option is to be her "partner" at a fertility clinic and use donor sperm and artificial insemination. NOT a problem. Keeps costs low and paper work is only needed for the private adoption. If she bails on me and doesn't want to go through with this anymore, then im shit outta luck. . . there are goofy laws in NY about advertising for surrogates.
WHO KNEW it was so hard for a guy to have a kid. . .when a women can just go to a club, meet a cute guy of her liking, get knocked up in the back seat and never see him again. . .

Offline Ann

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Re: I WANT KIDS !!!!!
« Reply #1 on: February 03, 2014, 11:04:18 AM »
Hi Razz, I've moved your post into the Living forum as this topic seems to be very much tied to your hiv status. The Off Topic forum is only for topics that have nothing to do with hiv.

One thing that immediately jumps out at me - if you don't trust this young woman enough to disclose your hiv status to her, how can you possibly trust her enough to carry your baby?

Personally, if I were in the position to need/want a surrogate in order to have a child I wouldn't even consider such a young woman, unless she'd already had a child or two of her own and unless she was exceptionally emotionally mature for her age. I'd be much more inclined to look for an older woman in her late twenties or early thirties.

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Offline mecch

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  • Posts: 12,166
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: I WANT KIDS !!!!!
« Reply #2 on: February 03, 2014, 02:16:28 PM »
My observation of all the various ways my gay and lesbian friends and acquaintances have partnered up to do this among known people, has shown me the best solution over the long run was to avoid doing this through friends and acquaintances, whatsoever, and rather use professional services, people and procedures -- vetted and guided by professionals.

Just curious - are you planning to be a single father? 
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline klassykitty

  • Member
  • Posts: 381
Re: I WANT KIDS !!!!!
« Reply #3 on: February 03, 2014, 03:52:45 PM »
I got a question for you:  why not just adopt a kid?

I agree with Ann and Meech  20 is a little young to be a surrogate, and a professional service would be better.  Do they have professional services for that?

Michelle

How to handle stress like a dog:
If you can't eat it or play with it.....
then pee on it and walk away

Diagnosed 01-20-2011
01-23  CD4 32    VL 125,400
02-18        76     VL 189
03-14  no cd4 test done   VL-52
04-14   69  VL-UNDECTABLE  YEA!!
05-26   50  whoopsy  
06-27   71        %-7
08-15   64 WTF %-9 
10-16  80         %7  
2012  CD4  %Thing   VL-UD
01-18  87    7
04-18  93    8  
07-16  151  8         
10-18  83    9    VL-70
2013   CD4   %thing       VL-UD
01-28  121     9
04-24  148    11   
07-25  157    11   
10-22  185    13
2014   CD-4  %thing   VL-UD
02-07 201 YEA!!!!!!  12
06-03  205      12

Offline eric48

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Re: I WANT KIDS !!!!!
« Reply #4 on: February 03, 2014, 05:10:51 PM »
So, being poz, undetectable I do have options of a surrogate taking the "prep meds" to help prevent infection.

???

You may want to check, but, I 'think' I 've read somewhere that this is kind of obsolete when the father is POZ , UD, and mother NEG

Sorry, that the virus gets in your way

That being said, I am not 100 % sure that your project, as you describe it, is such a good idea.

You may also find , the hardway, that the person you describe as a 'young female friend' , once pregnant, may very well feel that she is a mother... And she will be the mother of your child...

9 months of bearing a child may really change her attitude (especially if she was not considering it as a family or business 'deal' to begin with)

Now, if you really WANT a kid (and more...) you may find that there are a number of women in the same situation and they cannot find a HE. Offer your 'services' and you may enjoy a lot of kids ;-)

when a women can just go to a club, meet a cute guy of her liking, get knocked up in the back seat and never see him again

is easier said than done

Hope this helps

Eric
NVP/ABC/3TC/... UD; CD4 > 1000; CD4/CD8 ~ 2.0   safety stock : 3 months (2013: FOTO= 5d. ON 2d. OFF ; 2014: NCT02157311 = 4d. ON, 3d. OFF)

Offline GSOgymrat

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  • Posts: 5,052
  • HIV+ since 1993. INTJ
Re: I WANT KIDS !!!!!
« Reply #5 on: February 03, 2014, 05:33:56 PM »
A gay couple I know, who are not HIV+, had three children with the same surrogate. It was a professional arrangement and cost about $80,000 per child. The kids are in their teens now, have always known about the surrogacy and have visited their mother several times. The guys encourage the kids to communicate with her and her other children. The kids relationship with the other family is kind of like an aunt and cousins.

I recommend exploring all your options and talking to other gay parents who have had children through surrogacy or adoption.

Offline thunter34

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,326
  • His name is Carl.
Re: I WANT KIDS !!!!!
« Reply #6 on: February 03, 2014, 05:58:38 PM »
WHO KNEW it was so hard for a guy to have a kid. . .when a women can just go to a club, meet a cute guy of her liking, get knocked up in the back seat and never see him again. . .

I knew.  Because I have a penis.  Boy - those women get all the breaks, don't they?
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline Joe K

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  • Posts: 3,877
  • 31 Years Poz
Re: I WANT KIDS !!!!!
« Reply #7 on: February 03, 2014, 06:35:36 PM »
WHO KNEW it was so hard for a guy to have a kid. . .when a women can just go to a club, meet a cute guy of her liking, get knocked up in the back seat and never see him again. . .

Hey Razz,

As a father, with a daughter, your comment is simply insulting and misogynistic.  You do not possess the maturity, nor the compassion and sensitivity that parenting requires.  While it may be easy to "conceive" a child, the part that matters, is what comes after the birth.

Joe

Offline Since2005

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  • Posts: 423
Re: I WANT KIDS !!!!!
« Reply #8 on: February 03, 2014, 10:53:29 PM »
Hey Razz,

As a father, with a daughter, your comment is simply insulting and misogynistic.  You do not possess the maturity, nor the compassion and sensitivity that parenting requires.  While it may be easy to "conceive" a child, the part that matters, is what comes after the birth.

Joe

Really?!!?  How do you know he does not possess the maturity or the compassion? You barely know him. This is "I" think is merely a comment that he has made out of frustration knowing how hard for HIV+ person to become parent comparing to other situations. It is difficult unless he were a girl and it would have been so much easier for him. I 'see' it that way about this comment!

OP, good luck to you. I have always thought about that Idea of having kids and being poz makes it a bit harder (I don't' think that anymore anyways at least not now:)). I  would agree may be you can look at the opportunity of a professional service if you can pay for it. Regardless, I would say you may want to trust her enough to tell your status and do all the paperwork ahead of time to avoid future problems. All in all, good luck to you. I hope you make your babies soon!

Since
« Last Edit: February 03, 2014, 10:55:54 PM by Since2005 »

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,366
Re: I WANT KIDS !!!!!
« Reply #9 on: February 04, 2014, 01:33:13 AM »
I'm with Klassy--please consider adoption. But, more specifically, consider adopting an HIV+ child particularly one beyond infancy. The process of adoption will get your head straight about fatherhood and you 'll have a chance to mature as it means letting someone else determine if you're fit for duty. If everyone had to go through the rigor of adoption--there would be far fewer unwanted and abused children.

 


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