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Author Topic: Pissed  (Read 4463 times)

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Offline Biggums

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Pissed
« on: October 20, 2006, 08:26:41 PM »
Well, today I was told in no uncertain terms by my dad that while I was welcome at big family Thanksgiving dinner this year, I could not bring the "homosexual lover".    And that under no circumstances ever, ever, ever was I to "expose" him to them.  He also reminded me my Grandma was 86 and I was killing her with asking if he could come also.

I fired an angry email back to him and then decided to call my Grandma.  She informed me that they had all decided not to expose the family to HIV from my bf.  She said that they feared catching it if he sneezed or something or if he would sweat onto a towel or something.  Oh my freaking god.  Is this where most of America is still at in terms of being educated on HIV transmission?

All of this comes too after my sister died of AIDS in 91.  So it is not like this is something that is suddenly thrust upon them. 

I am angry more than anything, because these aren't some hillbillies in the back woods skinning coons at night.  These are decent people who have for the most part loved and supported me most of my life.  Until now.  Now I see the ignorance, hypocrisy and bigotry.  I am sad and angry and pissed as hell.

I have told them all they don't need to worry about me or us coming out ever again.  Perhaps a little dramatic but that's how I feel.

Happy holidays.
44 year old gay man .......just broke up with the only man I've ever really loved.

You can love completely without complete understanding.

Offline Blixer

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Re: Pissed
« Reply #1 on: October 20, 2006, 08:33:09 PM »
Biggums, I am so sorry to hear of the reaction by your family.  I guess it simply shows how much misunderstanding still exists about HIV.  I'm sorry you have to go through this.  I understand you being hurt and pissed.  And I totally understand your reaction.  I think I would probably react in a similar manner if I were faced with the same thing.  I'll be sending good thoughts your way!
David
Diagnosed 1/9/06
8/27/2007 CD4 598, 29%, VL 58 (72 wks)
11/19/2007 CD4 609, 30%, VL < 50 (84 wks)
2/11/2008 CD4 439, 27%, VL <50 (96 wks)
5/5/2008 CD4 535, 28%, VL <50 (108 wks)
10/20/2008 CD4 680, 28%, VL <50 (132 wks)
Changed to Atripla in 2012
1/14/2013 CD4 855, 35%, VL <40

Offline Teresa

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Re: Pissed
« Reply #2 on: October 20, 2006, 09:09:32 PM »
Biggums,
 So sorry your family wont welcome your partner for the holidays. Its a shame.

How were they with your sister? Is it possible that knowing your partner has HIV/Aids would bring back painful memories of losing your sister? Since I don't know your family, it was the first thing that popped into my head when you said your sister died of Aids.

Big Hugs
Teresa
Hubby HIV+ 5/5/06
CD4:320
  %: 26.7
 VL: <20
Atripla (started it 8/24/06)
 

Offline Jerry71

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Re: Pissed
« Reply #3 on: October 20, 2006, 09:12:37 PM »
It is a damn shame that people think they can get HIV from someone that sneezes on them. Hell I would go and spit on them and give them a big hug. Who needs these kinds of people in there lifes. EDUCATION is all they need time to sit down and have a long talk with them stupid people.

Offline AlanBama

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Re: Pissed
« Reply #4 on: October 20, 2006, 09:22:47 PM »
Stories like this always upset me.   I hate to see families torn apart, especially due to ignorance.  I have been blessed with an educated family, who loves and accepts me the way I am, even back during those 'dark years'.   They never had a problem with me holding my niece, and always included me in everything.
My niece is now a lovely 24 year-old woman, but was only four when I became HIV positive.

I pray that you and your partner find tolerance, acceptance and love.

hugs,

Alan
"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline Lisa

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Re: Pissed
« Reply #5 on: October 20, 2006, 10:30:29 PM »
Wow man. I'm so sorry they have drawn that line in the sand.
Guess you can't pick your family, huh?
geez louise... but I'm sure the two of you are perfectly capable of having your own lovely holiday. I truly hope you both have a great day, and not be bothered by your ignorant family.
Best wishes. :-*
No Fear  No Shame  No Stigma
Happiness is not getting what you want, but wanting what you have.

Offline Biggums

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  • Posts: 199
Re: Pissed
« Reply #6 on: October 21, 2006, 01:31:42 AM »
Thanks for the support guys.  The drama continued tonight as I confronted one of my aunts about  lack of knowledge concerning this issue and how it was so wrong and discriminatory.  A simple "go to hell" was how she ended it with me.  Nice.

We are actually thinking of going to our family church this Sunday and introducing ourselves to everyone!
44 year old gay man .......just broke up with the only man I've ever really loved.

You can love completely without complete understanding.

Offline Jeffreyj

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Re: Pissed
« Reply #7 on: October 21, 2006, 03:09:12 AM »
This reminds me of one of my favorite lines I learned in therapy:

 "You can't choose your family, but you can choose the time you spend with them."


I hope it all works out for you.
Positive since 1985

Offline poet

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  • Poet living and working in Central Maine
Re: Pissed
« Reply #8 on: October 21, 2006, 05:32:31 AM »
Aren't the holidays... and the period leading up to each and every one of them, fun?  Sadly, whether it's someone/everyone else having an issue over hiv, over a boyfriend, over being gay, over not having Aunt So and So's special jello with mayonaise treat, it all seems to blow up.  I suspect that lot's and lot's of us have to remember that yes, there is that picture perfect holiday and then there is reality on the ground.  When one door closes on one picture, it's a great time to come up with a new one, a picture perfect holiday which you get to choose, you get to choose the food, the guests, the place. Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline DanielMark

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Re: Pissed
« Reply #9 on: October 21, 2006, 05:54:41 AM »
Biggums,

Sorry you are being treated so unfairly. Sounds like I have the same kinds of relatives you have. Ghaaa. >:(

My motto: You can't pick your relatives, but you can choose your family. Works for me.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline Val

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  • Praxitèles -- Satyre au repos
Re: Pissed
« Reply #10 on: October 21, 2006, 06:06:43 AM »
I have given up long ago a huge part of my family just because of everything stated above.  Nowadays, my family is divided into  clans: my clan, which by the way is the largest, trendiest and funniest; my old brother's clan, which is by all means exactly the opposite of mine; and, last but not least 'cause she is mean, my old sister's clan, which is a frantic  financially oriented kind of circle.
It is sad, I know, but I was not the one who wanted things to get to this point.  Besides, I have noticed that for all of us "gays" there is only one option available: "You gotta always excuse yourself for being what and who you are."  We, usually, are the ones who make peace, cede and try to patch things up.  And my decision has been taken a long time ago regarding this humiliating procedure...  I will not bow down anymore for any member of my family, ever!  I did this for years while my parents were still alive so that especially my adored mother would not suffer.  Not anymore!
And it is funny to remark that since I have adopted this hard-line attitude towards some members of the family, they are the ones now coming to me for pardon and trying to revive old ties! However, I feel a bit reticent now and somehow allow myself to doubt their sudden "candid feelings" toward me!

Val
___
___
Arthus Bertrand
http://www.yannarthusbertrand.com/yann2/affichage.php?reference=TVDC%20YABFR084&pais=France
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Photography:
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Offline J.R.E.

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  • Joined Dec-2003 Living positive, since 1985.
Re: Pissed
« Reply #11 on: October 21, 2006, 06:20:03 AM »
Hello ,

It's sad, that in 2006 and 25 plus years/quarter century, into this epidemic, there are still people that think this way. Big hugs to both of you, and if you ever want to come over for Thanksgiving dinner, We would have ya !!



Ray
Current Meds ; Viramune, Epzicom, 40mg of simvastatin, 12.5mg of Hydrochlorothiazide.
Metoprolol tartrate 25mg



http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=40802.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=45159.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39722.msg495621;topicseen#msg495621

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=46806.0

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=39414.msg491701#msg491701


 In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started my first  HAART regimen  on October 24th,03.

 As of 8/2514,  t-cells are at 402, Viral load <40

 Current % is at 11%

  
 62 years young.

Offline aztecan

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  • Posts: 5,398
  • 29 years positive, 57 years a pain in the butt
Re: Pissed
« Reply #12 on: October 21, 2006, 09:35:16 AM »
I, like Alan, have been very lucky when it comes to family.

Even when I was with my partner, my family was fine with everything. My ex and my dad got along famously, mainly because they were both former jarheads (Semper fi, etc.)

I am very sorry your family has chosen to do this. But, as Val said, you must live your own life. If they don't want to be a part of it, that is their problem.

Were it me, I would plan my own holidays with my partner. You really don't need the stress from the family anyway.

HUGS,

Mark
"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline Life

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  • Member 2005
Re: Pissed
« Reply #13 on: October 21, 2006, 10:32:24 AM »
Don't write them off just yet.  As they sit around the family table getting ready to cut into that roast turkey,  I think the only thing they will have on their minds is you and your BF..  The ball is on their side of the net now...  Go somewhere else where love abounds...

YES, IT IS A HAPPY HOLIDAY AND STILL CAN BE.....

Love,

Offline wellington

  • Member
  • Posts: 508
  • Don't sweat the little things.
Re: Pissed
« Reply #14 on: October 21, 2006, 03:27:42 PM »
Time to educate those folks of yours. I'm thinking a skywriter over the house to get the neighbourhood talking, but that's just my approach.

As for poor old granny, it boggles my mind that people can be 80 or 90 or however old without at least some exposure to the real world. She knew enough about sex to have kids at least ;) Maybe the parents are in the dark about what granny really knows and feels.

Personally, if my parents - not that they would ever dare - excluded my partner from an event, it would be a gathering from which we'd both be absent, sans regret.

Offline tryingforhope

  • Member
  • Posts: 64
Re: Pissed
« Reply #15 on: October 21, 2006, 06:45:38 PM »
I am sorry that you have to go through this. Not the same I realize, but after my divorce I was told by my mother that my fiance was not welcome at Christmas. I brought him anyway but that is what happens when you are Irish and Italian. We just yell at each other and than eat.

Offline Queen Tokelove

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  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: Pissed
« Reply #16 on: October 22, 2006, 01:43:19 AM »
This reminds me of one of my favorite lines I learned in therapy:

 "You can't choose your family, but you can choose the time you spend with them."




That is so true, and due to the grief they have put me through I have chosen not to deal with mine at all.
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline cph9680

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  • Posts: 325
Re: Pissed
« Reply #17 on: October 22, 2006, 02:23:48 AM »
That's terrible.  I understand the feeling, I have the same relationship with my relatives...but unfortunately they are the backwood hillbillies that are prolly out skinnin coons.

Still, what sad shape this country is in...Even in the 21st Century people are still ignorant of these issues

Corey

Offline poobear

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  • Posts: 112
Re: Pissed
« Reply #18 on: October 22, 2006, 09:36:13 PM »
I am so sorry for your Familys ignorance.  I have had simalar reactions.  I can not kiss my neice.  My father did not want me to use same towels as the family, had to wrap period pad in a plastic bag before throwing into trash.  They have gotten better but it still is not discussed.  Me and my same sex partner have been together for 10 years and recently diclosed to my parents.. They are not happy yet again not disccused just a big elephant in the room.  I think your family is being very unfair to you and that you and your partner should plan a special day on Thanksgiving and enjoy your day.  It is up to them now.  If BF is not welcomed than neither are you is the way I see it.  I wish you and BF the best.  Much Love Rachel

Offline Eldon

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Re: Pissed
« Reply #19 on: October 22, 2006, 09:47:20 PM »
Hey Biggums,

It is unfortunate that your family has displayed such a response to you regarding the holidays. It appears as though your Grandmother is the mediator with the family. You may want to go and sit down with her face-to-face and explain the in's and out's concerning HIV. It would be very helpful for you as well as the family.

Try to explain so that they can gain an understanding.


Make the BEST of each Day!

Offline Christine

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Re: Pissed
« Reply #20 on: October 23, 2006, 11:14:00 AM »
When I speak of my family, it consists of my biological mother, my husband and the remainder are my best friend's family. Things happened in the past, choices were made, then I chose to be around people who loved and supported me. I made my own family.

Christine
Poz since '93. Currently on Procrit, Azithromax, Pentamidine, Valcyte, Levothyroxine, Zoloft, Epzicom, Prezista, Viread, Norvir, and GS-9137 study drug. As needed: Trazodone, Atavan, Diflucan, Zofran, Hydrocodone, Octreotide

5/30/07 t-cells 9; vl 275,000

Offline jazij1

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Re: Pissed
« Reply #21 on: October 23, 2006, 02:46:03 PM »
now hold up a sec im still at odds with tha statement   skinnin "coons" i hope u mean racoons ! movin on ...

welcome to tha family my fathers a baptist preacher who wrote me a 2 page letter stating that i probably wouldnt have AIDS had it not been for tha life style i chose im a sinner n deserve it! what kind of christain does that make him? .. things that make ya go hummmmmm well thankfully u have other support systems i got a whole brand new family a all white family LOL people even say i look like my mother me n my mom chukkle at that one shes 5'2 n white n me 5'11 n blk LMAO!

Peace! :)
I've spent half my life tryin to get rid of my dick and the rest of my life tryin to get my hands on one!

Peace!

Jazi :-)

Offline Biggums

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  • Posts: 199
Re: Pissed
« Reply #22 on: October 23, 2006, 10:16:33 PM »
Jazi......of course I mean the four footed fellas!  LOL  You are funny.

Thanks everyone for the support.  We have decided to hold our own dinner and invite others from the Island of Misfit Toys.  It will be fun without all the pressure and loathing from the family.  And yeah, this is my new family, you are right.

Peace to you all.
44 year old gay man .......just broke up with the only man I've ever really loved.

You can love completely without complete understanding.

Offline wellington

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  • Posts: 508
  • Don't sweat the little things.
Re: Pissed
« Reply #23 on: October 23, 2006, 10:35:01 PM »
Judgemental Christians like that have there own special hell, Jazi. Don't fret about it.

Sounds like a great plan, Biggums. May it be the first of many happy celebrations. Bon appetite!

Offline megasept

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"Don't Kill Grandma!" Excuses we can all live better without...
« Reply #24 on: October 23, 2006, 10:55:35 PM »
:o As you can see, so many people here have faced similar circumstances. I see a lot have confronted or turned away from bigoted Families. I want to address the few comments to your Post that attempt to excuse the inexcusable. :'(

First, many people do not want to learn about transmission, because that would make it harder to treat us like lepers. Knowing "the other" makes differences disappear. The fact that your Sister died of AIDS in 1991 means members of your Family simply don't care to learn.

Second: Let's clear up this "decent" people thing. "Decent" or "nice family" denotes social class. Decent people stand for something and will sacrifice for others. This has no relation to wealth or education. In fact, since you mention "hillbillies" the West Virginians I have known have practiced more solidarity than all the folks with MAs and PHDs I have known put together. And my heroes really were from the "backwoods" you jokingly denigrate. 

RE: The news could kill Grandma...Each situation is different. But in my Family shielding Grandma from knowing about my sexuality was a foil used to protect prejudice in my and my Parent's generations----I didn't challenge that BS in 1978, but I should have! My Grandmother and my Aunts would have accepted me just as I am and was (two lived long enough to do just that).

My Brother was all concerned about me (HIV+) "being in the same home" with my young nieces...That's pretty common hysteria, and alienating for me of course. But wait...My Brother is an MD!  :o  I figure he wants to be an unloving Brother and a poor excuse for a doctor.

Almost three decades after quietly and respectfully "coming out" to my Parents, they have yet to have an in depth conversation with me concerning living through the AIDS epidemic, or show equal appreciation for my male partners  they show for my Siblings' partners in a string of failed marriages. In fact just a year ago my Mother wanted to know (with no evidence whatsoever) whether I had been molested by a male, ie "turned gay." When my last Partner was hospitalized for 10 months, my Parents needed my instructions to send a single "Get Well" card (he could not be visited nor could he speak on the phone). We thought he would die. When he was finally discharged my Mother said "You know, we have been awfully concerned about him." I said nothing.

I try not to be bitter. In fact, I am quite loving towards my Parents and plan my future in a way that may make their final years a little easier. But glossing over this nonsense does none of us any good. So, my advice to you is act consistently in a manner of self-restraint and self-respect. Just don't think this all OK once some of your anger subsides. I think your instincts seem pretty much right on target. Good luck!
« Last Edit: October 23, 2006, 11:07:43 PM by megasept »

Offline Boo Radley

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Re: Pissed
« Reply #25 on: October 28, 2006, 03:08:55 PM »
If I were you I'd gather a small collection of HIV education pamphlets and mail them to your parents and/or grandmother with a letter explaining your shock and grief over their ignorance.  If they interacted with your sister before she died point out to them that no one caught HIV from her.  Point out that in over 25 years since HIV reared its ugly head there has not been one case of infection caused by casual contact.  Entire families live with an HIV infected person and not one has contracted HIV from towels, drinking glasses, kleenex, toothbrushes, eating utensils, kisses, hugs, or any mode other than very easily defined risk factors.  If they attend a church/temple/whatever you might, depending on what you know about it, discuss the issue with a religious member whom they trust who might be better informed and might help them see the error of their ways.   

In 2006 it's not only sad to see so much ignorance and fear still stigmatizing the HIV infected, it's unforgivable.  I have zero tolerance for such ignorance and IMHO you're better living without contact with such a family as yours unless they get their act together. 

In the early 80s my ignorant bastard ex-brother-in-law didn't want me around my two nieces because I'm gay.  Luckily for me my sister stood up to him and I visited my nieces anyway, usually when he was at work.   It was no hardship not being in his company since he is a quintessential asshole and unpleasant to be around.  god knows what he would have done had my HIV status been known at the time, but my sister and nieces never acted differently after I told them.  I wish you were so lucky.

Best of luck with this awful situation.

Boo 



String up every aristocrat!
Out with the priests and let them live on their fat!





Everything I do, say, think, excrete, secrete, exude, ooze, or write © 2007 Sweet Old Boo, Inc.

Offline alberche

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  • a distancia del mundo incierto, saludo mi suerte
Re: Pissed
« Reply #26 on: October 28, 2006, 04:57:46 PM »
Hiya Biggums!!!

Well, families... Maybe you just wanna try mine, mediterranian type, very representative!!!! Have you seen any of the Fellini's films?

Surrealism, that's the word that defines all this. I have arrived to this conclusion: people is ignorant beacuse they do want to be. No matter what you try to do to educate your family, it is not a problem of lack of education or information, it is a problem of principles, of lack of generosity.

They are inside a cage of ideas and moralisms that prevent them to face their own lifes and choices. They are protected in a group: a social class, a moral class, a religious community, a what-I-am-expected-to-be or to-do kinda of game... that's gives them security, social power, moral confort.

You and your HIV are a problem, a fear, a cathaclism... so they are so scared that they are able to hurt you as much as they can (you are bad, they are good), because they need the protection of their conventionalisms... there's no much you can do about this.

I decided to take my family apart of this. I have enough with trying to keep myself going on. I have some very good friends, and my partner, and I can count with all their support. That's all I need.

Of course this makes me sad  not being possible to share with my parents, to whom I love a lot, such a personal and important issue as having HIV, but that's the way life is. This will be much more painful for me experience their rejection, and, in the end, I think this won't be useful, this won't drive things to any better. They have chosen their ignorance, so what can I do other than protect myself and trying to not too much hurt them?

Anyway, I will be open and receptive to any signal they send to me to talk frankly and with no tricks or nonsenses. That's the best I think I can do for the moment.

Hughs!!

:-)

love is blindness...  a wonderful song!

Offline bear60

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Re: Pissed
« Reply #27 on: October 28, 2006, 05:42:30 PM »
Its tough.  Same thing happened to me but minus the HIV/AIDS issue.  Just for the heck of it...take away the HIV issue and what would they have done?
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline Bartro

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Re: Pissed
« Reply #28 on: October 28, 2006, 07:20:01 PM »
I think some people use the HIV thing just for an excuse to avoid being around gay folks.  Many people feel uncomfortable, for whatever reason, being around same sex couples.  Some might be dealing with Freudian Projection or other issues.  Sounds like they might just be looking for an excuse to exclude...
Rusty

Offline slimbimale

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Re: Pissed
« Reply #29 on: November 02, 2006, 02:44:54 AM »
Sorry to hear this ...I to is blessed with a loving family ...and something similar to this happened to a friend of mine ..I told him if he wanted ..I would invite a Bunch of us that have AIDS and we would show up for dinner ..with are HIV + t-shirts on ..LOL...let me know if I need to make a road trip ...I know it's hard to do ..but I agree with one of the other responces ..Don't give up on them ..just yet ..and if you do ...you have a much larger family here ..prayers going out to you ....Jim
Let Go and Let GOD

Offline Moffie65

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,755
  • Living POZ since 1983
Re: Pissed
« Reply #30 on: November 02, 2006, 08:10:56 AM »
Jim,

It is amazing what we can blame on Jesus, and his camp isn't it?

Just tell them that they should remember that Jesus was incredibly liberal, and wondered around the Middle East with twelve boyfriends, and ate with whores.  Not exactly the "Modern Christian" view of reality is it?

Have a wonderful time with your "Chosen" family.  Usually the one we are birthed with are not worth the effort.

In Love and Support.
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,
and 362 to heterosexuals.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavne

 


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