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Author Topic: Just need a break... but I cannot !  (Read 1009 times)

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Offline Valmont

  • Member
  • Posts: 332
Just need a break... but I cannot !
« on: February 02, 2014, 12:19:47 AM »
Hi people...

It has been a long time I havenīt been here, I imagine it is because thing are good...  and comparatively to many people, they are, but I did not feel very well these last time...

So I moved on 2013 September to Canada, if life here is muuuuuch more quiet that the one I had in Southamerica, Iīm still dealing with a mountain of problems and sometimes, I just want to give up...  I donīt have many people to talk with, my girlfriend is very supportive but she is 6.000 km away and I donīt want to bother her each time we talk...

Sometimes, I just wonder if I took the right decisión in my life...  I mean...  To my 25, everything has been great and the more time is going on, the worth everything is; it is just like if was a matter of time everything to explode to my face, Iīm just fed up...

My TB routinary test at the end of last year went back possitive so I started ISONIASID for 9 months, I should be scared but I am a little...  After HIV, low bone density, now latent TB, what is next?  My sugar is quite high, just above the border....

I havenīt been able to meet and make friend here, Iīm renting a downgound in a house (not bad the house...).....  I get depressed reminding that 10 years ago, I was buying my house in Chile with the fruit of my work...  I lost it some years after when I took the silly decisión to move of country...

Iīm separated for now almost more tan 2 years from my ex wife, but the divorce even does not start because she donīt give the papers to her lawer.  Last year, my ex (a lawer) put me a query and I got blocked for 8 months without job in a country that was not mine, I had to sign an agreement that oblige me to give a very high pension for my son but Iīm just not involved in his education or life, anyway I still have contact but donīt know when Iīll see him again...  I have debt with my father (who donīt know my status and are in Europe), I found a job very quick, but very under what I used to do the last 10 years in a company I did even imagine there were some like that here (I work very hard in very stressy situation with people completely desmotivated, with no intelectual challenge...), Iīm trying to change...  The good is that it allow me to live, the bad, it is that with debt and 30% of my salary that goes outside (and med that are terribly expensive here...  going to med appointment is heel as my hospital is 200 km away), I just donīt see future...  My girlfriend is in southamerica, without paper to come, and as Iīm still officially married, I just cannot do anything to bring her... 

I had problems with my diploms so I had to restart my studies from almost zero (it goes good and quick, but I have no life...), so far Iīm doing it at distance, I donīt meet people that way...

Some days, Iīm just wondering what Iīm doing, if this have sense, I just cannot understand how I had a much more better situation 10 years ago and what has happened then...  If it was not for my father and girldfriend help, I would have been very near the street...

I donīt like to write that way here as I know there are people in situation really muuuch more difficult that mine, but I think I need some support.  I had days, I had really really bad ideas....  I have to stop and rest but I cannot, what can I do????
Apr 2011: Diagnotized
Jun 2011: CD4: 504  VL: 176.000
Dic 2011: CD4: 714  VL: 95.000
May 2012: CD4: 395 VL: 67.000
Jun 2012: CD4: 367
Agu 2012: Starting Emtricitabine 200 mg / Tenofovir 300 mg and Efavirenz 600 mg (2 pills) different brands or VIRADAY/ATRIPLA/Mylan....
Sep 2012: VL: 138
Dic 2012: CD4: 708 VL: <34  %CD4: 32%
Jan 2013: CD4: 707 VL: <20
May 2013: CD4: 945 VL: <34 %CD4: 33%
Agu 2013: CD4: 636 VL: <34 %CD4: 50%
Dic 2013: Latent TB, started Isoniazid

Online Irish Eyes

  • member
  • Member
  • Posts: 244
Re: Just need a break... but I cannot !
« Reply #1 on: February 02, 2014, 02:07:45 AM »
Welcome back.
Like me, I'm sure you'll find many answers and more than enough support here.

I was diagnosed last Christmas and many of my concerns and questions have been quickly answered.

I too had those crazy thoughts, briefly, but I have too many family members and friends to disappoint.

A bientôt
10/30/13          Exposure
Mid-Nov-Jan    Seroconversion (7-8 rough wks)
12.26.2013      WB dx. HIV+
02.01.2014      OraQuick (result Negative?)
01.31.2014      VL 250700
02.03.2014      CD4  491  26%
02.26.2014      CD4  503  26%
03.05.2014      HLA B6701  not present
03.18.2014      VL 530873 (typical fluctuation)
03.21.2014      Start Stribild
04.14.2014      VL 104 after 24 doses
05.12.2014      VL 129 after 52 doses
06.10.2014      CD4 940 32%
06.11.2014      VL 87
07.22.2014      Undetectable

Offline wolfter

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,460
Re: Just need a break... but I cannot !
« Reply #2 on: February 02, 2014, 03:23:16 AM »
Regardless if you feel you situation isn't as bad as others', it is irrelevant at the time your dealing with it. 

This place has been rewarding beyond my wildest dreams.  I started interacting with virtual strangers who have become some of my most cherished friends.  Perhaps interacting here can help with certain aspects of your situation?  Hoping for the best for you. 

Wolfie
Complacency is the enemy.  ;)  Challenge yourself daily for maximum  return on investment.

Offline Theyer

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,496
  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: Just need a break... but I cannot !
« Reply #3 on: February 02, 2014, 06:48:13 AM »
Hello Valmount, welcome back.

It is differcult when going through a differcult time NOT to look back and create a Golden age when all was health, wealth and happiness. Off course at the time it did not exactly feel like that and for a lot off us getting a HIV diagnosis if followed by illness can mean severe financial readjustments ditto relationships.

If i remember correctly Canada was an ambition, therefore the struggle once there will seem extra hard because before it represented hope ,new start etc.Now you are there and dealing with the problems does not mean that the hope has to go its is being tested though . Your present job is clearly a stepping stone allowing you to assess the Canadian work life that you are now competing in.  It sounds like compared to your coworkers you have a lot to offer and there are other jobs out there that will bring more fulfillment.

The Divorce was always going to be very differcult , was it not? for one the religion 2 it is something that your wife can deny you.

You are in a better place for your health needs and there are Canadians posting here who will be in a much position than me to advise re the best choices .

You make no mention about sport.Even if life had turned out to be a commercial for you all happy well people moving from one success to another you would now be facing up to some changes as all athletes must as the body ages. This could also open up new opportunities in your new homeland, training coaching etc.

I am not underestimating the struggle Val , just pointing out the there is never really a golden age , urging you to not concentrate on events you cannot change but urging you to continue to look for the right opportunities for your skills.It is always hard for the new arrival in any country regardless off there health status and Val you have a good C.V. and a determination thinking back will sadly distract you from using your skills to plan and improve the presant.

It has been an almighty struggle and you have achieved much , maybe a period off grief is happening and that is usefull , as long as you do not get stuck in it .

All the Best Val , keep posting
Michael
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline Cojo

  • Member
  • Posts: 193
Re: Just need a break... but I cannot !
« Reply #4 on: February 02, 2014, 06:32:41 PM »
Hey Val
What city are you in? Toronto here
May 2011 - Tested Positive
June 2011 - CD4 330   16%   VL182,000 no resistance
Oct 6, 2011 - CD4 300  20%  VL 60,000
Oct 7, 2011 - start Truvada / Isentress
Nov 29, 2011 CD4 280 26% VL 54
Feb 7 2012 CD4 260 25% UD!
Mar 20 2012 CD4 400 28%
June 2012 CD4 330 26% UD
Sept 2012 CD4 450 32% UD
Dec 2012 CD4 310 28% UD
May 2013 CD4 500 32% UD
Oct 2013 CD4 460 33% UD
May 2014 CD4 360 33% UD

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,458
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Just need a break... but I cannot !
« Reply #5 on: February 02, 2014, 07:10:57 PM »
Curious to know why you moved to Canada.

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Valmont

  • Member
  • Posts: 332
Re: Just need a break... but I cannot !
« Reply #6 on: February 02, 2014, 07:58:45 PM »
Hi, thank you all for your answer and interest...

Iīm 30 km from Ottawa, in Quebec...  Well, I decided to move for another life, it was a project I had before my diagnostic, I did not feel always well in Ecuador in regard to work and it has been difficult to make friends there too, I met people very interested for what they can get from me and not for myself.  Also the situation, the stress, the way of life was veally hard to deal with.  I like Canada because everything here is structured and ordered, people do what they tell you...  Canada or another land, I wanted to get out from Ecuador...  As it it my 4th country, maybe I have to work on something, Mecch, there is something wrong and Iīm not sure moving each 5 years has a sense...

Mmmmm, Iīm not sure I get answer here because I donīt know if I have question...

In regard to sport, Michael, I stopped everything, I also cut with the people from my club...  Thank you for your large post, how are you, it is good to read you.  In regard to Golden Age when all was health, well, it is an interesting way how to see it...    I feel like if I got 20 years more tan I have really, the conversation of the people doesnīt interest me, that I just cannot.....  And yes, my job does not help me, I think Iīm for some more, or for other kind of people...  it is not a matter of money or title, but satisfaction...

I know I have to find a new motivation for life here, maybe I did not plan well that part of the move...

Anyway, it is good to share here...
Apr 2011: Diagnotized
Jun 2011: CD4: 504  VL: 176.000
Dic 2011: CD4: 714  VL: 95.000
May 2012: CD4: 395 VL: 67.000
Jun 2012: CD4: 367
Agu 2012: Starting Emtricitabine 200 mg / Tenofovir 300 mg and Efavirenz 600 mg (2 pills) different brands or VIRADAY/ATRIPLA/Mylan....
Sep 2012: VL: 138
Dic 2012: CD4: 708 VL: <34  %CD4: 32%
Jan 2013: CD4: 707 VL: <20
May 2013: CD4: 945 VL: <34 %CD4: 33%
Agu 2013: CD4: 636 VL: <34 %CD4: 50%
Dic 2013: Latent TB, started Isoniazid

Offline Theyer

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,496
  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: Just need a break... but I cannot !
« Reply #7 on: February 02, 2014, 08:37:09 PM »
Do I have to remind you off the link between exercise and depression Val , it seems so.Many studies point to the beneficial effect exercise plays in conbating depression.

Comments please.

Your current job does not have to the job you stay in for ever.

How is your general health Val , are you still avoiding any illness, I hope so .

You may remember me sharing that there are many sports people in my Family , so I know stopping is not good news, Val . Change there has to be as the body ages but stopping no that is never a good idea for an athlete in any circumstance , you need a physical training program , if I have a walking program plus stretching etc trust me anyone can . Plus you will be missing the camaraderie from a club setting , it does not have to be rugby but it is a shame if this side off your life is being neglected also a waste as there are many youth teams who need trainers etc.

Sorry about the lecture , I do not underestimate how hard things have been , and will be, but unless a lot has changed in physical health for you you have a lot off skills to work with that will benefit you and others. HIV exercises group , hit the local internet Val see whats out there and start a training program now , with in a month you will be noticing difference .

That's it I now retire as bossy grey beard.
Michael

edit to add .  Is my dog not a beauty ? fast as a Greyhound and never tires on a walk/run its a joy to watch such vitality.
« Last Edit: February 02, 2014, 08:41:15 PM by Theyer »
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,458
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Just need a break... but I cannot !
« Reply #8 on: February 02, 2014, 08:50:10 PM »
So Valmont - you've lived in 4 countries? Wow.  If you care to say, what country did you grow up in? 

Is it your job that leads you to move some of those times?  Curiosity and wanderlust?

I moved a lot around Europe for a few years because of a job but it was more like 3 months here, 4 months there, and always with my "home" in one country. I am an expat American in Switzerland now for many years. 

I don't think I would find it easy to move countries every couple of years - one of the biggest challenges is of course - job and financial security.  You dig in one employer, invest, work hard, get promotions and security, why move on...  Also, language barriers.. It takes awhile for an adult to get fluent in a foreign language, usually.  Also, culture.  Some cultures are more welcoming and friendly to outsiders, thats for sure.

Why not plan on staying put in Canada?  Get out and build some social networks.  You need some human contact.

Distance learning is a mixed bag!!!  Its convenient but of course also isolates.  It sounds to me like you need to meet some local people.

Im not sure why, living with HIV, you would move to where medicine is "so expensive"...   Do you have a plan to get affordable health care and medicine in Canada?

(The price of HIV medicine is VERY high in all advanced developed nations...  A lot of people around the world really aren't aware of this.  And mostly everyone in rich countries is on HIV treatment through insurance, be that government or job/private insurance.  Very few people can afford the retail price of HIV treatment in a rich country.  Unless they are shipping in generics from India.  Once we go on HIV treatment, we are all being "subsidised" as it were - the high cost is being spread around.)
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Valmont

  • Member
  • Posts: 332
Re: Just need a break... but I cannot !
« Reply #9 on: February 03, 2014, 10:37:57 PM »
Hi Michael and Mecch...

hehe Mike, youīre dog have nice hears....  and yes, I do remember well our conversations...

The things you say have sense, and I know them, I have to find the way how to make them in application...

I realize that after my diganostic, I started to isolate myself, it like the other people problems donīt interest me, I donīt know, Iīm affraid of being stigmatizaced, being alone means less problems I guess....  Michael, I donīt think Iīm good enouth for training anyone in rugby...  I donīt think I have so terrible problems after all, and it is probably the dark Winter here that makes me feel as I feel...  Iīll be better soon...

Iīm from France, I lived in two countries in Southamerica, and now Canada, Iīm out for a very large time, I always moved by my own, never waited for a company to do the plans for me, I made my opportunities, good ones and bad ones  but just mine...  I always liked to travel a lot and I have a profesión that allows me to work almost anywhere...

How do you feel in Switzerland, Mecch?

Mmmm the decisión to go to Canada in regard to my health condition maybe was not the best, but not the worst too, in Ecuador, meds and doctors are for fre, it is quite easy to see a doctor...  and I could buy some meds for my own because there are Indian generic not so expensive, it was a good decisión because I could get meds for 4 months.  In Canada, I only have Quebec insurance for now, not so bad, but $ 80 a month, I find it afortable anyway...  What I was surprised is how the health system is colapsed, very hard to have a appointment, I did not like much my doc, Iīve just seen her a couple of minutes and go...  dificult to make an objective opinion...  My other doc, in regard to TB is really really great and supportive.  I just donīt understand why developped countries think they are developped in regard to matters like health matters or education, it seems we are going back to 19th century...  I choose a developped country to find other kind of things, better life quality, more culture, things working in a structurated way, mmmmmm....  I sometimes think I should have gone back to Chile, anyway thngs got so bad for me in Ecuador that I havenīt any other choise that going out........  I donīt know....  Canada did not moved me especially, but it seemed a good place for a rest, for a better life...  There are people from everywhere...  Possibilities to get good studies...  Local people are kind, but cold...  I realice how latino I have become...

So in regard to my health, Iīm not bad, but I did take the time to care a lot of myself, still adherent 100%, but in regard to food, sport, stress, mmmmmm...  When things go wrong at work it really gives me such a bad feeling...

I donīt feel Iīm in the right place for now because of job, I really donīt feel confortable there; so I donīt want to bother people, make friends and then go...  Iīm sure Iīll move son, probably within the country...  I miss my girl friend, my son, my family...  I wanted to go to Europe before starting here and travelling here, I had asked visas but things have been quite a little different...  probably Iīll be better when summer will arrive, a matter of time...  sorry for disturbing, but it is good to have this place and your feedback and interest...

Apr 2011: Diagnotized
Jun 2011: CD4: 504  VL: 176.000
Dic 2011: CD4: 714  VL: 95.000
May 2012: CD4: 395 VL: 67.000
Jun 2012: CD4: 367
Agu 2012: Starting Emtricitabine 200 mg / Tenofovir 300 mg and Efavirenz 600 mg (2 pills) different brands or VIRADAY/ATRIPLA/Mylan....
Sep 2012: VL: 138
Dic 2012: CD4: 708 VL: <34  %CD4: 32%
Jan 2013: CD4: 707 VL: <20
May 2013: CD4: 945 VL: <34 %CD4: 33%
Agu 2013: CD4: 636 VL: <34 %CD4: 50%
Dic 2013: Latent TB, started Isoniazid

 


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