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Author Topic: Advice Needed  (Read 2760 times)

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Offline Casinokiwi

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Advice Needed
« on: January 18, 2014, 01:03:24 PM »
Here we go...   I was diagnosed about 18 months ago and I have been casually dating.  When a relationship gets serious, i find something wrong with them so I don't have to go through disclosure...

I have been dating someone and the relationship has gotten very serious and I can't find anything wrong with her.  I have told her that I want to wait a while to have sex because sex has almost always complicated my previous relationships (partial truth - deep down I am also not wanting to disclose).

Last night we came very close to sex and despite what I know about disclosure laws I was ready to go.  When I told her I needed to get a condom she stated "she is allergic to latex and would prefer it without one".  I immediately backed off and it turned into an awkward evening after that.  I was embarrassed but proud that I showed restrain.

I live in a fairly small city and I have an executive position at a conservative company that would be in jeapordy if my status became public knowledge.  The girl I am dating is not a floozy and is very well connected in social circles and is very active in state politics.

I am at a loss.  I think I may love her and I think she loves me but she doesn't know everything.  She has already accepted that I have kids and I cheated on my ex-wife.  The logical side of me says to end the relationship and move on but my heart says I should take a chance that even if the relationship doesn't go any further she will at least not expose my business to everyone.  But I am not convinced. 

Has anyone ever dealt with this decision?  I hate to air my dirty laundry here but these forums were a god send when I first was diagnosed and I look forward to hearing your opinions/thoughts.   
« Last Edit: January 18, 2014, 01:07:18 PM by Casinokiwi »

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2014, 01:22:14 PM »
Although it is an uncomfortable truth the only way onward if you are going to date her or anyone for that matter is to come to terms with your HIV status and disclose at the proper time . There is really no getting around it and if a person does not accept your status then its simply not meant to be or you will at best be dating a person who thinks they know you when they do not and will eventually be a deal breaker .

If your job is more important than having a honest relationship then its your choice to make but honest disclosure comes with the responsibility of dating if you wish it to be more than a one night stand .

If she withheld this information from you how would it make you feel when you found out ? .... I personally would feel compassion and understand why its difficult for a person to have to disclose to me but not so much if they let it go for a long time .

I understand this is a complex dilemma for you but the truths around it are pretty simple .       

Offline mecch

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2014, 01:49:54 PM »
Can you explain why you would worry that a WOMAN (not a girl) you are in love with and care about, and who is returning the vibe, would want to spread your private matters around and potentially hurt your life?  If she ultimately can't deal with a  serodiscordant relationship after you tell her, why would this lead her to vengeful hurtful actions? I think she would know the game since she has her own public integrity to worry about, too, the way you describe her. 

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Ann

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #3 on: January 19, 2014, 08:04:43 AM »
If she's allergic to latex you need to get some polyurethane condoms. One brand I know of is Avanti.

If hiv is a deal-breaker for her and she's in the public eye herself, I very much doubt she'd go blabbing about it due to how it may make her look in some people's eyes.

You've got to tell her. If you two really are right for each other you'll get through it. Good luck and keep us posted.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline watl

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #4 on: January 19, 2014, 09:54:48 AM »
I think she should have been told even before it got to fooling around. Like you, I too am from a small town, and my best guess as to her reaction when you do tell her is that she'll run screaming and flailing as if on fire to her doctor to be tested and your little secret will be out of the bag. Notwithstanding this, an informed decision on her part necessarily requires that she have ALL of the information require to make that decision.

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #5 on: January 19, 2014, 10:07:51 AM »
I think she should have been told even before it got to fooling around. Like you, I too am from a small town, and my best guess as to her reaction when you do tell her is that she'll run screaming and flailing as if on fire to her doctor to be tested and your little secret will be out of the bag. Notwithstanding this, an informed decision on her part necessarily requires that she have ALL of the information require to make that decision.

Out of all the possibilities yours seems the least likely and it illustrates that you are still dealing with coming to terms with the virus yourself . Please do not think Im calling you out because Im not . These are your feelings and no one should make you feel bad for feeling them but I do hope you realize there is room to think about how stigma is effecting you and how you react to it .

I do not mean to hijack the op's thread but I just wanted to point out how dealing with stigma in healthy ways are part of the whole disclosure issue .   

Offline watl

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #6 on: January 19, 2014, 10:22:25 AM »
Unlikely. I am merely giving what I indicated was my best guess as to what her reaction would be. Frankly it would have been my own reaction (and probably even a fair numbers of those in here even) if someone had lured me to third base before deciding that I was due more information. Giving frank advice is about being objective and not, in this case, looking at it solely from the perspective of being hiv positive yourself.

Offline mecch

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #7 on: January 19, 2014, 12:17:25 PM »
Unlikely. I am merely giving what I indicated was my best guess as to what her reaction would be. Frankly it would have been my own reaction (and probably even a fair numbers of those in here even) if someone had lured me to third base before deciding that I was due more information. Giving frank advice is about being objective and not, in this case, looking at it solely from the perspective of being hiv positive yourself.

"Lured" to 3rd base?  The woman in question was willing to go condomless and furthermore, as reported in the scenario, had NOT asked the relative questions beforehand! 

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline watl

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #8 on: January 19, 2014, 01:06:55 PM »
There are more than 7 billion people on the planet and only roughly 50 million are hiv positive. That would mean only .0714 % worldwide. Without doing the math I would think the percentage would be even less here in the United States and be even less than half that 1 half of one percent when looking at the heterosexual population so you'd probably have to forgive her for not thinking much of the possibility given the circumstances. But notwithstanding this, the onus still lay on the one that is positive to disclose in order that she be able to make her own fully informed decision.

Offline bocker3

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #9 on: January 19, 2014, 01:17:01 PM »
But notwithstanding this, the onus still lay on the one that is positive to disclose in order that she be able to make her own fully informed decision.

While I believe that we all have a duty to disclose our status before having sex.  The ONUS actually lies with each person to keep THEMSELVES safe.  If we use your logic, we will NEVER see an end to the transmission of this virus.  If everyone is expecting a positive person to disclose, in order to make a "fully informed decision", then people who don't know their status will not be able to help someone be "fully informed", thus leading to another infection IF their partner DECIDES to have unsafe sex.
End of hijack.

To the OP -- honesty is the basis for a solid relationship.  If that is what you want with this lady, then you need to disclose soon.  Honestly, no one knows what her reaction will be.  It will be whatever it is.  You can choose to push her away, or you can choose to take a chance here. 

Good luck with whatever you decide.
Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
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Offline watl

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #10 on: January 19, 2014, 01:49:37 PM »
This conversation really has nothing to do with those that are not aware of their status. Obviously one can not be held to any standard of disclosure if he of she isn't even aware. Instead, this conversation is about one having information the other does not and the inherent unfairness in not disclosing that information timely.

Offline bocker3

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #11 on: January 19, 2014, 03:43:57 PM »
This conversation really has nothing to do with those that are not aware of their status. Obviously one can not be held to any standard of disclosure if he of she isn't even aware. Instead, this conversation is about one having information the other does not and the inherent unfairness in not disclosing that information timely.

I fully agree that we should disclose.  However, you stated that the ONUS is on us -- it is not.  The ONUS is on everyone to ensure their own safety.  If everyone thinks that the onus falls to the positive person, then negative folks start thinking that it is "OK" to forgo condoms if someone says they are negative (no one truly knows that if they are sexually active) or, if they say nothing.  Ultimately, the negative person has ALL the responsibility to remain negative in their own hands.  That is the point I am making.
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
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Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2013 691/31% <20

Offline watl

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #12 on: January 19, 2014, 05:30:10 PM »
I have understood the point you are trying to make and I agree with it. We are all responsible for protecting ourselves. But this conversation is about more than that; it's about having all of the information necessary to make the decision as to how best to protect ourselves. For some disclosure might mean no physical contact at all with an hiv positive person. Others might insist on using protection. And still others might be comfortable using none. If disclosure hasn't occurred by the time that choice need be made, the relationship is not truly one of consent, as that necessarily requires having a clear appreciation and understanding of the facts, and the implications and consequences of ones choice.

Offline klassykitty

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #13 on: January 19, 2014, 06:26:53 PM »
How long have you been going with her?

If it has been awhile and since you guys have decided that it is serious I would be more pissed that you did not tell me sooner than I would be with the diagnosis. 

 Get some non-latex ones for her, or rather you.  If you are worried about the outrageous price of them go to your local planned parenthood they usually have them free or very, very low cost.  Check your doctors also I get mine for free from there.

I agree with everyone else in the thinking that she would disclose anything that would jeopardize her status. 

Lastly do you really want to keep hijacking relationships for the rest of your life? 

Michelle 8)
How to handle stress like a dog:
If you can't eat it or play with it.....
then pee on it and walk away

Diagnosed 01-20-2011
01-23  CD4 32    VL 125,400
02-18        76     VL 189
03-14  no cd4 test done   VL-52
04-14   69  VL-UNDECTABLE  YEA!!
05-26   50  whoopsy  
06-27   71        %-7
08-15   64 WTF %-9 
10-16  80         %7  
2012  CD4  %Thing   VL-UD
01-18  87    7
04-18  93    8  
07-16  151  8         
10-18  83    9    VL-70
2013   CD4   %thing       VL-UD
01-28  121     9
04-24  148    11   
07-25  157    11   
10-22  185    13
2014   CD-4  %thing   VL-UD
02-07 201 YEA!!!!!!  12
06-03  205      12

Offline emeraldize

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #14 on: January 19, 2014, 11:55:59 PM »
If you're fortunate it may be your only disclosure. Or it will be the one that stung a bit. You've described an intelligent, passionate woman and now you will find out how compassionate and open-minded. Practice what you're going to say and know that we 're all in the gallery rooting for you.

Offline Casinokiwi

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #15 on: January 21, 2014, 09:56:04 PM »
I appreciate all the comments.  I would not have posted my quandry if I thought the issue was black and white. 

We have known each other for about 8 months but we have only been seeing each other for three weeks.  I don't feel like I have lured her into a trap.  I am protecting myself and my family by trying to qualify the integrity of an individual and the possiblity of a long term relationship before I disclose. 

I am not at this point of my life looking for a piece of ass or something to play with - That is what got me in trouble in the first place.  If I told everyone i wanted to date up front that I had HIV before I went out with them - I would damage both my reputation and my kids reputation so my formula may be selfish but has worked up until now.  I like to get to know someone well enough before disclosure.  Most times the relationship has no merit so i never have to disclose because it never goes that far.  This relationship has struck as fast as lightning and it is different and I am scared to be rejected and publicly humiliated.  I am fully aware this is my fault. 

I am not looking for sympathy rather some stories from others on similar situations and how they turned out.  I have never and will never have sex with somebody without disclosing.  I w awfully close to it but luckily things took a different turn of events. 

As you all know disclosure is not easy.  I would love to hear some disclosure stories (good and bad) and also what philosophy others take with disclosure. 

Thanks again!   This board really is an awesome resource and tool. 

Offline Casinokiwi

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #16 on: January 21, 2014, 10:02:29 PM »
Klassykitty,
What do you mean by "do I really want to keep hijacking relationships for the rest of my life"?

Offline Joe K

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #17 on: January 21, 2014, 10:31:18 PM »
While I understand the potential consequences of disclosure when starting a relationship, I am always disappointed that the elephant in the room is never discussed.  If you wish to have an honest and trusting relationship with another person, you need to treat them just as you would have them treat you.  This entails making yourself vulnerable, usually on more than one issue, but it is a price you should gladly afford, because without honesty, what will you ever have?

I am not judging your decisions on disclosure, as I am not you, however, I do believe you need to think of the other person, as being equal with her own rights and responsibilities.  You sound more like you are interviewing someone for a job, rather than as a potential partner.  So many of your questions are geared solely for your own protection, with little thought as to what she might "need" as well as "deserve."

Personally, I do not think you are comfortable enough, with your status, to be entering a relationship with someone else.  There is no "I" or "me", in "US" and right now, you are all about "me."  You are so afraid of what might happen to you, by disclosing and until you resolve that issue, I do not believe you are ready to be honest with another person about your status.

You seem to fear your status being know, more than you fear being dishonest to someone you claim to have significant feelings towards.

Joe

Offline Casinokiwi

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #18 on: January 21, 2014, 11:41:44 PM »
You may be right joe.  It is pretty good insight from you.  I am certainly not comfortable with the diagnosis and not sure I will ever be. 

Offline Jmarksto

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #19 on: January 22, 2014, 12:26:35 AM »
While I understand the potential consequences of disclosure when starting a relationship, I am always disappointed that the elephant in the room is never discussed.  If you wish to have an honest and trusting relationship with another person, you need to treat them just as you would have them treat you.  This entails making yourself vulnerable, usually on more than one issue, but it is a price you should gladly afford, because without honesty, what will you ever have?

I am not judging your decisions on disclosure, as I am not you, however, I do believe you need to think of the other person, as being equal with her own rights and responsibilities.  You sound more like you are interviewing someone for a job, rather than as a potential partner.  So many of your questions are geared solely for your own protection, with little thought as to what she might "need" as well as "deserve."

Personally, I do not think you are comfortable enough, with your status, to be entering a relationship with someone else.  There is no "I" or "me", in "US" and right now, you are all about "me."  You are so afraid of what might happen to you, by disclosing and until you resolve that issue, I do not believe you are ready to be honest with another person about your status.

You seem to fear your status being know, more than you fear being dishonest to someone you claim to have significant feelings towards.

Joe

Wow...this strikes me as overly tough love.  I think everything in here is right in theory and absolute terms - but we don't live in theory and absolutes.

We create and build relationships in steps and stages - we don't reveal everything all at once. Has she revealed all of her medical/family history?  Do you fully understand each others financial history/situation?  I don't think not disclosing within three weeks (without a transmission risk), and being concerned about the potential consequences of disclosure, means you aren't ready to have a relationship.

In fact - congratulations to you Casino for putting yourself out there enough to be in this position - how many people avoid getting this far into a relationship because they are HIV+?

I am in the gallery with Emeraldize,

JM

03/15/12 Negative
06/15/12 Positive
07/11/12 CD4 790          VL 4,000
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11/06/12 CD4   819/41% VL 38
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Offline mecch

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #20 on: January 22, 2014, 07:58:45 AM »
Maybe we should discuss bias and discrimination and financial security.

I put myself in your shoes and I see a tremendously stressful situation with no easy answers.

It seems you fear for your job if your HIV status was known.  Thats completely understandable fear!  Have you investigated the facts about that - if you have any protections, etc.?

So - basically - HIDE, FIGHT, OR FLIGHT.

Hide status, keep as much security as possible, though don't know if hiding (and losing access to things because of the hiding) really is necessary - too many stakeholders... would I lose my job? Lose out in other ares of life - avoid a new relationship due to required disclosure and then fear of gossip or bad bitter breakups down the road.

Fight - dont run around the small conservative town with a scarlet HIV+ letter and shouting from the rooftops.  But live ones life and get what is normally available - a new love which requires disclosure, and deal with any possible downsides, if and when they occur.

Flight - get a job in a non-conservative company and/or move to a place where one's HIV+ status isn't going to pose a problem.  IF, IF, that knowledge were made public to this employer.   But, these are tough economic times.  Add to that, its never easy to imagine leaving a well paying job or changing careers midstream.  Plus there are kids involved.  Want to stay close to kids and also kids need the current money to continue... etc etc.

Flight might be overkill and unnecessary.
Hide is soul-killing.
Fight is the way to go but armed with knowledge and conviction and strategy?
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline RapidRod

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #21 on: January 22, 2014, 08:10:12 AM »
While I understand the potential consequences of disclosure when starting a relationship, I am always disappointed that the elephant in the room is never discussed.  If you wish to have an honest and trusting relationship with another person, you need to treat them just as you would have them treat you.  This entails making yourself vulnerable, usually on more than one issue, but it is a price you should gladly afford, because without honesty, what will you ever have?

I am not judging your decisions on disclosure, as I am not you, however, I do believe you need to think of the other person, as being equal with her own rights and responsibilities.  You sound more like you are interviewing someone for a job, rather than as a potential partner.  So many of your questions are geared solely for your own protection, with little thought as to what she might "need" as well as "deserve."

Personally, I do not think you are comfortable enough, with your status, to be entering a relationship with someone else.  There is no "I" or "me", in "US" and right now, you are all about "me."  You are so afraid of what might happen to you, by disclosing and until you resolve that issue, I do not believe you are ready to be honest with another person about your status.

You seem to fear your status being know, more than you fear being dishonest to someone you claim to have significant feelings towards.

Joe
I totally agree with your statement and observation and I see that the OP understood also.

Offline Ann

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #22 on: January 22, 2014, 10:46:01 AM »
Casino, have you considered trying to feel her out about hiv in general? You could put it to her by maybe saying you know someone who is hiv positive who is a really great guy and see how she reacts.

Personally, I'm very much out of the hiv closet. I live on a small island where everyone either knows each other, or knows of each other. It tends to be a very conservative place for the most part, but I've never had any real problems in relation to being openly hiv positive.

I was diagnosed as part of a "cluster" of infections. A few of us are open about our status and nobody blinks an eye - however those of us from this cluster who try to hide their status are the ones who are whispered about.

I've found that being confident about being poz - meaning I'm not ashamed of my status, I do not worry about it impacting my reputation, and I very much come from a place of "it could be you too" in my attitude - makes people see past the virus and see me for who I really am, and who I was before my diagnosis, and who I will be in the future. I'm seen as strong and honest.

A lot of how people take the news of my hiv status has to do with my own attitude towards my status. I've watched other people who are ashamed about their status convey the news in a frightened, apologetic, ashamed way and they are the people who tend to get more negative reactions. Body language and attitude are everything when disclosing.

You have to keep in mind that everyone who has ever had unprotected anal or vaginal intercourse at some point in their life has been at risk for hiv positive, and could be hiv positive and not even know it if they're not in the habit of regular testing.

We're only human and we've done what pretty much every sexually active person on the planet has done - had sex without a condom. It's nothing to be ashamed about. In fact, if people didn't have sex without condoms, none of us would even be here.

I refused to be ashamed or hide something that has come about as a direct result of my being human. If someone can't handle my status, that's their problem and I don't want them in my life anyway.

Hiding our status implies that a virus is cause for shame, and it invites people to treat us accordingly. If more of us were to come out of the closet, people would start to understand that it could be them too; we're no different to them. This can only lead to compassion and understanding and go a long way to ending - or at least slowing down - this pandemic.

It's just like the growing acceptance of the gay community. The increasing legalisation of same-sex marriage would never have happened if people didn't come out of the closet. We've got to do the same if we want to see the end of discrimination. The more we hide, the more we have to hide.

Casino, I hope what I've written helps you in some small way. Good luck.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline gavelkind

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #23 on: January 26, 2014, 11:59:10 AM »
While I understand the potential consequences of disclosure when starting a relationship, I am always disappointed that the elephant in the room is never discussed.  If you wish to have an honest and trusting relationship with another person, you need to treat them just as you would have them treat you.  This entails making yourself vulnerable, usually on more than one issue, but it is a price you should gladly afford, because without honesty, what will you ever have?

I am not judging your decisions on disclosure, as I am not you, however, I do believe you need to think of the other person, as being equal with her own rights and responsibilities.  You sound more like you are interviewing someone for a job, rather than as a potential partner.  So many of your questions are geared solely for your own protection, with little thought as to what she might "need" as well as "deserve."

Personally, I do not think you are comfortable enough, with your status, to be entering a relationship with someone else.  There is no "I" or "me", in "US" and right now, you are all about "me."  You are so afraid of what might happen to you, by disclosing and until you resolve that issue, I do not believe you are ready to be honest with another person about your status.

You seem to fear your status being know, more than you fear being dishonest to someone you claim to have significant feelings towards.

Joe

I think you're being way too hard. IMO, Casino is obviously uncomfortable with disclosing, which is a flaw but not one I think requires him to be banned from having a relationship. By your judgment, anyone with any type of insecurity should be banned from relationships. Or is this the only insecurity that gets such judgment? Some people have easier times disclosing then others do. Some have less to lose then others. Others would be losing the only things keeping them afloat. Yet you're judging those who don't have your same strengths. I don't get why we get to harshly judge those who don't have as an easy of a time, regardless of whether they are being paranoid or being cautious. Sorry if I'm projecting. You remind me of this guy I was interested in a while back. We met on an app where he announced his status on his profile. He looked down on me because I didn't post mine. Geez sorry not all of us are A+ examples right off the bat. I get that judgmental feeling from lots of positive people who already have had years dealing with these issues. I guess it's the same way that I would view a closet-case who lives in NYC. Like, what the f is holding you back? Catch up already you paranoid nut!

I do think Casino is being more paranoid and then he is being cautious, but bashing him over these feelings (and those like him) isn't going to help him (or others) move on. He needs to overcome these feelings but just because you're not hitting a home run every time, doesn't mean you shouldn't play. This is a weakness, he also has strengths.

I don't know Casino, most likely she'll subtly freak out and pull away on a friendly, respectable, and ladylike basis (she sounds classy!). There's also a small chance that this will be what brings you closer together and she'll get the opportunity to fall for the 100% real you. There's also a small chance she'll freak out, go away, gossip about it with a bf, and then the uncaring bf spreads it like wildfire. Good luck.
« Last Edit: January 26, 2014, 12:01:16 PM by gavelkind »
2/13- Diagnosed
3/13- CD4,  885/39%   VL, 135,542
5/13- CD4,  867/46%   VL, 553
6/13- CD4,  720/42%   VL, 32
7/13- CD4,  1095/36%  VL, <20
10/13- CD4, 884/47%   VL, 42
1/14- CD4,  1165/48%  VL, 31
2/14- CD4,  1214/46%  VL, <20
5/14- CD4,  1715/49%  VL, <20

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #24 on: January 26, 2014, 12:15:01 PM »
There is no getting around the fact that if you want to date a person you must disclose in a timely manner . Almost every single person who lives with HIV struggles with the disclosure issue and the stigma that surrounds it at some time in the journey .

Its not judgmental to use straight talk when discussing the responsibility's of disclosure now that you have HIV . All us have been there and the vast majority of us arrive at the same conclusion eventually . Its a matter of time and acceptance of the fact that you are now HIV positive and things are forever changed when it comes to the dating / relationship dynamic .   
 

Offline bocker3

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #25 on: January 26, 2014, 03:17:02 PM »
Wow...this strikes me as overly tough love.  I think everything in here is right in theory and absolute terms - but we don't live in theory and absolutes.

I think you're being way too hard. IMO, 

did you bother to read Casinokiwi's response to Joe's post before you went off admonishing him?
Here - let me help you:

You may be right joe.  It is pretty good insight from you.  I am certainly not comfortable with the diagnosis and not sure I will ever be. 

Guess Joe's word hit home for him!

Straight talk is often very helpful in leading someone to look at something from a slightly different angle.  Sometimes something seems harsh because of where your head is at, when really, all that is being done is someone giving sound advice -- often from real experience.

Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
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Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2013 691/31% <20

Offline Joe K

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #26 on: January 27, 2014, 11:18:23 AM »
I think you're being way too hard. IMO, Casino is obviously uncomfortable with disclosing, which is a flaw but not one I think requires him to be banned from having a relationship. By your judgment, anyone with any type of insecurity should be banned from relationships. Or is this the only insecurity that gets such judgment? Some people have easier times disclosing then others do. Some have less to lose then others. Others would be losing the only things keeping them afloat. Yet you're judging those who don't have your same strengths. I don't get why we get to harshly judge those who don't have as an easy of a time, regardless of whether they are being paranoid or being cautious. Sorry if I'm projecting. You remind me of this guy I was interested in a while back. We met on an app where he announced his status on his profile. He looked down on me because I didn't post mine. Geez sorry not all of us are A+ examples right off the bat. I get that judgmental feeling from lots of positive people who already have had years dealing with these issues. I guess it's the same way that I would view a closet-case who lives in NYC. Like, what the f is holding you back? Catch up already you paranoid nut!

I do think Casino is being more paranoid and then he is being cautious, but bashing him over these feelings (and those like him) isn't going to help him (or others) move on. He needs to overcome these feelings but just because you're not hitting a home run every time, doesn't mean you shouldn't play. This is a weakness, he also has strengths.

I don't know Casino, most likely she'll subtly freak out and pull away on a friendly, respectable, and ladylike basis (she sounds classy!). There's also a small chance that this will be what brings you closer together and she'll get the opportunity to fall for the 100% real you. There's also a small chance she'll freak out, go away, gossip about it with a bf, and then the uncaring bf spreads it like wildfire. Good luck.

Hey Gavelkind,

I would be more interested in your criticism of my advice, if you were not so busy claiming things that I never said.  Nowhere did I use the word "ban", nor did I infer that Casinokiwi should never have a relationship, rather I attempted to point to the issues he may face, in this particular relationship.

Maybe, if you were not so busy projecting your own insecurities, into what I shared, you could see the reality of what I suggested.  But instead of accepting that there may be some truth in what I offered, you are more interested in degrading me, by comparing me to some trick you met online.  While it may be unfortunate, that you obviously have your own issues regarding disclosure, do not ever demean what I offer any member, simply because of your own insecurities.

Joe

Offline zach

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #27 on: January 27, 2014, 01:07:01 PM »
a man in atlanta was recently convicted of "reckless hiv" (sounded bogus) for having sex with a woman, she is and remains negative. his sentencing is still to come. there is more to the story, but that nutshell is accurate
gonna go up to the mountain, for to find a little peace
looking over the valley, for the beauty i see
out across the hills, forevermore

Offline Ann

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #28 on: January 27, 2014, 01:19:29 PM »
a man in atlanta was recently convicted of "reckless hiv" (sounded bogus) for having sex with a woman, she is and remains negative. his sentencing is still to come. there is more to the story, but that nutshell is accurate

Link please.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Joe K

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Offline Casinokiwi

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #30 on: February 05, 2014, 10:28:59 PM »
All,
Thanks for the advice.   I wanted to share some updates with all of you. 

I did some should searching based on your feedback and realized that I wanted an honest relationship not based on lies.  Last week I disclosed my HIV status to my girlfriend and I held my breath as I expected the worse. 

To say she was shocked would be an understatement.  She cried and asked a lot of questions before she leaned over to give me a passionate kiss.  She told me she was falling for me and she was scared but I was worth trying to figure this out.   We are meeting with my doctor on Friday.  She can get the straight talk she deserves from him and I am glad my doctor is willing to meet with her and I. 

She also stated that she understands the sensitivity and stigma and that even if it didn't work out she would never share any of this.  She did say that if we worked out she may need an outlet and would at some point with my approval tell her best friend.  She has proven to be very classy!

I know I caught a lot of flack for not disclosing before or on my first date and maybe the ones who advocated for that are right.  If I am ever presented with the situation again I will have some serious thinking but for now I am focused on making this work. 

I appreciate all of you and your feedback.  It has helped me a ton!

Regards


Offline 0608

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #31 on: February 06, 2014, 01:24:38 AM »
Wow, she sounds really (for the lack of a better word that my brain can come up with at the moment) COOL!!! :)  I hope things work out for the very best for both of you.

P.S.  Maybe another member can chime in with more info about this, but aren't there condoms that are made of non-latex materials (and are safe)?  With her being allergic to latex, that will be something the two of you might want to look into down the line.
« Last Edit: February 06, 2014, 01:26:46 AM by 0608 »

Offline Joe K

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #32 on: February 06, 2014, 02:26:15 AM »
P.S.  Maybe another member can chime in with more info about this, but aren't there condoms that are made of non-latex materials (and are safe)?  With her being allergic to latex, that will be something the two of you might want to look into down the line.

Polyurethane condoms are latex free.  Most major condom manufacturers make condoms that are latex-free as well.

Joe

Offline Joe K

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #33 on: February 06, 2014, 02:32:40 AM »
All,
Thanks for the advice.   I wanted to share some updates with all of you. 

I did some should searching based on your feedback and realized that I wanted an honest relationship not based on lies.  Last week I disclosed my HIV status to my girlfriend and I held my breath as I expected the worse. 

To say she was shocked would be an understatement.  She cried and asked a lot of questions before she leaned over to give me a passionate kiss.  She told me she was falling for me and she was scared but I was worth trying to figure this out.   We are meeting with my doctor on Friday.  She can get the straight talk she deserves from him and I am glad my doctor is willing to meet with her and I. 

She also stated that she understands the sensitivity and stigma and that even if it didn't work out she would never share any of this.  She did say that if we worked out she may need an outlet and would at some point with my approval tell her best friend.  She has proven to be very classy!

I know I caught a lot of flack for not disclosing before or on my first date and maybe the ones who advocated for that are right.  If I am ever presented with the situation again I will have some serious thinking but for now I am focused on making this work. 

I appreciate all of you and your feedback.  It has helped me a ton!

Regards

I am so pleased to read how this is turning out for you and you should be very proud of how you have handled this disclosure.  That's the hard part about disclosure, it can be very easy to "conceptualize" what it entails, but until you actually have to do it, you just can't understand how complicated it can be.  It is one of those facets about being poz that we each must discover for ourselves.

I would encourage to invite this special person to join the forums here, as she can post her questions/concerns in the Someone I Care About forum.  It also takes some of the load off of you, as she can gain knowledge and share her feelings with others just like her and you.

Joe

Offline Ann

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #34 on: February 06, 2014, 10:43:46 AM »
That's fantastic news, Casino! Thank you so much for sharing this update with us. Far too often all we ever hear about here are the disclosures that don't go well

It's usually either that, or we hear from people who are absolutely terrified of disclosure at and do/say all they can to dissuade others from disclosure as well.

Again, thank you so very much for sharing your positive disclosure experience. Wishing you all the best for this relationship going forward. :)
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Jmarksto

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #35 on: February 06, 2014, 06:08:45 PM »
Hey Casino;  I'd also like to thank you for sharing the news.  I have been wondering how things were going for you -- a big congratulations to you and the best to the two of you moving forward.

JM
03/15/12 Negative
06/15/12 Positive
07/11/12 CD4 790          VL 4,000
08/06/12 CD4 816/38%   VL 49,300
08/20/12 Started Complera
11/06/12 CD4   819/41% VL 38
02/11/13 CD4   935/41% VL UD
06/06/13 CD4   816/41% VL UD
10/28/13 CD4 1131/45%  VL 25
02/25/14 CD4   792/37%  VL UD
07/09/14 CD4 1004/39%   VL UD

Offline Theyer

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #36 on: February 07, 2014, 01:59:56 PM »
I am so pleased with the woman's reaction she has my vote for coolest lady at that moment in the world award. Please present her with it.

And much congrats to you Sir, wonderful example off what it really means to "man-up "

What ever happens for you both you have gained much.Many thanks , your honesty, bravery created an excellent thread.

Enjoy
m
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #37 on: February 07, 2014, 04:02:39 PM »
This is a wonderful refreshing end to a disclosure thread . Thanks for the uplifting update .

Offline le_liseur

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #38 on: February 07, 2014, 06:15:59 PM »
This is great, happy for both of you! :)

It really tells a lot about her when she told you she would need at one point to have an onlet. Have a discussion with her on what it represents to you when you disclose to someone so thay she takes the time to think about who she wants to disclose your status to. My partner had to do it to two friends that I also know now, and it did help him a lot at the beginning (to have someone else he knows he can talk about it to) :)

Hope all goes as good in the future with you and her! :)

Offline emeraldize

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Re: Advice Needed
« Reply #39 on: February 08, 2014, 02:18:17 AM »
Great news.  I love a good disclosure story.

 


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