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Author Topic: Lost, confused, and all alone... and please ignore my spelling and type-os  (Read 1485 times)

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Offline Krissy87

  • Member
  • Posts: 24
Dec. 16th, 2013 should have been one of the happiest days of my life. But it wasn't...

Here is a little back story. Ever since I lost my V-card 12 years ago, I loved sex. I have had sex with over 30 men and women. I have always used condoms with the men. Well, all but two and those two men fathered my children after years of being together. Also, living the life I decided to live I knew how important it was to get tested regularlyfor STDs and HIV so, twice a year for 12 years I have been tested, unless I was involved in a high risk situation, then I would get tested to make sure everything was okay...

This brings us to November 2013... After a very long night at work I came home and got into a fight with my bf at the time. I ended up packing my car and moving back to my moms. Two weeks later, I started to hear roumers that he had been running around on me while I was carrying his child. I called and confronted him about this. Of course, he said this was not true, he stuck with his story of only being with me and one other person... Well, out of anger I told him I was getting tested the next week. As any mother knows they do a test for HIV within the first few month of being with child. My test in May was negative, also I was tested in Sept 2012 because (even though we used condoms) I was with someone other than the man I truely wanted to spend my life with. That test was negative as well.

Now, it is Dec. 16th and after not hearing anything from my OB/GYN I thought everything was okay and this would be just another check up. Boy was I wrong! When he came in, he shook my hand, asked how I was feeling and sat down. He looked at me, and said "I've got some bad news" I thought he was just going to say my blood presure was to high and we had to go ahead and take the baby, so I asked.... "No, it's not that. You're HIV posative. I couldn't belive it myself, so I had them redo the test. And I'm sorry but they confirmerd it." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How could this happen... He said he was going to give me some time, and then he would be back so they could check my blood presure again because it waks so high. Well, a little while later I wasj rushed to labor and delivery beucause with news like that my BP was 157/123. I texted my unborn childs father and told him the baby was coming and we needed to talk before he was born. He eventually showed up, by that time they were starting the second bag of IV meds to protect the baby. It was very akward being around him, we hadn't been together for almost a month, we could barely talk without fighting. But, I loved him and now I had to tell him this. He didn't yell, he did't cuss, he didn't leave me there all alone. I thought mayne everything would be okay... Once again, I couldn't have been more wrong. He held my hand while I got my c-section and they tied my tubes. He had tears in his eyes when he held our son. I knew I would love this man for the rest of my life.

They took me to recovery and that is when my world started to fall apart all over again. "I have to tell you something. Don't yell, but there is one person I have to tell. I have to tell someone I slept with after you left."... It was her, the girl everyone said he was with while we were together, but he swears they waited until I left. He was there for me im the hopital, so I gave our son his name. He drove us home from the hospital, and left as soon as we got here. I cried.

Two days later he came and took the baby. He said he didn't want to be around me. I cried until my son came home. The next day I was rushimg my son to the hospital for not eating. They said he was depressed and should have never been taken from me so soon. On the way home, I called him so I wouldn't fall asleep driving. He kindly (lol) informed me that whem we had gotten back together the year before I was nothimg but a "booty call" and that he didn't even want to be with me whem I was preganat. I was crushed, we didn't talk for a day. Now, fast forward to the 30th. There were a few more spats but for the most part we were getting along better than we had. I still loved him.

I met him early on the 30th, so we could take our son to his first HIV appointment. Consiring where we were going and what we were going threw we got along really well. It was like it was when we first started dating almost five years ago. All that changed. After getting hopeful news about our son, on the way home he decided he needed to make a phone call. Now, I understand his new "friend" was scared but honestly did he need to call her when he was with us? I respected him enough to walk away and let them talk, but after 15 min that was enough, he wasn't showing any respect to the mother of his child, to the woman who was still in love with him. Finally we got back in the car. A few miles down the road he asked "so, if she's clean, and I turn up clean and we end up together, what's gonna happen?"... I honestly lost it. Later that night I could no longer hold myself together at all. I wanted answers, I needed answers from them both. As a mother, who has been done wrong, how could she do this to me? Her response "Just cause you were preganat didn't mean anything and two adults can sleep with who ever they want" his answer "I'm not in love with you anymore"... He only met this girl because he started selling pills to her. He would sit at home with me and talk junk about her. Then he started hanging out at her work. I told him I trusted them, he wouldn't cheat and she would never do me like that knowing what she had been threw. That is when he started pulling away from me, I saw him less, talked to him less but I loved him.

I have now known that I am POZ for a little over two weeks. He is more supportave of his new "friend" than me. He has not helped with his son, he has only come to see him three times, every other time I have taken him over there. When he does come here he has no cell service and can not talk to her. That is when we start to get along and I think it scares him. He just sent me a text "not that you care but shes clean". I do care, I am glad she doesn't have to go threw this.

I can not tell anyone about this. I have now been told by four doctors that I was infexted between May and December. He is the only person I have to talk to, but 90% of the time he can not even act like a friemd to me. I can not tell my family, I am a single mother with two xhildren from two men, they already look down on me. I have no friends to talk to, I pushed everyone away when I was with him. And yes, I still love him.

I am so lost, and confused. I know I can live a pretty normal life. Bit honestly, once I am ready to start dateing again it is going to be hard enough just have two kids. Add to that i am now poz... How could anyone ever want me ?

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,945
Hello and welcome to the forums.  My name is Betty and I have been poz for over 20 years.  I have been married within that period of time, and have had a couple relationships after being divorced.  So, having relationships again (and sex) is possible.

I would encourage you to get some talk therapy to figure out why you believe you should be with a man who has made it clear he does not want to be with you, and pursue the relationship in spite of that.  Also,  you do not have to take your son to see him, that's up to him if he wants to see your son, to get over there himself.  I believe you are holding on to something that is not there, and you need to be rid of this whole situation.  So, I would start with therapy.  I myself have been through therapy, and if you find a good therapist, it really does help.

Second, I would concentrate on your son and other child, instead of this man.  It is early in your children's lives, and they need you.  Don't let the unrealistic dream you have of being with this man negatively affect your parenting. 

Third, as stated above, it is possible to have another relationship, including sex, after being diagnosed.  I know it may not seem like it now, but as you get more comfortable with your diagnosis, you will realize that being HIV+ should not stop someone wishing to have these things.  You may also need some therapy to get comfortable with your diagnosis, and quit feeling ashamed.  Then, once you get more comfortable with your diagnosis, and realize your own self worth, you will move forward in life and pursue a career you would truly like to be employed in.  Trust me, I know. 

I encourage you to continue to post here, and let us help you through this as we can.  Good luck, and please get some help.

Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,348
Hi and welcome.

Betty has given you some good advice and feedback.

Take your time. Be good to yourself.

Eat healthfully and get enough sleep and take walks with your kids--often.

You first, kids second, family, friends and a man will fall in line.

I write 'you first' because if you aren't in good shape you won't have enough energy or focus that your kids require.

Get calm.

Em

Offline Krissy87

  • Member
  • Posts: 24
Thank you both for the advice. I have a case manager coming out this Thursday to help me get on the right track. I would say idk why I want to be with him when he clearly does not want to be with me. But it's simple, I love him despite of everything and I know he can be a wonderful man and father. He has just got lost somewhere along the way and I pray he finds his way back to where he needs to be, before it is to late. One of the main reasons I do take the kids to his house is so his mother can see them. Even though he is not my 5 year olds "father" that is daddy and grandma (its all he has ever known). I love his mother to death a lot of times she is the only person I have to talk to. Unlike most mothers she doesnt sit there and say her son does no wrong, she is just as confused and almost as upset about his actions as me. A lot of times I wish I could tell her about my new poz stat just so I had someone to talk to, but I know she wont understand and she wouldnt keep it to herself.
I go to the ID clenic for the first time at the end of the month. I am really scared. I havent been able to sleep like I should because I have basicly no help with the new baby. I cant eat, I am either to depressed to eat or when I do I am so stressed I get sick. I just dont know what to do anymore.

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,945
Krissy, I hope you have a case manager that's able to help you get on the right track.  Now, some observations:

You are close to his mom because that is your tie to him.  I know, been there.  As long as you have his mom, you believe in some way, you still have him, or a chance again with him.  Well, you don't. 

Now, about loving him...it's OK that you love him.  But DON'T PUT UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS ON THIS SITUATION.  He is not interested in you, at least not now, and you need to accept this and move on.  Your kids don't need to believe in "someday our dreams will come true lalalala."  What they need is a mother who is there for him, and not chasing after someone she cannot have. 

Please get therapy.  You need a good, qualified therapist to assist you in getting back in touch with yourself, learn how to live a life focused on you, your health, and your kids.  You need this desperately.  I can tell you that a lot of the reason you're not eating nor sleeping isn't just because of the baby-it's because you have these unrealistic expectations of this dead relationship becoming alive again; as long as you believe this, you will continue with no appetite, lack of sleep etc. 

So, my advice to you is to get help.  And we're here.  I'm not a bitch, I'm really not.  But, I am tired of seeing young, capable, intelligent women, going after, or holding onto, the thought of a man that they will never have, or chasing the man himself without giving consideration to her own health.  Go find a therapist, learn how to love yourself again, pamper yourself, talk about all your issues, and eventually, it will get better.  Take it from someone who's been there.  I'm here, ok?

Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Krissy87

  • Member
  • Posts: 24
I would never call you a bitch for what you said. Its how you feel and you're trying to help someone in need. Therapy is defantly on the list of things to talk about Thursady. I spoke with my case manager on the phone she seemed nice enough and was refered by my sons social worker.

I am trying to pull away from him as much as it hurts. One thing I dont do is talk about him infront of my oldest unless he asks about him. I can see why you would think I am using his mom to hold on to him but thats not what I am trying to do. His mom was the only support I had for a long time since I am not close with my family (they dont aprove of my past or my children). For years I have gone to talk to her.

 


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