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Author Topic: How To Deal With Negativity On Dating/Hookup Sites.  (Read 2838 times)

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Offline RobbyR

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How To Deal With Negativity On Dating/Hookup Sites.
« on: December 22, 2013, 05:02:54 PM »
I'm sure this topic has been discussed before, but I'd like some fresh input. I'm wondering how some of you navigate the dating scene being poz & all. Like right now, I am not necessarily looking for anything serious, maybe just some friends or friends with benefits. I don't live in a large city like New York or San Fran, where there are plenty of poz guys to go around, I live in a mid-sized city where there is huge stigma about poz guys, especially from other gays. I have had profiles on adam4adam, and bbrts, which is geared towards poz & poz-friendly guys. I have always states my status on my profile, in hopes that it would weed out the ones who wouldn't be interested anyways..But, sometimes I get harassing messages, from guys who tell me how dare you be on this site, they tell me to get lost or something..Or I just flat out don't get any hits at all.

One or two guys told me to not list my status on my profile and only disclose it in the course of conversation, because it's really noone's business anyway unless they're going to sleep with me, in which case I always disclose because I feel obligated to and would want someone to do same for me. Ideally it would be good to find other poz guys who are not strung out on drugs or totally insane, which unfortunately seem like few and far between.

So I've tried not listing my status, on sites like adam4adam, which by the way, many guys do not have a status listed either..But still get no hits, and I still get harassing messages telling me they hope I die of aids or something, or they'll say, I'm going to report you because poz guys should not be having sex.

And, my profile pics aren't that risque either. So what can I do to get more responses? Should I just list my status & hope some nice poz guys hit me up? Or leave my status blank until I start chatting with a fun guy I think has potential. Thanks for any responses I appreciate them, just need advice.

I see some of my friends who are poz and they tell me they have great sex lives & dating lives, so how come I am having so much trouble finding guys to talk to me on these sites? It's kind of sad how much stigma there still is about hiv, it's like people still think you can touch them or give them a blow job & you'll get HIV, to say nothing of the concept of undetectable viral loads! One would think it was still 1987 on some days!
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline buginme2

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Re: How To Deal With Negativity On Dating/Hookup Sites.
« Reply #1 on: December 22, 2013, 05:22:12 PM »
Why are people so heavily invested in what others think about them online?  Online is a horrible way to meet people.  Do you really think someone would tell you to die in person?  If it's bothering you the way you are being treated online then you'll need to stop that interaction.  People are assholes online (the anonymity of it creates extreme rudeness). 

I go back to the traditional way of meeting friends and or sex tricks.   Go to a bar, have a drink, relax, play some pool, listen to some music, smoke a j outside, smile at the cute guy, start up a convo, and fuck like rabbits.
Don't be fancy, just get dancey

Offline RobbyR

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Re: How To Deal With Negativity On Dating/Hookup Sites.
« Reply #2 on: December 22, 2013, 05:32:35 PM »
I agree with your points, you make some very good ones. Sort of like how everyone now texts instead of calling so they think they can be dicks & get away with it, but the online thing is so inherently anonymous, that it's set up for assholes to always come out on top. Totally agree with you there.

I don't care what others think of me, and of course its often the ones who have no pictures who dish out the most verbal abuse, which proves your point! I simply hate the bars, it's not my style much, I have anxiety issues so it's hard for me to go that route sometimes, & it seems SO clicky that unless your friends of other's friends, & kiss ass, people won't talk to you. And that's SO not my style, I refuse to brown nose other people.

And it's hard to just randomly start talking to someone in real life too, what if they aren't gay to start with? Let alone poz?

I'd like to try the traditional way..Just highly skeptical I guess. Wish there was a bar or something for just poz guys so it would be easier lol.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline buginme2

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Re: How To Deal With Negativity On Dating/Hookup Sites.
« Reply #3 on: December 22, 2013, 07:10:48 PM »
I'm really not a huge fan of gay bars myself.  I haven't been to one in years.  However, I didn't mean just gay bars. 

Are there social groups or circles that you can join that relate to your job or career.  Where I work there are "young professional" groups, and other groups that meet out for drinks after work and have other activities (not at gay places). 

Are you into any sports?  The gays love their sports, gay rugby is my favorite.  I don't play but I have a friend that's on the local gay rugby team and they are always having events when they play during the summer.  They are fun, non scene, and tons hot gay rugby players...what could be better.

I'm really not trying to downplay what your saying, nor do I disagree that gay bars can be a place many people don't want to go to (like I said, I haven't been in years) but there are social things to do to meet people.  It can be hard to get started, especially if you have anxiety (which I also understand, I haven't mentioned it on this site before, but I was recently diagnosed with general anxiety disorder...yay another disorder to add to my collection). 

I just urge you not to get holed up on the internet, especially on sites like a4a or bbrts.  They are not healthy physically or emotionally.  You asks how do you deal with the negativity online...well..you don't go online.  If your addicted to online sex (which happens its serious) get some help not saying you are but maybe someone else reading is, you can work through it.
« Last Edit: December 22, 2013, 07:13:52 PM by buginme2 »
Don't be fancy, just get dancey

Offline RobbyR

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Re: How To Deal With Negativity On Dating/Hookup Sites.
« Reply #4 on: December 22, 2013, 07:27:48 PM »
Buginme, thanks a lot for the advice, it's like you could tell what was going on my head & articulated in a way that I can understand! Some of the best advice anyone's given me lately actually. I am seeing a therapist, and due to my ongoing mental health issues I have been unemployed for a while so have been keeping pretty much to myself. But I am hoping to start getting back out there more & more if the meds keep helping me more.

Right now since I'm still not really back into the swing of things I am not really into much social things, my goals for the coming year though are simple, to become fully and gainfully employed, to make real friends, & become involved somehow in activities that I can be at ease in and not worry about being judged.

It's taking the first steps thats's so hard, I have Bipolar I and while the meds help, the slightest thing can make me want to totally withdraw. For years I have been using the internet hookup sites to avoid any real human contact, other than meaningless sex, which I know isn't healthy. I've touched on this with my therapist, and plan on trying to address it more.

I really want to live a full life where I can know people & they can accept me for me not on how ripped I am, and besides, even though I am a lanky skinny guy, I know lots of guys out there find those types attractive, just as many like other types. But yeah, it's so easy for the guys online to only care about superficial stuff.

I am going to make it my goal to not be too hung up on adam or bbrts I know it's not healthy. I have been doing better with it, I had to tell myself when to turn them off.

Thanks again for the really great clear advice, it's like you knew what I needed to hear.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: How To Deal With Negativity On Dating/Hookup Sites.
« Reply #5 on: December 22, 2013, 08:49:34 PM »
BBRTS - just let it all hang out. Are you getting nasty messages about being HIV+ on that site?  strange....
Adam4Adam - Well you say you live in a conservative place. I would suggest, especially if your face pictures are in your profile, you don't put HIV+, if this is leading to a fair amount of bullying. 
Just ignore the bullies, there isn't much else you can do. You are saving yourself time and hassle just not engaging when anyone writes something nasty to you. You don't know these people and you don't want to...

Also some lack of success maybe the profile and not especially the HIV status.  I would also suggest you work on your profile and pictures to see if they are likely to attract the kind of people you want to attract. Can you run it by an acquaintance or friend and ask for opinion? 

I did this recently with an old fuck-buddy and we both discovered things about our own profile we hadn't noticed or thought through, on our own.

A few smiling faces, real smiles, always is appealing. A picture of you doing something you love doing.  avoid selfies!  One soulful look or bed room eyes. IF you have nude pics don't put them in public, save them to send during the chat.  No headess torsos on the home page.

Simple light honest statements and give no shade on others, no judgements, and for heavens to betsy, never a long list of criteria for your potential partner. 

Brevity and a smile, honesty, and ignoring trolls!  This still gets me laid from online hookups.
« Last Edit: December 22, 2013, 08:52:49 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline tednlou2

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Re: How To Deal With Negativity On Dating/Hookup Sites.
« Reply #6 on: December 23, 2013, 01:28:14 AM »
The internet is often a cruel place, regardless of the site.  You can post a video of puppies on YouTube and get comments you should die or you're a "fag."  When you're poz and get responses like that, it can obviously hurt so much worse.  There are so many, who seem to get off on being mean and cruel.  I'm sure they sit behind their computer all day and don't have much of a life-- I mean a life of compassion and where they probably cannot find friends who would put up with them. 

I would also bet many of these "die of AIDS guys" and "poz guys shouldn't be having sex" have no idea what their status is, with many engaging in bb sex thinking they are fine, because some guy said he was neg.  Just like with many things in life, many will lash out at what they fear about themselves.  But, it sounds like you're not allowing them to affect you much.  That's good. 

Offline vertigo

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Re: How To Deal With Negativity On Dating/Hookup Sites.
« Reply #7 on: December 23, 2013, 02:51:16 AM »
The online world is a weird place.  I thought so way back in the days of the old AOL m4m chatrooms, and still do.  You have so little information to go by.  Pretty much anyone can come up with at least one fuckable photo of themselves, and those who can't will steal someone else's.  And you're missing the interaction you get in person, at a bar or elsewhere -- the click you get when there's sexual chemistry, or the flatline when there isn't.  Unless you live someplace where there's NO gay life, it seems like an inefficient way to meet people.

However, now that I've been all judgey-judgey, I will say that the phone apps can be fun for cruising hot photos or a little long-distance cyber (with guys you'll never actually have to run into).  My unscientific survey is that Grindr is the least poz-friendly.  You see a lot of "ddf" and "neg u b 2", as well as a whole fresh-out-of-the-closet vibe that can be tiresome.  With Scruff, on the other hand, I see a lot of guys who are very open about their status.

Am also surprised you attracted such a group of haters on bbrts.  I thought most of the guys on there were either poz or poz-friendly?  I guess at least the trolls have shown their colors early, though that doesn't make it any more fun.

Also agree that if you aren't getting many hits, maybe need to look at your marketing.  Save the status info for private chat, if it goes that far.  Just like with a bar hookup, reel in the cute ones with your attractive qualities first, then disclose second.  Some may walk away … but men are pretty predictably horny, and there's normally some fun to be had, particularly if you project a confident, self-assured vibe.

« Last Edit: December 23, 2013, 03:01:25 AM by vertigo »

Offline RobbyR

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Re: How To Deal With Negativity On Dating/Hookup Sites.
« Reply #8 on: December 24, 2013, 04:13:19 PM »
I just don't know what to do. Every guy needs a little loving now and then. I've changed my pics, I've tried listing my status & not listing it. Nothing. All the guys say, "be ddf". And I get hardly any hits regardless, except from creepy 300-pound plus really really old men. It's like I have this invisible scarlet letter on me or something, nobody on the chat sites will hit me up or respond to me.
Started Atripla August, 2010.

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: How To Deal With Negativity On Dating/Hookup Sites.
« Reply #9 on: December 25, 2013, 04:47:17 PM »
Are there any people on BBRTS listed in your vicinity? And no hits there?
As for the other sites, where you have NO success to your liking, I highly suggest you step back and develop another plan of action. You're probably going to have to go out in the real work and talk up people, bat your eyelashes, be drole or nice or sexy or hard-to-get, or whatever has worked in the past for you.  Just check into the sites now and then to see if there are any nibbles, but basically develop a new game plan. I won't sugarcoat it, it sounds like choosing between two or more disagreeable options, but if you have hit a wall with the online sites, don't bruise your forehead any longer.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Lou-ah-vull

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Re: How To Deal With Negativity On Dating/Hookup Sites.
« Reply #10 on: December 26, 2013, 03:19:39 PM »
I have long been offended by the language on these sites but have finally taught myself to "reframe" my response to the hostility.  The key is to avoid "internalizing" the hateful language.  This means taking a conscious step to realize the other person is completely responsible for the language...they don't know you...they really aren't communicating with you (even in a PM or chat) In fact, the hostile language is a "dead giveaway" that they are poorly dealing with their own internal demons.  An extra step toward healing happens when you can actually feel some empathy and compassion for someone who has so much internal hatred and disgust (almost certainly about their own sexuality...and who knows, perhaps their status) that they try so obviously to project it onto others.

In Louisville, we have someone on BBRT who has in block letters "negative only" and "no BB ever!"  It so startling that it is funny and of course pathetic.  I am finally able to feel sorry for such an unhappy and unhinged person.

All the other advice is good too...  meet real people, be yourself...and give yourself time to adjust to this "new reality" in your life.  After seven years, going on eight, still adjusting here!

Happy Holidays,
Diagnosed Oct. 2005
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