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Got the news 3 days ago

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So I was tested 2 years ago when I had a strange bump on my penis, and negative.  We just recently moved, and I had to find a new doctor.  Decided to go with a gay doctor since we moved to "a big city".   Went ahead and had a full blood panel done (including STD/HIV testing) since it had been a while.  Background:  I'm 39 years old, have been sexually active for 19 years, and have pretty much always had unprotected sex (despite "knowing better").  I met my partner in 2006.  We moved in together the end of 2006, and were exclusive.  In 2011, due to a job change with a long distance, we mutually decided to have an open relationship.  Fast forward to this year...we finally move across the country so we can have a "normal" life again.  Relationship remains open, as it works for us..but not really as necessary as before.  Stupid a new town, I had to check out the "scene" and engaged in careless unsafe sex.  When I got my results the other day, I just had to lay down..I felt like all of the blood had been drained from my body.  I was numb...and really didn't hear much of what the doctor said after she gave me my results.  I now assume that the follow up blood work I had that day was to do the Western Blot and to determine VL and CD4 levels.  I have a follow up appointment January 20th.  I was going crazy, until I found this site.  I cannot thank each of you that has posted and responded to others posts enough.  I have found so many answers to so many questions, along with calming so many fears and confirming many feelings I have.  So...again, thank all of you for being here, for all of us!

You can't know for sure until you get wb confirmation.
If you are HIV+, that will be a pity but as you see reading this forum, its manageable enough and life goes on.

Some of your post is about your sexual history and practices being at odds with your knowledge about safer sex.

I am sorry you have to go through this shocking period.  I was HIV neg for 25 years and many of those years I had an HIV test and was always a little bit apprehensive so I was always aware of the risk. Also had HIV+ friends and boyfriends along the way. Also that little thing called the AIDS crisis when so many people were dying. So yeah diagnosis was a shock but in another way, I could remember I was always living and screwing in a world where this virus is present.  It helped me to take some distance, composure and rationality, and downplay all the flooding fears and emotions, existential questions, and remember its simply a virus and doesn't have ANYTHING especially articulate to say about who I am, or how I lived my life, or how I had sex.

People make all kinds of decisions around sex and some of them provide rewards and some of them unwanted consequences.   

mecch-thanks for your reply and thoughts.  I always knew I was taking a risk, and I guess somehow in my mind, knew this would end up being a reality.  Of course I don't know the results of the WB yet, but given the way I've felt, and an "unexplained" illness 4 months ago (flu-like symptoms, fatigue, sore throat, diarrhea, etc.), I am expecting a + result, and have begun to "accept" that as a reality already.  According to my last HIV test in 2011, by "reactive" rate was less than 1, and this test was 4 or 5.  Again, so much of my conversation (unfortunately) with the doctor that day is a blur. 

When I go for my follow up appointment on Jan. 20th, my partner is going with help me understand, ask questions, and just for general support.  I am extremely fortunate to have a very wonderful and supportive man, that I love very much.  He is the only one I've discussed this with (and here of course), and at this point plan to keep it that way.

Hi minatl and welcome to the boards.  Sounds like you are dong a good job adjusting to the dx.  It takes some time, at least for most of us.  You are fortunate to have a supportive partner.  It often doesn't work out that way.

Just curious, since you live in the US and I assume are seeing a private physician, why the long wait for the follow-up visit?  You should be able to get WB, VL, CD4 all back within a week.  Genotyping will take a little longer, but this is all pretty standard.  Not trying to make you nervous -- you're going to be fine regardless -- but you're going to get to know your doctor pretty well, and want the best standard of care available.  Unless you're using the public healthcare system, that's not a one-month wait for a follow-up on an initial poz result.  Or perhaps all this is already in progress and your next visit is to discuss results?

Best wishes and keep us posted with how you're doing, both physically and emotionally.

Vertigo - I do remember her saying she was doing genotyping.  So I supposed she is waiting until everything is back?  It's possible with the Holidays, things could take longer?  I am going to call the office tomorrow and see if I can speak to her, to clarify things.  The doctors office I go to is strictly ID, although I see the Physicians Assistant rather than the doctor.  This doctor has been featured in various articles and is highly regarded, so I feel fairly confident in the ability of my care providers. 

I am very fortunate to have a level headed and supportive partner.  I know things could get rough, but will all be ok and the new "normal".  Thanks for your thoughts and wisdom!


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