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Author Topic: Dating :)  (Read 1762 times)

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Offline scared2b

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Dating :)
« on: December 14, 2013, 05:59:00 PM »
Hey guys,

Is there a place to find other positive men. I haven't been in a relationship since my diagnosis and I want to have one and start my own family :)

do u guys know of any? thxx

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Dating :)
« Reply #1 on: December 14, 2013, 07:22:31 PM »
I wasn't sure if you were male/gay or female/straight but your old posts indicate that you are a gay male living in Toronto, one of the largest metro areas in North America. What efforts have your previously engaged in to find a partner that wants to raise children that haven't worked out? Are you restricting yourself to on line sources or do you want to meet someone in a natural setting?

Definitely starting out with the aim of having a family will complicate things in my opinion but I guess if you're specific in an on-line profile that you are HIV+ and that's what you want then why would that not be an option? Or are you not wishing to openly disclose in a profile that you are HIV+? You really need to give forum members more information.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline scared2b

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Re: Dating :)
« Reply #2 on: December 14, 2013, 07:28:09 PM »
sure.
well you're right. i'm a guy, i've never had an issue dating and LD relationships and still don't have any problems meeting people that are interested in me. but there is no way i'll be able to tell them about my status, and so that has been an issue for me. i'm not in Toronto, although that's where I grew up.

as for having children and etc, those things maybe in the future lol i'm def not ready for that yet. but i wanted to know if you guys know of any per haps online formats to meet others like myself.

so yea, thanks :)

Offline Ann

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Re: Dating :)
« Reply #3 on: December 15, 2013, 08:23:26 AM »
Google "hiv dating sites". Look in the grey navigation bars at the top of any forum page and join "POZ Personals".  Beware of people hitting you up on any dating sites who want to scam you for money, but otherwise, good luck.
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Offline mecch

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Re: Dating :)
« Reply #4 on: December 15, 2013, 08:43:57 AM »
sure.
well you're right. i'm a guy, i've never had an issue dating and LD relationships and still don't have any problems meeting people that are interested in me. but there is no way i'll be able to tell them about my status, and so that has been an issue for me. i'm not in Toronto, although that's where I grew up.

as for having children and etc, those things maybe in the future lol i'm def not ready for that yet. but i wanted to know if you guys know of any per haps online formats to meet others like myself.

so yea, thanks :)
I'm confused.  You want to have a relationship and family with a man, or a woman?
And when you say "there is no way I'll be able to tell them about my status" - you used the verb "will" so I am really confused.  You want to have a relationship without disclosure? Have a family?   

Or did you mean, up to now, you don't know how/ don't dare to disclose to a potential partner.
ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Dating :)
« Reply #5 on: December 15, 2013, 09:50:14 AM »
Basically I think it's near impossible to adhere to a statement such as "there is no way i'll be able to tell them about my status, and so that has been an issue for me" and expect to date, meaning dating with the intention of a relationship. The best you can hope for is some covert action in a bath house (with a condom used, of course).
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline Buckmark

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Re: Dating :)
« Reply #6 on: December 15, 2013, 10:10:00 AM »
In my experience, pozzies generally take 2 approaches to dating.  Some only date other pozzies, so they don't have to worry about infecting their partner, and also have (at least) one thing in common with them.  Others feel that is too limiting, and date whomever they want. 

In both cases you have to disclose, so start practicing.  I suppose that on a HIV+ dating site that poz personals, it is assumed you are HIV+ (though I see plenty of HIV- guys there too).  The more you disclose, the easier it gets.  It separates the wheat from the chaff, so to speak, and gets rid of those with irrational fears of HIV+ folks before you invest too much in the relationship.

Also, there is no need to be apologetic when you disclose.  You have nothing to be ashamed of.  I think being apologetic shows a lack of confidence, which is not attractive.



"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Dating :)
« Reply #7 on: December 15, 2013, 11:10:36 AM »
The way I look at it, "x" % of gay men are HIV+ so when you disclose if the other person has encountered this issue previously then they're not very out of the closet. Now, this goes for gay folks living in metro areas, but if you use the census definitions of metro areas then 80% of US residents live in one of some size. I agree that views within gay communities differ wildly for metro areas in different regions of the country. But all things being unequal if you're going to have HIV for the rest of your life thinking you can go through it with anything approaching a normal life without disclosing your HIV status when dating is about the most unrealistic thing I have heard.

People say you need to grow a thick skin, but I always assume if you are gay and out of the closet you must already have a somewhat thick skin, so it's not like you don't already possess some of the tools deep down. Sure, it's not exactly the same but it's not all that different either.

Heterosexual positive people don't have that benefit in general, so consider yourself fortunate. Yes, there are gay assholes who stigmatize HIV+ people, generally confined to the internet because it's anonymous. I'm old enough to have dealt with HIV and dating before the internet so I feel safe in saying that in person it's a wildly different story. At most the other person will be polite and say that they appreciate your honesty and candor about disclosure but don't feel that they are comfortable dating you. Now, is that really much worse than someone rejecting you because you dress bad or are losing your hair or any other number of reasons gay men reject each other? It seems worse when you're newly diagnosed, but after the first time it happens (and it will) you learn to shrug it off like when you were 22 and you gave a guy at a club your phone number and he never called you the following week.

There are just as many gay men that will look at you after you disclose and ask why you got so nervous -- that it's far from the first time someone said this to them and/or that they've had relationships with positive guys previously. It's not like the infection rate in gay communities is 3%. It's much, much larger. The problem is that 3/4 of them seem to hide everything.
« Last Edit: December 15, 2013, 11:12:46 AM by Miss Philicia »
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline scared2b

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Re: Dating :)
« Reply #8 on: December 15, 2013, 12:06:25 PM »
I think its hilarious that no matter what I end up saying on this forum, there are certain people who start assuming and analyzing words lol.

Thanks ANN for your suggestions :)


And, what I meant to say is that I can't be disclosing it to people whom I dont know. so that's why I wanted to know if there is a place or medium to find others who are positive so I can meet them without having to disclose myself to the world. Of course i will tell the person i'm going to be with and i want him to also be positive, it's more simple that way.

now lets see what else some of you find to argue over lol. funny peeps.

Offline wolfter

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Re: Dating :)
« Reply #9 on: December 15, 2013, 01:14:51 PM »
I saw nothing argumentative about anything that was conveyed.  All I saw were people taking the time to share well thought out responses.  I guess it's better to be condescending than grateful.

And if you really think this was argumentative, then you've not really interacted here much. :o

Wolfie
productivity breeds content

Offline scared2b

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Re: Dating :)
« Reply #10 on: December 15, 2013, 01:19:59 PM »
Lol

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Dating :)
« Reply #11 on: December 15, 2013, 01:55:43 PM »
excellent rebuttal
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline Habersham

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Re: Dating :)
« Reply #12 on: December 15, 2013, 03:14:21 PM »
I saw nothing argumentative about anything that was conveyed.  All I saw were people taking the time to share well thought out responses.  I guess it's better to be condescending than grateful.

And if you really think this was argumentative, then you've not really interacted here much. :o

Wolfie

Here I go again - but honestly? from what I've seen Miss P is perfectly capable of defending her own viewpoint and doesn't need a minimod to intercede on her behalf.

Because I Can

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Dating :)
« Reply #13 on: December 15, 2013, 05:24:22 PM »
Here I go again - but honestly? from what I've seen Miss P is perfectly capable of defending her own viewpoint and doesn't need a minimod to intercede on her behalf.



Honestly I ignored the OP's comments aimed vaguely at me, as I didn't see anything wrong with my initial commentary. Funny peeps & stuff++
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline scared2b

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Re: Dating :)
« Reply #14 on: December 15, 2013, 05:30:21 PM »
Please don't assume that I was talking about you. If I wanted to mention you, I could have just named you. I was saying in general people like to pick a word or two out of a simple question and go on about lecturing using made up statistics if needed.

What's the point?!

All I asked was if there was a place to meet other poz and Ann simply answered that.

The rest of the comments were just honestly unnecessary... And it continues...


Offline mecch

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Re: Dating :)
« Reply #15 on: December 15, 2013, 07:04:36 PM »
I am the one who posed the question about the "will" in you statement on disclosure. And I asked it neutrally with no judgement because it wasn't clear. I couldn't even tell if you are are looking for a man or a woman to start a family.
Then a few people jumped in after me and started discussing the hypothetical that maybe you wouldn't disclose.  Before you had the opportunity to clarify. Which was maybe a bit unfortunate. But sort of the nature of non-live communication on blogs likes this.
All the best.
ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

Offline wolfter

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Re: Dating :)
« Reply #16 on: December 15, 2013, 07:45:02 PM »
Here I go again - but honestly? from what I've seen Miss P is perfectly capable of defending her own viewpoint and doesn't need a minimod to intercede on her behalf.

And then you turn around and do the same thing?  Interceding on her behalf?  I wasn't even sure who the op was referring to. 
productivity breeds content

Offline Joe K

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Re: Dating :)
« Reply #17 on: December 15, 2013, 07:54:01 PM »
... All I asked was if there was a place to meet other poz and Ann simply answered that.

The rest of the comments were just honestly unnecessary... And it continues...

Maybe you could start each of your posts with a disclaimer, outlining exactly what responses are permitted.

Joe
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Offline harleymc

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Re: Dating :)
« Reply #18 on: December 21, 2013, 08:11:14 PM »
As long as you don't disclose your online name you'll be fine dating.

Offline le_liseur

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Re: Dating :)
« Reply #19 on: December 22, 2013, 12:22:14 AM »
Hi scared2b,

Are you in Canada now? I remember that when I was also thinking of only dating other poz guys, dating websites like poz.com didn't really have that much people from my town (Montreal ; tho they had more from Toronto or Vancouver, probably because of the language settings).

I participated to a HIV youth group a few times, but I think it has stopped. I remember it was organized with the help of ACCM (http://accmontreal.org/), so I'm sure they have other group activities and such where you might meet people if you're in that part of the country. :)

On another note, even tho I know and understand this is not what you are looking for (now), don't close the door to the idea of dating HIV- guys. It has worked for me after a period of thinking I could/should only date people with the same sero status. Sometime, you just end up realizing you can just date whoever again without having to sero-sort, and they could be positive, negative. I hope all goes well with you. :)

Offline Since2005

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Re: Dating :)
« Reply #20 on: December 26, 2013, 11:11:19 PM »
I have started to go on using online dating sites for the first time in my life! Well, I sorta came out to others about my sexuality and my status at the same time. So, I really haven't used online dating site much before.

From what I have experienced is that dating pool is limited for poz people (I am mainly talking about gay community). There arenít lots of people to date from if you are only choosing exclusively to date other poz guys. I, as of now, only want to date poz people so I don't have to to deal with sero-discordant relationship scenarios though this type of relationship has worked for others.

I would be lying if I didn't admit the fact that how smaller portion of gay population enlist themselves to poz site verses non-poz /neg sites. So, that's a bummer. That's when I get the feeling of "I wish I wasn't...Ē Dating is probably the most affected area being poz in my book. Well, as someone was saying you eventually learn how to shrug it off but that I guess, comes with time. In the mean time, feeling the sense of loss is evidently there. But, we all can move on. My only need or want about online poz dating site is that I wish there were more people joining in though as I said I wasn't there myself years back. Hopefully, more people will be comfortable to put their pic and profile there and it will be more successful for us pozzies.

All in all, good luck to ones who are getting dates from the sites. Besides online dating site, other options will be I think SIN (strength in Numbers), Poz social network groups etc.

Cheers.

Offline Dan0

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Re: Dating :)
« Reply #21 on: December 27, 2013, 01:10:47 AM »


From what I have experienced is that dating pool is limited for poz people (I am mainly talking about gay community). There arenít lots of people to date from if you are only choosing exclusively to date other poz guys. I, as of now, only want to date poz people so I don't have to to deal with sero-discordant relationship scenarios though this type of relationship has worked for

I think that the 'pool' you're looking at is a bit larger than the data you can mine from these sites. Not all, but a significant number of guys *gasp* lie about their status in their profile. For any number of reasons - not judging - they chose to omit or embellish. In most cases, they're probably not looking for a long-term relationship trolling on Scruff, Growlr, or any of the other ones. The ones that do put it out front and center just come off as self-assured and confident (which are two of the sexiest attributes a man can have!).  So, unless you want to go hang out in your doctors waiting room the only way you'll find out is to use the old fashion way....communicate....with something more personable than a mouse and modem.
"Drink your milk and take your meds!"

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Offline Hellraiser

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Re: Dating :)
« Reply #22 on: December 27, 2013, 07:58:35 PM »
I disclose my HIV status before meeting someone for the most part.  If I don't do it then, then I will do it after a first date.  Very rarely have I gotten an adverse reaction in the former case and never in the latter.  I live in a backwoods ass part of the country so I expect more of the stigma and ignorance here than I would elsewhere, but most people are fine with it.  Everyone appreciates the honesty and more to the point this is a piece of you that you cannot change so if someone truly has an issue with it there's not much you can do to change their mind, move on and find someone not completely ignorant where HIV is concerned.  Don't be so timid, it's really not as bad as you think it is.

Offline scared2b

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Re: Dating :)
« Reply #23 on: December 27, 2013, 08:07:50 PM »
Thanks for the support and suggestions.

But I didn't seek help about tips on how to and why I should meet negative people and to disclose my status.   I only asked if you know of a place to meet and date other positive guys. it is my choice that I'd like to meet someone who is going through the same. If you've chosen otherwise, more power to you :)

Thanks!

Offline Hellraiser

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Re: Dating :)
« Reply #24 on: December 27, 2013, 08:09:04 PM »
Thanks for the support and suggestions.

But I didn't seek help about tips on how to and why I should meet negative people and to disclose my status.   I only asked if you know of a place to meet and date other positive guys. it is my choice that I'd like to meet someone who is going through the same. If you've chosen otherwise, more power to you :)

Thanks!

In that case, look for positive service groups and positive specific dating sites.  Very easy to find.  Good luck.

Offline scared2b

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Re: Dating :)
« Reply #25 on: December 27, 2013, 08:10:51 PM »
Thanks. I found a couple since my first post. But been so busy, hadn't the chance to use any yet lol. Thanks a lot for your post btw, it was very encouraging :)

Offline Since2005

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Re: Dating :)
« Reply #26 on: December 27, 2013, 11:22:53 PM »
I think that the 'pool' you're looking at is a bit larger than the data you can mine from these sites. Not all, but a significant number of guys *gasp* lie about their status in their profile. For any number of reasons - not judging - they chose to omit or embellish. In most cases, they're probably not looking for a long-term relationship trolling on Scruff, Growlr, or any of the other ones. The ones that do put it out front and center just come off as self-assured and confident (which are two of the sexiest attributes a man can have!).  So, unless you want to go hang out in your doctors waiting room the only way you'll find out is to use the old fashion way....communicate....with something more personable than a mouse and modem.

When I said online dating sites, I meant online poz specific dating sites. I don't see a lot of poz people there. I wish there were more people! May be, its not a good comparison to make between poz and non-poz specific site, but, I have noticed that pool is significantly less in poz specific sites comparing to non-poz specific site. Of course, there more negs than pozzies, but, I believe it has more to do with pozzies not getting enlisted as much to the poz specific dating site.

 


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