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Author Topic: Sex With A "Regular"  (Read 1576 times)

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Offline cicero

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Sex With A "Regular"
« on: December 12, 2013, 10:33:55 PM »
In the past couple of weeks I've had sex twice, me as top using condoms, with someone I had protected sex with several times before becoming HIV+. The urge had finally returned.

This is the only sex I've had since I was diagnosed in early August. I told him about my status and he was okay with it, even after I asked multiple times "are you SURE?" He is much younger though "legal" of course. The most recent time, he also performed oral sex without a condom briefly which was a bad move to allow on my part.

I have feelings of guilt now. I never want to infect anyone, that is my goal. Can anyone relate? Do any of you without monogamous partners have personal rules about only being sexual with other HIV+ people?
"How could this happen to lovely me?" -Jacqueline Susann

Offline harleymc

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Re: Sex With A "Regular"
« Reply #1 on: December 12, 2013, 10:51:45 PM »
Why are you feeling guilty? You disclosed. You did safe sex.

You're sounding like we live in a world without lots of effective treatment options. Give your partner some credit for having a mind and making informed decisions.

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Sex With A "Regular"
« Reply #2 on: December 12, 2013, 11:21:56 PM »
I don't understand why you feel guilty about anything you did. Can you explain?
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline tednlou2

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Re: Sex With A "Regular"
« Reply #3 on: December 13, 2013, 12:16:39 AM »
You shouldn't feel guilty.  You disclosed.  Now, what's this "legal" thing?

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Sex With A "Regular"
« Reply #4 on: December 13, 2013, 12:21:50 AM »
Disclosure is more a formality -- he had safer sex and did not expose anyone to viral transmission, that's the more important issue. Disclosure isn't technically necessary in such an instance unless you have draconian state laws.

The only time to feel "guilty" is if you infect someone, and from his post he seems to think condom-less oral sex is a possible way to infect someone.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline oksikoko

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Re: Sex With A "Regular"
« Reply #5 on: December 13, 2013, 05:33:16 AM »
I have feelings of guilt now. I never want to infect anyone, that is my goal. Can anyone relate? Do any of you without monogamous partners have personal rules about only being sexual with other HIV+ people?

The others are right, but I get where you're coming from.

To answer that last question, I make it a rule to only have relations with other poz guys 1) because they tend to be hotter and 2) because I don't want to deal with negative bullshit paranoia about teh AIDS. Since I live in Pozlandia, this works out pretty well.

As I've mentioned here before, I infected a guy a couple of weeks before I tested positive. It's tough to deal with. Your caution and concern are understandable.
Code: [Select]
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1105
2013-05-23:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (-) 945
2013-02-25:                ☣ VL (-) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1123
2012-12-16: Enter Stribild
2012-11-20: HIV+           ☣ VL (→) 132,683      ☣ CD4 (→) 920
2012-04-01: HIV-
Dates in this signature file conform to ISO 8601. ;-)

Offline mecch

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Re: Sex With A "Regular"
« Reply #6 on: December 13, 2013, 06:34:09 AM »
In the past couple of weeks I've had sex twice, me as top using condoms, with someone I had protected sex with several times before becoming HIV+. The urge had finally returned.

This is the only sex I've had since I was diagnosed in early August. I told him about my status and he was okay with it, even after I asked multiple times "are you SURE?" He is much younger though "legal" of course. The most recent time, he also performed oral sex without a condom briefly which was a bad move to allow on my part.

I have feelings of guilt now. I never want to infect anyone, that is my goal. Can anyone relate? Do any of you without monogamous partners have personal rules about only being sexual with other HIV+ people?

You are only a couple months into it.  I guess you do know that oral sex is not a transmission risk. Furthermore, I guess by now you are pretty much undetectable, so there is that, too.  I think your fear of infecting someone is just an emotional/psychological hiccup...  A phase you will pass through. Of course, fear of infecting someone, yes, it is something most HIV+ have.  But  they put it in a box in the brain governed by information, and then pursue their horny right to f*ck.

As for the question about HIV+ people deciding to be only with other HIV+ people, I'm sure some people do that.  Some people put all kinds of rules on their lives.  Other people just go with the flow of what life delivers...  You can follow any rule you want.  Or no rules.
ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

Offline cicero

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Re: Sex With A "Regular"
« Reply #7 on: December 13, 2013, 09:15:36 AM »
Thank you for the replies, I suppose the variety of replies is what I expected. I don't know if "guilt" is even the right word, more of a fear, an abundance of "caution and concern" as oksikoko put it. I know that it is somewhat irrational. But I appreciate the thoughts and help waylaying these feelings.  I'm kind of naturally a high anxiety, worrisome sort so I reckon there will be some personal work required in this area if I'm going to have any sex with negative people.

I know there are effective treatments, I am on one myself, but still...even with good insurance it's expensive (which is why many people are not being treated), and I am doing well with Atripla but it sure ain't like popping a couple aspirin every night.  :)  Just don't want anyone to have to be a part of this experience, especially not as a result of any of my fluids.

Thanks again gang.
"How could this happen to lovely me?" -Jacqueline Susann

Offline mecch

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Re: Sex With A "Regular"
« Reply #8 on: December 13, 2013, 09:22:58 AM »
Thank you for the replies, I suppose the variety of replies is what I expected. I don't know if "guilt" is even the right word, more of a fear, an abundance of "caution and concern" as oksikoko put it. I know that it is somewhat irrational. But I appreciate the thoughts and help waylaying these feelings.  I'm kind of naturally a high anxiety, worrisome sort so I reckon there will be some personal work required in this area if I'm going to have any sex with negative people.

I know there are effective treatments, I am on one myself, but still...even with good insurance it's expensive (which is why many people are not being treated), and I am doing well with Atripla but it sure ain't like popping a couple aspirin every night.  :)  Just don't want anyone to have to be a part of this experience, especially not as a result of any of my fluids.

Thanks again gang.

Where do you live?  What kind of contact do you have with your doc? He/She experienced?  It caught my eye tha the Atripla is not like popping a couple aspirin.  And that you are an anxious type.  This is tangential to your topic in this thread - are you having heavy dreams and/or increased anxiety?  Atripla isn't the best combo for a few people. CNS side effects.  Keep an eye on that.  Communicate.  Eventually if you might want another combo....
Also if by chance out of pocket expenses are high - check out copayment assistance from the company.
ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

Offline cicero

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Re: Sex With A "Regular"
« Reply #9 on: December 13, 2013, 09:45:15 AM »
Oh, thanks mecch.  I live in Charlotte, and I am thankfully good with the copay and my portion of lab bills, etc, but I appreciate the concern.  I love my doctor and he knows me pretty well.  I tell him everything, sometimes I think maybe even too much lol.  I think I am doing fine with Atripla, he did warn me of vivid dreams but I don't even have those much.  I take it pretty easily, sometimes even with food...I just meant that any HIV medication will have side effects like drowsiness, etc.  I think I am good on the CNS side though I'm in communication with him about those concerns.  I have excellent care so no worries there. If I ever feel the need to change he would line that up in a heartbeat for me. :)
"How could this happen to lovely me?" -Jacqueline Susann

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Sex With A "Regular"
« Reply #10 on: December 13, 2013, 09:54:53 AM »
I had sex left and right with neggies after I was diagnosed, I just used condoms. Probably the best rule is if you are to do this is to not have sex when you are drunk or high because that is when condom errors tend to happen. And yes, there's a difference is having sex after two drinks and after eight, use your judgement.

Basically your anxiety is misplaced. If you find you can't control this anxiety issue about condoms protecting your negative partner then it's a reasonable decision to forego having sex with negative partners and limiting yourself to positive guys.

There are also other benefits to limiting oneself to other positive guys -- emotional rapport, shared experience, etc.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline Dr.Strangelove

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Re: Sex With A "Regular"
« Reply #11 on: December 13, 2013, 11:44:26 AM »
Just don't want anyone to have to be a part of this experience, especially not as a result of any of my fluids.

You mean you don't want to impurify the precious bodily fluids of others?

 ;D

Offline mecch

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Re: Sex With A "Regular"
« Reply #12 on: December 13, 2013, 12:45:04 PM »
In New York a "regular" comes with cream and sugar.
ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Sex With A "Regular"
« Reply #13 on: December 13, 2013, 12:49:19 PM »
Cicero, since you live in lovely Charlotte -- whether downtown or suburban area -- it's a metro area of ~2.5 million if I recall my facts correctly. Are you having trouble meeting other HIV+ men for dates/tricks/whatevs?
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline cicero

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Re: Sex With A "Regular"
« Reply #14 on: December 13, 2013, 11:41:12 PM »
You mean you don't want to impurify the precious bodily fluids of others?

 ;D

Exactly.  :)

In New York a "regular" comes with cream and sugar.

Indeed. I prefer black, no sugar.

Cicero, since you live in lovely Charlotte -- whether downtown or suburban area -- it's a metro area of ~2.5 million if I recall my facts correctly. Are you having trouble meeting other HIV+ men for dates/tricks/whatevs?

Miss Philicia, to be honest I haven't really tried to meet anyone for sex, HIV+ or otherwise, accept this negative guy in question.  I haven't had the desire, but now that I'm kind of feeling it come back, perhaps I will seek some out.  It would be nice to meet some HIV+ people just for friendship, companionship, etc for the fact that they'd be able to relate and understand a little more of what it's all like. I used to run around with a positive guy (nothing sexual) every now and then but kind of lost touch.  Maybe I'll look him up.  I have a very small circle of people so I don't know many people gay, positive, negative, or otherwise.  The list of people I've had sex with on the other hand is a mile long. 
"How could this happen to lovely me?" -Jacqueline Susann

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Sex With A "Regular"
« Reply #15 on: December 14, 2013, 10:18:04 AM »
I have a very small circle of people so I don't know many people gay, positive, negative, or otherwise.  The list of people I've had sex with on the other hand is a mile long. 

I'm not trying to pick on your or anything, but I skimmed your older posts and you are 37. It's hard to tell if sexually you are in or out of the closet, or perhaps half out, but I know you referenced a mutual friend that was HIV infected a longer time ago and the psychological toll that it took on him, and you were worried about this happening to you. I would recommend highly reflecting on where you are sexually, and even if you consider yourself out of the closet question why you don't possess an existing larger group of non-sexual gay friends. Perhaps it sounds trivial, but I can assure you such a support system will prove invaluable long-term, much more so than fly-by-night tricks and/or partners that don't last more than a couple of years (though I also think having a quality partner that does stick around is very valuable as well for coping with HIV).
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline cicero

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Re: Sex With A "Regular"
« Reply #16 on: December 14, 2013, 12:18:01 PM »
I appreciate it Miss Philicia, and I know what you're saying and agree about friendship versus tricks etc.  I am very much out of the closet -- I'm the kind of gay man that came out young and stayed out, easily identified as such, and I am not all all troubled or anything by being gay. :)  I am somewhat shy and a little "backward" as we say in the South, so I do find it hard to make friends, but I do have several truly great friends that have been a huge support to me around HIV an everything else.  I am generally well-liked if I can say so myself.  I have one friend I'm just waiting for the right time to tell about my status. I'm "in the closet" about HIV somewhat more for like work concerns, and I definitely don't want my family to know, if for nothing else I couldn't burden my mom and dad with something that is in one sense a big deal, but in another not really a big deal.  My concern about psychological problems is more an irrational fear that the disease itself will do something physical to my brain that makes me coo coo, more than the knowledge of having it making me coo coo if that makes sense (if any of what I'm saying makes sense, I hope it does).  All in all I definitely have my struggles in life but overall I feel pretty good about myself and am relatively content. Now that I'm a few months in to the diagnosis I am going to try to put myself "out there" more.  I appreciate your post though.
"How could this happen to lovely me?" -Jacqueline Susann

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Sex With A "Regular"
« Reply #17 on: December 14, 2013, 12:53:17 PM »
Cicero, I would not overly worry about advanced cognitive decline from HIV. Yes, you read posts from us LTSers about it, and while HIV itself is at play you also have to remember that this group of patients unfortunately took the first generation of medications that weren't particularly stellar in terms of toxicities, many effects of which may be showing up some time down the road due to mitochondrial level dysfunctions and what not.

At the same time, you never know what will happen -- hypertension at 40 and arthritis by 47 were in the cards for me, and like you I didn't want to burden my parents with my plight and kept it secret for so long that I developed an general anxiety disorder that has kept me on sedatives for over a decade. Of course, once I told them they became my best support system. If I am having any medical problems I pick the phone up and talk to my mother, and I am not ashamed to say there's nothing as reassuring as hearing your mother's voice when you are feeling like shit. You were just diagnosed recently, so I'd be careful about making firm decisions about disclosing to your family down the line. It's not the easiest thing to do, but it's also not as hard as you think once you go through it and look back. Actually my mother got mad at me for taking so long to tell them, thinking they'd failed me as parents, which then made me feel guilty for doing that to them -- but we moved on quickly and that no longer comes up. Anyway, just sharing that bit because you seem well-adjusted in your sexuality which is no easy thing in a place like North Carolina.

Maybe you can find some HIV organizations you can be active in over time and make some new platonic relationships, while also helping others less fortunate than yourself. Good luck though.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline Basquo

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Re: Sex With A "Regular"
« Reply #18 on: December 20, 2013, 11:55:15 PM »
If I am having any medical problems I pick the phone up and talk to my mother, and I am not ashamed to say there's nothing as reassuring as hearing your mother's voice when you are feeling like shit.

^^^^^^^^^^
This=wise words that fit my situation. My parents are ready to go back to court for visitation rights every time I have to go in to hospital.

Offline Ann

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Re: Sex With A "Regular"
« Reply #19 on: December 21, 2013, 07:35:07 AM »
^^^^^^^^^^
This=wise words that fit my situation. My parents are ready to go back to court for visitation rights every time I have to go in to hospital.

I'm confused, Basquo. Why would your parents have to go to court to gain hospital visitation rights to see their son? I could see that being the situation in some places so a partner (who you're not legally married to) can visit you in hospital, but parents?
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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

 


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