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Author Topic: what the hell did I do to myself. I do not want to be a part of this club.  (Read 4964 times)

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Offline NY2011

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  • Posts: 140
I really don't know what more to say than what I wrote in the subject matter. I feel like I'm living life in a box. I worked my ass off to have the life I've always wanted, to fnally be living life on my terms, professionally and socially,  and be truly comortable in my skin...and all of it is completely different...all because I fucked the wrong guy.  I go through my day-to-day emulating my old way of life and what brought me joy, but you know what? none of it applies to me anymore. I'm no longer a participant. Just a spectator now.    Let's face it: the gay community is embarrassed of its history of AIDS.  It is working diligently to reinvent the gay brand; hard-working professional people with interesting lives who are loving, family-oriented, and healthy; not people who are plagued with disease because they are promiscuous and perverted. I'm now part of the old brand of gay. Someone that poses a threat to the new brand. The one the community wants to put behind itself.  A relic.
« Last Edit: December 04, 2013, 07:34:35 AM by NY2011 »
10/26/2011 - SEROCONVERSION (hi fever+rash)
10/31/2011 - CD4= 154  VL>500,000 
10/31/2011 - started on Truvada+Prezista+Norvir
12/14/2011 - CD4= 750 VL=6412 (45%)
01/27/2012 - switched to Atripla
04/23/2012 - CD4=1,221 VL= 140  (47%)
06/22/2012 - CD4=1,224 VL= ud    (49%)
12/18/2012 - CD4=1,031 VL= ud    (51%)
09/16/2013 - CD4=1,151 VL= ud   ( 49%)
03/26/2014 - CD4=1,050 VL= ud

Offline Jeff G

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  • How am I doing Beren ?
HI NY ... have you tried counseling or therapy to help you move past your anger and disappointment ? 

I have struggled with some of the things you mentioned in the past so I do understand what you are feeling . I did learn that because I feel like this today it does not mean that will be my tomorrow . I was so busy trying to survive 30 years ago I didn't have time for feelings or addressing those issues and they were there waiting for me when I did slow down . I wish I had acted sooner because the kind of things we both have felt can eat you alive inside and must be dealt with sooner or later .

Thanks for posting this and I hope you are able to move forward .

Offline buginme2

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I get what your saying emotionally.  I have had many of the same or similar thoughts over my diagnosis. 

However, what specifically have you lost or not been able to do because of being hiv positive?   How specifically is hiv preventing you from being happy or finding joy?  You said you go through life emulating your old way of life and what brought you joy and it doesn't apply anymore.   That's very existential but not very descriptive.  Care to elaborate?

Offline aaware72

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  • Posts: 224
Hi NY,

I will be coming up on my 1 year being positive next month.  I remember feeling all alone, even though my BF and I found out together that we were both positive.  What I have learned over the past year is that we are not alone.  Some people that I have know for year I have found out are also positive.  Some of them are very successful and live very good lives.  I'm sorry to hear your feeling things have change and that things will not be what you want them to be, however they will only be that why if you let them. 

I will agree that some in the gay community have changed their focus onto things like equity, etc...  However, there are some that are still out there fighting the battle against HIV/AIDS.  I personally will be colabrating with a person that was just named to that top 100 list. Together along with several other people we will lead on to do the work that still need to be done, at least on a local level. 

Having HIV does not mean we are plagued with a disease because we were  promiscuous or perverted.  We need to work to eliminate that stigma!  People living with HIV are most likely some of the most healthiest people out there!  I live an interesting, healthy, and family-oriented life and I am HIV positive!  You are only a spectator in life if you choose to take on that role and sit on the sidelines.

I thought my life as I knew it was over, but guess what it is not.  I just got engaged to the most awesome person, I will be graduating with my undergrad this coming spring, and I going to live life just like everyone else!  My focus before finding out I had HIV was to help people in life.  The only thing that HIV has changed for me is the group of people I want to help. 

Anyway good luck and stay positive!  :)
"Yes, knowledge is power. Self-knowledge brings mastery of one's body."

Offline newt

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,877
  • the one and original newt
You'd be surprised how many people you meet every day prob are i. the same boat as you.

A lot of people dissemble to fit in, you'd be surprised.

As I have got older, and longer into my diagnosis, my friends' lives have got somewhat divergent, but then there are the new mates, and the old friends who stick around. This is what counts.

- matt (who's knackered after a weekend with the kids and make up tIme with the man back home)
"The object is to be a well patient, not a good patient"

Online mecch

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  • Posts: 11,225
  • red pill? or blue pill?
I worked my ass off to have the life I've always wanted, to fnally be living life on my terms, professionally and socially,  and be truly comortable in my skin...and all of it is completely different...all because I fucked the wrong guy.  I go through my day-to-day emulating my old way of life and what brought me joy, but you know what? none of it applies to me anymore. I'm no longer a participant. Just a spectator now.    Let's face it: the gay community is embarrassed of its history of AIDS.  It is working diligently to reinvent the gay brand; hard-working professional people with interesting lives who are loving, family-oriented, and healthy; not people who are plagued with disease because they are promiscuous and perverted. I'm now part of the old brand of gay. Someone that poses a threat to the new brand. The one the community wants to put behind itself.  A relic.

You start off by affirming how you built your life and dream YOUR WAY, the way you want, on YOUR TERMS.  Then you go on to talk about some supposed "gay community" and its propaganda, PR, image management, etc.

Sure you didn't want HIV but now you have it and can't change that. Go back to this spirit:
I worked my ass off to have the life I've always wanted, to fnally be living life on my terms, professionally and socially,  and be truly comortable in my skin
and try not to pay attention to any negative cat calls from the peanut gallery.   Stigma and prejudice surely exist but you don't have to buy into it - just fight it, ignore it - in others. And get on with your excellent life. 

I also think you have a dark view on the gay PR machine.   IMO, it was FAR more heavy to be gay and HIV+ OR HIV- during the plague years.
The "gay community" is vast and diverse.  If any part of it is disparaging or discriminatory or embarrassed that some gays are HIV+ - well, what small minds....  Don't let them ruin your party.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline darryaz

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  • Posts: 450
I really don't know what more to say than what I wrote in the subject matter. I feel like I'm living life in a box. I worked my ass off to have the life I've always wanted, to fnally be living life on my terms, professionally and socially,  and be truly comortable in my skin...and all of it is completely different...all because I fucked the wrong guy.  I go through my day-to-day emulating my old way of life and what brought me joy, but you know what? none of it applies to me anymore. I'm no longer a participant. Just a spectator now.    Let's face it: the gay community is embarrassed of its history of AIDS.  It is working diligently to reinvent the gay brand; hard-working professional people with interesting lives who are loving, family-oriented, and healthy; not people who are plagued with disease because they are promiscuous and perverted. I'm now part of the old brand of gay. Someone that poses a threat to the new brand. The one the community wants to put behind itself.  A relic.

I couldn't disagree more.  The real "new gay brand" is people who are "hard-working professional people with interesting lives who are loving, family-oriented, and healthy" DESPITE a plague which one did not necessarily have to be promiscuous to fall victim to.

Offline Lguy

  • Member
  • Posts: 5
I understand you. I am 1.5 years already with this and still trying to fix my life, wake up at night with worries what i did for my almost perfect life...but part of me believes that in this situation it is possible to find posityve side. So now learning how to care of myself, of my BF and friends, but not be just perfect guy for society.
Wish you stay strong. Hugs.

Offline Miss Philicia

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  • Posts: 23,882
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
You'd be surprised how many people you meet every day prob are i. the same boat as you.

A lot of people dissemble to fit in, you'd be surprised.

As I have got older, and longer into my diagnosis, my friends' lives have got somewhat divergent, but then there are the new mates, and the old friends who stick around. This is what counts.

- matt (who's knackered after a weekend with the kids and make up tIme with the man back home)


Matt, I could easily write this same post word for word. There are no easy answers to this eternal question except to make small adjustments in life and accept them for what they are, often with limitations, but often with chances for something new you'd never thought of.

But that's also life without HIV as well, HIV just adds another layer of consideration. I no longer aim for a "perfect life" just a suitable one. And this is acceptable to me and has been for the past decade. Well, generally.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline wolfthorn

  • Member
  • Posts: 85
Lol I could easily write this post word for word. I have been working my ass off for years, thinking it would lead to things getting easier. I even thought I was having safe sex! Obviously I messed up. This whole thing was a huge shock and really terrible for my self esteem. I got dumped by my boyfriend, who I had to see first thing in the morning as I walked into work. Not the start of a good day.

Bad things happen.

Don't worry about "the gay brand". It isn't you anyway. Just take your medicine and be patient. There's a good chance that within your lifetime they will figure out some way to eradicate the virus from your body.

This used to be a death sentence and now it's just a burden. Lets hope it turns into a bad memory!
7/10/13: Oraquick at Home (+)
7/11/13: CD4 <20, VL 286,000
7/26/13: Start Stribild, Bactrim, Azithromycin
8/13/13: CD4 64, VL 1194
9/11/13: CD4 87, VL 511
10/14/13: CD4 164, VL 34
10/15/13: Stop Azithromycin!

Offline NY2011

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  • Posts: 140
I see a therapist in private practice, but 45 minutes per week is not going to be the remedy for my feelings of anger and disappointment.  It's not even disappointment anymore. It's morphing into disinterest.  A perfect example: I'm in a particular gay sports league that meets once per week after work.  Recently, a teammate came over to me and told me that a guy from a different team is interested (A little high-schoolish, yes, but anyway) he points him out, and there across the gym is this guy flashing the most beautiful smile at me through a crowd of players.  I get caught up in it for a few seconds, but then I tell my teammate that I just started seeing someone. BULLSHIT! The truth is that I'm embarrassed to disclose. 

I don't want to deal with it. So, instead, I choose to date guys exclusively from a poz site and, to be honest, I don't like the dating pool.  I'm dealing with limitations of what it's like to date in a small town while living in New York fucking City. With all due respect, I left that behind me for a reason.

It's easy to say that the limitations I'm feeling are self-imposed, but the truth is that this is bringing a lot of regret to the surface.  Regret that I didnt settle down sooner with the right ones of the past, and that I ignored the common sense decision to avoid being single for too long. So instead, a night in Vegas with some guy that I don't even know changes my life forever.  I am that promiscuous pervert. You'd never know by looking at me or by seeing me in the board room or wherever the hell, but I am. Lots of people are. Difference is that I've got a scarlet PLUS sign. And a lifetime of meds to disrupt my sleep pattern and do g-d knows what to my liver.
« Last Edit: December 04, 2013, 08:29:34 PM by NY2011 »
10/26/2011 - SEROCONVERSION (hi fever+rash)
10/31/2011 - CD4= 154  VL>500,000 
10/31/2011 - started on Truvada+Prezista+Norvir
12/14/2011 - CD4= 750 VL=6412 (45%)
01/27/2012 - switched to Atripla
04/23/2012 - CD4=1,221 VL= 140  (47%)
06/22/2012 - CD4=1,224 VL= ud    (49%)
12/18/2012 - CD4=1,031 VL= ud    (51%)
09/16/2013 - CD4=1,151 VL= ud   ( 49%)
03/26/2014 - CD4=1,050 VL= ud

Offline NY2011

  • Member
  • Posts: 140
.
10/26/2011 - SEROCONVERSION (hi fever+rash)
10/31/2011 - CD4= 154  VL>500,000 
10/31/2011 - started on Truvada+Prezista+Norvir
12/14/2011 - CD4= 750 VL=6412 (45%)
01/27/2012 - switched to Atripla
04/23/2012 - CD4=1,221 VL= 140  (47%)
06/22/2012 - CD4=1,224 VL= ud    (49%)
12/18/2012 - CD4=1,031 VL= ud    (51%)
09/16/2013 - CD4=1,151 VL= ud   ( 49%)
03/26/2014 - CD4=1,050 VL= ud

Offline Jeff G

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  • Member
  • Posts: 10,766
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Would you have felt like a pervert had you not acquired HIV from having sex or is it the sex in general you have an issue with ?

Also ... If your therapy isn't benefiting you its a certainty that there is another way forward that is right and a unique fit for you , its only a matter of finding it  .

Offline buginme2

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,834
I see a therapist in private practice, but 45 minutes per week is not going to be the remedy for my feelings of anger and disappointment.  It's not even disappointment anymore. It's morphing into disinterest.  A perfect example: I'm in a particular gay sports league that meets once per week after work.  Recently, a teammate came over to me and told me that a guy from a different team is interested (A little high-schoolish, yes, but anyway) he points him out, and there across the gym is this guy flashing the most beautiful smile at me through a crowd of players.  I get caught up in it for a few seconds, but then I tell my teammate that I just started seeing someone. BULLSHIT! The truth is that I'm embarrassed to disclose. 

I don't want to deal with it. So, instead, I choose to date guys exclusively from a poz site and, to be honest, I don't like the dating pool.  I'm dealing with limitations of what it's like to date in a small town while living in New York fucking City. With all due respect, I left that behind me for a reason.

It's easy to say that the limitations I'm feeling are self-imposed, but the truth is that this is bringing a lot of regret to the surface.  Regret that I didnt settle down sooner with the right ones of the past, and that I ignored the common sense decision to avoid being single for too long. So instead, a night in Vegas with some guy that I don't even know changes my life forever.  I am that promiscuous pervert. You'd never know by looking at me or by seeing me in the board room or wherever the hell, but I am. Lots of people are. Difference is that I've got a scarlet PLUS sign. And a lifetime of meds to disrupt my sleep pattern and do g-d knows what to my liver.

I get it. 

A lot of people have felt what your feeling and gone through many of the same experiences.  As you mentioned a lot of your limitations are self-imposed.  Maybe it's time to have a come to Jesus moment and put aside all the hurt, fear,and regret and start living your life again.  At some point your going to need stop, take a breath, and walk over to mr smiley and start the process.  Sure he may run when he finds out your positive, he may not.  At least you won't regret not finding out.


You can be successful and hiv positive.  The two are not mutually exclusive. 

Offline Raf

  • Member
  • Posts: 254
  • Bald by choice
I see a therapist in private practice, but 45 minutes per week is not going to be the remedy for my feelings of anger and disappointment.  It's not even disappointment anymore. It's morphing into disinterest.  A perfect example: I'm in a particular gay sports league that meets once per week after work.  Recently, a teammate came over to me and told me that a guy from a different team is interested (A little high-schoolish, yes, but anyway) he points him out, and there across the gym is this guy flashing the most beautiful smile at me through a crowd of players.  I get caught up in it for a few seconds, but then I tell my teammate that I just started seeing someone. BULLSHIT! The truth is that I'm embarrassed to disclose. 

I don't want to deal with it. So, instead, I choose to date guys exclusively from a poz site and, to be honest, I don't like the dating pool.  I'm dealing with limitations of what it's like to date in a small town while living in New York fucking City. With all due respect, I left that behind me for a reason.

It's easy to say that the limitations I'm feeling are self-imposed, but the truth is that this is bringing a lot of regret to the surface.  Regret that I didnt settle down sooner with the right ones of the past, and that I ignored the common sense decision to avoid being single for too long. So instead, a night in Vegas with some guy that I don't even know changes my life forever.  I am that promiscuous pervert. You'd never know by looking at me or by seeing me in the board room or wherever the hell, but I am. Lots of people are. Difference is that I've got a scarlet PLUS sign. And a lifetime of meds to disrupt my sleep pattern and do g-d knows what to my liver.

damn, It feels like I wrote that post. One would think that over 5 years I could have got over this, but here I am, stuck almost on day 1 post Dx.

Hang in there man. At least you got on dating (or trying to date), I have a feeling that you will do well in a short time.
Dx: 05/14/2008
Latest HIV Meds combo I've been taking:

Kaletra + Combivir (since 05/16/2008 - today)

Offline NY2011

  • Member
  • Posts: 140
i'm not cut out for that type of rejection. i know myself very well, and  it doesn't seem logical. The chance of rejection outweighs acceptance by a large margin.  The chance of lamenting my decision is even greater.  so the two things I risk: (1) rejection, which is greater than the possible reward, and (2) regretting, post-facto, the decision to disclose in the first place.  I have to come to terms with the fact that I am not comfortable with it.  I've always heard that at some point, people reach a point where they must let their dreams die.  I won't go so far as saying that I've reached that point, but I am realizing my limitations.

As for therapy, the sessions are productive. The person I'm seeing has been my therapist for 6 years, on and off. 

As for feeling like a promiscuous pervert in the absence of HIV, I suspect that I would not have felt like one, but in all honesty, I was keenly aware that I needed to curb my habits. I was scheduled to start up therapy the week I experienced seroconversion, to discuss making changes to my behavior.  I often lie awake at night with shit running through my head, and one night I counted up the number of guys I had fucked. bareback. before acquiring this disease.  The number is 53.  I rationalized that behavior, before being HIV+ by pointing to the statistics that purported a claim that it's much less risky as a top.  After several dozen times of rolling that dice and winning, the law of averages, among other things, was providing empirical data to support my belief.  So, if I clear out the cobwebs of my memory and lay it on the line with you, yes, I did feel promiscuous, but it didn't count, because I got to do what I wanted without consequence. It was like I was beating the odds.
« Last Edit: December 04, 2013, 10:04:54 PM by NY2011 »
10/26/2011 - SEROCONVERSION (hi fever+rash)
10/31/2011 - CD4= 154  VL>500,000 
10/31/2011 - started on Truvada+Prezista+Norvir
12/14/2011 - CD4= 750 VL=6412 (45%)
01/27/2012 - switched to Atripla
04/23/2012 - CD4=1,221 VL= 140  (47%)
06/22/2012 - CD4=1,224 VL= ud    (49%)
12/18/2012 - CD4=1,031 VL= ud    (51%)
09/16/2013 - CD4=1,151 VL= ud   ( 49%)
03/26/2014 - CD4=1,050 VL= ud

Offline Bowie-esq

  • Member
  • Posts: 44
  • Papa can you hear me...
How do you not know that the guy with the great smile was also from the small HIV+ dating pool? Sounds like you're judging yourself and all around you because of this virus.

Having HIV sucks but you are still you, no future is certain whether living positive or negative.
Infected: +\-01/2010

Tested positive 08/2010
28/07/11 CD4 420 9% v.l. 20500
16/10/11 CD4 320 10% v.l. 185000
10/11/11 begin Truvada/Viramune
29/12/11 CD4 410 13% v.l. 115
14/4/12 v.l. undetectable
05/7/12 CD4 520 19% v.l. UD
21/08/13 CD4 470 20% v.l. UD
19/12/13 CD4 430 23% v.l. UD

Offline harleymc

  • Member
  • Posts: 198
Congratulations! Old school deviant diseased beats the new squeaky clean wannabe heteronormatives. I woundn't want to be in their club.

As a BTW just cause we're outsiders with a virus doesn't mean we won't have totally meaningful, long lives.

Offline bocker3

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,358
  • You gotta enjoy life......
Sounds to me like you are really mad at yourself and/or have guilt eating at you for past actions.  Neither is uncommon and I felt similarly early in my diagnosis.
What you need to figure out now is not how so much how to find a husband, but how to forgive yourself.  Guilt is such a wasteful emotion -- you can't undo the past, and you don't know what the future holds.  Try and focus on the here and now -- and on what you can control.  You can't control others -- as a wise AA sponsor once told me -- "what other people think about you is none of your business".  I don't think I ever agreed with that, verbatim, but I really hooked into the sentiment.

There is no reason you can't have a "successful" life -- I would say that my life is in a far better position today than it was in 2005, before I was diagnosed.  Yes, our lives are a little different -- I didn't need to navigate the dating world, but the similarities are important.  I had to find a way to forgive myself.  Counseling helps -- if your current therapist isn't helping in this space, perhaps you need a change for this issue (not saying to dump your current one).  I found group therapy helped tremendously, because it helped me see that I wasn't unique and that others were able to overcome things.

I'm glad you posted here -- I think with the advance in drugs to treat the physical side of HIV infection, the mental toll becomes even more acute.  So keep talking.

Hugs,
Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2013 691/31% <20

Offline Lguy

  • Member
  • Posts: 5
i'm not cut out for that type of rejection. i know myself very well, and  it doesn't seem logical. The chance of rejection outweighs acceptance by a large margin.  The chance of lamenting my decision is even greater.  so the two things I risk: (1) rejection, which is greater than the possible reward, and (2) regretting, post-facto, the decision to disclose in the first place.  I have to come to terms with the fact that I am not comfortable with it.  I've always heard that at some point, people reach a point where they must let their dreams die.  I won't go so far as saying that I've reached that point, but I am realizing my limitations.

As for therapy, the sessions are productive. The person I'm seeing has been my therapist for 6 years, on and off. 

As for feeling like a promiscuous pervert in the absence of HIV, I suspect that I would not have felt like one, but in all honesty, I was keenly aware that I needed to curb my habits. I was scheduled to start up therapy the week I experienced seroconversion, to discuss making changes to my behavior.  I often lie awake at night with shit running through my head, and one night I counted up the number of guys I had fucked. bareback. before acquiring this disease.  The number is 53.  I rationalized that behavior, before being HIV+ by pointing to the statistics that purported a claim that it's much less risky as a top.  After several dozen times of rolling that dice and winning, the law of averages, among other things, was providing empirical data to support my belief.  So, if I clear out the cobwebs of my memory and lay it on the line with you, yes, I did feel promiscuous, but it didn't count, because I got to do what I wanted without consequence. It was like I was beating the odds.

Hi all, well i guess i know what u are taking about. Before HIV i sex for me was a way to deal with things i could not express in other way (anger, dissapointment). So i was almost mad on this in the past year less carefull to have safe sex as i could not imagine that it could happen to me.
Now for 1.5 year with hiv i thought that i will get to used it and no changes in my life are needed. No way...now have to recognize that  i have to change my life, habits, addictions...and this is not only about sex, its about life style. And i really worry how to do it.
But despite all of this i have to say that now i am more open to myself and can try to see realistic world, not as "super" guy and its great.
I think that there is one difference between poz and neg people - a fear of death are closer to us. Bit on the other hand it is not a death sentence.
Take care, man.

Offline buginme2

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,834
i I've always heard that at some point, people reach a point where they must let their dreams die.  I won't go so far as saying that I've reached that point, but I am realizing my limitations.


Who says just because you have hiv that you must let your dreams die?  That sounds rather harsh.  I surely don't subscribe to that kind of thinking.  I work hard to realize my dreams and HIV rarely gets in the way of that.

I agree that you should continue therapy  and work on forgiving yourself for contracting HIV.  Your not a pervert or deviant because you got HIV.  You had sex, just like everyone else on the planet.  You just happened to draw the short straw. 

I'm not saying its easy, I'd be lying if I did.  It totally sucks. 

I was thinking about what you said earlier that the gay community is embarrassed about its history with HIV.  Could it be that your projecting and it's not the gay community that's embarrassed it's you that's embarrassed?  Which is normal, I'm embarrassed too.  Who wouldn't be?  I also get the feeling that you don't fit in with other people who are hiv positive.  I get that too.  That's also a tough one to work through.

So..no easy answers..but I guess I just want to say your not alone in how you feel.

Offline jkinatl2

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A few notes here.

In many cases, how we feel about our own diagnosis is a mirror. How did we treat/regard HIV positive people before it was us? Did we/would we date them? Be physically intimatwe with them? Be friends?

Perhaps judge them? Even gossip? It's been my experience that people who did not accept HIV positive people before their diagnosis have almost universally negative reactions to their own - and worse, no support system because their friends are the very people with whom they gossipped about/judged HIV positive people before. I am NOT claiming that this is the case here, but it's worth investigating. In therapy, even.

Moreover, a cursury look at these forums shows a person that life goes on, even thrives after an HIV diagnosis. Hell, I've had AIDS since 1994, and I just got back from filming a TV pilot in LA, Granted, it will likely never see the light of day (few do) but it was fulfilling the lifelong dream I have always had of writing and acting for the screen.

I find that a binary method of thinking is dangerous, destructive even. This "either I will fulfil each and every one of my dreams/whims right now, or I can never, ever do it ever" mindset isn't particvularly healthy if you DON'T have HIV.

My concern here is that it's been over two years since the OP's diagnosis. His numbers are freaking fantastic. Hell - he has me beat on CD4 cells by an order of 4. His percentage is WELL within the normal range, and it looks like, medicaly, things are only looking better and better (Yay for early treatment!)

The battle he is fighting is the battle many of us fight: stigma.

Only it's not external stigma, it's internal. Which is a far more difficult foe.

Every day you spend hating the fact that you aren't achieving your dreams is a day you are, well, not working to achieve your dreams. Each introduction you fail to make because you are afraid of rejection IS a rejection - it's YOU rejecting YOUR ability to be loved and accepted - and your ability to overcome rejection if it happens. As a physically fit, presumably attractive man I am almost certain you have been in the position to reject others. It wasn't the end of the world for them, and it won't be for you.

I sincerely hope you continue your therapy, and find a way out of your own head.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline aaware72

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It really comes down too two things here.  It doesn't matter if your poz or neg.  You have two ways to live life and you can take a positive stance or a negative stance. 

I try to take a optimistic look on life and not a pessimistic look.  Your mind is a very powerful thing.  You think negative thoughts then you outwardly take a negative outlook on life OR your think positive and you have a positive outlook on life.

It seems to be the issue you have here.  Stop dwelling on the negative it will get you nowhere.  Yes I understand easier said than done.

Do you talk to your therapist about these feelings?  You mention it's not going to help, however if you don't let yourself be open to it being able to help then it will not. 

Anyway  good luck  :)
"Yes, knowledge is power. Self-knowledge brings mastery of one's body."

Offline scared2b

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wow, you literally wrote what I had in mind. it's been two years for me.. I got the news days before my medical licensing exam... every time I look back and I think that I dedicated so many years of my life to get to that point and that I could have easily failed that exam for my own actions that I should have known better... but i dont even know if it was from a sex or from patient's blood but that didn't matter...

I've always had a long term relationship and i loved that but i haven't had any in the past two years and i'm scared of dying alone without a man... sucks!

basically i also feel the same F-ing way. I studied 16 years to finally become a doctor and now that I am one, i'm not happy at all because I'm the only doctor without a family of my own or a prospect of it.

Haven't had too many depressed days because exams and patients have kept me busy but recently I've noticed that I'm pretty lonely... and can't even tell anyone about my status. no one but my doctor knows. I just wanna feel clean again and be in a relationship but that prob wont happen... Pooh!  oh well lol

Offline jkinatl2

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wow, you literally wrote what I had in mind. it's been two years for me.. I got the news days before my medical licensing exam... every time I look back and I think that I dedicated so many years of my life to get to that point and that I could have easily failed that exam for my own actions that I should have known better... but i dont even know if it was from a sex or from patient's blood but that didn't matter...

I've always had a long term relationship and i loved that but i haven't had any in the past two years and i'm scared of dying alone without a man... sucks!

basically i also feel the same F-ing way. I studied 16 years to finally become a doctor and now that I am one, i'm not happy at all because I'm the only doctor without a family of my own or a prospect of it.

Haven't had too many depressed days because exams and patients have kept me busy but recently I've noticed that I'm pretty lonely... and can't even tell anyone about my status. no one but my doctor knows. I just wanna feel clean again and be in a relationship but that prob wont happen... Pooh!  oh well lol

Why won't you have a family?

Also, clean? How fo you treat your infected patients? Do you have any? Are they unclean? What sort of doctor practices with this veil of judgment?

Clean? Are you kidding me??

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

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Offline scared2b

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Way to kick guy when he's down...

Offline jkinatl2

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Way to kick guy when he's down...

Not trying to kick YOU. But as a doctor, you presumably have access to patients. Vulnerable people.

If you are referring to yourself as "unclean," I can only IMAGINE the environment you create for your own patients. Moreover, how in the world did you treat infected people BEFORE if THIS is your takewaway from having had experience in a stigma-riddled pathogen? Not just HIV, but Hepatitis, herpes, hell ANY "unclean" pathogen.

As a long time survivor, I came across MANY doctors in the 90s who thought that they could mask their disdain and repulsion at HIV positive people. They were mistaken.


Maybe I am not the one doing the kicking here.


« Last Edit: December 05, 2013, 11:34:30 PM by jkinatl2 »
"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline scared2b

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my friend, doctors aren't god. I am just like you. I am a human. and right now, I am a patient and I'm here seeking support from other patients just like me. When I wear my white coat and care for my patients, I am their rock and support them and treat them. But when I'm alone, I cry about myself... I am allowed to do that... I have weaknesses and I feel alone... you aren't helping by pointing at me. I know what I'm "suppose to do" but I never said that I'm perfect. forgive me if i'm not what you think doctors are suppose to be.

Offline jkinatl2

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my friend, doctors aren't god. I am just like you. I am a human. and right now, I am a patient and I'm here seeking support from other patients just like me. When I wear my white coat and care for my patients, I am their rock and support them and treat them. But when I'm alone, I cry about myself... I am allowed to do that... I have weaknesses and I feel alone... you aren't helping by pointing at me. I know what I'm "suppose to do" but I never said that I'm perfect. forgive me if i'm not what you think doctors are suppose to be.

So many of the people on this forum experience unspoken discrimination and judgment. From the AM I INFECTED people who DARE not ask the doctor for an HIV test (and end up not only sick, but infecting others) to the people who LITERALLY feel pressured to hide their status from their small town doctor beause of the VERY REAL concern over HIPPA violations (which, of course, happen.)

And forget for a moment the rest of us, who can easily intuit judgment and other attitudes which hampen hoinest doctos/patient relations - not only endangering the patient but the COMMUNITY as well.

I believe I am quite justified in my statements. And I am sorry that, as a doctor, you find my comments disrespectful. But while we might be talking about your professional ego and even your practice, I am thinking about the scores of infections and deaths that a negative attitude can easily create.

I absolutely do not disregard the concept of leaving one's prejudices at the professional door. I simply speak for most Long Term Survivors when I say that we know. We know. You are hiding nothing.

If that news is disturbing, I am sorry. But put that oxygen mask firmly on your own face before you try to put it on someone else, as they say on Southwest Airlines.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Since2005

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Hey Scared2b, I am glad you are back to the forum after a while. If I remember correctly when I have joined to the forum about 2 and half years ago, you just have then been then diagnosed with HIV. I am really glad to see you have made it and became a doctor. ---Congrats. It's only been 2 years for you. Trust me it took me 7 years and I did not even go to doctors (not that I am proud of that). So, I can understand what you are going through. That's being a very human. We can certainly understand that, doctor or not being a doctor. I hope you can find piece. Just wanted to let you know I have after I came out with my status to my family. That, you will have to run with on your own pace.

OP, I didn't mean to steal your thread. But these all stuffs are very related. Even, after 7 years, sometimes, I still wish, I did not have HIV, so,  I could have had a 'normal' life. With all respects to everyone who are comfortable with their disease, it can be up and down for some. Trust me, no one certainly wishes to have this. To top if off, I too feel the same way about my current situation being part of gay community. I am 38 years old and I sometimes, feel that I will also be dying lonely and I feel that I probably would have been married and have kids if I were straight. These feelings come and go, may be more in some really bad days. Good thing about these feelings are that as days goes by, you may feel less and less. Trust me it does get better!

I don't want to deal with it. So, instead, I choose to date guys exclusively from a poz site and, to be honest, I don't like the dating pool.  I'm dealing with limitations of what it's like to date in a small town while living in New York fucking City. With all due respect, I left that behind me for a reason.

It's easy to say that the limitations I'm feeling are self-imposed,

I would completely agree with this. I don't want to deal with neg-poz dating scenario not because I ashamed of myself (I think I have move past that phase) but mostly because the aftermath of psychological issues that goes into it (I am glad it works for some, and I am really happy for them), I may not feel the same in the future, but I do too feel at this time, it is very true for some of us.

I have also been trying to come to the dating scene and finding out its lot harder than I thought it would be. I would not say that not all gay people are promiscuous but trend indicates the same. The other part of it, I believe that if you want LTR, you will find it. may be not when are you looking ( at least I would like to think it that way). I know lots of people have found LTR. But, I would agree, it may not be as easy as it is in the straight community and Trust me no one to blame for it, ‘we’ are part of it. Being HIV+  in the dating scene has its limitation. However, feelings that you are feeling its very normal. We all have in the past, we may feel the same in the future. One thing I would guarantee you that, things does get better, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that we all have our ups and downs.

Since2005
« Last Edit: December 06, 2013, 12:55:21 AM by Since2005 »

Offline emeraldize

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A lot of people dissemble to fit in, you'd be surprised.


Yep.

Offline jkinatl2

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Quote
Hey Scared2b, I am glad you are back to the forum after a while.

I am glad he is here as well.

The word "unclean" tells me that, until he purges this mindset, he does NOT need to be working with any vulnerable population.

In fairness, the poster did not disclose that he was working with patients, let alone patients who had an infectious disease such as HIV, But he did not say otherwise, either. And given that lack on information, I cane to the conclusion that he might - strongly might - have access to the public in a professional capacity. A public that might have an infectious disease such as HIV.

And please don't think that we cannot tell when we are judged.

Because, as I have said, we can tell. All it takes is a twitch of an eye, and we will go elsewhere for our treatment (or forego it altogether).

And for some of us, that attitude means death.

Death, in my opinion, trumps bruising an ego.

I find the aforementioned poster's commiseration to be more of an affirmation of the original poster's fears. Thus more reprehensible to bring it out on the OP's thread.

Way to go, doc. Way to kick someone when he's down indeed,
« Last Edit: December 06, 2013, 12:43:00 AM by jkinatl2 »
"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline scared2b

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I am glad he i here as well.

The word "unclean" tells me that, until he purges this mindset, he does NOT need to be working with any vulnerable population.

Because, as I have said, we can tell.

And for some of us, that attitude means death.

Death, in my opinion, trumps bruising an ego.

You make absolutely no sense. You're the one sitting on high chair and judging me. I said nothing about you. I am allowed to have feelings ABOUT MYSELF. meanwhile you are judging me!


your words clearly shows that you have deep seeded issues. you really need some help. I'm here as a patient and not as a doctor so go away. I can feel unclean as much as I want. you cannot tell me how to feel about myself about my own disease.

Offline scared2b

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Hi Since2005,

It has been a hectic 2 years... I couldn't have made it this far without you guys' support. You guys were my rock and I will never forget that  <3

I feel the same way as you and NY2011. I have ups and downs too... we're all human and have feelings and need each other's support.

I'm glad that you're doing good xoxo

Offline scared2b

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Not trying to kick YOU. But as a doctor, you presumably have access to patients.

I'm not sure if you are truly dumb or you are acting like one but I've said it many times. I AM NOT HERE AS A DOCTOR nor am I your doctor. I'm a PATIENT.

You do not have a right to tell me how I should feel about myself or my infection.


please just get lost... thanks.

Offline jkinatl2

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You make absolutely no sense. You're the one sitting on high chair and judging me. I said nothing about you. I am allowed to have feelings ABOUT MYSELF. meanwhile you are judging me!


your words clearly shows that you have deep seeded issues. you really need some help. I'm here as a patient and not as a doctor so go away. I can feel unclean as much as I want. you cannot tell me how to feel about myself about my own disease.

First off, my experiences with HIV phobic medical practitioners do not equate to "Issues." They equate to experiences both first hand and on these boards watching other people suffer under the sub-par "care" of medical practitioners who thought HIV meant "unclean."

Sorry dude, you used that word.

I am not sitting on a high chair. I am speaking as a patient.

Perhaps all patients speak from the high chair of demanding (and deserving) care from someone who does not judge them?

You tell me. Your communication skills do not give me mucg faith in your ability to hide your issues.

Perhaps we ought to split this part of the thread off? It is certainly a pertinent and intersting thread in and of itself.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline xinyuan

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Hi, scared2b,

Can we talk? It seems we are in very similar situations and backgrounds. Only, I am where you were 2 years ago.

Temporary email forwarding address will be good for the next 3 hours:
oENhH5pP54od@meltmail.com

Thanks.

Offline xinyuan

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jkinatl2,

In defense of scared2b, you have no idea how incredibly gossipy and biased the medical community is. If one wants to eradicate stigma in medical institutions, he would find a community with a social situation very, very slow to change.

Also, please look at online articles of other positive physicians. They are beyond terrified of their workplaces finding out. The medical institutions may have to abide by non-discriminatory practices. However, that has not stopped them from putting positive people in less favorable conditions in those stories.

Health care workers have no obligation to disclose their status, unless their state laws require it for certain roles. In fact, occupational health departments often advise against it with the above exception.

Offline scared2b

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Thanks xinyuan. Yes we can talk. private msg me and we can talk and make each other feel better. we have to support each other and we'll get through this... xoxo

What jkinatl2 is missing is that I'm not only in the same boat as he is in, but I'm living with the same stuff that he's talking about on a daily basis and then i come here to be amongst the people whom I share the infection with to get some support and strength and this guy just goes off on me for the way I feel about myself and being depressed. That is the part I cannot understand.

I'm sure Mr. perfect jkinatl2, has his own doctor in the area he lives in. I have to get a doctor about 4 hours away just so that no one finds out about it because people have access to all lab results. I have to take exams about hiv and patient dying in front of me of the disease that I have and can't help them... I'm the one who cries and holds their hands as they die because no one is around for them...

I have the right to be depressed now and then, I came here to get some support and I have been getting that because of compassionate people. but This guy just sits behind a computer and thinks that everyone should be perfect in his eyes. I can understand that he had issues with docs but that has nothing to do with me.


Offline jkinatl2

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jkinatl2,

In defense of scared2b, you have no idea how incredibly gossipy and biased the medical community is. If one wants to eradicate stigma in medical institutions, he would find a community with a social situation very, very slow to change.

Also, please look at online articles of other positive physicians. They are beyond terrified of their workplaces finding out. The medical institutions may have to abide by non-discriminatory practices. However, that has not stopped them from putting positive people in less favorable conditions in those stories.

Health care workers have no obligation to disclose their status, unless their state laws require it for certain roles. In fact, occupational health departments often advise against it with the above exception.

I do understand. I am speaking from my experience as a patient. This isn't about the poster's presumed stigma at the hands of others. It is about his stigma against his own self and his own disease, as evidenced by hos postings.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline aaware72

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Not trying to kick YOU. But as a doctor, you presumably have access to patients. Vulnerable people.

If you are referring to yourself as "unclean," I can only IMAGINE the environment you create for your own patients. Moreover, how in the world did you treat infected people BEFORE if THIS is your takewaway from having had experience in a stigma-riddled pathogen? Not just HIV, but Hepatitis, herpes, hell ANY "unclean" pathogen.

As a long time survivor, I came across MANY doctors in the 90s who thought that they could mask their disdain and repulsion at HIV positive people. They were mistaken.


Maybe I am not the one doing the kicking here.

I agree!  the opposite of clean is dirty.  I am not dirty because I am poz!
"Yes, knowledge is power. Self-knowledge brings mastery of one's body."

Offline Raf

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I do understand. I am speaking from my experience as a patient. This isn't about the poster's presumed stigma at the hands of others. It is about his stigma against his own self and his own disease, as evidenced by hos postings.

Hey man, but with that sudden outburst, I don't think you are helping him with his own stigma. We don't even know if he treat HIV patients, or how he treats them in case he have them.

If he wasn't a doctor, your post would be the same?
Dx: 05/14/2008
Latest HIV Meds combo I've been taking:

Kaletra + Combivir (since 05/16/2008 - today)

Offline jkinatl2

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Hey man, but with that sudden outburst, I don't think you are helping him with his own stigma. We don't even know if he treat HIV patients, or how he treats them in case he have them.

If he wasn't a doctor, your post would be the same?

It would not.

But the poster in question made no such claims.

It was a rather thought out posting, actually, not an outburst.

Imagine if you could tell your doctor thought that having HIV was dirty.

Sorry, I hold people whose scientific knowledge to be leagues above my own to be more accountable when they exhibit the attitudes that faciliatate infection, lack of care, and death.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline scared2b

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Hey man, but with that sudden outburst, I don't think you are helping him with his own stigma. We don't even know if he treat HIV patients, or how he treats them in case he have them.

If he wasn't a doctor, your post would be the same?

Hey, don't worry about him, there are bullies everywhere it seems. I don't let bullies get to me :)

I was just depressed and had a rough day, came here to talk to my supportive friends and I feel a lot better already. Tomorrow, I'll go back to work more energized and ready to save some lives :)  You know I wouldn't be able to make it this far without this group. I was diagnosed a few days before my Licensing exam and I wanted to quit and it was the good people here who gave me the strength to go through with it and to be in a situation to help people. but when it gets to myself, it's tough because I feel helpless... but you guys are amazing support :)

Online mecch

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Maybe it would help everyone to take note that clean-unclean is offensive in this forum but is an ordinary paradigm in some cultures and mindsets.  Also there may be first language / second language issues here.

How many times in this forum have people used the word clean in a post - and then someone explains how it can understood as offensive, and the person, then, sees it, and takes it on, and everyone moves on. 

I think some people really do feel the clean - dirty thing about themselves, or others, and that is a pity, and it would be helpful to address that, too.  As something different than casually offensive choice of words...
 
I think some other people just say clean in a rather casual way, without some deep clean-dirty signification. It might be the way the culture casually discusses disease. Its pretty standard in French for example. Je suis propre - means I am clean. meaning I am clean of this or that disease.  Also hear it casually and stupidly on English language cruise sites... 

Anyway, two elephants in the room. 

1) Someone might as well straight out ask the person using "clean" - to explain how exactly he/she means the word....  (and it was not asked in this thread, just assumed...perhaps correctly, but might as well ask.)

and

2) If an HIV+ person does feel "dirty", not "clean" anymore, because of having HIV, its hardly scandalous or unusual.  It happens to many HIV+.   I think someone who feels this way, can do the work to not feel this way.  Other people can help make that happen.  Or the whole thing can break down into a rat fuck, that's just a double pity.

On the other hand, I do see after several years on this forum and being HIV+, some people who do feel the clean-dirty dilemma in their worldview of HIV, its pretty deep, and not so easy to jettison. 

Its basically shame if its felt as internal dirtiness.  Its basically prejudice and judgement, if its stigma toward other HIV+ people. 

These identifications are rooted very very deep for some people.  Might be a question of personality. Openness to new ways of thinking about oneself and the world around oneself.  Not to mention any family or cultural support the roots have received, like fertiliser, to make them very very very strong indeed.
« Last Edit: December 06, 2013, 04:20:58 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Jeff G

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Hi Scared2b . I apologize to you for the insensitivity that was shown to you in this thread and the other one as well, I wish I was online at the time so that I could have stepped in and stopped it before it went this far . This situation is inconsistent to what we strive to be as a forum, a safe place to learn to live with HIV. We are taking measures to make sure that a clear signal is sent that this kind of thing will not be tolerated . 

It would help in the future if you use the report button when you feel bullied or threatened as you did and then simply not respond any further so that we can take appropriate action .


Offline Ann

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Jonathan,

While it was fair enough to bring up the point about thinking of oneself as "unclean" as being self-destructive, you really should have left it at that rather than continuing to press the point and making assumptions about scared2be's medical practices. You also followed scared2be into another thread for the sole purpose of further denigrating him. It's just not on.

You've left us no choice (Jeff and I have been discussing this) but to give you a 28 (four week) time out, given your other recent time-outs.

Scared2be,

While I understand why you continued to respond, I need you to understand that hitting the report button and ignoring any further posts from the person who was upsetting you until a moderator could deal with the situation would have been the more appropriate course of action. Continuing to respond in cases like this only serves to escalate the situation. Thank you for your future cooperation.

Ann
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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Theyer

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Well here I sit 12.30pm finally out off bed having read through the thread.It has been I think one off the most profoundly depressing experiences in the years that aidsmed and me have been together. Which I am thinking is how it should be given the experiences , feelings , situations detailed.

I recognize ,with a hint off shame , the I don,t want to be in this club , and remember how it prevented me from gaining so much , at how much I lost when I was in  " that club "

I much prefer the mental state I struggle with now , and for once am thankful to the fiery, angry part off me that recognized the new closet in 1989 and vowed not to buy into it . So ,I have been out about my status and dealt with the problems that bought instead off the other path, I imagine from reading this thread .

Maybe I have simply been incredibly lucky to have met with everything from indifference  to compassion, and meeting people with have greatly enriched my life.

The one thing that really did change life and make for another set off unwelcome problems was the transition from HIV+ to AIDS. The few years before that the drugs I was on gave me the look from lipo that made denial all the more pointless anyway.

I am truly sorry that so many fit ,handsome successfull men are leading the emotional life,s described within this thread, its such a fucking waste. I am glad that its out in the open creating discussion so long as the aim is to push on through to a position where such discrimination withers , is challenged when met and strength is gained from being open , honest and dealing with whatever that brings.

Because nothing absolutely nothing will develop, change if the stigma grows unchallenged either on a personal level or a group level. And I am not saying go from not wanting to be in the club to loving it , I certainly don,t but focus on what it has shown us about the human condition, its potential for dreadful lapses off compassion and at least take comfort from history that tells us nought was changed keeping quiet and putting up with it . And at the very least its saved anyone who finds themselves struggling with all this from remaining in the group who perpetuate it.

I wish you all the best and hope its only a matter off time before this load you are carrying is much much lighter leaving you to enjoy and revel in the life you have.



"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
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Because nothing absolutely nothing will develop, change if the stigma grows unchallenged either on a personal level or a group level.


I absolutely agree; we have to challenge stigma even when (maybe particularly when) it's internalised stigma. A big part of living successfully with hiv is not beating ourselves up and letting stigma fester inside our hearts and minds. It's soul-destroying and doesn't do anyone any good.

It's a fine line though, between pointing out to a person when they're engaging in self-destructive behaviour (ie giving in to internalised stigma) and beating them over the head with it. Even tough-love can become bullying at some point, which is totally counter-productive.



The more we hide, the more we HAVE to hide. The more we are ashamed of our virus, the more people think we should be ashamed.

On the flip side, the more we come out of the closet and show people we're just like them, the more people will begin to accept the fact that we ARE just like them and we could be them. Most people on the planet have had unprotected sex at some point in their lives - and I for one refuse to be ashamed or marginalised because of it.
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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline NY2011

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So, I'm aware that the full scope of my personality is obviously not going to come through on here, and I assure you, I have not thrown in the towel professionally and socially in order to sit in my apartment and sulk.  I'm still very much engaged in life. 

I'm just presented with a suite of challenges that I'd like to closely examine.  Dating is one of those things, and as much as I thought it would be easier to meet like-minded guys in "our boat", it's generally not the case. Bookmark that for now, though.

I feel that we are often encouraged to move on, move past things, "get happy" because the misery will not do you any good.  One of the things I like about my therapist's approach is that it's a valid emotion to just be fucking pissed. Indeed, it has been two years..and I've run through lots of emotions, yet it is still okay to be pissed. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to be disgruntled. I think we could all agree that there is not a designated period of time when it's been deemed "too long" to be holding on to anger or disappointment.  A person has full autonomy in making that decision. So, it may be best to let that person experience it all the way through.

As for my disappointment stemming from a self-loathing place, or a possible bias to HIV-positive people prior to my acquired status: My recollection is that of empathy; that his or her life must be hard and that I'd hate to have to deal with those challenges.

I met a poz guy about four or five months before my diagnosis, from Grindr. We met in the neighborhood and then went up to the roof of my building with a bottle of wine and talked for most of the night.  I liked this guy. I walked him home to his place, he invited me up, and he went in for the kill. Things started moving quickly. I asked him what his HIV status was.  He paused, then slowly shook his head with a slightly troubled grin. I said it was ok, but I approached with extreme caution. We talked and got together a few times after, but one thing I remember: he would go out with friends and drink and stay up late, and I thought that he was foolish for doing so, because he should be taking better care of himself.  I don't know if I would have made the same judgment about another guy with a negative status.
In the end, I felt that the boundaries may have been too defined for my level of comfort, so we just stopped getting together.  I felt like there were better options for me.  I'm just sharing how and what i felt at the time. I don't think I was alone in that way of thinking.




« Last Edit: December 06, 2013, 01:30:52 PM by NY2011 »
10/26/2011 - SEROCONVERSION (hi fever+rash)
10/31/2011 - CD4= 154  VL>500,000 
10/31/2011 - started on Truvada+Prezista+Norvir
12/14/2011 - CD4= 750 VL=6412 (45%)
01/27/2012 - switched to Atripla
04/23/2012 - CD4=1,221 VL= 140  (47%)
06/22/2012 - CD4=1,224 VL= ud    (49%)
12/18/2012 - CD4=1,031 VL= ud    (51%)
09/16/2013 - CD4=1,151 VL= ud   ( 49%)
03/26/2014 - CD4=1,050 VL= ud

 


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