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Stuck between a rock and a hard place


... just reading the title of my post reminds me that I'm sexually frustrated.

I really don't know what I'm going to do about dating and sex now. The time since my illness + dx this summer has been a real roller coaster.... Weight loss, near death, diagnosis, boyfriend dumping me, molluscum all over body and face, then recovery and weight gain to triple digit CD4 has been a real experience. Now I'm starting to feel a little better and just would love to date find someone with whom I can share things. I promised myself that I would only have sex when I was fully UD; this hopefully will be the case at my next ID doc visit in January.

I do have to say though that being abandoned when you are sick is a shitty experience and makes me strive for overall self-reliance... but I do want to have sex and I don't like eating alone.

On one hand, I met this nice HIV+ guy who seems interesting and I like him. I even got to tell my story about my own cruddy experience and got to hear his.  My major reserve about dating and sex with him is that he's had "issues with compliance/resistance" in the past and now has to take a crazy # of meds -- 20 tablets a day and he's still hovering in the low hundreds in VL. I'm afraid I'll be super infected. He also wants to have unprotected sex.  Having had no memory of unprotected anal sex myself (I either got it through oral sex with a bad gum problem or my bad habit of taking Ambien when sleeping over at new boyfriends' apartments) it's just sort of overwhelming. 

On the other hand, I stopped by a bar the other night after dinner with friends. I met this very nice guy and he was complimenting me, which felt wonderful as I still feel like I have the molluscum all over my face. As this was unplanned I just couldn't figure out how to tell him I had HIV and ran off feeling ashamed and afraid.

I think the truth is that I need some more time for my brain to adapt and figure out a strategy, even though the other organs of my body are definitely ready. 

one step at a time wolfthorn.  Sometimes you just have to take care of yourself first, before you can include someone romantic in your life

mikey took my first line . I steer clear of commenting on medical stuff , but emotional I will try. Your post is very touching and whoever you end up with is going to benefit for your consideration for others . I can only say what my strategy was/is and that was full disclosure before any sex. I came to that conclusion because I was very angry at being pushed back into another new closet and if the person off my desire lost his on hearing about my status then I was glad I did not bestow any sexual favours on him. But that was my route and it worked/works for me.There are others that to my mind are responsible non disclosure BUT only the safest off safe sex plus off course remaining fully conscious.

When the right person arrives or you find them it will be delicious .
And off course polite details are expected.
Have fun

Wolfthorn, how awful that you ended up single after a diagnosis! It makes me think that it maybe he would've bailed if there had been some other situation that required his effort and commitment.

As for sex, I left my then-partner two years after our diagnosis because it was a good thing to do, and I found myself in serial relationships with negative guys who just happened to not have a problem with me being poz. My practice was (and I say 'was' because I've been partnered for almost 6 years now) was to disclose no later than right after the first kiss. Meet them, charm them, reel them in with a passionate kiss and then tell them what needs to be said. I nailed quite a few before I settled down  ;D

Thanks for all the advice.

Being dumped certainly didn't make things easier  :P

I think I need some time before I start dating again... self-reconstruction. I'm clearly still having some problems with it.


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