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Author Topic: Pray for Us - BF Just diagnosed with HIV  (Read 2004 times)

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Offline prayforus

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Pray for Us - BF Just diagnosed with HIV
« on: November 16, 2013, 07:41:43 PM »
 I had an long distance relationship with my ex a few years back and I found out he cheated on me frequently. Because we lived so far apart and only seen each other every few weeks, we didn't have sex much. But he called me and told me a week before he was to come move in with me that he has tested positive. We had a bad snow storm that week so everything was shut down for 3 days. I had to stay in my house for those 3 days wondering rather or not I had HIV. When I was finally able to go get tested, I tested negative and had done so a few times after that.

He still moved in with me and it was very difficult for me to wrap my mind around everything. We never had sex again and he ended up moving back because it just didn't work. I was very young and knew nothing about HIV at that point. I didn't even know anyone who had it. I was scared.

Around 2 years later, another close friend of mines, confided in me that he was positive. We did have sex but it was protected. Can you believe he did not tell me until AFTER we finished? I could not believe it and we had a huge falling out over this. We haven't talked much since then but I have reached out several times, but he wont respond. I hope he is ok. I do check his online social media sites every now and then and he seems to be doing ok. Was I wrong for being mad at him for not giving me the choice rather or not to have sex with an hiv+ person? He always said because we used a condom, he didn't think he had to tell me.

Luckily enough, I did test negative again and months and month later when I applied for my new insurance and had to do blood work. All negative.

So after those two situation that happened within a two year period, sex to me was scary and mind boggling. Twice this had happened and just thinking that you may have HIV and waiting for results is so stressful. I just couldn't wrap my mind around sex. To me is was too risky and people are not honest with you.

 That was until I met my current guy. Earlier this week my boyfriend of one year called me crying saying that he had tested positive for HIV. Of course I could not believe it and my mind and body went into complete shock worrying about him, our relationship and my status. Why was this happening AGAIN? Over the last couple of months we had been having problems but I have never been in love like this. I had let my guard down sexually and we have so much fun together. We really do click.

He questioned rather or not I had been faithful to him and I knew that I had. But I don't think he believed me because of a flirty text he claimed he had seen in my phone. I tried to explain to him that it was just a text and that I had never even met that person, let  alone actually had sex with them. Yes I had an inappropriate text, but I knew I would not have any random hookups or take anything past that. It just was not worth it.

Immediately, I went to pick him up and we went to get tested. I was a mess. He was too. Nervous and just automatically thinking I must be positive too, because we had been having unprotected sex for the majority of our relationship. Why cant I escape this? Why am I reliving this for a third time?

The counselor scolded us and told us that we should not have been having unprotected sex even though we had been together for over a year and even if we thought we were monogamous. She said you should always wait at least 2 years before considering to have unprotected sex.

I knew this. Why didn't I listen?  After more tears and talking to the counselor, my results came back negative!! This was a shock to me but I was so happy and blessed. I told him that I loved him and that nothing would change. We cried together and hugged.

So of course this meant that I did not transmit the virus to him. He has had unprotected sex before we met and says the last time he was tested was Dec 2012. He says it was negative. We met around Oct 2012. Im just not sure if he is telling me the complete truth.

I know that he has been unfaithful to me at least one time, but this was DAYS before all of this happened, so I know that''s too soon to get it from this person. We have had convos where I have asked him to just be completely honest with me and tell me if he had cheated more. He swears no and that the only reason he cheated that one time was because of the text he seen.

In October he became really sick, complained of a bad headache and a skin rash appeared on his lower back. When I found that out we QUICKLY went right away to the ER. I made him. When we got there, the doctor came in, quickly looked and said it was Shingles. He prescribed the meds and he got better about 2 weeks later. But now thinking back, im wondering if that could have been HIV rash? Would the doctor have mistakenly said shingles instead?

I have so many questions. I know he is going through a lot right now. Would it be distasteful for me to demand answers? His first appointment is Monday. I have offered to go with him several times and he hasn't invited me yet. What do I do? I really love him.

Offline prayforus

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Re: Pray for Us - BF Just diagnosed with HIV
« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2013, 07:50:53 PM »
Not sure if it matters, the counselor said it didn't, but i'm always the top in my relationships.

Offline prayforus

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Re: Pray for Us - BF Just diagnosed with HIV
« Reply #2 on: November 16, 2013, 08:06:25 PM »
I just would like to know as much as possible because I am not against continuing our relationship. I love him. But if we are in this relationship, we are not going to sweep this under the rug or have it feel awkward or weird if the subject arises. I want us to be very educated and knowledgeable about hiv.

He also sweats a lot a night. Does that happen at any stage of HIV? I did always think that was weird and I guess now we have the answer. I just need to pray and wait for time to go by so that I can get more testing.

Offline mecch

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Re: Pray for Us - BF Just diagnosed with HIV
« Reply #3 on: November 16, 2013, 09:08:50 PM »
The doctor did not misdiagnose Shingles as something else, let alone as a "HIV RASH".  But yeah an HIV+ person can get Shingles. I hope he got good treatment quickly. How is he doing his month?
And has he seen an ID doctor yet? How are his numbers?
You asked why you keep meeting HIV+ guys - well thats probably random. You asked why you keep having drama about possibly being infected in your relationships with guys who get surprise HIV diagnosis.  It doesn't take sherlock holmes to see the pattern. You haven't followed the logical rules about how abandon condoms in a relationship. Thats not a judgement, plenty of people don't manage to follow the rules, and thus we get infections in couples. Happened to me a few times and I was the HIV- one.  I finally got HIV when I was single.  Slightly different set of rules.
But hey the basic rule is - protect yourself and use a condom.
So if you do this with your current bf, you should manage to stay HIV-.  So I hope your subsequent test in he next month or two will be HIV- and you start being attentive to always using condoms.  If you are with this guys a ways down the road, and he goes reliably undetectable, and you guys stay faithful, you could maybe go back to bareback.  Depending on what risk you can live with.
Another option is that you can go on Truvada and protect yourself from HIV infection.
Or, use a condom every time.
Hope your partner joins the forum, too.  ;D
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline prayforus

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Re: Pray for Us - BF Just diagnosed with HIV
« Reply #4 on: November 16, 2013, 09:38:34 PM »
The doctor did not misdiagnose Shingles as something else, let alone as a "HIV RASH".  But yeah an HIV+ person can get Shingles. I hope he got good treatment quickly. How is he doing his month?
And has he seen an ID doctor yet? How are his numbers?
You asked why you keep meeting HIV+ guys - well thats probably random. You asked why you keep having drama about possibly being infected in your relationships with guys who get surprise HIV diagnosis.  It doesn't take sherlock holmes to see the pattern. You haven't followed the logical rules about how abandon condoms in a relationship. Thats not a judgement, plenty of people don't manage to follow the rules, and thus we get infections in couples. Happened to me a few times and I was the HIV- one.  I finally got HIV when I was single.  Slightly different set of rules.
But hey the basic rule is - protect yourself and use a condom.
So if you do this with your current bf, you should manage to stay HIV-.  So I hope your subsequent test in he next month or two will be HIV- and you start being attentive to always using condoms.  If you are with this guys a ways down the road, and he goes reliably undetectable, and you guys stay faithful, you could maybe go back to bareback.  Depending on what risk you can live with.
Another option is that you can go on Truvada and protect yourself from HIV infection.
Or, use a condom every time.
Hope your partner joins the forum, too.  ;D

Thank you for your response.

He was just diagnosed a week ago. His first doctor visit is Monday. He is very tired though. He sleeps a lot. We are very close. Is it weird that he does not want me to go with him? He hasnt said that, but I kind of get the feeling.

I have been saying:

"Babe, if you want me to come with you to your appointment, I will! or I will be there!" His response is "Thanks babe  :)" and then the subject changes. I plan to have our first deep convo tomorrow night. Is there any questions I need to tell him to ask his doctors or will his doctors generally give him all the info he need? I think he might not want me to go because maybe the doctor will let him know when he was infected and that could possible know he cheated on me?

I don't want to step on his toes because I do know that he might need some "me" time, but if I was in the same position, I wouldn't want to go by myself and would have already spoke to my bf about coming with me. He has to understand that although I tested negative, in a sense this is still something that will affect my life if we decide to stay together. Which is what I hope.

Thank God for this forum.



Offline mecch

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Re: Pray for Us - BF Just diagnosed with HIV
« Reply #5 on: November 17, 2013, 06:28:09 AM »
My "feeling" is that you need to step back. Half the content of your posts is about your needs in relation to this news and his diagnosis. That's totally legitimate! 

He is the one who has the blow of a diagnostic at this time.  You are right to offer conversation and support, but just let him pick and choose what he wants from you and leave it at that, for the moment. Don't push.   Can't the "deep convo" wait a bit???  Both of you need to get a footing.

Infidelity weaves through most of your posts so this is a conversation and renegotation you are going to have sooner or later.  Thats going to be an emotional topic.

Bizarre as it sounds, try not to mix ALL the emotions wrapped up in such a conversation about the couple, with the emotions involved in getting through an HIV diagnosis.   HIV diagnosis, learning about ones current immune state, learning about treatment, a lot of this learning and thinking and decision making process goes best when its cleared of all the baggage of HIV stigma in society and the "moral" meaning of the HIV virus, and infidelity in couples, human sexuality and money and and and and and and and and and and and and and and



“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline mecch

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Re: Pray for Us - BF Just diagnosed with HIV
« Reply #6 on: November 17, 2013, 06:36:32 AM »
If he picked up HIV via being unfaithful and making the mistake of having unprotected sex. And furthermore put your health at risk after his risk taking.  He probably doesn't feel so great and probably doesn't need you sitting in the doctor's office, dealing with a negative result of betrayal and mistakes, with a doc just trying run through all the details of HIV as efficiently as possible.
 
If you have already forgiven him then you can tell him that.

He may need time to forgive himself.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline prayforus

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Re: Pray for Us - BF Just diagnosed with HIV
« Reply #7 on: November 18, 2013, 12:34:39 PM »
He has his first appointment today. Is there anything I should ask him? What exactly happens on your first trip to dr?

Offline xrel0aded

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Re: Pray for Us - BF Just diagnosed with HIV
« Reply #8 on: November 18, 2013, 01:31:05 PM »
Hey, I am just going through this as well and had my first appointment a few weeks back. Basically his doctor will ask some sexual history questions, ask when they think they had transmited it...they'll order some blood work and he'll have to get a bunch of blood drawn (i had 9 or 10 viles drawn my first visit). After he gets his Viral Load and CD4 count, resistance test, and other STI tests to see how is body is reacting to the virus and how much it has progressed, the next visit they'll likely talk about different medications and when he'd be comfortable with starting treatment. The main thing to remember is that everything will be okay.

Offline mecch

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Re: Pray for Us - BF Just diagnosed with HIV
« Reply #9 on: November 18, 2013, 04:44:18 PM »
If it is a good doctor, the doctor will say some variant of: "This is 2013 and HIV is a very manageable disease. You should live a healthy lifestyle. If you are smoking please quit.  The medicine is in place to effectively treat your HIV infection. Please go about all your big plans as usual... Expect to live a long life..." or along those lines...
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline prayforus

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Re: Pray for Us - BF Just diagnosed with HIV
« Reply #10 on: November 20, 2013, 07:23:02 PM »
He went to the doctor but he really didn't tell me anything. :-\ He says he gave blood and has to go back I think in a week for the results. Is that all I should now? This has  all been very hard. He actually seems to be doing fine and going about life. Maybe its easier for him, but this is bothering me because I want to know as much as possible if we are going to be together. I'm going to see if he invites me to his next appointment. Ive thought about HIV couples counseling.

I was expecting for him to come back home and kinda give me a detailed recap of what happened but he didn't at all. I don't know if i'm exaggerating or not, but I need to be fully informed and comfortable if we are deciding to continue this.

For the people who are in magnetic relationships, how informed are you about your partner's health info?

Offline prayforus

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Re: Pray for Us - BF Just diagnosed with HIV
« Reply #11 on: November 20, 2013, 07:56:58 PM »
He says that he doesnt want to bring it up or talk much about it because it makes him sad. I totally understand that. Thats why im in a weird place. This happened over 2 weeks ago, and we still have not had a serious conversation about it. Should I just give him time? I know if I dont bring it up, he wont.

Offline prayforus

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Re: Pray for Us - BF Just diagnosed with HIV
« Reply #12 on: November 20, 2013, 08:02:08 PM »
After you were diagnosed, how did you feel about sex? Im feeling so weird right now about sex. I am not sure how he is feeling. But since this is the third time I have had this scare, having actual sex is scary to me. I still have to wait about another month to make sure i'm negative. I just keep thinking about maybe a year from now when everything will be settled and better. He is just not a communicator. I dont want him to feel unwanted but I cant go to that level without more education and with me being more comfortable.Im totally fine with no sex. Is no sex in a magnetic relationship unusual? My head is just all over the place.

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Pray for Us - BF Just diagnosed with HIV
« Reply #13 on: November 20, 2013, 08:47:03 PM »
Hi Pray . Be sure to take care of yourself , if he refuses to talk to you about the issues you face as a couple ask him to seek counseling if its available . If he refuses to consider your needs then there is more than HIV that is hurting your relationship and future together .

Offline mecch

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Re: Pray for Us - BF Just diagnosed with HIV
« Reply #14 on: November 20, 2013, 09:51:59 PM »
I dont want him to feel unwanted but I cant go to that level without more education and with me being more comfortable.Im totally fine with no sex. Is no sex in a magnetic relationship unusual? My head is just all over the place.
Why would you give up sex?
We all know he rules of safe sex.  You can have safe sex with your HIV+ partner. Maybe will take some weeks or so for you both to chill out about the diagnosis, however.  As you say, you are both a bit weirded out. 

You can educate yourself about HIV.  You don't need your partner to do this for you. (He may not have that much knowledge and by what you describe, he may just go to the doc and do what the doc says and get on with his life... At least so far, thats his M.O....) 

Knowledge - you build it yourself it is not transmitted.   You certainly don't need his doctor and there won't be much time with the doc, anyway, so its really up to you to figure out what you need to know.

Yeah your partner will have to meet you half way for communicating about sero-discordancy.  If he's up to it. Does it have to be THIS WEEK?

The vibe I am getting from your posts is that you are at risk for smothering him.  Just a hunch. I dunno.

Also, maybe you are very weirded out about HIV, generally, besides your partner having it, and its going to take some work on your part and your part alone to be able to have a sero-discordant relation.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline prayforus

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Re: Pray for Us - BF Just diagnosed with HIV
« Reply #15 on: November 27, 2013, 10:24:20 PM »
i just want advice or if I am wrong or not. Way before he was diagnosed, I was telling him how we needed to start eating healther and to quit smoking. We dont cigarettes but marijuanna and he rolls them in cigars which of course has tabacco. Ever since his diagnosis, I have really been on him about continuing to smoke the cigars with marijuanna. Today we got into it because he promised that we would make an effort to stop smoking together. Especially now that he has been diagnosed. I can just see that if I dont bring certain things up, he wont change.

Now if he is smoking everyday and with friends etc, those friends wont be there if something happens. I will be. So am I wrong for letting him know he shouldnt be smoking? Should he be smoking? I know that marijuana is not bad, but the cigars and tabacco etc. Im just so confused.

Offline xrel0aded

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Re: Pray for Us - BF Just diagnosed with HIV
« Reply #16 on: November 27, 2013, 11:00:20 PM »
I think for a short while, you should not smother him and let him just come to terms with his diagnosis in his own way. You might end up doing more harm than good.

Offline mecch

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Re: Pray for Us - BF Just diagnosed with HIV
« Reply #17 on: November 27, 2013, 11:48:26 PM »
i just want advice or if I am wrong or not. Way before he was diagnosed, I was telling him how we needed to start eating healther and to quit smoking. We dont cigarettes but marijuanna and he rolls them in cigars which of course has tabacco. Ever since his diagnosis, I have really been on him about continuing to smoke the cigars with marijuanna. Today we got into it because he promised that we would make an effort to stop smoking together. Especially now that he has been diagnosed. I can just see that if I dont bring certain things up, he wont change.

Now if he is smoking everyday and with friends etc, those friends wont be there if something happens. I will be. So am I wrong for letting him know he shouldnt be smoking? Should he be smoking? I know that marijuana is not bad, but the cigars and tabacco etc. Im just so confused.

You seem to be changing the subject or going off on a tangent.  What has smoking some pot or pot and cigars (hmm, thats a new one for me ;D) got to do with managing a sero-discordant relationship?  Ditto - healthy eating.  Healthy eating doesn't have all that much to do with treatment of HIV, by the way.  Yeah smoking is bad for anyone, HIV+ or HIV-. 

There isn't some draconian set of dietary and health rules that descends upon us HIV+ folks, usually.  Basically you monitor your blood and start the HAART at the necessary time.   Otherwise, we can eat healthy or not, smoke or not, with basically the same considerations of HIV- folks.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

 


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