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Author Topic: Fear  (Read 2959 times)

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Offline Theyer

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  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Fear
« on: November 10, 2013, 08:59:11 AM »
Next week I go for full bloods / Urine and on 3 Dec meet with Dr D to discuss the results , I have passed the 100 mark off such check up,s but I always have to deal with the fear that these results will show something serious.

Now because I have experienced going for the results  feeling fine and hearing that levels off so and so are up and  six months later I am living in the hospital as the good medics and I do all we can to get me well enough to survive the next round off chemo and so on. This has robbed me off the mind trick off " you feel fine you are fine "

Depression for me means being tired and sleeping a lot , plus the usual feelings off bottomless misery, anyway being  seriously ill has always been forshadowed by sleeping a lot.

The last period off counselling I had dealt with what the therapists termed "the high expectations I place on myself that ignores the reality off the illnesses I have had and the permanent damage they have done "

Translated ------accept the fact that you lucky to be alive are you going to spend that time trying to attain the impossible ?

She was not the first to say this in one way or another , and reluctantly these last 2 or so years I have  and on balance I reckon I am the better for it.
But now I have the run up to the appointment that will give me the scientific reading off how I am , if there are no other appointments from these results I will be delighted ,if not I will not be surprised and get on with it.

But until then its am I ill or scared or depressed ---off course the fact is I am all 3 as well as a reasonably functioning friend /brother etc. Its 13.35 now the doom in my stomach has lessened , 4 crepes/ demerara sugur ,lemon juice and a pint off coffee strong Italian blend with full fat cream consumed. The weather is good and hopefully I will walk Mia , which will buck me up ...and so on.

But the fact is each day will include this bloody awful mental juggling act . After I spell check this I will walk Mia . 8 am this morning that was out off the question , so progress.

So if you read this and you are negative please do all you can to stay that way .
To all my LTS friends ,its a great bonus to be able to get this down and send it out,

I thank you.

m
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline aztecan

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  • 29 years positive, 57 years a pain in the butt
Re: Fear
« Reply #1 on: November 10, 2013, 10:30:16 AM »
Hey Michael,

While I am not quite in your situation, I believe I understand how you feel.

There are days when it all seems to be just too much to handle. Then, we muddle through as best we can, as you said you have been doing.

No good answers here, but I will send all the positive energy I can muster to bolster you.

HUGS,

Mark
"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline Theyer

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  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: Fear
« Reply #2 on: November 10, 2013, 02:57:38 PM »
Hey Michael,

While I am not quite in your situation, I believe I understand how you feel.

There are days when it all seems to be just too much to handle. Then, we muddle through as best we can, as you said you have been doing.

No good answers here, but I will send all the positive energy I can muster to bolster you.

HUGS,

Mark


No good answers what rubbish Mark your posts and reliable reaction to my posts got my shopping done today, in a round-a-bout manner.
I write these posts because it does help me, and reading replies cheers and batters at the alone-ness off it all.
No good answers--phiffle
love
m
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline mitch777

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  • Posts: 3,605
Re: Fear
« Reply #3 on: November 10, 2013, 03:39:20 PM »
Michael,

I struggle with the same issues. Probably not to the extent you do but feeling tired, depressed and ill are tough battles. We want to believe that we can conquer the world and yet some days we simply can't.

My psychiatrist has told me that I should not be so hard on myself and to accept my limitations. Part of me agrees with her and another part of me gets a little ticked off.
Easy for her to say, I think to myself. Acceptance can be tough but a blessing as well.

Hang in there in the coming days. I hope your appointment brings with it good news and no further tests.

hugs,
m.

 
32 years hiv+ (oct. 2013) with a curtsy.

Offline BT65

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Re: Fear
« Reply #4 on: November 10, 2013, 04:58:35 PM »
Hi Michael,

I feel that way about certain markers in the lab tests (dread).  I hope your results will be great with no follow up.  I will keep this thought in my mind for you, and send good energy when it pops up, which will be frequently.

Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline harleymc

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  • Posts: 235
Re: Fear
« Reply #5 on: November 11, 2013, 09:26:29 PM »
Quote
The last period off counselling I had dealt with what the therapists termed "the high expectations I place on myself that ignores the reality off the illnesses I have had and the permanent damage they have done "

Translated ------accept the fact that you lucky to be alive are you going to spend that time trying to attain the impossible ?

I think your emotional state has profoundly influenced your 'translation'. In fact why 'translate' to an alternate text? The reality is we have major health challenges, if we reject that reality we're in denial or we have a God delusion.

All we need to do is to manage those realities to maximize our quality of life, leave the impossible for the the divine.

Hugs



Offline Theyer

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  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: Fear
« Reply #6 on: November 12, 2013, 10:58:43 AM »
Went for bloods yesterday and Urine sample, Urine has blood in it full results Friday and Monday. As usual met a lot off extremly good people who all remember my name, I have the worst memory for names and if they have no name badge then its endearments which I like using anyway.

Today is painful and weary but I am able to read and the deli had not sold out off cranberry/sultana/granola crunch . I would call it a Fruit flap jack . I love them.
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline Theyer

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  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: Fear
« Reply #7 on: November 12, 2013, 11:06:30 AM »
Though the real excitement off yesterday was finding a 1960 Green Penguin Crime
Maigret,s mistake. Fantastic cover .
Plus getting the last copy, in the shop ,off the newly translated Valerio Varesi novel so at least I have some prime reading ahead.
Thats the beauty off ones hospital being in a rich shopping area the food is good, they have a proper bookshop and the charity shops are always worth a look in .
« Last Edit: November 12, 2013, 11:09:34 AM by Theyer »
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline mitch777

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Re: Fear
« Reply #8 on: November 12, 2013, 11:16:21 AM »
Sorry to hear that you aren't feeling well today Michael. Hope your test results come back without issues.
Snuggle in and enjoy your book. Sounds like a good idea, maybe I will do the same.

m. :)
32 years hiv+ (oct. 2013) with a curtsy.

Offline BT65

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Re: Fear
« Reply #9 on: November 12, 2013, 04:58:19 PM »
Went for bloods yesterday and Urine sample, Urine has blood in it full results Friday and Monday.

Well, this has me concerned, Michael.  I know full well what an untreated UTI can do.  Did your doctor start you on any antibiotics? 

Please take care of yourself.  I'll be thinking about you, and you think about me.  K? :-*
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Theyer

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Re: Fear
« Reply #10 on: November 13, 2013, 08:35:46 AM »
Betty and Mitch , thank you for the replies , I am looking after myself and will ring the hos on friday to see if the test results are through. I took a sleeping pill last night so although still up and down  to the loo I did get some sleep and therefore feel refreshed.

The start off anti -bees will be on Friday , my choice as I have had many experiance,s off taking the wrong AB for the job .I am allergic big time to Penecillin so it complecates things.
« Last Edit: November 13, 2013, 08:39:08 AM by Theyer »
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline wolfter

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Re: Fear
« Reply #11 on: November 14, 2013, 11:53:10 AM »
I'm getting lax at missing posts...sorry for being late.  Sending you the most positive energy I can.  Take care buddy.

Wolfie
Complacency is the enemy.  ;)  Challenge yourself daily for maximum  return on investment.

Offline Theyer

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  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: Fear
« Reply #12 on: November 15, 2013, 04:51:04 PM »
Well by this morning the Petri dish supported my claim on Monday thay I had a urine infection which freed up a script for a weeks worth off Trmethoprim. I am knackered and melancholy. So the kind words off support are gratefully received .
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Online Jeff G

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Re: Fear
« Reply #13 on: November 15, 2013, 04:55:50 PM »
I hope you feel better Theyer . I have no magic words to make it better but I did a happy dance and sent it out to you . Its all I got .

Offline mitch777

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Re: Fear
« Reply #14 on: November 15, 2013, 05:03:52 PM »
Sending anti-urinary infection vibes across the pond. Feel better soon. :)
m.
32 years hiv+ (oct. 2013) with a curtsy.

Online Miss Philicia

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Re: Fear
« Reply #15 on: November 15, 2013, 05:28:23 PM »
Michaeltheyer, I wish I were in London because I'd come over and bring you something tasty, like a weird craving only a pregnant woman would want. I'd do my best to take your mind off of everything and bring you cheer, because fear in the face of impending and/or ongoing health weirdness I know all too well, and we both know it feeds on itself. I trust you are meditating or what have you that works in such situations, even if only half way, especially in the hours leading up to sleepy time.

And of course I would hug you a lot. You're a great man and I wish I knew you better than through the screen of a computer.

Much love,

David
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline Theyer

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  • Posts: 2,543
  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: Fear
« Reply #16 on: November 16, 2013, 04:30:19 AM »
I am some what overwelmed , I needed some care.,but still struggle asking for it so when It comes unbidden, I am quiet and still, which is good for me
Thank you. thanks very much , All off would be the most welcome guests
.
m
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline Theyer

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  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: Fear
« Reply #17 on: December 03, 2013, 01:48:21 PM »
Well clap yourself,s on the back because all my tests where for me fine , no further test,s to have. Doc agreed that the symptoms I manage on a day to day basis that become more extreme when I have a temp or infection are indeed very much what went on prior to the Hodgkin diagnosis. Continue to be UD and the icing on the cake a CD4 blip so I finally have 400+ CD4  (418 ) . Next appointment like this one 3 months time.

The Good luck fairy stayed with me.There is a very good Paint maker near the hospital ,                       http://www.papers-paints.co.uk/                          they sell off over bought stock at 85% off , and I struggled home with 5 lts darkvelvetysmokimg grey emulsion / 2.5 lt very light spring fresh green eggshell  /2.5 lt whitegreyish hint off yellow eggshell . All water based , this paint is a joy to use.

All for 20 quid. JOY.

Thanks all for the kind words
m
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline britchick

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Re: Fear
« Reply #18 on: December 03, 2013, 04:38:57 PM »
Im glad that you are feeling better now.Happy painting!Or better still....you could "supervise" and get some friends over to help

britchickx

Offline britchick

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Re: Fear
« Reply #19 on: December 03, 2013, 04:40:20 PM »
PS 400 is great too.

britchickx

Offline britchick

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Re: Fear
« Reply #20 on: December 03, 2013, 04:43:23 PM »
Oops sorry didnt see pre haart at top.Sorry again

Offline mitch777

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Re: Fear
« Reply #21 on: December 04, 2013, 09:46:39 AM »
Yay Michael! :)
32 years hiv+ (oct. 2013) with a curtsy.

Offline aztecan

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  • Posts: 5,400
  • 29 years positive, 57 years a pain in the butt
Re: Fear
« Reply #22 on: December 08, 2013, 09:45:53 AM »
That's great, Michael!

HUGS,

Mark
"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

 


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