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Freaking out and scared.

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I found out I was Poz on 23 Oct 2013. I went to the doctor due to a soar throat, swollen gland in neck. I requested a full STD test including HIV because  the guy I dated previously called and told me he had a "skin Infection" and I should get checked out. seemed fishy to me, ya know. I thought I'd come out syphilis- then BOOM...
I took it well as possible. No tears, screaming or punching. The next day, I went to an ID clinic. Of course they said all the things they would typically say to an infected person. I'm thinking man just tell me how long do I have...
I know that there have been some great accomplishments in treatment, but in my mind, I see scenes from Philadelphia, pics of Rock Hudson. I remember the ridicule...years ago, a friend had a friend w/ HIV. I can remember her bleaching the toilets, giving her disposable cups and flatware. This was back in the nineties. I don't want that. I have decided not to tell any of my family or friends. If they knew, they will slowly distance themselves from me. My in laws would try to take my child(10 y/o) away- as if I am putting her at risk.
I am just so pissed. pissed at myself- pissed for letting someone have this control over me. The person who infected me will not admit they are infected. I said I would wait for the Health department to contact me (ID said they would be calling me) so I can give them their name. I just don't want anyone else to get infected. It is not fair. This may not prevent him form doing this to anyone else- but at least he'd be on record.
I cannot worry about that now...I rcvd a call from the ID nurse who said I have a very healthy immune system- did not give any numbers. I want to know. She has not returned my calls re: my FMLA paperwork- that she suggested I get in case I need to go to an appointment and needed the day off. I just do not know what to do.
When I look at myself in the mirror, I see the letters H I V traveling through my veins. When I see blood, I see Infectious, death. I wonder If people can tell I have HIV  by looking at me. I constantly ask myself- can they tell.
I felt so fatigued for the last couple of weeks. I was unable to eat. I still find it a little hard. I have to force myself to eat. I still take my vitamins- multi, d, c, and fish oil. I stopped Echinacea because I read that it can cause the virus to multiply(?). I find myself crying off and on, thinking how I will never be in another relationship again. I will never have another life partner. Who is going to want to mess with me- to deal with this? Most of all, I am angry at myself, I knew better, and now it is possible I may not see my daughter walk across the stage to get her diploma-degree-marriage. I have dealt her the short end of the stick. I suck. if it was not for her, I would be dead. I would have killed myself after finding out I was poz- eventually. If she wasn't here........
Sorry if too long. Thank you for allowing me to rant/vent. I found this site the day I rcvd the news- it has been very helpful knowing there are people who have lived and continue living with this disease.
Thanks for sharing.
More to come...

Hi PS, welcome to the forums.

I have to ask - are you a woman? The women's forum is for women only. Sometimes guys don't realise that.


Yes, I am a woman

positivelyscared ((((HUGS))))  I"m so sorry you find yourself here.  I was touched by your story because you found out in a similar way as I did.  I have been living with HIV for over 5 years now.  I found out because I suspected I might have gotten herpes from my partner.  I got the HIV test just because but never dreamed in a million years that it would come back positive.  I remember when the doc's office told me to come in right away and I was trying to think of why they would be doing that.

I had many of the same thoughts that you had.  I too remember seeing myself as this infected person with only a few years left to live.  I was diagnosed the day before before my birthday and I had to go to work the next day.  My coworkers had a cake with candles and I can remember feeling like I was spreading HIV on the cake. 

I can tell you that things will get much better for you.  Five years later, and I can go for days and sometimes forget I have it.  You seem to have caught your infection early so there is no reason why HIV would keep you from seeing your daughter graduate.  If you take your meds the way you're supposed to and don't have any other health problems, you should have a normal lifespan.  The prognosis is wonderful for people diagnosed with HIV these days.  I am positive that HIV won't be what kills when when I eventually die.  The meds don't give the majority of people any side effects and many people are able to take one pill once a day.

Five years ago, I thought my life was over, but it turned out it was just beginning.  After I got diagnosed, I got married, had a baby, and am now pregnant with my second.  HIV for me has not been a death sentence and has not stopped me from doing any of the things I had planned for myself.  It has gone from being the worst thing ever to just another one of those things I have to deal with.

Just take things day by day and know that a year from now you will be probably be a whole lot more optimistic than you are now.  A good counselor can help too.  I did not see one when I was first infected but I wish I had.

Hi Positively,
Your fears are very real, but should be temporary the more you learn and the longer you live with this.  As you can tell from my pic signature, I've been diagnosed for over 20 years.  Caught it from my first husband.  He died when I was in treatment for alcohol/drug issues.  I was very scared when I was diagnosed, because people were not living, they were dying all around me.  Now it is much different with the advances in treatment.
I work for an Aids service organization and we have lost a few clients in this past year.  But, it was because they stopped taking their medication for whatever reason.  Times today are not what they were 20 years ago. 

I have watched my daughter grow into a lovely  young woman, and have 3 grandchildren.  So, I have seen all that happen, and when I was diagnosed my daughter was still a toddler.  So there is that possibility that if you continue to get medical monitoring, you will see your daughter graduate, go on with a career, etc. 

Everything you're feeling is perfectly normal when first diagnosed.  If it gets too intense, I would strongly suggest therapy.  I don't know where you are located, but you may wish to find your nearest Aids service organization, and find out who the counselors in the area are, who have dealt with HIV issues.  Don't put that off.  It is important to talk out and get help with learning how to deal with this effectively.

We are here.  We will listen.  Please continue to post, and take care of yourself.



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