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Author Topic: Do i tell her?  (Read 1238 times)

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Offline justchill

  • Member
  • Posts: 10
Do i tell her?
« on: November 01, 2013, 05:30:37 PM »
I have a bittersweet situation, it has been bothering me for some time but i am a bit afraid of the reaction I'll receive.

Ok so over the summer my boyfriend and i engaged into a polyamorous relationship with a female friend of ours, it was unplanned, things just happened.

well i've been positive for a year, my boyfriend is neg but we still have unprotected sex, we are carefully and i take my meds, he's been test just last week(still neg).

anyway, we'd never really planned on sex because my boyfriend actually doesn't like the sexual acts of being with women but i do...
    One drunk night after the club we all tumbled back into the apartment, like always we all down-dressed and hopped in bed.
 with him be hind me and me behind her, hell we all got horny....before i knew it she'd hopped right on top of me and we had sex...

 i normally would disclose my satus to anyone but because the heat of the moment, i didn't even stop her...it makes me feel bad because i shouldve had more willpower but now that it is all down and over with...........DO I TELL HER my status especially after its been so long since that incident?
i feel like it will only stir up drama, but on the other hand i feel she should know  ... the only reason this is hard because i don't want to get myself into trouble knowingly having sex with someone knowing i was poz at the time....
Leo_ThePrince

Offline tednlou2

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,986
Re: Do i tell her?
« Reply #1 on: November 01, 2013, 06:23:04 PM »
What's your viral load?  Are you UD?  I know you said you're on meds, but didn't say whether you're UD yet.  Did you cum inside her?  Did you have anal sex with her? 

While the risks are extremely low, especially if you are UD and since she's a woman (for vaginal sex), I still think she should be told-- so she can get tested.  I mean, you said she's your friend.  Would you want to be told, even if you hopped on a bare cock while drunk?  I think while many would say you cannot expect that from a stranger, I do think friends are different.  Of course, I realize the issues with criminalization laws and how someone who may already be poz could blame you.  So, I do see the big complicated issues with this.  I admit that the legal issues would cause me the same doubt and that it is easy for me to give this advice, since I am not the one who could deal with that. 


Offline justchill

  • Member
  • Posts: 10
Re: Do i tell her?
« Reply #2 on: November 01, 2013, 06:42:53 PM »
it was only vaginal sex...i am not sure of my numbers until next week, i just had a lab done lastweek. i do want to tell her so that she can get checked as a friend, but then again, i've learned since that she is a sexually active girl, slept around with several guys unprotected, i am almost thinking that she is already positive but i don't know for sure...but i know anyone just running around having unprotected sex must be aware of all the risk??? that is the only reason i dont want to tell her, because she has been to a doctor in over 2 years...she could be poz and then use this incident to claim that it mustve been me to get her positive... L-( i think ill play it safe

What's your viral load?  Are you UD?  I know you said you're on meds, but didn't say whether you're UD yet.  Did you cum inside her?  Did you have anal sex with her? 

While the risks are extremely low, especially if you are UD and since she's a woman (for vaginal sex), I still think she should be told-- so she can get tested.  I mean, you said she's your friend.  Would you want to be told, even if you hopped on a bare cock while drunk?  I think while many would say you cannot expect that from a stranger, I do think friends are different.  Of course, I realize the issues with criminalization laws and how someone who may already be poz could blame you.  So, I do see the big complicated issues with this.  I admit that the legal issues would cause me the same doubt and that it is easy for me to give this advice, since I am not the one who could deal with that.
Leo_ThePrince

Offline Jeff G

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  • Member
  • Posts: 12,172
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Do i tell her?
« Reply #3 on: November 01, 2013, 07:28:51 PM »
You are going to have to tell her so she can get tested . Its your responsibility to negotiate safe sex as well as hers , meaning you are 100 % responsible for who you fuck and the same for her .

You made a mistake so now you must make it right .   

Offline karry

  • Member
  • Posts: 271
Re: Do i tell her?
« Reply #4 on: November 01, 2013, 07:47:47 PM »
Its not because she had sex with you or any other person that she deserves to be exposed to HIV by someone who knows he has HIV but engaged in unsafe sex with her all the same. Assume your role too and stop playing blame games.  Just because she sleeps around does not make her deserving of exposure to this virus.  After almost 7 years living with HIV , I know no one deserves to be exposed to this virus no matter their moral standards. Not fair to say what you said of her in your post.
« Last Edit: November 01, 2013, 07:52:15 PM by karry »
Take it a day at a time....and be positive about it too!

Offline Jeff G

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  • Member
  • Posts: 12,172
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Do i tell her?
« Reply #5 on: November 01, 2013, 07:55:28 PM »
I have a bittersweet situation, it has been bothering me for some time but i am a bit afraid of the reaction I'll receive.

Ok so over the summer my boyfriend and i engaged into a polyamorous relationship with a female friend of ours, it was unplanned, things just happened.

well i've been positive for a year, my boyfriend is neg but we still have unprotected sex, we are carefully and i take my meds, he's been test just last week(still neg).

anyway, we'd never really planned on sex because my boyfriend actually doesn't like the sexual acts of being with women but i do...
    One drunk night after the club we all tumbled back into the apartment, like always we all down-dressed and hopped in bed.
 with him be hind me and me behind her, hell we all got horny....before i knew it she'd hopped right on top of me and we had sex...

 i normally would disclose my satus to anyone but because the heat of the moment, i didn't even stop her...it makes me feel bad because i shouldve had more willpower but now that it is all down and over with...........DO I TELL HER my status especially after its been so long since that incident?
i feel like it will only stir up drama, but on the other hand i feel she should know  ... the only reason this is hard because i don't want to get myself into trouble knowingly having sex with someone knowing i was poz at the time....

You can find a way to tell her if you are in fear but telling her one way or the other is the only way forward .

Offline justchill

  • Member
  • Posts: 10
Re: Do i tell her?
« Reply #6 on: November 01, 2013, 08:03:01 PM »
Its not because she had sex with you or any other person that she deserves to be exposed to HIV by someone who knows he has HIV but engaged in unsafe sex with her all the same. Assume your role too and stop playing blame games.  Just because she sleeps around does not make her deserving of exposure to this virus.  After almost 7 years living with HIV , I know no one deserves to be exposed to this virus no matter their moral standards. Not fair to say what you said of her in your post.

you guys are right, i need to tell her to get it off my conscious , so ill figure the best way to tell her just so she can go get checked
Leo_ThePrince

Offline Jeff G

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  • Member
  • Posts: 12,172
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Do i tell her?
« Reply #7 on: November 01, 2013, 08:06:25 PM »
you guys are right, i need to tell her to get it off my conscious , so ill figure the best way to tell her just so she can go get checked

She can test 6 weeks past any possible exposure and again at 3 months to confirm the results .

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,925
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Do i tell her?
« Reply #8 on: November 02, 2013, 02:58:56 AM »
If you are undetectable its highly unlikely that you could transmit. Right?  Make sure you explain that to her when you tell her. If she is your friend she may well be mad at you, and maybe more than that, maybe she won't speak to you again.  But I doubt she will pursue you legally.  She might even be ok and appreciate you telling her. Maybe it will be a wakeup all and she will think twice the next time she hops on someones unprotected dick
If she was already HIV+, well then she should have disclosed to you as you should have disclosed to her.   

If she is HIV+ and doesn't know it, and discovers it because you tell her to get tested,  it probably wasn't you if you are consistently undetectable.

You didn't answer if you came in her or not.. I suppose it doesn't matter. A risk is a risk and it was  risk.

Is it illegal to not disclose where you are?

I think you should tell her but I think you should be informed in advance as to the laws.....
« Last Edit: November 02, 2013, 03:07:21 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

 


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