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Author Topic: Losing my mind, my heart, my drive  (Read 2150 times)

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Offline Strong_but_weak

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  • Posts: 24
Losing my mind, my heart, my drive
« on: October 24, 2013, 12:41:36 AM »
I'll start by saying I just hate this time of year (2 years ago in October  I destroyed my knee that because of no insurance is still destroyed, and November will mark 3 years of HIV)

I never had a relationship prior to contracting HIV, I've had 2 since then but both ended with me being left for other guys. I am so scared to hurt anyone else that I basically drive women away combine that with an utter lack of social skills that weren't developed in my teens and I feel like I'm stuck in a never ending circle. I hide behind a keyboard to get dates and after meeting in person (most times before I even disclose) I'm told that there's "no connection" I feel like I'm losing my mind because I don't see a way to break this and every time it happens it hurts that much more, even another positive person told me there was no connection and I feel shunned by everyone.

I just want to feel normal but I'm not even sure how that's supposed to feel.....being 27 and watching facebook status after status pop up with an engagement/marriage or expectant child on an almost daily basis drives the thought into my head that I just need to be prepared that this is how life will be, and that I get to sit on the sidelines of life and watch everyone I know thrive while I just exist.

A lot of time I feel as if I'm taking up a space, a job, a existence that someone else could put to better use. I feel all but defeated, I didn't work today and as a result the farthest I made it was my kitchen my phone was silent as nobody called or texted. How am I supposed to believe I'm capable of great things when everyone I know does just fine without hearing from me?

Offline intaglio

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Re: Losing my mind, my heart, my drive
« Reply #1 on: October 24, 2013, 10:06:21 AM »
For your knee, you should be investigating insurance options via the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare). If your finances prevented you from having insurance in the past, you likely will be able to receive subsidized insurance in 2014. Pre-existing conditions cannot be excluded, so you would be able to seek help for your knee.

Depression and HIV go hand in hand. HIV is a game-changer for sure. The way you talk here, you seem to be eyeballs deep in depression.

How am I supposed to believe I'm capable of great things when everyone I know does just fine without hearing from me?

With the exception of maybe your mother, no one expects great things from you. Most people have zero expectations for you. As long as you don't harm them or get in their way, most peoples' opinion of you is quite neutral. All in all, we are just background in others' personal narratives. (Believe me, you do not want to be the source of drama in others' lives, okay?)

As for people getting along without hearing from you, -you do seem a tad misinformed about others' need for you to influence their lives. Turn it around -how were you able to function so well without the intrusion of others into your life? Did your life grind to a halt because others did not make their presence known? No. Other peoples' lives don't stop and start at yours. Theirs are interwoven with yours.

Now, for facebook- quit comparing your life with others' highlight reels. Sure they post those special moments, because those are special moments, not their daily grind. You're not in competition with your friends and acquaintances are you? Is there a prize for whomever nabs an SO, ties the knot, and procreates first?  ::) Comparing yourself to others is a losing game anyhow, so don't play. Compare yourself to yourself alone.

So you think you're destined for perpetual singleness because you've struck out twice. You haven't even gotten in the game yet, let alone racked up any significant stats. Finding someone to share your life is a numbers game. You don't stop at two. Get to 10,000 and then we'll talk about you giving up. Every interaction has something it can teach you about yourself and the way you connect with others. No one gets it right the first time. No one gets it right every time. But the more you do it, the more times you get it right.

Yeah, rejection sucks. But unless you can be honest about why rejection occurs, you won't change the outcome from rejection to acceptance.

Plus, you can try too hard to find a relationship. You can come across as desperate for a relationship and that will spell doom to any chance you might have.

I just want to feel normal but I'm not even sure how that's supposed to feel.....

There is no normal. There is only you. Your only task is to be a better you today than yesterday. So you don't like your life at the moment. So you don't particularly like yourself at the moment. Since you have time on your hands, put it to productive use: identify what things in your life you control and what is beyond your control. The only way things are going to change is if you work at changing them.

The only way you get better at being around people is by being around people. Find ways to interact with others face-to-face. Start by observing others. Learn from them. Forget trying to forge relationships, or in some way become that all-powerful chick magnet you seem to think you need to be. Start by being an interesting person that people want to get to know.

Your life is not going to change overnight. There is nothing magical about changing whatever in your life. It all boils down to you.
Reality is frequently inaccurate.

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Losing my mind, my heart, my drive
« Reply #2 on: October 24, 2013, 06:59:03 PM »
I agree with intaglio.
You'll probably find a better social life and romantic life if you get involved face-to-face doing various activities.  See your friends, maybe make some new ones.  Join something social.  Join several things social. 
Be careful with Facebook.  Facebook is good for staying in touch but Facebook is not so good for lonely people or people with low self-esteem.  People put a lot of "self promotion" out there, "yeah, yeah, look at my fabulous life" etc etc.  And you have to take that all in perspective.  Few people want to go on Facebook to discuss their insecurities and frustrations and challenges but everyone pretty much has these.

Its not nice to hear "there's no connection" but in perspective its a pretty neutral statement and people are just being frank.  As long as you believe you have something to offer other people, and actually get out there and be social, eventually you'll find friends and lovers who like you for who you are. There will be a connection.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline NY2011

  • Member
  • Posts: 141
Re: Losing my mind, my heart, my drive
« Reply #3 on: November 08, 2013, 05:45:12 PM »
I feel for you, man, but i think you're going to be fine. You recognize the consequences of being socially awkward, and the consequences of not screening these internet dates more closely, to see if these women have a connection with YOU. If they aren't interesting TO you, then they aren't going to be interested IN you.  Besides, geekdom, awkward-ness and nerdiness is appreciated in today's culture.  You've got to embrace your weirdness, and then convince yourself that you are only interested in others that will too.  You just need to re-wire your thinking. Life is hard.  Harder for people like us in many respects, because of the social stigma, and the uncertainty regarding health, but it doesn't mean it's time to give up. Accept your self, don't self-hate, and come to a realization that some girl on-line isn't going to swoop into your life and rescue you from yourself, a.k.a the Cinderella Complex.  Actually, the only people that gravitate towards negativity are other negative people.  Is that what you want for yourself? I dont think you do.
10/26/2011 - SEROCONVERSION (hi fever+rash)
10/31/2011 - CD4= 154  VL>500,000 
10/31/2011 - started on Truvada+Prezista+Norvir
12/14/2011 - CD4= 750 VL=6412 (45%)
01/27/2012 - switched to Atripla
04/23/2012 - CD4=1,221 VL= 140  (47%)
06/22/2012 - CD4=1,224 VL= ud    (49%)
12/18/2012 - CD4=1,031 VL= ud    (51%)
09/16/2013 - CD4=1,151 VL= ud   ( 49%)
03/26/2014 - CD4=1,050 VL= ud

Offline emeraldize

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  • Posts: 3,350
Re: Losing my mind, my heart, my drive
« Reply #4 on: November 08, 2013, 07:16:10 PM »
SBW--

You received a lot of good advice here.

Definitely stay away from FB unless and until you can see it for what it is...storytelling. Sometimes the truth, lies, self promotion, etc.

It taunts if you're inclined to compare then despair.  Your journey is your unique path. Trust me--there are folks who would take your woes and the fresh water, food, clothing and family that accompany it. Take stock of what is going well enough--it is grounding to go with the basics. 

I do agree with Intaglio. Get that knee repaired to its optimum possible. Nothing screws with the mind like a hurt body whether knee or blood or cancer, or a combo topped off with depression.

Get your blood checked beyond HIV. Get your Vit D and B and iron levels checked and your thyroid tested.

And, sounds like you could benefit from some counseling. 

There is a woman out there--you just haven't met yet. Based on the often odd crap that is thrown about on dating sites,  I think face-to-face and learning to get past your social awkwardness would be a faster route to gaining some skills and ease.

Be as gentle with yourself as you would be with a friend sharing such things with you.

Get lots of rest and do some volunteer work if you're inclined. Adopt a senior citizen in a nursing home. So many are left in the dust by their children or have outlived all friends and family.

I am sure more advice is coming your way.  All of us on here have had to figure stuff out especially when looking for a partner whether HIV positive or not.

Em
« Last Edit: November 08, 2013, 07:18:54 PM by emeraldize »

Offline Strong_but_weak

  • Member
  • Posts: 24
Re: Losing my mind, my heart, my drive
« Reply #5 on: November 10, 2013, 06:52:33 PM »
SBW--

You received a lot of good advice here.
I see that, after I wrote this I just walked away from everything for a few days because the furstration with the inability to change became overwhelming.


Quote
Definitely stay away from FB unless and until you can see it for what it is...storytelling. Sometimes the truth, lies, self promotion, etc.
The problem is that's the way I communicate with a vast majority of friends and family back home, instead I just removed those that weren't important.

Quote
I do agree with Intaglio. Get that knee repaired to its optimum possible. Nothing screws with the mind like a hurt body whether knee or blood or cancer, or a combo topped off with depression.
I'd love nothing more to currently 97% of my income goes to my rent and I've been struggling to get answers as to why I'm not qualified for any federal/state/county help in regards to something that would improve my quality of live and also allow me to work in my field and be more productive.

Quote
Get your blood checked beyond HIV. Get your Vit D and B and iron levels checked and your thyroid tested.

I've asked.....sadly my case is handled at a county clinic where the goal is to prevent me from infecting others beyond that other ailments are just not a priority. I have had muscles spasms in my back as a compensation injury from my knee and it's just noted in a chart along with my knee. I've asked for thyroid (my mom had a hyperactive thyroid that was nuked) and testosterone levels (sympytoms I have fit either) but I've been told " we'll do it next time" and it's frustrating knowing something isn't right, I don't act or feel like I used to but because my HIV is controlled that's where their care stops.

Quote
And, sounds like you could benefit from some counseling.
I'd like to but I either I make too much to qualify for free help or not enough to afford any.

Quote
There is a woman out there--you just haven't met yet. Based on the often odd crap that is thrown about on dating sites,  I think face-to-face and learning to get past your social awkwardness would be a faster route to gaining some skills and ease.
I work at a theme park and interact with guests all the time. At work some of my co-workers think I'm cocky and arrogant, but while I'm at work I know I'm great at my job and it's a 180 from outside of work part of it is because I'm task oriented I know my job is to interact to connect and sell items to guests but outside of work I have no task other than to just live and it leaves nothing to compell me.

Quote
Be as gentle with yourself as you would be with a friend sharing such things with you.

Get lots of rest and do some volunteer work if you're inclined. Adopt a senior citizen in a nursing home. So many are left in the dust by their children or have outlived all friends and family.

I am sure more advice is coming your way.  All of us on here have had to figure stuff out especially when looking for a partner whether HIV positive or not.

Em
I get tons of rest yet I still just never have energy, I feel like I'm 80 myself a majority of days. I know I'm crazy and I thank you guys for putting up with my bouts of insanity.

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,350
Re: Losing my mind, my heart, my drive
« Reply #6 on: November 10, 2013, 07:23:16 PM »
You're not crazy. But your percentage of income going to rent is off the chart.  Did a roommate bail on you or do you need to get one? Most people would advise you to spend no more than 25-30% of your gross annual income on rent. So you don't have insurance at work or the option to get it?

Offline Strong_but_weak

  • Member
  • Posts: 24
Re: Losing my mind, my heart, my drive
« Reply #7 on: November 10, 2013, 07:39:36 PM »
You're not crazy. But your percentage of income going to rent is off the chart.  Did a roommate bail on you or do you need to get one? Most people would advise you to spend no more than 25-30% of your gross annual income on rent. So you don't have insurance at work or the option to get it?
Rent is $785 a month and average income is $809 a month. I went with student living so it's all inclusive and I walk to campus and ride my bike to work (which is part time, only upto 28 hours) and no insurance is available for anyone below full-time positions.

Offline aaware72

  • Member
  • Posts: 226
Re: Losing my mind, my heart, my drive
« Reply #8 on: November 10, 2013, 07:44:56 PM »
What state do you live in?  Have you talked to an ASO. 

"Yes, knowledge is power. Self-knowledge brings mastery of one's body."

Offline Strong_but_weak

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  • Posts: 24
Re: Losing my mind, my heart, my drive
« Reply #9 on: November 10, 2013, 07:47:13 PM »
What state do you live in?  Have you talked to an ASO.
Florida, and ASO?

Offline aaware72

  • Member
  • Posts: 226
Re: Losing my mind, my heart, my drive
« Reply #10 on: November 10, 2013, 08:01:21 PM »
ASO=Aid Service Organization.

Based on you saying you make 900$ a month that is only 10,800$ a year.  I would think that you may be able to find an ASO in your area may be able to help. 

http://projectresponse.org/hiv-organizations.htm

http://www.hopeandhelp.org/services.php

http://www.asofinder.com/
"Yes, knowledge is power. Self-knowledge brings mastery of one's body."

Offline Strong_but_weak

  • Member
  • Posts: 24
Re: Losing my mind, my heart, my drive
« Reply #11 on: November 10, 2013, 08:19:45 PM »
ASO=Aid Service Organization.

Based on you saying you make 900$ a month that is only 10,800$ a year.  I would think that you may be able to find an ASO in your area may be able to help. 

http://projectresponse.org/hiv-organizations.htm

http://www.hopeandhelp.org/services.php

http://www.asofinder.com/
I have casemanagement and HIV care thru ADAP and the county health department but for anything else (my knee) I don't qualify for any programs and have gone as far to have state senators look into things, based on my age and being a student I just don't qualify.

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,350
Re: Losing my mind, my heart, my drive
« Reply #12 on: November 11, 2013, 07:47:39 AM »
I understand now that you note you're a student and you work part-time. Why not go to student health and ask if they know if alternatives to try.

I suppose if I were in that predicament I would write to one of the top sports medicine orthopedic surgeons nearest me and plead my case in writing or, nowadays, using a brief video. If he turned me down, I'd move on
to another and another.

If you have no family member(s) or rich friends who can help, then be creative. I know of a transgender male who used an online fundraising campaign to raise money for breast reduction.

By the way, if your medical professional says "we'll do it next time" ask "why not now? I was told that the last time I was here. "

Good luck with your pursuit. 

Offline Strong_but_weak

  • Member
  • Posts: 24
Re: Losing my mind, my heart, my drive
« Reply #13 on: November 11, 2013, 10:17:04 AM »
I understand now that you note you're a student and you work part-time. Why not go to student health and ask if they know if alternatives to try.

I suppose if I were in that predicament I would write to one of the top sports medicine orthopedic surgeons nearest me and plead my case in writing or, nowadays, using a brief video. If he turned me down, I'd move on
to another and another.

If you have no family member(s) or rich friends who can help, then be creative. I know of a transgender male who used an online fundraising campaign to raise money for breast reduction.

By the way, if your medical professional says "we'll do it next time" ask "why not now? I was told that the last time I was here. "

Good luck with your pursuit.
For free care the clinic I'm in is the only show in town.

With the ortho's I've called and showed up to 13 different all turned me down.

While it's something important if I had insurance before hand I wouldn't be in the spot I'm in and don't feel it's something others should have to bail me out for since I put myself in this position.

I'd love to rage and just air all my disagreements with how my care is handled but I don't want to bite the hand that's keeping me undetectable.

Offline aaware72

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  • Posts: 226
Re: Losing my mind, my heart, my drive
« Reply #14 on: November 11, 2013, 01:28:07 PM »
I have casemanagement and HIV care thru ADAP and the county health department but for anything else (my knee) I don't qualify for any programs and have gone as far to have state senators look into things, based on my age and being a student I just don't qualify.


Well at least in my area the ASO offer all of that and much more.  Housing, mental health, food pantry, etc. 

At least in my state the Ryan White/ADAP fund are used to purchase me heath insurance.  I hear things in Florida are a bit different than we have here in the Northeast, however have you try to contact an ASO and asked for help?  Just because one place tells you no, doesn't mean there are not other sources out there to help. 

Anyway best luck

"Yes, knowledge is power. Self-knowledge brings mastery of one's body."

Offline emeraldize

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  • Posts: 3,350
Re: Losing my mind, my heart, my drive
« Reply #15 on: November 11, 2013, 05:40:42 PM »
I'm not suggesting for a moment that you "rage" with anyone at your free clinic. But if someone says next time, it's okay to hold someone to that in a warm, but assertive way.

Apparently by all of your reports, you've turned every stone so I'm bowing out.  You had 13 face-to-face visits with surgeons?  I'm sure there's a plaque for such an accomplishment. Best of luck in getting what you need.

Offline PiscesAries82

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  • Posts: 14
Re: Losing my mind, my heart, my drive
« Reply #16 on: November 11, 2013, 05:55:21 PM »
Intaglio.......wow....just WOW! Your post aimed at helping the author of this thread, but it has gone beyond that with motivating me. Your words touched on some of my deepest concerns with myself.

For your knee, you should be investigating insurance options via the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare). If your finances prevented you from having insurance in the past, you likely will be able to receive subsidized insurance in 2014. Pre-existing conditions cannot be excluded, so you would be able to seek help for your knee.

Depression and HIV go hand in hand. HIV is a game-changer for sure. The way you talk here, you seem to be eyeballs deep in depression.

With the exception of maybe your mother, no one expects great things from you. Most people have zero expectations for you. As long as you don't harm them or get in their way, most peoples' opinion of you is quite neutral. All in all, we are just background in others' personal narratives. (Believe me, you do not want to be the source of drama in others' lives, okay?)

As for people getting along without hearing from you, -you do seem a tad misinformed about others' need for you to influence their lives. Turn it around -how were you able to function so well without the intrusion of others into your life? Did your life grind to a halt because others did not make their presence known? No. Other peoples' lives don't stop and start at yours. Theirs are interwoven with yours.

Now, for facebook- quit comparing your life with others' highlight reels. Sure they post those special moments, because those are special moments, not their daily grind. You're not in competition with your friends and acquaintances are you? Is there a prize for whomever nabs an SO, ties the knot, and procreates first?  ::) Comparing yourself to others is a losing game anyhow, so don't play. Compare yourself to yourself alone.

So you think you're destined for perpetual singleness because you've struck out twice. You haven't even gotten in the game yet, let alone racked up any significant stats. Finding someone to share your life is a numbers game. You don't stop at two. Get to 10,000 and then we'll talk about you giving up. Every interaction has something it can teach you about yourself and the way you connect with others. No one gets it right the first time. No one gets it right every time. But the more you do it, the more times you get it right.

Yeah, rejection sucks. But unless you can be honest about why rejection occurs, you won't change the outcome from rejection to acceptance.

Plus, you can try too hard to find a relationship. You can come across as desperate for a relationship and that will spell doom to any chance you might have.

There is no normal. There is only you. Your only task is to be a better you today than yesterday. So you don't like your life at the moment. So you don't particularly like yourself at the moment. Since you have time on your hands, put it to productive use: identify what things in your life you control and what is beyond your control. The only way things are going to change is if you work at changing them.

The only way you get better at being around people is by being around people. Find ways to interact with others face-to-face. Start by observing others. Learn from them. Forget trying to forge relationships, or in some way become that all-powerful chick magnet you seem to think you need to be. Start by being an interesting person that people want to get to know.

Your life is not going to change overnight. There is nothing magical about changing whatever in your life. It all boils down to you.

Offline Strong_but_weak

  • Member
  • Posts: 24
Re: Losing my mind, my heart, my drive
« Reply #17 on: November 17, 2013, 12:29:44 AM »
Turns out the AHA won't help me get insruance because I don't earn enough to get a tax credit so any premium would be full price. And since Florida didn't enact the expanded Medicare program I fall (shockingly) into the gap where I don't qualify for any help (a repeating theme)

Offline aaware72

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  • Posts: 226
Re: Losing my mind, my heart, my drive
« Reply #18 on: November 17, 2013, 09:34:26 AM »
Again have you reached out to an ASO?  these are organization that are there to help.  How about Ryan White in FL?
"Yes, knowledge is power. Self-knowledge brings mastery of one's body."

Offline Life

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  • Posts: 2,388
  • Member 2005
Re: Losing my mind, my heart, my drive
« Reply #19 on: November 18, 2013, 01:26:16 AM »
A couple things I see that helped me along the way...

Stop comparing your insides with peoples outsides.   
Being in the big "R" relationship is not going to fix the current problem of you being happy with you...  Maybe try and develop a relationship with yourself first.  God does not create junk.  And your not.  Beleive it..

Eric

Offline Strong_but_weak

  • Member
  • Posts: 24
Re: Losing my mind, my heart, my drive
« Reply #20 on: November 18, 2013, 10:09:33 PM »
Again have you reached out to an ASO?  these are organization that are there to help.  How about Ryan White in FL?

From the asofinder page all they have in the county is a pharmacy and case management nothing else. The other links had nothing on this side of the state, here the county program is the only show in town. If there were options I'd have found them.

 


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