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Author Topic: partner lying about hiv status  (Read 3361 times)

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Offline planet-b

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partner lying about hiv status
« on: October 22, 2013, 05:12:54 AM »
i'm new here but i've been reading some stuff on and off; think it's a great forum.
i guess i'm seeking some feedback on an issue that came up between my partner and me.

we are hiv-discordant, he is poz, i'm neg. we met in 2010 and were quickly madly in love with each other, although we initially met for anonymous sex only. we split up some time late over some other issues, but came back together again recently.

when we first met we had protected sex obviously, and he said that he had recently done a test about four months ago (in late 2009) which was negative. we still had protected sex though except that i swallowed his cum a couple of time and he let me. then, three months into the relationship he went for testing and the results came back positive. it was a tough time also for me not knowing if i will zero convert, although the risk was very small. we stayed together regardless because it doesn't really matter to me if my partner is poz or not.
then we split up over some other things and lost sight of each other for a year or so.

we started seeing each other again some months ago and we're very happy i guess.

yesterday we were talking and it became apparent that he actually was poz and under treatment since 2008. so basically, he lied to me over the issue and he 'made up' a story in 2010 when we met claiming that he had been tested poz three months into our relationship. obviously i was mad and left the house. he says that he had hidden it from me because he was afraid to lose me and that he hadn't come to terms with his infection himself at that time. he says he would not have had me giving him wet blowjobs if his results had not been fine (undetectable, very good CD4 count etc).

my problem is that it has eroded my trust in him. and yes, he did put me at risk somehow as he could not have known if i don't have another STD or whatever else... a gum infection etc. i'm disappointed and i can't make that feeling go away even if i wanted to. he took my chance away to make an informed decision on how far i want to push things sexually and what risk i'm willing to take. he made that decision for me and that's deeply selfish i find...

he says that he panicked because we met for an anonymous encounter at first, where he didn't feel compelled to disclose his status - and for anonymous encounters i understand that.  but very quickly he says he felt obliged to tell me but didn't know how.

i would be interested in your views. i'm not poz so maybe there's something i don't understand about his reaction at the time, then being a person with enormous difficulties   accepting himself as a poz (luckily that changed by now, he's very active in the HIV movement doing prevention campaigns etc).

am i overreacting? am i right in thinking what i think? how should i deal with this?
thx in advance

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: partner lying about hiv status
« Reply #1 on: October 22, 2013, 06:27:52 AM »
Similar scenario happened to me in the early 90's. I was neg, he was poz and lied about it.  This was before HAART mind you, so he had a detectable viral load.  Fortunately, we had only protected sex. I never had a risk. But when I discovered the lie, the trust was broken.  I left by the end of the day.  Took us 10 years to be friends again.   
So that was 20+ years ago. I've had other relationships since then. Some of them sero discordant when I was negative...
I will say this - 10 years was too look to wait to patch it up with my ex, to have good feelings... There were ORIGINAL reasons I was attracted to him and he is, overall, a good person.  Just flawed..  But aren't we all.

Meaning while I feel it was necessary to break up, it wasn't great to have to go through the melodrama.  And to loose him for some many years.   We're all human and make mistakes. 

Depending on exactly how cool and rational you can be, it might be possible to forgive his uncharitable actions, and just move on, staying together. 

Its really your call.  If you haven't been together all that long, you may not know the debts of what a GOOD person he is, yet one who is human and can be selfish and stupid occasionally.   On the other hand, equally true, this lie about HIV to get what he wanted (companionship, easy stress free sex) may be a sign that you do not know how deep his JERKY selfishness runs...     

You're going to have to trust your instincts and also read all his behaviours up to now, to gage his character, and make the call...
« Last Edit: October 22, 2013, 06:30:10 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: partner lying about hiv status
« Reply #2 on: October 22, 2013, 08:27:01 AM »
PS forgive the typos, didn't have my glasses on!

By the way, you two probably didn't take a risk, also xx times that because he was undetectable. 

But you are FULLY correct, he should have told you and let you make your choice! 

I think you can have a conversation specifically about trust, and your disappointment, if you haven't done so already.... Good luck!

By the way, what happened with that old ex of mine, is that we were being socially respectful after a long pause where I just avoided him completely.  This was years after I walked out.  And then one day he asked me for a drink and he gave me a very heartfelt, complete apology, that had NOTHING to do with his needs at the time (like your friend said, panic, love for me, wanting me, fear of rejection etc etc.). 

It was the first time he just laid it out completely and simply that let me know how he finally saw it through someone else's perspective, and how it was just lousy of him.   That was the key for me. I instantly liked him again as a person...
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline planet-b

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Re: partner lying about hiv status
« Reply #3 on: October 23, 2013, 03:17:14 PM »
mecch, thx for your response and wise words... will see how it goes

Offline planet-b

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  • Posts: 4
Discordant couple - risk of transmission through oral
« Reply #4 on: December 08, 2013, 07:35:20 AM »
feel a bit stupid to ask this question here (THE question that i guess most people ask) since i should be an expert...

this is the scenario: i'm in a zero discordant relationship, my partner is poz and i'm neg. he's on meds for at least 3.5 years, he's been continuously undetectable for at least that period with CD counts well over 1000.
we have protected anal sex, but unprotected oral and i swallow him from time to time. i have always tested neg but for some obscure (read irrational?) reason i'm a bit scared to go in two weeks time for my next appointment.

the reason for this is that i can remember two incidents lately where i thought i had a slightly bleeding spot on my gums (maybe an abrasion you might get when brushing your teeth - that kind of stuff...) when he came into my mouth. now i'm worried although i know all the stats by heart and that my risk is rather theoretical than real... but still it feels different this time.

any views or similar experience (especially for those of you who also live zero discordant relationships)?
thanks

Offline Ann

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Re: partner lying about hiv status
« Reply #5 on: December 08, 2013, 07:56:37 AM »
planet, I moved your new thread and merged it here with your original thread in the Someone I Care About forum as in your situation (an on-going serodiscordant relationship), this forum is a better fit for your thoughts and concerns. You also would not have been able to respond to your thread in Am I Infected without taking out a subscription.

I'm going to be a little pedantic for a moment - you're in a SERO-discordant relationship, not a Zero-discordant relationship. Sero is a prefix that relates to blood (as in serum) - and the discordant means your blood differs, him being hiv positive and you being hiv negative. End of language lesson. ;D



Infection through giving blowjobs is extremely rare, normally only occurring when the person being sucked has an extremely high viral load (as is common very early on in a person's infection, when they may not even be aware they are poz) and the person doing the sucking has really bad oral health - think "meth-mouth".

Given that your partner has had an UD VL for so long, you're panicking over nothing. Seriously.

Ann
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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline planet-b

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Re: partner lying about hiv status
« Reply #6 on: December 08, 2013, 03:15:30 PM »
thanks for your reply ann; much appreciated.
thanks also for moving the post under the right heading though putting under what i have written before means that not many people will reply to my query i guess :/

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: partner lying about hiv status
« Reply #7 on: December 08, 2013, 04:33:53 PM »
thanks for your reply ann; much appreciated.
thanks also for moving the post under the right heading though putting under what i have written before means that not many people will reply to my query i guess :/

Believe me, with all the Nosey Nellies around here, people will be reading the new activity in this thread and will respond if they think it's appropriate.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

 


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