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Author Topic: New sex life...  (Read 1695 times)

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Offline EUINAU

  • Member
  • Posts: 42
  • New to This
New sex life...
« on: October 16, 2013, 06:25:17 PM »
I have been positive about 5 months. My partner decided to stay on and support me ( he is negative)....
It however feels like I need to support him. He is top and not interested in sex with me.... Because of my work we only spent about 8 weeks in total together in last 5 months...
I got home after weeks away and all he wants is hugs. Well I want more and he suggests we need to see sex therapist... Why? I want it, he I am sure wants it with others.... Is it just obvious it is not gonna work and we should move on? We've been together for over 5 years and I do not want someone to feel sorry for me. I am not sorry for myself...
I'd be interested to hear from others who were in similar situation and how did they get around it if it worked or did you just split up?

Offline bocker3

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,359
  • You gotta enjoy life......
Re: New sex life...
« Reply #1 on: October 16, 2013, 06:31:46 PM »
I have been positive about 5 months. My partner decided to stay on and support me ( he is negative)....
It however feels like I need to support him. He is top and not interested in sex with me.... Because of my work we only spent about 8 weeks in total together in last 5 months...
I got home after weeks away and all he wants is hugs. Well I want more and he suggests we need to see sex therapist... Why? I want it, he I am sure wants it with others.... Is it just obvious it is not gonna work and we should move on? We've been together for over 5 years and I do not want someone to feel sorry for me. I am not sorry for myself...
I'd be interested to hear from others who were in similar situation and how did they get around it if it worked or did you just split up?

Not sure why you are resistant to seeing a therapist (a sex one or other....).  It seems to me that you are the one who wants to just throw it away without trying to fix the problem.  I am not sure why you think he "feels sorry" for you?  The fact that YOU want sex and he does not, suggests to me that talking to someone just might help. 
I have been with my partner for 23 years -- we have needed the assistance of a therapist on 3 different occasions over that time to help us work through issues. 
Relationships take work -- this isn't like the movies.  If you love this man, give it a try -- if you don't, well then move on, but be honest about it.  Again -- he has suggested that he wants to find a solution to the problem, you do not.

Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2013 691/31% <20

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,253
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: New sex life...
« Reply #2 on: October 16, 2013, 08:35:05 PM »
I doubt you need a "sex therapist" but why not have a go at couples therapy with a psychologist or psychiatrist.
You aren't getting the sex you want. He is frustrated and afraid probably.  And you are hinting at infidelity...
Yeah I have been there and I would guess your couple will implode if you don't start talking to each other and working out a sex life that suits the both of you.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline bocker3

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,359
  • You gotta enjoy life......
Re: New sex life...
« Reply #3 on: October 16, 2013, 09:08:37 PM »
I doubt you need a "sex therapist" but why not have a go at couples therapy with a psychologist or psychiatrist.
You aren't getting the sex you want. He is frustrated and afraid probably.  And you are hinting at infidelity...
Yeah I have been there and I would guess your couple will implode if you don't start talking to each other and working out a sex life that suits the both of you.

A.  This man is  NOT qualified to tell you what sort of therapist you need.

B.  I don't think the problem is really about sex at all.  If it were and your partner suggested going to a sex therapist, you would be agreeing and making an appointment.  Not sure if the possible infidelity is part of it, but if you are of mixed statuses and you are newly poz, well....................  (no judgment on you there, as I became poz well into my relationship and he remains negative -- it is amazing what therapy, love and a desire to make something work can do)

C.  I don't know -- but maybe, just maybe, the fact that you've spent so much time apart may have something to do with this.  Yes, your status may play a role here too (all the more reason for therapy of some kind)

I'm not sure why it is "obvious" that it isn't going to work, however, I'm not there and you are.  I think you need to figure out what you want out of this relationship and why you don't seem to want to put any effort into saving it. 

Again -- only YOU can decide what you want, but I think you owe it to him and yourself to be honest here.  Either you want to try or you don't -- but that seems, from your post anyway, to be entirely your decision right now.  He has indicated a desire to try.

I wish you all the luck in figuring this out -- we all deserve to be happy.

Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2013 691/31% <20

Offline tednlou2

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,765
Re: New sex life...
« Reply #4 on: October 17, 2013, 01:37:49 AM »
How was his sex drive prior to your poz result?  Did he initiate sex?  How often did he want sex?  Is there definitely a change in his desire? 


Offline weasel

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,641
Re: New sex life...
« Reply #5 on: October 18, 2013, 09:21:07 AM »
I have been positive about 5 months. My partner decided to stay on and support me ( he is negative)....
It however feels like I need to support him. He is top and not interested in sex with me.... Because of my work we only spent about 8 weeks in total together in last 5 months...
I got home after weeks away and all he wants is hugs. Well I want more and he suggests we need to see sex therapist... Why? I want it, he I am sure wants it with others.... Is it just obvious it is not gonna work and we should move on? We've been together for over 5 years and I do not want someone to feel sorry for me. I am not sorry for myself...
I'd be interested to hear from others who were in similar situation and how did they get around it if it worked or did you just split up?

   
Howdy  EUINAU  ,
                            I was years into a long term relationship when I turned Full Blown AIDS , I am still with
my negative husband now over 30 years . 
   No relationship is easy .  Ours has has had twists and turns , My husband was never really a sex hound , with me  :-X  At Times I have felt unloved , But all is well , we seem to take turns on whom is more interested in sex .
   Yes we have talked to  psychologists and psychiatrists  , I do not care for couple sessions ,I end up looking like a fool  ???    BUT  they do help !   
  You are 5 years into a relationship , that says you like each other , I would try very hard to see why you think it is not working . 
  I for one much prefer hugging and snuggling on a daily basis than waiting to have sex when my honey bun is in the mood .  We actually have more sex than we did 10 years ago , so i'm OK .
  On your partner being unfaithful ?   If he were , let it go , Even if it's in your head it will fester into something bad .   Nobody is perfect , you may be in that boat one day . 
   Here's hoping you two figure it all out ,  I cherish my relationship , it's not perfect but it works  :)

                                                                                  Weasel
 
" Live and let Live "

Offline CallMeSid

  • member
  • Member
  • Posts: 88
Re: New sex life...
« Reply #6 on: October 18, 2013, 02:28:29 PM »
Is it possible that your partner is suggesting that you two go see a sex therapist together because he is in touch with his complicated feelings that are natural/common for the partner of a newly-diagnosed HIV+ person?

Perhaps he is feeling some anxiety about the risks for infection and that is leading to reduced libido/performance issues and he wants to talk about these things with you, but thinks it best that a third person -- a trained, experienced, objective third person -- be involved in these conversations to help you both express/process your feelings?

I hope you do follow-up with his suggestion.

Just my $0.02...
07/2006 HIV-negative
06/2007 HIV-positive
07/2007 CD4: 795 (40%), VL: <50
09/2007 CD4: 629 (43%), VL: 895  (~2 weeks after measles/mumps/rubella booster)
12/2007 CD4: 854 (45%), VL: <50
03/2008 CD4: 880 (45%), VL: 151
12/2008 CD4: 943 (46%), VL: 116
05/2009 CD4: 865 (44%)  VL: 107

Offline jkinatl2

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,007
  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: New sex life...
« Reply #7 on: October 18, 2013, 05:43:51 PM »
It seems like you indeed need to see a therapist, sex or otherwise. Alone or together, to work out the feelings behind the circumstances that led to your infection. This might be more than fear of HIV or lack of sexual desire. Trust issues and resentments do a real number on intimacy.

Regardless, couples' counseling of any sort sounds like a decent idea.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Jeff64

  • Member
  • Posts: 255
Re: New sex life...
« Reply #8 on: October 28, 2013, 02:54:18 PM »
I have not had sex with my husband since I was diagnosed. Too scary for both of us. I sometimes wish I was dead so he could have some sort of sex life with someone who isn't diseased.

I have been positive about 5 months. My partner decided to stay on and support me ( he is negative)....
It however feels like I need to support him. He is top and not interested in sex with me.... Because of my work we only spent about 8 weeks in total together in last 5 months...
I got home after weeks away and all he wants is hugs. Well I want more and he suggests we need to see sex therapist... Why? I want it, he I am sure wants it with others.... Is it just obvious it is not gonna work and we should move on? We've been together for over 5 years and I do not want someone to feel sorry for me. I am not sorry for myself...
I'd be interested to hear from others who were in similar situation and how did they get around it if it worked or did you just split up?

Offline jkinatl2

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,007
  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: New sex life...
« Reply #9 on: October 28, 2013, 03:07:14 PM »
I have not had sex with my husband since I was diagnosed. Too scary for both of us. I sometimes wish I was dead so he could have some sort of sex life with someone who isn't diseased.


This is an unacceptable, unsustainable way to live.

I really hope you and your boyfriend either get some serious help or that you can find someone who makes you feel like living, not dying.

Whether he means to or not, your partner presents a real and dangerous obstacle to your health.

Moreso than you could ever present to him with medications and safer sex.



"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline bocker3

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,359
  • You gotta enjoy life......
Re: New sex life...
« Reply #10 on: October 28, 2013, 11:23:05 PM »
This is an unacceptable, unsustainable way to live.

I really hope you and your boyfriend either get some serious help or that you can find someone who makes you feel like living, not dying.

Whether he means to or not, your partner presents a real and dangerous obstacle to your health.

Moreso than you could ever present to him with medications and safer sex.

I didn't read Jeff64's post as this being his husband's issue -- I read it as both of them are struggling with this.
Jeff -- you really need to come to grips with your new reality -- you statement of calling yourself "diseased" is a huge red flag to me.
When I tested positive -- 15 yrs into our relationship it took a little time for me to feel comfortable having sex with, now husband.  It was much more ME and my fear than his.  We needed to sit down and discuss both our fears.  Get it out on the table -- don't be afraid to tell it like it is.  Once I said some of my "fears" out loud, I could see how illogical I was being.  We worked our way back into it, with baby steps.  Looking back, it probably took longer than it should have, but it did happen.
Go at this together -- you are a couple and if you two desire to remain as one, you HAVE TO WORK THROUGH THIS TOGETHER.  However, you must, must, must keep up (or build back) your self-esteem.  You have a virus, you are NOT a virus. 
If it IS your partner driving this, as JK seemed to interpret it, then you must help him see this too and if he can't, well, then I am onboard with JK's take.  However, I am reading this, perhaps through my own lens, as a mutual apprehension.

Good luck -- life does go on, if you allow it to do so.

Hugs,
Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2013 691/31% <20

 


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