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Need support



So if you r reading this I appreciate any advice or help you can offer. My boyfriend of 4 years was recently diagnosed HIV positive while he was incarcerated. we had been living together but not having much sex because he was doing drugs. I don't do drugs I mean im no angle and im ive done more than expiment but no needle no heroin and my boyfriend was shooting up coke and meth yes its a horrible situation and he sounds like the worst person in the world but hes my best friend and I cant leave him hes always there for me and shows me love that ive never seen before he has 8 months clean but like I said hes still in jail. so he had told me back in march he was positive and I had figured it was me who gave it to him because we had broken up and I had another boyfriend and he hadn't been with anyone else... so I was terrified I literally almost died I was so so so scared. he found out in jail and knew for 3 monthes before telling me. I recently was tested and im negative...I just cant believe it I have no idea how he got this disease I told hinm to tell me everything and I know this kid pretty damn well imn no idiot and hes a bad liar he told me he hadn't shared a needle or slept with anyone besides two years ago we weren't ogther and he had another girl who ended up being a dirty whore and he told me shared a needle with his best friend and his sister two years ago!! so im like is it possibke he had it that long and still didn't spread it to me??!! when we have sex we don't use protection nbut we always pull out and we only have sex like 2 or 3 times amonth.... drugs and and a lot of other problems made us not intemite much because I fucking couldn't stand him fir the shit he was doing to himself and me. but im his girl and I don't take that shit lightly im loyal and I know people go through there stuff and I made the choice to stay by my man. hes the only one for me. but I guess what im getting at though is that I mean there really isn't much else he can do to fuck things up so im hoping that he continues on this path of good health and sobriety. but what does this mean now for our relationship can it be a normal healthy relationship. can we have children can we have sex without me contracting the virus. I have heard yes but I have also heard no. im so confused I just need someone to talk to beaccse I have nobody that could understand my position that I know... thanks for your help

Jeff G:
Welcome to the forums Blacklace . I moved your thread into the proper forum where it can be seen and get more reply's  .

Hi Blacklace.  I'm sorry to hear about the difficulty your experiencing but I applaud you for reaching out and seeking information about HIV when so many turn their backs on those who are HIV+.

You've touched upon a number of different issues in your story and I'll try to address a few.  First, HIV is not easy to transmit so it is possible your boyfriend has been HIV+ for a while.  It may be nearly impossible to determine exactly who/when he contracted HIV from so I wouldn't waste any time or energy on it.  There are a lot of people on these forums from very different backgrounds and life experiences and I've learned it doesn't really matter how we got here.  We're here now and what matters is what we do going forward.

You say he can't fuck things up any more. Well, yes he can if he doesn't take care of his health and there are some incredible stories in these forums of people who have fucked things up extremely badly.  The flip side to this is that with the medicine available today he can manage HIV very well and live a long and healthy life.  I'd be concerned that he has obviously made some bad decisions in his life.  You need to be compassionate but provide some tough love if he isn't making good decisions.  And you need to look at yourself differently as well.  You're not his girl...You belong only to yourself and he's YOUR boyfriend. 

You can have children but it is absolutely imperative that you are both engaged with a HIV specialist with experience in this area to reduce the risk of yourself and children of becoming infected. 

Do you know if he's currently on meds for HIV?  When is he scheduled for release?  I'm not sure if there is any system in place to transition him into medical care upon his release but I'd look into this by contacting your local aids service organization (ASO) and asking.  Staying linked to proper medical care upon release and making it a habit immediately will be very important.  Also, encourage him to join these forums and stay engaged with others who may be able to relate.

Stay engaged here because there is a LOT to learn about HIV.  And most importantly take care of yourself. 

Be well.

Hi Blacklace,

Sorry to hear about all the confusion and turmoil.

I'm glad you remained HIV negative. Being Positive makes life quite a bit more complicated as your boyfriend will discover. The good news is, if he takes HIV medications every day for the rest of his life, exactly as prescribed he should lead a long and healthy life. This will mean he needs to get sober/ clean and stay that way.
Being successfully treated should also make him a lot less infectious as long as his viral load is fully suppressed. There would also be options for you such as Pre-exposure Prophylaxis  (Prep), you can google this but basically it would mean that you need to take HIV medications every day. This would also help reduce your risk of getting infected.

As to having children, maybe you need to see if your boyfriend can get his act together first. There's no need to rush.

Big Hugs

Your bf could easily have got HIV from his drug use and just not remember the actual act that did it, or not care to remember it...
What's done is done... You can stay negative if you use condoms and he won't need to suffer because of HIV if he manages to get regular health care about it, and takes haart when its his time.  I suppose any drug relapse could easily screw all that up, however...


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