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Author Topic: Tested Positive: Overdose of emotions  (Read 2199 times)

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Offline sterlingx721

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Tested Positive: Overdose of emotions
« on: September 03, 2013, 09:19:38 PM »
Hey everyone,

I just don't know what to think about it all.  I've been reading through many of these forums and they have been helpful, but I just, well, I just don't know what to do with myself.  Part of that reason is because I'm in disbelief that I'm actually positive.  Out of the few people I've had sex with, I've only had unprotected sex with two of them: my first girlfriend (before I came out and we were both virgins) and my current boyfriend.  The only reason my current boyfriend and I has unprotected sex was because we both had just gotten negative test results back.  After my test results, I immediately told him to get tested, which he has, and he came back negative, although he has to be retested in three months.  So along with all the depression and fear that seems to accompany a positive test result, I also feel like a horrible person for what I'm about to write next...

When we both thought we were positive, in the days it took for the lab work to come back, the idea of being positive was much easier to cope with knowing that there was a high likelihood that my best friend, my partner in crime was also going to be positive.  We would get through it together.  Neither of us would be alone.  But his test came back negative, and I embarrassingly and selfishly broke down because it just seemed like I had lost that support line.  Like I was alone, even though he had promised that our status' would not change our relationship. And a small, horrible part of me wanted him to test positive so I wouldn't be alone.  And putting things into perspective, the relationship isn't as important as my health and things of that sort, but I've just felt so alone.  He's been nothing but supportive, but I just have all this guilt about endangering him.  I have feelings of unworthiness and that I'm damaged goods and toxic and that he should find someone better. And I don't want to bother him with my fears because the situation is unfair for him as well.

But I just don't understand how I contracted the virus, unless a condom failed (I typically bottom).  And what's more, I don't understand how my boyfriend's test came back negative, since I've ejaculated inside him multiple times (unaware of my status). 

I guess I'm just ranting and I sound like a real bitch but I just don't feel like I have the proper mindset to evaluate the situation.

Online Jeff G

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  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Tested Positive: Overdose of emotions
« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2013, 09:34:13 PM »
Welcome to the forums Sterling ... Your backstory brings up the question of have you had a western blot confirmation test done ?

Offline sterlingx721

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Re: Tested Positive: Overdose of emotions
« Reply #2 on: September 03, 2013, 09:39:53 PM »
Yes, I've had the western blot done.  I have an appointment with an ID doctor next week.

Online Jeff G

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Re: Tested Positive: Overdose of emotions
« Reply #3 on: September 03, 2013, 09:56:29 PM »
I'm sorry you need us but glad you found us . You will find a wealth of information and support here but most importantly you will be ok and it does get easer in time .

I have lived with HIV for 30 years doing all the wrong things at points along the way , if I can do this then you can too , in time . 


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