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Author Topic: A relationship problem...  (Read 252 times)

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Offline idee

  • Member
  • Posts: 250
  • Hi...
A relationship problem...
« on: August 02, 2014, 11:50:50 AM »
My husband and I argue almost everyday. He has told me I only care what my family thinks and why do I care what other people think. For one I have to attend school, find a job, and my daughter still goes to high school.
I will say something and in response he will reword it loudly, make accusations as to what his rewording of my words means while mimicking me like I look dumb. The neighbors hear all this so naturally when I ask him to lower his voice he gets louder. Saying things positive about himself while saying negative about me. Again he says why should I care what others think.
When it comes down to it he wants to make sure when he walks out I have it rough. He is convinced that I would not have made it this far without him. To tell the truth I always kept trying when he kicked me out in the past.
In 2011 I told him I wanted to go back to school. I lived in his home and he controlled most of what I did. I was on probation and taking care of him. His reason was because school would keep me from caring for him.
Yet for the first eight years of our relationship I knew the house and everything would go to his brother and nephews. I was just there to care for him.
Now he tells everyone how much he loves me, supports me, that I came from an abused family, he is taking care of his stepdaughter, and worst that he supports me in school.
I spent the last three weeks of school catching up do to his drinking. I also spent the last three weeks of school lying about his health to the instructor. As well as sitting in an office meeting with my daughter's teachers while he played the parent who knew it all and told me to shush so he could talk to the Super Intendant. When I spoke at the meeting the teachers rolled their eyes.
I am about to tell the Super Intendant that my husband and I are HIV positive. So maybe the next time we have a meeting she will hopefully understand what I do on a day to day basis. Also to tell her I am on assistance do to before the ACA I could not get insurance. Maybe she might be more supportive towards me. Or it could all backfire.
My husband gets to sleep in. I went to sleep last night and woke up after 8:30 this morning. Sometime this morning he turned the bedroom lights on and was fumbling around on his dresser. I just rolled over and kept my eyes shut.
When we argue he is tired of hearing about my family. He says I need psychiatric help. Yet he denies the fact he has an issue with his size. He went on for twenty minutes two days ago telling me about men in porn films shaving to look larger. He got to his point in under a minute and spent the 19 minutes after that telling me the same thing over and over. What was I suppose to say? I was literally using the bathroom then I was washing my hands. Was he fishing for a compliment? I may have my problems, but he lies about his. The marriage counselor says I would benefit from seeing a psychiatrist.
I am tired of being told I am angry because of my past with my abusive family. When in reality everything my husband has said or done he claims is because he was drunk. He literally said he only drank because of my arguing with him. Yet on vacation last week he wanted a drink right away. I had not argued with him and I
drove the four hours myself.
If someone blames alcohol or drugs then they need to quit. It is the same as saying they have a problem when they drink or use.
Back to the supporting me in school. I am not anything than a comfortable dresser. I want to be more of a stylish dresser. Except when I mention clothes to my husband he will say because the model is skinny. So when I explain it has nothing to do with skinny it is about not being able to wearing clothes meant for yard work or the gym or a club to the work place. He gets bored and brings that up in the arguments. He even brings up how he have to read a book if I talk about my college courses. So another thing I cannot mention, oh except for my grades.
So he also wants me to take the couch if he gets upset with me.
I am supposed to be the one working on bringing home the money. I don't get why even the counselor wants me to make him so comfortable. He won't work yet I can work because I have a higher t cell count. \
He is also telling me to wipe the slate clean with him, to forgive him. Yet he wanted o walk out the door when I mentioned I wanted a clean slate like he never gave me.
He claims he did. Except he went telling all my problems to his friends and calls them whenever we have an argument.
My husband knows my family is unsupportive, that he can bring up my abusive family, run to his brother, and has SSDI for help. He also always has the option of aking money the illegal way as well. So he is very confident and cocky. In other words the same rules don't apply to him.

Offline BT65

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  • Posts: 9,904
Re: A relationship problem...
« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2014, 08:49:53 AM »
Idee. wow.  There is so much going on with you here, and things I did not know about until you admitted them in the above post.  I had no idea your husband was also HIV+, I did not know he has a problem with alcohol, and I had no idea about your issues.

I did know you are seeing a marriage counselor, and I guess I assumed you were also seeing a psychiatrist.  I do believe you should see a psychiatrist, to maybe start some anti-depressant to assist you in dealing with the ongoing issues you face.

You have a lot going on, and it's difficult to address all your concerns.  I am not sure what you want us to do: tell you what to do with your husband?  Has it always been like this?  How long have you two been together?  Why do you stay if he is constantly being abusive?  Do you not stand up for yourself, or don't you know how?  Have you told the marriage counselor about these issues? 

If you can answer these questions, it would help us gauge better where you are exactly coming from, and what your exact issues are.  I know in previous posts you've mentioned your sister coming onto your husband.  Have they ever had an affair or fling together?  Honestly? 

The things you cannot control are your husband's drinking; the way he talks to you; the way he treats you.  What you can control is your reaction to these things, and how you respond and deal with them.  If your husband indeed drinks to excess and causes stress for you because of this, then I would suggest looking up the local Al-Anon groups.  These help people involved with alcoholics, how to deal with their own stuff, and the drinking episodes.  If you cannot find these, contact your local AA headquarters (Alcoholics Anonymous) and ask them where to find Al-Anon.

Why do you think you are the one who has to bring home all the financial support?  Are you 100% sure you want to get off disability and Medicaid?  How were you approved for SSI in the first place, was it due to the HIV or other issues?  I would definitely discuss this with the therapist you see, and be honest and open to listening to what the therapist has to say.  With so much going on in your life, I do not believe attempting to work full time and get off a program that pays for your medical and mental health care, is a good idea.  I did this, though I am on SSDI, and when I could no longer make it full time, getting back on disability and keeping it, was a huge hassle. 

Seriously Idee, you need to either be honest with this marriage therapist, or get a therapist just for you that you can talk about these things to.  And yes, seeing a psychiatrist is always a good idea if you need medical management of depression or another mental health issue, which I think you may.  You can, of course, post more here, and we will offer you support.  But we may also offer you our opinions, so please be open to them, and consider what we say.  Best of luck to you!

I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow


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