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Author Topic: Got HIV from my husband !  (Read 969 times)

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Offline posmarriedgal

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Got HIV from my husband !
« on: February 21, 2014, 03:07:14 PM »
So I have been living with HIV for years now and when I was diagnosed I really didn't believe it was happening to me.  I was married and still am but having a very hard time accepting the fact that I have HIV still.  My husband got very ill about 8 years ago and that is when he found out.  I tested positive and then our daughter was negative.  I went into survival mode thanking god that my daughter didn't have it but hadn't dealt with the fact that what I had.  I cared for my husband for many months nursing him back to health and we shared with family and close friends for the support but it was horrible I won't lie.  I kept on thinking how can I get it I am a women that is not at high risk I didn't do needles I didn't sleep around how can I be dealt a hand like this.  My husband told me that he had done drugs with needles with a former girlfriend many years ago as an escape to his neglected childhood.  Although he doesn't blame his parents for his illness he knows this is how he got it. 

We worked it out I never did counselling and I just kept burying the truth away and kept strong like I always had in the past.  But inside this was eating away at me killing me killing my relationship with my husband.  I am having such a hard time moving forward and now I am going to start a group session with other couples (alone) for a while as I need to find others out there like me so I don't feel so alone.  I have a great support group of friends but it isn't the same they don't know how I feel they aren't living with HIV.  I feel like there is an elephant in a room all the time I feel like there are days that I can handle it and then something will happen and I have a complete breakdown and realize that I haven't ever dealt with this I haven't dealt with the anger and I haven't forgiven my husband for what he has done to me. 

I go to the doctor once every 3 months and about a week prior all the way up to the appointment I can barely look at him without being angry and starting fights for no reason. 

I remember sitting in a room with these wonderful nurses and doctors and saying oh my god I am not gay, I am not a street person I am not a hooker and I don't do drugs using needles what the fuck is this why am I dealt this hand why me why !!!  I then feel myself feeling the ashamed feeling that my god do I think I am better than these people that maybe have done something or had unprotected sex or gay.  I am not at all. 

I battle daily with these feelings.  The other day I was at the lab getting bloodwork and the room was of people and these two police officers brought in this lady in handcuffs and she was yelling "yeah look at me fuckers I am pregnant and I have HIV don't look at me you might catch this" ... then here I was sitting there in my designer clothes (just setting the look of the whole situation so it is clear) and I get up to move because my daughter is sitting with me (our second child we had after I was infected and she is negative and I will talk about this more later as this is just the start of my blogging) as she was terrified of this women yelling but really had no idea what she was talking about because she is only 4 years old.  The women then looks right into my eyes and says "you got a fucking problem cunt you think your better than me yeah get your kid away from me before I give her HIV."  It was all I could do not to say to her really you have no idea but feeling everyone in the room looking at her and now at me I removed myself and moved to another area.  I could barely hold the tears in I nearly lost it.  They call my name and I go in and the lady asks me my name birthdate etc before she draws the blood and I completely loose it ... I said oh my god it is people like this women out there that make HIV so horrible to admit to others she knows damn well you can't catch it by looking at her but she puts the fear into others in the whole room and makes it another thing that people who don't know the facts would think oh my that isn't good.  I then look at myself and think I know I would be ignorant as well to the whole HIV stigma if I didn't have it because why would I know more about this if I hadn't had a need to know.  Probably wouldn't have a clue if I could catch it from her or not.  I know that everyone knew the women was not well and not healthy in the head but the whole episode brought me right back to the first day and the anger and the resentment and the fact that I still haven't dealt with this at all. 

Is there anyone that is married out here that is similar to me?

Angry still after so many years I have to do something to start forgiving and loving myself again as my doctor said my blood pressure is so high all the time he said to me you are killing yourself. 

Offline GoForIt

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Re: Got HIV from my husband !
« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2014, 04:46:24 PM »
Just read your post and thought I'd chime in. 

I am recently diagnosed positive as of last year from having one time unprotected sex right after college.  I don't do needles, I'm no street person, I'm very educated, smart, and have always been a good person.  I feel the same way as you sometimes but I realize that right now the big "elephant" in the room is the stress we feel while adding up all of the factors that surround us now in our heads.  Sometimes its important to break down and let it all out because that is something you are carrying around in your head and its a very heavy weight to carry. 

This is a real disease that can effect anyone from the lowest person to the highest person.  It kind of gives you more perspective once you are now on the inside looking out.  Unfortunately this is a real disease and who wants a disease?  No one.  And because of that, it can bring out the worst in people....especially since there is no "cure". 

After spending the last 7 months studying daily about HIV I've learned its not really as bad as we can make it feel in our heads.  The medicine is proven to work and its getting better all the time.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things.  You acted very appropriately in your situation with the crazy loony person who yelled out at you and that is what is important.  Hold yourself together as a dignified smart person and continue to follow the path that is right for you.  Going to the doctor every three months is a slight hassle but at least it is the responsible thing to do and will give you more insight to your health which is always a good thing.

Sometimes we build up that big ball of emotion in our head and try to hold it in as long as we can until it just comes out in a big emotional mess....I breakdown some days too and say to myself "I'm in total disbelief of the situation I am now in.  How did it end up here?"

But I know that I have faith and I just have to keep following the right responsible smart path and maybe I can make better decisions in the future that will some how change things.  You never really know...what if they cure this disease in just a few short years?  Then the massive stress we put on ourselves is all for nothing.

I'm not married but I just thought I'd share my thoughts since I am going through a very similar situation and understand how you feel.

As for the high blood pressure.  Your doctor is probably right.  As a responsible mother I'm sure it is very hard to find time to relax and let go of that weight of the world with all of the responsibility you have.  But its very important to keep yourself level headed, as stress free as possible, for your physical and mental health.

I wish you all the best
08/09/2013   Diagnosed WB positive
08/20/2013   CD4-506(28%)  VL-10,800
09/12/2013   CD4-391(28%)  VL-14,900
09/17/2013   Start ART (Truvada & Tivicay)
10/11/2013   CD4-377(26%)  VL-UD
12/20/2013   CD4-590(??%)  VL-UD
03/18/2014   CD4-660(29%)  VL-UD

Offline Jeff G

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Re: Got HIV from my husband !
« Reply #2 on: February 21, 2014, 05:00:23 PM »
Hi Gofor ... this is the positive Women's forum and is off limits to you ... but great post all the same .

Posmarriedgal, welcome to the forum . I'm sure some of our supportive women members will be by to greet you . You can fell free to post in the other forums as well . Thanks and again welcome . 

Offline Sweet_C

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Re: Got HIV from my husband !
« Reply #3 on: February 21, 2014, 09:09:27 PM »
Hi posmarriedgirl!

I'm married and also was infected by my hubby, so I can identify with many of the feelings you have.  In my case, my hubby infected me before we married before he knew he was infected.  We have never talked about how he may have gotten it, but I am almost positive that he is bisexual.  I can live with the fact that he is bi, but I hate the fact that we can't talk about it.  He is from a religious family and so I feel badly that this is something he has had to repress.  He's never denied it but we have never been able to talk about it without it ending in a colossal argument.  He's said that he is going to deal with it on his own, that that chapter of his life is in his past and I don't have to worry about it anymore. 

I am a professional woman and I guess it's not so much that I feel better than other people with HIV, but it just makes me feel so unlucky and doomed.  There are so many people out there who have unprotected sex and don't get any diseases while here I am with HIV.  Seriously, out of all the people I could have fallen for, how did I pick the one that was pos?  My hubby was a divorced father of three when I met him.  When I was first diagnosed I actually thought I was the one who had infected him until I realized in hindsight that was not possible.  Whenever I go to a doctor appointment I always feel like the medical staff are pitying me, esp if it's an appt with docs other than my ID doc.  I feel like such an anomaly. 

I hope you find a way to deal with your anger because it sounds like you have a good marriage and a lot to be thankful for in your life.  Anger at my hubby has not really been an issue as far as HIV is concerned and other "normal" issues have caused more resentment.  I guess for me I am just grateful that I don't have to deal with this disease alone and that I got two children out of it and that makes it all worth it to me.  I always think about "what if" I had found out he was pos before I was infected.  It could be that I would have never gotten married at all and never had children since I was already in my mid thirties when I met him, and that to me is worse than HIV. I am also grateful because shortly before I was diagnosed, my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, which took her life shortly thereafter, so I am thankful that HIV is a disease that can be easily managed just by popping a pill.  I can still experience all of the good things in life without pain or disruption to my daily life, and that is better than what most people with chronic diseases face.

For me, I've always tried to look forward and to make the most of my life.  I am determined not to let HIV stop me from having the life I've always dreamed of.  In a way, because of the low odds of me getting it, I feel that it was kind of  my fate that I get this disease.  I feel angry at times when I think that I'm paying for my hubby's past reckless behavior, but that anger does not make the situation any better.  I just hope that since I've already experienced a major tragedy in HIV that maybe I'll be spared more major tragedies in the future. 
Tested positive on September 11, 2008

Offline BT65

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Re: Got HIV from my husband !
« Reply #4 on: February 22, 2014, 07:20:32 AM »
Hello, and welcome!  As you can see, I've been diagnosed for quite a long time.  I was infected by my first husband.  I do not believe he knew he was positive, however, as he was a horrible alcoholic.  A few years before I was diagnosed, he had gone to Florida, to escape a domestic abuse charge, and when down there, he got into IV drugs, and God knows what else. 

At that point in time, HIV was not talked about in the city I was living in.  It was a small town in Michigan, very small.  I mean, I had heard a couple commercials on the radio about it prior to testing positive, but the ads were always "scare tactics," i.e. "if you have constant diarrhea, if you have constant fevers or night sweats, you may have AIDS," (and that's what they said, "AIDS" not "HIV").  At that time I wasn't having any of those symptoms so I disregarded that info.

Then he came back to town and we got back together, though didn't live with each other.  I had moved in with my parents, and ended up in treatment for alcohol abuse (I quit IV drugs when I found out I was pregnant years prior to this).  It was there I found out my positive status.  Then shortly thereafter my first husband died.  Ironically, the HIV is not what put the nail in his coffin, it was the booze.  His death certificate lists "acute alcohol intoxication," as cause of death.  However, his little brother told me later that he had "this thing called pneumocystis pneumonia, strange."  Then I knew that's where I contracted it.

I got married again after testing positive, and my second husband tested negative throughout the marriage.  My daughter, of course, was not positive, I had her tested.  I was extremely thankful for that.  Things didn't work out with my second husband, but it was not because of the HIV. 

Was I pissed off at my first husband?  Oh yeah, for a while.  I was more angry over feeling abandoned because of him dying, than I was for being infected.  Though things would not have worked out if he had lived.  He was too abusive, too caught up in alcoholism. 

I recognized anger was not going to serve me well, if I hung onto it.  I got into therapy, got involved with the ASO that was just starting out in this area (long before they had case managers etc), met others with HIV, and got on with life.  For a time I worked, until I could not, then got on disability.  You have to remember, when I tested positive, there was no hope for staying alive for any length of time, and I actually went through some periods of coming very close to death, I mean to the point of being on life support.  I got a power of attorney, made out a will, got a guardian for my daughter (I divorced from my second husband), and had my funeral all planned out and paid for (it still is). 

But, not living was not in the cards for me, not yet anyway.  So now, I work part time, I also got my undergrad degree, and have gotten on.  I have 3 grandchildren, and am so happy I didn't pass away.  Of course life is still very difficult at times, and I get pissed off at times, though not about how I was infected.  I've met all kinds of people, gay, straight, bi (I myself am bi), addict, recovering addict, many different people. 

I've met some very wonderful people I would not have met had I not tested poz.  Don't get me wrong, I would definitely trade all this for not being infected. But, my point is, I am, and that's not going to change.  So, I'm happy I opened myself up to meeting all types of people, being accepting, and letting some great people into my life.  It should be noted I've also met wonderful people from right here on these forums, and I so grateful for that. 

Just get to the point where you are content with life regardless of the HIV. If that means you see a therapist, then it's worth it.  Get a hold of the nearest ASO in your area and find out if they have support groups or social functions where you can meet, face to face, others living with HIV.  We're here, please feel free to vent away.  I'm sure as time passes you will get better and better at accepting the fact of being poz, and living your life the way you want to.  Good luck!

I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline posmarriedgal

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Re: Got HIV from my husband !
« Reply #5 on: February 23, 2014, 10:48:37 AM »
Firstly thank you everyone who has responded and read my post. Already I feel somewhat better even getting things off my chest is helpful.  I read and I know that some of you are so alone and that breaks my heart to think that here I am feeling alone and I have a husband that loves me and two children and I am consumed with anger still.  I am working on this I truly am and I hope to keep posting and I am going to start a blog for women living with HIV to share stories as I think knowing that we are out here and supporting each other is very helpful. 

I did have my second child after being diagnosed with HIV with my husband.  I was not on any medication during the time of conception and they didn't advise we have intercourse without protection but we tried and ended up getting pregnant.  After my first trimester I began my medication.  It was a horrible experience but worth it at the same time.  The medication that I had to take did not agree with me at all and I ended up being sick from the day I started to the day I was off the medication and it was out of my body.  I remember each day getting up and it being a struggle I had to quit my job and go on leave as I was throwing up everything I lost over 40 lbs and if it wasn't throwing up I had diarrhea.  I felt like it was the longest time of my life.  So after all that I ended up opting for a c-section as the risk to the baby was the lowest this way.  After 1 year she has been tested several times and is negative and so is my eldest daughter.  I now have two healthy children one 11 years of age (going on 21 LOL) and a 4 year old going on 5 in March.  Yes I do need to be thankful that I can have all I have and stop the anger.  I am trying hard to see all the good and not the bad and this is not typically what I am like I am not a person that looks at everything half empty I never have been I don't know why I feel so hateful towards this disease. 

Offline BT65

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Re: Got HIV from my husband !
« Reply #6 on: February 24, 2014, 08:09:35 PM »
Pos, I can tell you that me being single is by choice.  I'm not alone, I have some very good friends, some of which are members of this forum.  And some nearby. 

Don't apologize for having a husband.  You're blessed, and need to work through the anger.  Have you ever had therapy?  I'm wonderimg if that would be good for you.  I was in therapy for a while after being diagnosed. 

Keep venting!  It's good for us. ;D

I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow


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