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Author Topic: Uncertainty about the future of my relationship now  (Read 1152 times)

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Offline wolfthorn

  • Member
  • Posts: 85
Uncertainty about the future of my relationship now
« on: August 14, 2013, 07:01:14 PM »
in addition to messing with every other aspect of my life, and nearly killing me, this diagnosis has really messed up my relationship with my boyfriend.

I really thought this was going to be a long term relationship.

As soon as I took the test I ran over to my bf's apartment, told him, projectile vomited in the street, then he took an oraquick, he was negative. He freaked out a bit so I made him go to my doctor and get VL testing and he was definitively negative. This was the result I expected as we were always safe, but I didn't trust it exactly because my always-use-condoms methodology must have failed previously at some point in my life ( I still don't know exactly what happened...).

I don't think that it damaged my relationship emotionally in that there was no betrayal ( I wasn't sleeping around, I had HIV long before we got together apparently) and as soon as I took the test I told him and arranged for him to get tested by my doctor. I know he still thinks a lot about me as he bought me a really meaningful birthday present and came over and delivered it specially... on a birthday that i didnt expect to celebrate.

The problem is that now he's afraid of me physically, he has a deep seated fear of becoming positive (which I understand). I told him that maybe it was best for me to get my VL under control, then we could talk about being intimate again. My doctor (and now his doctor as well) is agreeable with prescribing him PrEP or having an available PEP bottle. 

A few days ago he stopped returning my texts, but today I ran into him at work and it was obvious based talking to him that there's still something there. I mean I still love him and I think he still loves me.

anyone in a sero-discordant situation have any tips?

i think the best thing I can do is take my HAART and let my VL come down.  then i will try to convince him to kiss me again.
7/10/13: Oraquick at Home (+)
7/11/13: CD4 <20, VL 286,000
7/26/13: Start Stribild, Bactrim, Azithromycin
8/13/13: CD4 64, VL 1194
9/11/13: CD4 87, VL 511
10/14/13: CD4 164, VL 34
10/15/13: Stop Azithromycin!

Offline buginme2

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  • Posts: 2,834
Re: Uncertainty about the future of my relationship now
« Reply #1 on: August 14, 2013, 07:23:46 PM »


anyone in a sero-discordant situation have any tips?

i think the best thing I can do is take my HAART and let my VL come down.  then i will try to convince him to kiss me again.

Yeah, it sounds like this ship has sailed. Sorry.  But you shouldn't ever have to convince anyone you love to kiss you again.  I'm positive and My partner is negative.  The thought of having to convince him to kiss me is just absolutely wrong and foreign and does not make for any type of stable relationship.

Find someone else.

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,263
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Uncertainty about the future of my relationship now
« Reply #2 on: August 14, 2013, 07:44:31 PM »
How long has this man been your boyfriend?
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline le_liseur

  • Member
  • Posts: 129
Re: Uncertainty about the future of my relationship now
« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2013, 11:58:52 PM »
In a serodiscordant relationship too, almost 2 years now.

And I agree with buginme: it doesn't sound nor feel right if you have to convince him he can kiss you again. The last thing you need to do when dealing with HIV, especially when it hasn't been for long, is to forget you are the same good and sane human being you were pre-diagnosis... Don't make this make you lose pride in yourself; I'm sure you wouldn't have had to convince someone they could kiss you before knowing you were positive, so voilà...

And there are many great guys out there, negative and positive, who will be in love with who you are and will not be scared of you. :)

Offline jkinatl2

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,007
  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: Uncertainty about the future of my relationship now
« Reply #4 on: August 15, 2013, 12:25:54 AM »
In a serodiscordant relationship too, almost 2 years now.

And I agree with buginme: it doesn't sound nor feel right if you have to convince him he can kiss you again. The last thing you need to do when dealing with HIV, especially when it hasn't been for long, is to forget you are the same good and sane human being you were pre-diagnosis... Don't make this make you lose pride in yourself; I'm sure you wouldn't have had to convince someone they could kiss you before knowing you were positive, so voilà...

And there are many great guys out there, negative and positive, who will be in love with who you are and will not be scared of you. :)

Yeah, I had little tolerance for HIV ignorance/phobia/wierdness in 1993 - let alone 2013.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

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