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Author Topic: Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.  (Read 2103 times)

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Offline newday23

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Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.
« on: August 14, 2013, 02:14:12 PM »
I have been dealing with my break up for a week and a half now, and it is tearing me apart. My relationship has been on a steady decline since the beginning of this year. We have spent most of this relationship being constantly at odds with one another, me always feeling like he was never on my side. It's obvious that we just were never compatible enough. But we fought through it due to the interests we share that are common, as well as the love and attraction we feel for one another. He was never ready to take me on though. To deal with my HIV and marred past. The fact that I still haven't healed from a lot of old wounds.

I don't think either of us were really ready for "it" though. To spend our lives with the last person we'll ever be with. It's so hard coming to terms though with the fact that I thought this was it for me and it failed. I know that I wasn't happy enough alone, and taking him into my life was not going to change that. I am now on a new path and am going to live from now on for myself. And if the right guy comes along then so be it, if not, oh well. I have always dreamed of finding a guy and building a family together. But that will never happen until I become happier in my own life.

I'm now having to move back to the US, from Canada, and get back to my old life and build things there all over again. It's exhausting and stressing me out. I am excited though to be back home soon and with friends and family again. Luckily I have an incredible support group there.

Right now though we are living together still and I feel so conflicted at moments. Some times wanting to pour myself into him, at other points wanting to get the hell out of here and be home already. I'm trying to be the strongest I can, but it's not easy.

I guess I just need some support. My life is so ingrained with my ex and now I have to separate it all and build my own life again while he gets to stay here and continue with his life, just minus me. I'm angry, frustrated, hurt, sad, anxious, feeling it all. Some times I feel so much that I feel so lost. Emotions beating each other out. I guess all I can look forward to is time.  Because that's probably most of what is going to help heal this...

Offline harleymc

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Re: Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.
« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2013, 05:51:25 AM »
Big hugs to you newday, relationship breakups are tough to work through.

You will get exhausted and feel bruised & battered before you feel better.
Hang on in there.

Offline weasel

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Re: Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.
« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2013, 09:26:23 AM »

  Hi NewDay ,
                   I feel your pain , You did not mention how long you were together .

       Reading your post I see many things could be said about my relationship .
   Having a husband that I know will be with me till death is a great comfort
 no matter how ..  , How shall i say ?   Bitchy we may be with one another on
 occasion   :-X

    I hope you find peace and a soul mate .

                                       Be well , Weasel

    P.S.   34 plus years , And yes most days and weeks are filled with love ,
    I come with baggage of being an abused child ( not sexual , just whipped ) , Plus my Husband is not HIV .
" Live and let Live "

Offline newday23

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Re: Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.
« Reply #3 on: August 15, 2013, 02:32:41 PM »
Harleymc,
Thank you so much.  I'm definitely feeling it today.  I thought I was actually a little better at 1st but then I went through some things that were supposed to be a part of our future and just broke down into sobbing.  I know it will get better.  I'm just struggling through the best I can at the moment.

Offline newday23

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Re: Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.
« Reply #4 on: August 15, 2013, 02:45:47 PM »
Weasel,
We have only been together for almost 10 months.  We were both pretty set on this being it for us from the very beginning.  We definitely have been bitchy to each other many times, which I know is to be expected with living with someone.  But we couldn't really work through any of our differences and problems, that's what tore us apart.  I'm glad to hear that someone, yourself, has found a relationship that seems to be a lot more good than bad.  I know that every relationship has bad and good, but they should never equal each other in my opinion, or obviously have more bad than good.  If it's a healthy relationship, I would think having somewhere more around 85-90% good times/good things is the ideal.  Having otherwise could be a lack of many things, creating a toxic relationship.  I will never be in a relationship again that doesn't have at least 85% good, and I feel sure about it.  I would prefer more around 85-95% though.  But I know that having some bad times and differences can be important for growth, not to mention just simply realistic.  It's no wonder most gay men don't last in relationships. Not many of us accept the reality that the fairy tale image of finding a love for life just doesn't exist.  You have to take in all of the bad, love unconditionally, and work really really hard.  I hope I can find someone one day that truly understands this.  Thank you for all of your words weasel.

Offline mecch

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Re: Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.
« Reply #5 on: August 15, 2013, 09:07:11 PM »
It's no wonder most gay men don't last in relationships.
Do you have any stats to support that?
Hasn't been what I have experienced and witnessed around me, so far...
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline mecch

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Re: Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.
« Reply #6 on: August 15, 2013, 09:13:06 PM »
Newday, I'm sorry you are torn up.  Heartbreak is the worst.

That said, the way you describe the 10 month relation makes me think it never was that great.  You seemed to have, unfortunately, not been level headed about this and that statement about "pouring" yourself into him.... I dunno... You had a fixed idea from the start about it "being forever" but from the start it was just a rocky road.  Maybe you are better off moving on, painful as the separation and heartbreak is.

Usually the first months and yes even years are pretty smooth sailing...

On the one hand, you mention perhaps "not being healed" from old wounds.... That might help explain the dysfunction.

On the other hand, maybe you just tried to make a go with the wrong guy, from the start...   A better match might be just the ticket!  There are plenty of fish in the sea, you know.

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Since2005

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Re: Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.
« Reply #7 on: August 15, 2013, 10:12:23 PM »
I am sorry to hear that you feel pain. I  am glad you have reached out to us as not having family and friends around can even be much harder - Hope you get through this tough time -- Best

Offline weasel

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Re: Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.
« Reply #8 on: August 15, 2013, 10:47:44 PM »
Weasel,
We have only been together for almost 10 months.  We were both pretty set on this being it for us from the very beginning.  We definitely have been bitchy to each other many times, which I know is to be expected with living with someone.  But we couldn't really work through any of our differences and problems, that's what tore us apart.  I'm glad to hear that someone, yourself, has found a relationship that seems to be a lot more good than bad.  I know that every relationship has bad and good, but they should never equal each other in my opinion, or obviously have more bad than good.  If it's a healthy relationship, I would think having somewhere more around 85-90% good times/good things is the ideal.  Having otherwise could be a lack of many things, creating a toxic relationship.  I will never be in a relationship again that doesn't have at least 85% good, and I feel sure about it.  I would prefer more around 85-95% though.  But I know that having some bad times and differences can be important for growth, not to mention just simply realistic.  It's no wonder most gay men don't last in relationships. Not many of us accept the reality that the fairy tale image of finding a love for life just doesn't exist.  You have to take in all of the bad, love unconditionally, and work really really hard.  I hope I can find someone one day that truly understands this.  Thank you for all of your words weasel.

    THANK YOU !    NewDay  ,
                                               That is what I needed to hear tonight !   I'm a thousand miles from home ,
will not be home until med September and I feel lonesome   , Bob's last conversation was trite  :-X
   I did not know he called 6 times today , and unfortunately  neither did I care .
   I love my husband very much ,   sometimes he shows an attitude of distrust .  I do FLIRT  :-X 
 But I do not step over the line ...........
    You will find your love , I found mine when  I was not looking  :)

                                                                 Weasel

   P.S.   If I could be the Partner Fairy I would  :-*     
" Live and let Live "

Online Buckmark

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Re: Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.
« Reply #9 on: August 17, 2013, 04:22:32 PM »
Newday,

I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time.  I recall from previous threads that your separation was really tearing you up.  If nothing else, hopefully this is a chance to learn a little more about yourself, what you want in a relationship, why you want it, and why this relationship didn't work out.  I'm sure it doesn't feel like a learning opportunity right now, though.

Personally, I think it is very difficult to approach a relationship as your "forever" relationship right from the start.  it puts a lot of pressure and expectations on both people, that are hard to live up to.  I think it would be better to just take your time and enjoy getting to know each other, learning about each other, and finding out how you are compatible (and how you are not).  Let the relationship develop organically.

Henry
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline newday23

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Re: Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.
« Reply #10 on: August 22, 2013, 10:13:55 AM »
Mecch,
There's no stats that I know of, just personal experience.  May be different in the generation you might be a part of and location, but in my generation (I'm currently 31)/location of the world, relationships are looking pretty bleak. 

Things were great in the very beginning, but yes they were rocky soon enough afterwards.  We had to got through a lot though that most normally wouldn't.  Moving to another country after only 2 1/2 months of dating and moving into a home together, both our 1st times experiencing that with anyone.  I don't think most relationships would have survived this type of experience.

It was all of the things you are saying, not just one, and so much more on top of that.  I need to be in a better place and at the same time need to choose my next partner more wisely.

Offline newday23

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Re: Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.
« Reply #11 on: August 22, 2013, 10:18:41 AM »
Since2005,
Thank you so much.  It's still very difficult even though I'm only 6 days away from being home.  It will be much better once I'm back and done with this place.

Offline mecch

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Re: Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.
« Reply #12 on: August 22, 2013, 10:20:42 AM »
Ok. Seems like you are getting some insight into it.

As an aside, now I'm curious where you are, this place where relationship prospects are bleak for the 30 yo generation. 
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline newday23

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Re: Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.
« Reply #13 on: August 22, 2013, 10:24:50 AM »
Weasel,
Well I'm glad that my words helped you.  I think it's definitely always important to make your partner come 1st and give them the attention they deserve.  I honestly had a problem with my ex's flirtation and openness about other guys around him he thought to be attractive.  I just don't like stuff like that.  I'm not like that and can't deal with it.  So I need someone that is the same way.  Maybe one day I will find my true partner.

Offline newday23

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Re: Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.
« Reply #14 on: August 22, 2013, 10:31:35 AM »
Well I live in Georgia.  A place you'd think where more of the traditional values have bled over into the gay populace, but is definitely not the case.  Personally I think most have turned against it there because they came from such conservative homes.  Also my generation is more about self-preservation.  They make themselves 1st.  Seems to be getting worse with even the younger generations I know.  Plus so many come from broken homes.  Divorce is everywhere.  No one think about how it's going to be when they are elderly and alone.  They just want to have all of the fun they can NOW, and if they get into a relationship they want to still act like single people and for the relationship to be this fairy tale image of love, fun, sex, and happiness, without the struggle and pain.  I think this will start to change one day when gay marriage is finally legalized everywhere.  It will give more gays reason to start to accept and want a traditional household and family.  Because it will be a reality then.

Offline newday23

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Re: Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.
« Reply #15 on: August 22, 2013, 10:37:10 AM »
Henry,
Oh I agree with you completely and I am definitely looking at it all in the way you speak.  I know so much more of how things need to be from now on, in my life and in future relationships. 

You're completely right about the pressure.  I know for sure that that was extremely unhealthy that we did that.  It helped put us in this place and I will never do that again.  Your words are perfect and exactly how things should be.  That's exactly how I'm going to do things from now on.  It was a tough lesson to learn but now I know I will more successful in the future.  Thank you so much :).



Newday,

I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time.  I recall from previous threads that your separation was really tearing you up.  If nothing else, hopefully this is a chance to learn a little more about yourself, what you want in a relationship, why you want it, and why this relationship didn't work out.  I'm sure it doesn't feel like a learning opportunity right now, though.

Personally, I think it is very difficult to approach a relationship as your "forever" relationship right from the start.  it puts a lot of pressure and expectations on both people, that are hard to live up to.  I think it would be better to just take your time and enjoy getting to know each other, learning about each other, and finding out how you are compatible (and how you are not).  Let the relationship develop organically.

Henry

Offline mecch

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Re: Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.
« Reply #16 on: August 22, 2013, 10:53:16 AM »
Well I live in Georgia.  A place you'd think where more of the traditional values have bled over into the gay populace, but is definitely not the case.  Personally I think most have turned against it there because they came from such conservative homes.  Also my generation is more about self-preservation.  They make themselves 1st.  Seems to be getting worse with even the younger generations I know.  Plus so many come from broken homes.  Divorce is everywhere.  No one think about how it's going to be when they are elderly and alone.  They just want to have all of the fun they can NOW, and if they get into a relationship they want to still act like single people and for the relationship to be this fairy tale image of love, fun, sex, and happiness, without the struggle and pain.  I think this will start to change one day when gay marriage is finally legalized everywhere.  It will give more gays reason to start to accept and want a traditional household and family.  Because it will be a reality then.

OK.  But I still wonder if that describes a bit how you feel, some of the lines in the paragraph above, you also said about your ex...  (meaning, people who have "fairy tale" ideas about relationships and overlook the mundane realities of what really make relationships possible and durable)

 I hope you can talk about these topics with guys in your generation.  My exprience is most gays are willing to discuss the "gay lifestyles" du jour, because it can be difficult for everyone to negotiate.

I see where you want a marriage like relation and fidelity.  There are others out there.  I get your point about legal gay marriage - how that might improve the climate.   

« Last Edit: August 22, 2013, 10:57:56 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline bocker3

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Re: Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.
« Reply #17 on: August 22, 2013, 07:05:07 PM »
Sounds to me like you might be putting the cart before the horse.  IMO, looking to be married is a risky goal.  The goal should be to meet  someone, see what develops and if it leads to marriage -GREAT.  Starting a relationship with a forever mindset is putting a ton of pressure on you and him!!  Relationships grow into whatever they become.  When I met my partner, I had no thought that we'd still be together 23 years later - I simply knew that he was someone who interested me and I wanted to get to know him better.  No expectations, just went with whatever felt right. 

Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2013 691/31% <20

Offline newday23

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Re: Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.
« Reply #18 on: August 24, 2013, 10:38:14 AM »
Mecch,
I think most people out there in general have a "fairy tale" image when it comes to being in a relationship.  Most people in my generation anyways.  I don't think that it's a bad idea to have, but you have to know that there's so much more that's going to come along with it, all of the not-so-great/bad.  I just need to find someone that has the romance and yet accepts all of my faults completely, and vice versa.

Offline newday23

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Re: Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.
« Reply #19 on: August 24, 2013, 10:44:23 AM »
Bocker3,

I agree with you completely.  Maybe I didn't see it before but I do now.  I've been putting way too much pressure on it all and now I'm just going to let things happen.  I know that this mindset that we have had in this relationship helped kill it.  I can't put that kind of pressure on myself or let someone put it on me again.  It's not healthy for anyone.  Lesson learned for sure.

Offline mecch

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Re: Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.
« Reply #20 on: August 24, 2013, 02:59:45 PM »
Yeah and be careful how your interpret the "accept" the faults.  There are some things about a partner that one can never really be down with.  So overall love and acceptance of a partner, overall commitment to continuing a relationship, doesn't mean anything goes and everything is cool.  Its about compromise, and workarounds, and sometimes just overlooking so-called faults. 
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline bocker3

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Re: Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.
« Reply #21 on: August 24, 2013, 11:15:48 PM »
I know that this mindset that we have had in this relationship helped kill it.

Or.......  The mindset kept a relationship that wasn't, "all that", going because you saw it as a forever one way too early (some would say anytime is too soon for "forever" until one of you pass on).  I am glad that you have learned from it (life seems to teach best when we stumble and fall, rather than when things are moving swimmingly.....).

It is always best to take things as they come.  Do I think I will be with Sid "forever" -- yeah, I probably do think that way at this point.  The difference is that I don't think I had that "mindset" until 10+ YEARS into it.  Until then, we were simply enjoying the ride -- yes, we did the counseling thing back then on a few occasions, to work through issues, but never did we say, "you are it forever and ever".  Hell, we didn't ACTUALLY say it until last year when we got married.  After 22 yrs, I hope we didn't rush into it!!   :o

Good luck -- and find time to enjoy YOU.

M
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
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Offline newday23

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Re: Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.
« Reply #22 on: August 25, 2013, 09:48:31 AM »
Mecch,

I agree completely.  I'm used to being the one that will take in anything and give them a chance, because I always think that people can change and better themselves.  I think I've finally learned my lesson that people will be exactly who they are, in their core, no matter what situations you've come across to push them to change.  People essentially don't change in dramatic ways, not usually. I'm going to stop expecting that.  If I can't accept a person for who they are from the beginning then I'm not going to date them.  It's pointless to think one day down the road they will be different because they won't  They don't want to be different.  I'm going to try my best to overlook faults next time but not compromise what I really want in a partner, what I need in a partner.

Offline newday23

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Re: Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.
« Reply #23 on: August 25, 2013, 09:54:28 AM »
Bocker3,

I agree with you completely.  That mindset was all that was keeping us together, on top of the fact that I moved to another country for him.  And yes maybe the love as well. 

Sounds like a great path you have been on.  I'm such a traditionalist that it's hard to get around the "1st comes love then comes marriage" thing.  So I immediately think about that next step as soon as things seem to be doing well.  I don't think it's wrong to shoot for that early on, as in the 1st couple years, I just intend on not putting so much pressure on the next guy I meet being "the one".  Because who knows what will happen.  I'll still give it my all, but in a much healthier manner that I have been.  No more compromising myself completely and changing my life for someone else.  That defeats the purpose of what loves supposed to be about.  Being unconditional.


Or.......  The mindset kept a relationship that wasn't, "all that", going because you saw it as a forever one way too early (some would say anytime is too soon for "forever" until one of you pass on).  I am glad that you have learned from it (life seems to teach best when we stumble and fall, rather than when things are moving swimmingly.....).

It is always best to take things as they come.  Do I think I will be with Sid "forever" -- yeah, I probably do think that way at this point.  The difference is that I don't think I had that "mindset" until 10+ YEARS into it.  Until then, we were simply enjoying the ride -- yes, we did the counseling thing back then on a few occasions, to work through issues, but never did we say, "you are it forever and ever".  Hell, we didn't ACTUALLY say it until last year when we got married.  After 22 yrs, I hope we didn't rush into it!!   :o

Good luck -- and find time to enjoy YOU.

Offline moxieinme

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Re: Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.
« Reply #24 on: August 30, 2013, 02:55:40 AM »
Dear Newday,

Sorry to read about your recent pain around relationships. Reading the thread I see you have been given some wonderful, loving advice. There are no easy answers to relationships, just like there are no fairy tale relationships -- outside of fairy tales.

Speaking as someone who has been in two long- term relationships -- one 10 years, one (current) at 21+ and on the rocks -- I obviously can't speak about the key to success or the "forever love." In my current situation, when marriage became legal in my State, an issue which I fought for with all my heart, I was faced with the question of whether the man I lived with for over two decades and moved away with (yes) was the person I wanted to make a life commitment to. And without a doubt I knew the answer was no.

What am I trying to say? I guess that of the lessons I learned or the rules I make for myself about people and relationships, it's hard to follow them. The heart is sly like a fox. Be advice I can give is strive to be open and honest -- with yourself and with your mate. The secrets only build and drive a wedge. As you slowly reveal who you are to each other then the intimacy and trust will grow. If not -- warning sign. If you seem to be heading for the long term or even considering it, communicate; be explicit about your expectations, goals, fears, etc.

Other advice: do not change FOR someone, change BECAUSE of someone. There's a big difference, and that also goes back to taking care of yourself.

Lastly, nothing stays the same year in and year out. People change and relationships (love) should be strong enough to recognize, accommodate, and support that growth and change.

And sure, I'll try and save a copy of this so it doesn't come back and bite me in the butt. I'm a work in progress myself, just now re-learning the different ways my heart stretches in different directions, some fantastic, some painful. But stretching.

Best to you for a bright and loving future, and to any lucky guy who discovers you.

JD
Salvage therapy wrangler, riding the poz bronco and dodging bullets for over 24 years.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
CD4 at diagnosis 1989 = 330
Began treatment (AZT) 1989
Lowest labs 1998: CD4=74, 7%, VL=750,000
First sustained undetectable VL in 20 years (2009); CD4=315
Current labs (12/13): CD4=637, 27%, VL=<20
Current meds: Prezista, Isentress, Intellence, Norvir

Offline newday23

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Re: Relationship Separation. Feeling extremely depressed.
« Reply #25 on: August 30, 2013, 03:43:32 PM »
JD,

Thanks so much for taking the time to write that.  That's amazing that you have been in such long relationships.  I can't imagine what it would take to go through that.  From what you're telling me, as well as what I have learned, is that relationships are extremely complicated.  There are no rules or guidelines of how to be in one.  You are just 2 people that have to come together and mesh as well as possible, while still retaining who you and living in ways that are still going to make you happy.  It's because of all of this that makes it no wonder that 1/2 of the people out there don't last in relationships.  Especially since so much is based on infatuation and sex, in the beginning at least.  I guess it's hard to keeping wanting to go on with someone once all of that has died down and you realize there's so much you don't care for in the other person, so many differences.  I've realized that the key is to find some that you will truly love that shares the most in common as possible.  Not just interest-wise but also how you think and like to live your life. 

I had said in the beginning of this relationship that I wanted everything to be on the table.  No holding back, full communication, and no lies.  That obviously wasn't the case.  The next guy that comes along, he's going to get all that I am in the 1st couple months.  And if he ends up not liking what he sees, or if I don't like what I see, then obviously it will be time to move on.  I will never be with someone again that I feel uncomfortable with from the beginning.  I need someone that I know will not judge me, that will accept me for everything I've got, good or bad.  Someone that will always be on my side 1st and foremost.  That I can rely on and know he still loves me with all he's got, even during the bad times.  Finding someone to trust is very hard.  I hope one day I'll find that guy that I can.  My last 3 relationships, I could not trust them unfortunately.  That will break a relationship more than anything.  I hope I can find a guy worthy of my complete trust one day.

More than anything I've learned is that it's true what you say, we do change and have to acclimate to that in a relationship.  I'm learning to let things be more fluid.  I know we all change bits, even every 6 months of our lives, let alone many years.  I hope I have the strength one day to deal with that as well.

Thank you for your great wishes for me and my life :).

 


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