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Author Topic: Serodiscordant Couples?  (Read 5740 times)

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Offline Neonlove

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Serodiscordant Couples?
« on: August 10, 2013, 10:22:52 PM »
Me and my boyfriend of a year a half are looking for other serodiscordant couples out there that are willing to talk to us about their relationship and just life in general being in a "magnetic" relationship. I just found out I was positive and he's negative... We love each other... But we want to talk to a gay couple who can answer questions we both have and can inform us better on how a relationship under these circumstances works. Thank you so much.

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #1 on: August 10, 2013, 11:50:38 PM »
Me and my boyfriend of a year a half are looking for other serodiscordant couples out there that are willing to talk to us about their relationship and just life in general being in a "magnetic" relationship. I just found out I was positive and he's negative... We love each other... But we want to talk to a gay couple who can answer questions we both have and can inform us better on how a relationship under these circumstances works. Thank you so much.

Hey, welcome to the forums!

There are a ton of serodiscordant couples on these forums. I"m in one. Hell, since I have been positive I have been in about four.

While there are issues unique to magnetic couples, both sexually and societally, all my relationships have flourished (and, except for the one I'm in KNOCK WOOD) and languished for far more mundane reasons. Embarrassingly mundane, even :)

Sometimes though,  I think there ought to be a primer for magnetic relationships, especially starting out.

So hey! Welcome! What's up?
"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Neonlove

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #2 on: August 11, 2013, 12:45:56 AM »
Awwww thank you for the response. I'm actually the comfortable one. I've been around and known people with hiv since I was a teenager. It's him that isn't as knowledgable about the subject. He is actually the one who wanted to talk to another couple one on one about it. Before I found it things where moving forward in our relationship, we had a perfect sex life, life was literally perfect. Then I found out and I got on meds, now I'm undetectable, we recently spent a week together but before that he had expressed that he didn't feel comfortable having sex which I was fine with... But turns out I wasn't. He's scared he might contract it mainly because of his career. I just think he would feel more comfortable about things if he spoke to some one in the same situation. So how long have you been in your current mixed relationship? What problems normally arise from your current and previous?

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #3 on: August 11, 2013, 01:10:50 AM »
Hey again :)

Well, as we are reaching our two year mark, our biggest hurdle has been HIS health actually. He was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease, and underwent a temporary colostomy last year. I was there for the whole thing, despite being less than a year into the relationship. One thing about me, I am loyal.

For me, my responsibility in the relationship is to stay steady on the meds. Staying undetectable is important to me. I'd be happy to discuss the nitty gritty of our sex life if you want. But basically we're pretty happy in that department.

The issues I have had in this and, frankly in every long term magnetic relationship has been the opinions of the negative partner's uninformed (or, sometimes worse, poorly informed) family and friends. They say you can change minds one at a time, and I agree. Thing is, often that one mind carries behind him half a dozen influential minds that have their own agenda. That can be daunting.

I hope you know your negative partner can join the forums too, and post here. We really do get a ton of magnetic couples here (thank you for allowing me to stop trying to type serodiscordant over and the hell over) and the sexual stuff is pretty straightforward. Of course, in gay male couples it often requires a little more disclosure as to the nuts and bolts (ha!) of your sex life, but the short story is, of course, if the poz partner is undetectable and you are monogamous and have no other STDs, then your sex, no matter how you parse it, is safer sex.

I am constantly amazed at the amount of misinformation/disinformation that other sites convey. Even the CDC refuses to stop telling people kissing is a risk. It's maddening.

Honestly, we haven't had real problems. His parents Googled me as soon as I went to meet them, which turned out to be awkward. But staying by their son when he was deathly ill for a couple of months seems to have done a lot in terms of proving my worth and my intent. We basically live together now, and seem to be doing pretty well. I've gotten the holiday invitation early this year (mainly because my mashed potato casserole last Thanksgiving fucking rocked that whole family, yo) and our friends all get along.

When I disclosed to my guy he immediately came HERE for information, and filled up on the knowledge. So there really weren't a lot of questions. Like me, he is  a science geek and goes for the first tiered peer reviewed source for info. That, Doctor Who on BBC America, and his low, low bass voice. Seriously.

We never went through the uncomfortable phase, sexually. That was both because I've done safer sex education for twenty years and because he was invested enough to read up on the disease. I certainly hope your guy does the same! It's always really nice to know that your partner is invested enough in the relationship to address his preconceived notions and even overcome them.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Ann

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #4 on: August 11, 2013, 04:19:27 AM »

Sometimes though,  I think there ought to be a primer for magnetic relationships, especially starting out.


Well Jonathan, if anyone could write that primer, it's you. I'm sure that along with plenty of good information, there'd also be a lot of humour and humanity. Go for it! :)


Neonlove - welcome to the forums!
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline mecch

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #5 on: August 11, 2013, 04:26:40 AM »
Neonlove -

1) Is yours a long-distance relationship or do you live in the same town?  You said you recently "spent a week together" and that seemed to bring out the fears of transmission and the sexual frustration.

2) Do you think he is capable of understanding the facts about HIV transmission and how sex life with you is not a risk? You're undetectable. There's basically no risk. 

3) Once he does accept that there is no risk, then if there is still hesitancy about sex, its not about "fear of infection."  The problem may or may not still be about HIV.  Fear of infection can be a "stand in" for other things, its easy to identify and relate to.  As jkinal2 said, there are other challenges like dealing with ones own and society's stigmas about HIV.  Dating someone HIV+ might challenge his conception, or his social world's (family, professional, friends) conception of who is "dateable".  Is HIV+ a "deal breaker" or not. 

When I was negative dating poz guys (this happened 3 times), it was pretty common for my social world to say "he's sweet but wouldn't be be simpler to find someone else?"   
« Last Edit: August 11, 2013, 04:31:49 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Neonlove

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #6 on: August 11, 2013, 12:54:51 PM »
@jkinatl2.... Do you have an email where I can email you directly?

@mecch....

1.we used to live in the same state for the first year of our relationship. Then got transferred to a different state for work. He wanted me to
Move in with him and then I found out of my status and ended up not doing it because I felt that he was slowly going to move on... Which wasn't the case. So I went to visit him just recently and it was nice. We had a discussion about he wanted to sit down and have a conversation with another couple in our situation.

2.hes a very intelligent person. I'm sure he's done his research but I feel like a lot of the information online is inaccurate or it's old information. So that's why I feel like we would both benefit especially him from talking to others. Although when I was out there we still did have oral and kiss and everything but actual penetration so I don't think he's somewhat informed.

3.i feel like my hiv status wouldn't really play a part when it came to the social aspect of it. Only 3 of my friends know and his best friend knows. When it comes down to it there are other aspects like me being a transgender woman.

Offline mecch

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #7 on: August 11, 2013, 01:10:53 PM »
Well by all means find a way to discuss it together with another serodiscordant couple. Why did you say you want to talk to a "gay couple" specifically. Any permutation of couple could offer info and support.

Yeah there can be old info on the net.

But on the other hand, sex with condoms has been "safe sex" since the 80s so there have always been serodiscordant couples who overcame fear of transmission.

The first year you were together, you didn't have HIV, or didn't know your status?

If someone contracts HIV outside a couple, it can present some challenges in the couple, obviously, but of course I don't know if thats how it went down with you.

Long distance relationships aren't easy to maintain. Wish you the best on this one.

 
« Last Edit: August 11, 2013, 01:13:46 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Neonlove

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #8 on: August 11, 2013, 03:22:01 PM »
@mecch...
I personally don't mind talking to straight couples or gay couples but he would feel more comfortable talking to a couple that sexually do the same we do (i still have "it" so technically it's still gay sex). The first year we were together I didn't know. I just found out 6 months ago and got on mess immediately which has helped me a lot... But since I found out he has had some trust issues, not just with me but with everyone. He's totally comfortable about it... We talk about it all the times, I'm planning on moving out to where he is but I want to make sure that's he's going to be 100% comfortable and that he's educated about it correctly and there isn't any false information.

And thank you for the wishes. I appreciate it.


Much love to you all.

Offline Neonlove

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #9 on: August 11, 2013, 03:26:44 PM »
Meds*

Offline mecch

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #10 on: August 11, 2013, 05:07:14 PM »
I'm planning on moving out to where he is but I want to make sure that's he's going to be 100% comfortable and that he's educated about it correctly and there isn't any false information.

Ok, that's wise! My opinion and experience is don't move somewhere for a lover if the trust isn't there, or if the sex is broken.  Unfortunately, love does not fix everything.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline phillypinko

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #11 on: August 13, 2013, 12:20:00 AM »
I am HIV positive and have had three long term relationships(over a year) with negative men. I regret them all. As much as I loved them and being with them there was always this horrible anxiety I felt about infecting them. I spent 10 years with one man obsessing the whole time I was going to kill him. Im convinced if I ever have another long term relationship it will be with another positive man or after they find a cure.

Offline mecch

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #12 on: August 13, 2013, 07:41:23 AM »
Philly, I'm sorry you had hat experience.
That said, your fears were exceptional. Your experience is not the norm. Most serodiscordant couples find a way through this fear of transmission. That's because safe sex works. And the last decade, everyone has figured out that undetectable viral loads is another very reassuring protection.  There isn't going to be transmission.
Its not my place to judge you. It's my opinion that if someone HIV+ can't overcome the fear of infecting a negative partner, yeah, the relationship dies. 
But you said it happened again, and again.  After the first time, I think you needed to do personal work to educate yourself, or somehow move your brain, out of this fear.  Maybe therapy. I dunno. 

You STILL have this irrational fear.  Perhaps a discussion for another thread, but this state of mind can't be serving you well....  You shouldn't accept it.  Seek a way to resolve this.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Habersham

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #13 on: August 13, 2013, 09:22:15 AM »
Hey Neon - I'm sending you a personal message
Because I Can

Offline ohwell

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #14 on: August 13, 2013, 02:21:36 PM »
Hi Neon, i am in a serodiscordant relationship (i'm the +), . I have been through different phases in my relationship these months,
First when he got to know my status he was very supportive and then he got tested and it turned out he was negative things changed for a little while, i think he was trying to educate himself and figure out how sex life would work.
At that time it was a little scary for him, my cd4 was 195 and i had lost weight so he kinda seemed scared and he didnt want to know anything about HIV or deal with an ill person.
During the first months I was really scared I thought He was going to leave me, I thought he couldnt handle the pressure. At that time i thought he was waiting to get tested again to be sure he was negative in order to leave, and after 3 months  he got tested he was still negative, but he stayed with me.
Then my health improved i gained weight, and started looking healthy again, that's when he transformed and started being the good lover he used to be.
During all this time i asked him several times about if he really wanted to be wiht me if he could deal with it, etc, etc, he always said he didnt know for sure.
Even though gradually things went back to normal sex was still an issue, it seemed to me that he avoided sex with me until his urges made him have sex with me. Recently my viral load went to undetectable levels. I guess that helped him (psychologically) and sex has improved he's more relaxed and wants to do it more often.
I write this because  of this:

"I want to make sure that's he's going to be 100% comfortable and that he's educated about it correctly and there isn't any false information."


During this time he wasnt 100% comfortable with it, but he's getting closer with time, he has adapted and so did i, i'm not even 100% comfortable but i'm still getting closer to that point.

The important thing is if the person is willing to adapt and learn.... he might not be able to adapt to this, but it's worth giving him a try.
they made me do it

Offline harleymc

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #15 on: August 15, 2013, 06:03:24 AM »
Relationships thrive of fail on often the most mundane of compatibilities/ incompatibilities. Sero-disco relationships can be absolutely fabulous in the same way that sero-ghettoised relationships can be hell.

The only thing I'd say with sero-disco relationships is that listening and communicating takes conscious effort.. but that's the key to longevity in any r'ship.

Offline magneticnegative26

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #16 on: August 23, 2013, 08:31:12 PM »
Hey Neon,

I'm the neg in a magnetic relationship - we've been together for a year and a half, and he found out he was poz about 4 months into the relationship.

This forum has really helped me to answer questions and work out issues I had with transmission initially - that knowledge didn't always translate into an immediate alleviation of anxiety, but over time it has minimized any personal anxieties I have had to virtually zero.

To be nitty gritty - I considered going on PrEP (and did for a couple of months), but have not been on it in a while.  Our doctor suggested it wasn't really for people in monogamous serodiscordant relationships (unless unprotected sex was important... though he wasn't willing to approve it for that), but instead for people who engaged in risky sexual behavior.  If you're in a relationship, you've reduced your risk precipitously!

We engage in all types of oral sex, unprotected -  there's no issue for me with having cum in my mouth, but he usually doesn't blow his load directly into it.  There's really nothing to worry about with oral, and as our doctor said: spit or swallow, don't let it wallow (although I think even that is overkill).  There isn't a single documented case of oral transmission EVER, and with a UD viral load, it's really just not even a concern, so just don't worry about it.

Whenever I get tested, there's always a moment of anxiety, and it has always come back negative, so I've stopped getting tested as frequently as I did (when he was first diagnosed we had had unprotected sex a couple of times due to a negative reading one month before the positive reading, so I was getting tested more frequently).

We also have anal sex and do use protection - which everyone who is not in a relationship SHOULD BE USING ANYWAY - and it is not a fucking deal at all.  If I were on PrEP, I would stop using condoms I suppose, but it's really the easiest thing in the world to use.

I don't even think about his status anymore w/r/t our relationship - I don't feel limited in any way in the bedroom.  His status has definitely encouraged me in a broader, social sense to eliminate the terrible stigma that many in the gay community still attach to HIV (often seemingly the same people who have anonymous unprotected sex with strangers, I might add), and to volunteer and work to stop the increasing rate of infection in my cohort (twenty-something MSMs).  It's a disturbing trend - some people are ignorant about it until they're not.

PM me if you want more info.  I would love to know more serodiscordant couples, and think that a primer would be a great idea for this website.  It's very confusing at the beginning, but all of that bullshit goes away very quickly with a little bit of information.  Then, you get to experience all of the other anxieties that seroconcordant couples experience, too! (hah - and joys, of course). 

Really, he's the man of my dreams, and I'm so happy we've found each other.

Oh, and to the other poz poster who said he wouldn't be in a serodiscordant relationship again - seriously no judgement from me, but my b/f has found the information on this site to alleviate HIS anxieties about infecting me as much as my anxieties about being infected (if not moreso).  Education for both poz/neg partners in a magnetic relationship is the key to working it out in the bedroom, IMO.

Offline mitch777

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #17 on: August 23, 2013, 08:48:02 PM »
Thanks for the great post magnetic,
We don't often hear from the negative partner. Your description is spot on and I admire your efforts in trying to make a difference.
m.
31 years hiv+ (oct. 2013) with a curtsy.

Offline oksikoko

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #18 on: August 24, 2013, 02:07:58 AM »
Well Jonathan, if anyone could write that primer, it's you. I'm sure that along with plenty of good information, there'd also be a lot of humour and humanity. Go for it! :)

I second this. If I had any experience with it, even I'd give it a shot. Yours would be from an expert on all counts, and some sort of resource is clearly needed.
Code: [Select]
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (?) off treatment ☣ CD4 (?) off treatment
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1105
2013-05-23:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (-) 945
2013-02-25:                ☣ VL (-) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1123
2012-12-16: Enter Stribild
2012-11-20: HIV+           ☣ VL (→) 132,683      ☣ CD4 (→) 920
2012-04-01: HIV-
Dates in this signature file conform to ISO 8601. ;-)

If no one complains, nothing will ever change.

Offline oksikoko

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  • Writing the congressman again
Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #19 on: August 24, 2013, 02:30:40 AM »
Hey, magnetic. It was nice to read what you wrote. I've been the negative partner in two serodiscordant relationships. I'm positive now, but have not been in any relationships with negative guys since converting (or relationships with positive guys, for that matter).

We also have anal sex and do use protection - which everyone who is not in a relationship SHOULD BE USING ANYWAY - and it is not a fucking deal at all.  If I were on PrEP, I would stop using condoms I suppose, but it's really the easiest thing in the world to use.

I just have to add, condoms aren't for everyone. You get judged a lot for saying this, but it's true. I'd rather just not have sex at all, frankly, than use a condom. I only sleep with other positive guys who feel the same way, so I don't get too wrought up about it.

Oh, and to the other poz poster who said he wouldn't be in a serodiscordant relationship again - seriously no judgement from me, but my b/f has found the information on this site to alleviate HIS anxieties about infecting me as much as my anxieties about being infected (if not moreso).  Education for both poz/neg partners in a magnetic relationship is the key to working it out in the bedroom, IMO.

That wasn't me, but I felt that way in the beginning. I'm not really into relationships in general anymore, but I think I'd have a hard time being in one with a negative guy. I suppose at this point, I'd be open to it, but until you're positive, it's hard to fully understand why that might be difficult. It can also go beyond anxiety. There can be weird power plays with negative guys - we're considered "damaged" by some people, sometimes by ourselves, and some people try to use that in strange ways to their psychological advantage. Not a lot, by any means, but it can be a touchy subject.

I was propositioned recently (It happens.) by this negative guy taking (I assume) Truvada. I ended up feeling kind of irritated that he gets to do whatever he wants with no consequences, whereas I'm in this boat. Clearly, this was a momentary feeling. I take responsibility for what brought me here, and I'm very happy he can do what he wants, and I'm happy that PrEP is available. I think it should be more available. But it still stung a little. He was very educated on the topic, I have to say. It's the first time anyone's asked me what my viral load was when determining whether or not they wanted to have sex with me.

>You are adorable, but I'm HIV+.
>;)

>i know.  i'm on PrEP.   what's your viral
>load?

>I'm undetectable, but I don't sleep with negative
>guys. It throws off the balance.
>;)

>that really fucking sucks, considering the whole
>reason i do prep is to break down this
>sero-dependent line.

I was in shock that some negative dude was talking to me about "this whole sero-dependent line". But kudos to him for being educated. He was adorable. I wish he'd hit me up a year ago, haha.

Anyway, thanks again for posting, and good luck in your relationship. :)
Code: [Select]
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (?) off treatment ☣ CD4 (?) off treatment
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1105
2013-05-23:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (-) 945
2013-02-25:                ☣ VL (-) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1123
2012-12-16: Enter Stribild
2012-11-20: HIV+           ☣ VL (→) 132,683      ☣ CD4 (→) 920
2012-04-01: HIV-
Dates in this signature file conform to ISO 8601. ;-)

If no one complains, nothing will ever change.

Offline ligoilk

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #20 on: September 19, 2013, 12:53:15 PM »
This thread gives me a lo tof different insights. It is quite related to my own questions that I put down in a post. Therefore I would like to know : what about unprotected anal sex in a serodiscordant couple? We talk a lot about oral, but if your HIV partrner is UD, do you still play safe? Would really like to have some testimonies about this issue.

Offline oksikoko

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #21 on: September 19, 2013, 03:29:29 PM »
I think I mentioned it, but when I was negative, I had two longish term relationships with positive guys. We never used protection, and I came out no worse for wear. I tested positive much later, so it was definitely not via either of them. They were both healthy, undetectable, so I assume that's how I got away with it.
Code: [Select]
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (?) off treatment ☣ CD4 (?) off treatment
2013-10-03:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1105
2013-05-23:                ☣ VL (=) undetectable ☣ CD4 (-) 945
2013-02-25:                ☣ VL (-) undetectable ☣ CD4 (+) 1123
2012-12-16: Enter Stribild
2012-11-20: HIV+           ☣ VL (→) 132,683      ☣ CD4 (→) 920
2012-04-01: HIV-
Dates in this signature file conform to ISO 8601. ;-)

If no one complains, nothing will ever change.

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #22 on: September 19, 2013, 05:09:05 PM »
This thread gives me a lo tof different insights. It is quite related to my own questions that I put down in a post. Therefore I would like to know : what about unprotected anal sex in a serodiscordant couple? We talk a lot about oral, but if your HIV partrner is UD, do you still play safe? Would really like to have some testimonies about this issue.

A lot of heterosexual magnetic couples conceive the "old fashioned" way.

Insofar as penetrative sex is concerned, let me tryto word a gender neutral observation based on thr available scientific studies:

If the positive person in the relationship is the receptive partner (bottom, female) then the risk is essentially the same as that when using condoms.

If the positive partner is the insertive partner (top, male) then the risk varies only slightly upward, and even then it appears that seminal viral load spikes are usually associated with another inflammatory situation (notable the presence of another STD in the genital tract).  And even then, the amount of viral spike and the viability of those viral particles has yet to be determined.

So in a mutualy monogamous relationship with no extenuating factors, if the pos person maintains an undetectable viral load then it's entirely feasible. It's a matter of the level of risk the individual AND the couple deem reasonable. We make decisions like that a hundred times a day, really.

Obviously if one or both couples is going to freak out about it, then further discussion is warranted, including putting thenegative partner on PrEP.

We regularly see magnetic couples come here, without knowing any of this, who freak out when a condom breaks and go on PEP - which, unlike PrEP, is usually not covered by insurance (USA) and is quite intense and expensive.

Personally, I think it's a better idea to do the research and make an informed choice based on the facts at hand.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline jpiper

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #23 on: November 23, 2013, 02:49:42 PM »
hi everyone! i'm new and know this is an older thread but i'd like to get involved with the community so here i am=) my name's jessica. i'm married to a delightful royal pain in the ass whom i utterly adore. he's + and i'm -.... i read that you and your partner would rather have this conversation with a gay couple and i am absolutely not trying to butt in and be an inappropriate part of the conversation.
we are trying to conceive the fun way and fortunately have excellent health insurance, so i thought i could pass on what i have learned, experienced and offer insight, if it's welcome=)

Offline lurker69

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #24 on: January 29, 2014, 03:18:46 AM »
Sorry to bump and old thread, but I wanted to shared my experiences as a negative partner in a +/- relationship for anyone else in the same boat.

I'm going on almost 6 months of my first relationship with a HIV+ partner. Prior to him, I had never known anyone who was positive and probably wouldn't have even considered such a relationship. At the time, I knew the basics such as transmission not being possible via kissing and whatnot, but I didn't know about viral loads or the varying degrees of risk for the different kinds of sex.

I grew attached to my bf prior to knowing he was positive (he didn't know himself) and was in too deep with my feelings to pass him up after finding out. So I found this site, read up on other internet resources regarding serodiscordant couples, and stuck on him like white on rice.

I have to admit, the first few times he gave me a BJ, I was slightly anxious. But as I read these forums and various other articles, the anxiety went away completely (and rather quickly). Now we have uninhibited, awesome sex. And I must say, he's the hottest guy west of the Mississippi with a personality that will melt your heart.

Have to say, I'm a little bit bummed to hear from other positive ppl on here about not being interested in dating someone who's negative. Granted I'm not in their shoes, but there's so many awesome relationships that could happen without it really affecting the sex.

Offline mitch777

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #25 on: February 02, 2014, 10:44:31 AM »
What a nice post Lurker69.

Seems like you two have come along way since your last post. Just goes to show that knowledge can overcome fear.

Best wishes to you both!  :)

Oh, and a belated welcome to the forums.

m.
31 years hiv+ (oct. 2013) with a curtsy.

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #26 on: February 02, 2014, 01:14:10 PM »

Have to say, I'm a little bit bummed to hear from other positive ppl on here about not being interested in dating someone who's negative. Granted I'm not in their shoes, but there's so many awesome relationships that could happen without it really affecting the sex.

I don't rule it out, but I don't go out of my way looking for HIV-negative guys either. My last partner was HIV-negative, but I was fortunate in that he's dated several HIV+ guys in the past and had zero hang-ups about any sexual activity with me as long as condoms were used consistently for anal sex. And mind you, this was a decade ago and I still had a constant detectable viral load ~30,000.

The reason, however, that I would prefer another HIV+ partner is simply as a LTSer I have ongoing medical issues and I think it would make for a better fit emotionally, it's not a viral transmission issue.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline 8yearsoflove

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #27 on: March 09, 2014, 05:31:43 PM »
I can't tell you how happy I am to find this thread. I have been looking for someone to talk to who will understand. I am a negative female with a positive male
We will be celebrating our 8 year anniversary in july. He was diagnosed almost 3 years ago. We didn't know he had it till he had full blown aids and they didn't think he would make it out of the hospital. I got tested a week after he was put in the hospital. We were there a month.
When I first found out I was negative I was so relieved. We had been having unprotected sex for 5 years sometimes multiple times a day. I'm not going to lie I thought about leaving. I honestly find it hard to believe people when they say they never considered it. Obviously we were having other problems too, but mostly I am almost 30 and have no kids and his diagnosis came about a month after we decided it was time to try.
All I could think was there goes my chances of ever being a mom.
We didn't have sex for almost a full year after his diagnosis. We were scared and thinking about the fact that it could kill me ruined the urge for both of us.  The first time we did he went so slow and carefully like the condom was made of tissue lol. However things are good again.  He's undetectable. We use coitus interrupted. Yes that carries risk but with him being undetectable, and me not getting it the first 5 years it seems low risk (not no risk!!) When he misses a doctors appointment or doesn't take his meds on time a few days in a row we go without or use protection.  My question is,  there anyone else on here who wants kids and doesn't have any? Do you feel cheated? Do you ever want to leave? How do you deal?
Wow this ended up being longer than I wanted lol. This has been building up since his diagnosis.  Does anyone else feel there's not enough resources for the partner?
Also he won't talk about it ever!! He never shows emotion about it. Even when he was diagnosed he just said ok..it is what it is.  When I bring up my fears he either makes it sound like I'm a crazy person for thinking about death and or infection, or gets mad and says "then maybe you should go" I know that is not what he wants but it hurts. Sorry about the length. I look forward to having someone who understands
Shan

Offline mecch

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #28 on: March 09, 2014, 07:24:28 PM »
8yearsoflove . your bf's controlled HIV infection means you can safely have kids. Ask his HIV doctor for specific instructions about that. If the doc doesn't work with you to have kids, get a new doc.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline magneticlove

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #29 on: April 06, 2014, 07:41:22 PM »
Hi there, new here.  I am a negative woman in a relationship with a positive man.  We have been together for about six months.  I am very educated about HIV and knew about his status before we started dating; it was never an issue.  In fact, if I'm being honest, we had unprotected sex (with ejaculation) even before I got on PrEP.  But, he's undetectable, maintained on meds, and with the PrEP that I've been on for about two months, I know that the risk of transmission is pretty much nil.  We'd probably literally end up in a medical journal if I ever seroconverted (that's what we joke about). 

8years: why do you think that you have to give up your dream of having children?  I don't think that could be further from the truth.  With your partner's undetectable status, the chances of transmission even with ejaculation are extremely low.  To decrease them even further, you could look into getting on Truvada for Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis (PrEP); since I got on it, my anxiety about transmission has decreased to pretty much zero.  I had some nausea the first couple weeks but now I feel fine. 

My boyfriend also is a pretty quiet person, and tends to not express himself a whole lot, especially about his status.  He seems to carry some shame/embarrassment/self-hatred.  But, we are all a work in progress, right?

Glad I finally decided to register for the forum.  :)
Boyfriend <3 = positive, undetectable, on ARV's
Me = negative, on Truvada for PrEP

Offline buginme2

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #30 on: April 06, 2014, 07:59:10 PM »


My boyfriend also is a pretty quiet person, and tends to not express himself a whole lot, especially about his status.  He seems to carry some shame/embarrassment/self-hatred.  But, we are all a work in progress, right?



That part of your post just hit.  Struck me because it sounded like you said it with innocence, understanding.HIV sucks.  Good to hear from the negative side. I'm positive and my other half is negative.  I've been undetectable on meds since we started this journey and transmission isn't really a concern anymore.  Being undetectable for so long, we would end up in a medical journal also. 

Offline magneticlove

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #31 on: April 06, 2014, 10:42:33 PM »
That part of your post just hit.  Struck me because it sounded like you said it with innocence, understanding.HIV sucks.  Good to hear from the negative side. I'm positive and my other half is negative.  I've been undetectable on meds since we started this journey and transmission isn't really a concern anymore.  Being undetectable for so long, we would end up in a medical journal also.

Thank you for responding.  I was hoping for some activity on this forum!  :)

I can't say that I "understand" how he feels, but I can empathize.  When we first started dating (before I was on PrEP), I got super super sick twice in like two weeks, and I started to get paranoid about acute HIV infection.  One night I looked in my mouth in the bathroom mirror, and I saw what I thought was thrush.  Convinced that I had contracted HIV from him, I went to him and hugged him and told him about the thrush, and I said that I knew that I had contracted HIV but that it was okay and we'd make it thru it.  The reaction that he had.....he CRIED....he told me that he f***ing hated himself.....for about an hour, he was so pale.....  In the end, we looked up some stuff on the internet and realized that it probably wasn't thrush in my mouth.  But I'll never forget how he reacted, and I know that part of it was out of concern for me/(unnecessary) guilt as well as self-hatred for having contracted HIV in the first place. 

It KILLS me to hear him say things like that, it HURTS my HEART.  I always respond by hugging him and telling him how much I love him....I don't know if that's the "right" thing to do or not, but that's my instinct. 
Boyfriend <3 = positive, undetectable, on ARV's
Me = negative, on Truvada for PrEP

Offline chicago219

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Re: Serodiscordant Couples?
« Reply #32 on: April 20, 2014, 10:25:33 PM »
I can't tell you how happy I am to find this thread. I have been looking for someone to talk to who will understand. I am a negative female with a positive male
We will be celebrating our 8 year anniversary in july. He was diagnosed almost 3 years ago. We didn't know he had it till he had full blown aids and they didn't think he would make it out of the hospital. I got tested a week after he was put in the hospital. We were there a month.
When I first found out I was negative I was so relieved. We had been having unprotected sex for 5 years sometimes multiple times a day. I'm not going to lie I thought about leaving. I honestly find it hard to believe people when they say they never considered it. Obviously we were having other problems too, but mostly I am almost 30 and have no kids and his diagnosis came about a month after we decided it was time to try.
All I could think was there goes my chances of ever being a mom.
We didn't have sex for almost a full year after his diagnosis. We were scared and thinking about the fact that it could kill me ruined the urge for both of us.  The first time we did he went so slow and carefully like the condom was made of tissue lol. However things are good again.  He's undetectable. We use coitus interrupted. Yes that carries risk but with him being undetectable, and me not getting it the first 5 years it seems low risk (not no risk!!) When he misses a doctors appointment or doesn't take his meds on time a few days in a row we go without or use protection.  My question is,  there anyone else on here who wants kids and doesn't have any? Do you feel cheated? Do you ever want to leave? How do you deal?
Wow this ended up being longer than I wanted lol. This has been building up since his diagnosis.  Does anyone else feel there's not enough resources for the partner?
Also he won't talk about it ever!! He never shows emotion about it. Even when he was diagnosed he just said ok..it is what it is.  When I bring up my fears he either makes it sound like I'm a crazy person for thinking about death and or infection, or gets mad and says "then maybe you should go" I know that is not what he wants but it hurts. Sorry about the length. I look forward to having someone who understands

Hi there,

This is quite interesting and very well.  I am same situation and working to get baby. I got dating with my wife 14 years ago. I am poz and she is negative. When i stated dating with her i did not know my status and later on i found out that i m positive. That time she wanted to get married with me but how can i tell my status. It is very difficult to tell anyone in my community or relative. I took eight months to inform and  i used many different ways to tell about my status. I was afraid that if i tell her my status then she would tell to anybody. but she didnot. May be i was worry about it a lot. But finally she decided to get married with me. On that time i told her that we won't have child cuz of my status. she said as long as we together, she will be fine with that. But today it is different story. We are working on for having kids.

Now i am coming to your main point about having kids. It is absolutely fine having kids for serodiscordant couples. There are some steps that you have to go through. Now a days there are many mads and option available about it. And so far i know one couple who had gone through this process and their child is (-) and mom too (-).

IF you really want to know about this process then let me know. I can go over with that.

 


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