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Serodiscordant Couples?

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Neonlove -

1) Is yours a long-distance relationship or do you live in the same town?  You said you recently "spent a week together" and that seemed to bring out the fears of transmission and the sexual frustration.

2) Do you think he is capable of understanding the facts about HIV transmission and how sex life with you is not a risk? You're undetectable. There's basically no risk. 

3) Once he does accept that there is no risk, then if there is still hesitancy about sex, its not about "fear of infection."  The problem may or may not still be about HIV.  Fear of infection can be a "stand in" for other things, its easy to identify and relate to.  As jkinal2 said, there are other challenges like dealing with ones own and society's stigmas about HIV.  Dating someone HIV+ might challenge his conception, or his social world's (family, professional, friends) conception of who is "dateable".  Is HIV+ a "deal breaker" or not. 

When I was negative dating poz guys (this happened 3 times), it was pretty common for my social world to say "he's sweet but wouldn't be be simpler to find someone else?"   

@jkinatl2.... Do you have an email where I can email you directly?


1.we used to live in the same state for the first year of our relationship. Then got transferred to a different state for work. He wanted me to
Move in with him and then I found out of my status and ended up not doing it because I felt that he was slowly going to move on... Which wasn't the case. So I went to visit him just recently and it was nice. We had a discussion about he wanted to sit down and have a conversation with another couple in our situation.

2.hes a very intelligent person. I'm sure he's done his research but I feel like a lot of the information online is inaccurate or it's old information. So that's why I feel like we would both benefit especially him from talking to others. Although when I was out there we still did have oral and kiss and everything but actual penetration so I don't think he's somewhat informed.

3.i feel like my hiv status wouldn't really play a part when it came to the social aspect of it. Only 3 of my friends know and his best friend knows. When it comes down to it there are other aspects like me being a transgender woman.

Well by all means find a way to discuss it together with another serodiscordant couple. Why did you say you want to talk to a "gay couple" specifically. Any permutation of couple could offer info and support.

Yeah there can be old info on the net.

But on the other hand, sex with condoms has been "safe sex" since the 80s so there have always been serodiscordant couples who overcame fear of transmission.

The first year you were together, you didn't have HIV, or didn't know your status?

If someone contracts HIV outside a couple, it can present some challenges in the couple, obviously, but of course I don't know if thats how it went down with you.

Long distance relationships aren't easy to maintain. Wish you the best on this one.


I personally don't mind talking to straight couples or gay couples but he would feel more comfortable talking to a couple that sexually do the same we do (i still have "it" so technically it's still gay sex). The first year we were together I didn't know. I just found out 6 months ago and got on mess immediately which has helped me a lot... But since I found out he has had some trust issues, not just with me but with everyone. He's totally comfortable about it... We talk about it all the times, I'm planning on moving out to where he is but I want to make sure that's he's going to be 100% comfortable and that he's educated about it correctly and there isn't any false information.

And thank you for the wishes. I appreciate it.

Much love to you all.



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