Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
E-newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr MySpace
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
August 22, 2014, 08:00:15 AM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 635584
  • Total Topics: 48218
  • Online Today: 214
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online
Users: 6
Guests: 178
Total: 184

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: Diagnosed on 7/24/2013 ... SO, now what?  (Read 1878 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline NewPerspective

  • Member
  • Posts: 17
Diagnosed on 7/24/2013 ... SO, now what?
« on: July 28, 2013, 08:09:14 PM »
Hi everyone. I am male, gay, 28, from Hawaii, and now know that I am living with HIV. I told three friends, an ex bf, and my sister. From whom and how I got it seems like a pointless rabbit hole for me right now that leads to deep regret, anger, resentment, and most distinctly, self hate. I think I got over the shock and am dealing with in-depth and intimate depression. It's hard to put HIV on the side and try to move forward with my life, as I was living before this information was given to me.

I was diagnosed at my local HIV/AIDS non-profit and was quickly assigned a case manager to help me through this process. Considering that I already had HIV prior to being aware of it, I am fortunate to have been at the right place and around the right people when the diagnosis was given to me. So for that, I am thankful.

The recent days since my diagnosis have been really hard, fearful, and traumatic. I am educating myself and reading as much as I can. I watched MTV's documentary "I'm Positive" made in 2012 (I believe) that introduces three HIV pos people around my age. It's hopeful. And hope is something that I need right now.

My blood has already been drawn and I have an appt. to go through the results in a few weeks. Luckily, I am employed and with health insurance (at least for the next year anyway since my position is funded by a grant). So, for now, things will be doable. One step and one day at a time, right?

I opted to make an appointment with a clinical psychologist this coming Friday. I don't understand my emotions and coping is extremely difficult so I am looking forward to addressing my mental health. I also requested from the HIV/AIDS non profit to be connected with local HIV survivors. I have a meeting with a survivor of 22 years tomorrow. I am looking forward to his wisdom, encouragement, and creating a connection. Connection is something that I really need right now.

I'm not intimately seeing anyone at the moment. Being alone was something to which I looked forward because I like my "me time." But, having my "me time" while being surrounded by overwhelming thoughts is difficult to handle alone. I so hope that I am able to get back to a place in my life where I am comfortable falling asleep by myself and waking up by myself. I so hope that my self motivation will soon be back on the rise and I can move myself forward from within, as I once did throughout my life before this point.

One of the information materials that was given to me when I was diagnosed was the POZ magazine. I checked it out online and found this forum. I anxiously awaited registration approval so I could post, hopefully to receive feedback, advice, support, encouragement, and friendship.

The biggest frustration for me is that I now have this responsibility that I didn't ask for and frankly don't want. But I have it. And it is my responsibility. Denial brings about no resolve. So, I have to buck up and face this head on, right?

Waking up has been the worst for me. I can still hear the counselor asking me, "Are you ready for your result?" I say, "Yes." Then, she says, "You are HIV positive." I collapse in her arms and wail excruciatingly. No tears. Only shock. This scene plays over and over in my head. I hate the mornings right now. I lay in my bed paralyzed and try to force sleep again so I don't have to deal with my thoughts. I KNOW this isn't healthy and that I am depressed. Heck, I haven't left my tiny apartment in two days. I confess. Writing this out and sharing my story, hopefully, is a therapeutic process that will help with the healing. And, by the way, I did promise my sister, who lives on another island, that I will leave the apartment today. I've already showered and will get "the hell outta here" after I submit this post.

I've already read through a number of other posts on POZ and noticed quite a bit of activity. I am looking forward to building a network of support and friends through this forum. I just want to know there is hope. I just want to find comfort. I just need support. I just want to return to the person I was because, right now, it's so hard to believe that I'm the same.

Offline tednlou2

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,815
Re: Diagnosed on 7/24/2013 ... SO, now what?
« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2013, 02:18:08 AM »
Just wanted to welcome you to the forums.  I think most of us went through the same emotions, fears, and depression.  Did you get out today?  How did that go?  It is good to hear you are being proactive and that you are meeting someone, who has lived with the virus for many years.

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Diagnosed on 7/24/2013 ... SO, now what?
« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2013, 06:12:44 AM »
Hi NP, welcome to the forums.

You're not even a whole week into this yet and your emotions are completely normal at this stage. Please know that it DOES get better in time.

Hang in there and go easy on yourself - but going easy on yourself doesn't mean hiding away. Getting back into your usual routine will help.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline NewPerspective

  • Member
  • Posts: 17
Re: Diagnosed on 7/24/2013 ... SO, now what?
« Reply #3 on: July 29, 2013, 06:43:55 AM »
Thanks Tednlou2 and Ann for your encouragement.

@Ted - I did get out today, as promised. I got some food and ate in the new apartment (I am moving this week into a bigger space). I felt the sun, which was great! I did some grocery shopping and met up with a friend (who doesn't know my status) and talked for a while. It was nice to put HIV on the side today and, as Ann said, get back into my usual routine.

Deep breaths. One day at a time. 

Offline Faith313

  • Member
  • Posts: 4
Re: Diagnosed on 7/24/2013 ... SO, now what?
« Reply #4 on: July 29, 2013, 06:34:19 PM »
Hello @NewPerspective I know how you feel. Check out my post. Although I'm still going "thru it," I def feel A WHOLE LOT BETTER after a month of telling myself that I am  +. The weekend I found out - gay pride - I stayed in my place the ENTIRE weekend and HATED the mornings. I felt like, 'what's the point,' but now - a month later - I work out still, have drinks w/ friends, and I am learning to handle it differently.

Offline a2z

  • Member
  • Posts: 191
Re: Diagnosed on 7/24/2013 ... SO, now what?
« Reply #5 on: July 30, 2013, 06:45:32 AM »
Your feelings are quite normal.  Oddly enough, I don't think I had tears when I found out - and I can get pretty emotional.    Just shock.

You are already doing the right thing by seeing a mental health counselor.  The first thing you need to understand is no one "deserves" this.

Something ironic I found.  I've been poz now for a number of years, and despite having both family history of heart disease and diabetes, and being overweight, I have neither issue.  Why?  Because I get more medical care now, being poz, than I ever did when I was negative.   I keep an eye on blood sugar, cholesterol, etc. because I have to have that damn HIV blood work done every three months, and I nip these problems in the bud, early.

You're going to be an emotional see-saw for a while and that's okay.  It's a huge life change.  You'll get through it.
Dates are blood draw dates:
5/23/14: CD4 895 --.-% VL UD - Truvada/Isentress
09/21/09: CD4 898 27.0% VL 120 - back on track, same meds.High level enzymes, but less so
06/15/09: CD4 478 21.8% VL 1150 - high liver enzymes... looks like I may not be resistant
05/22/09: Fixed insurance, resumed medicine
04/17/09: Ran out of medicine, could not resolve insurance problems
04/01/09: CD4 773 28% VL 120 - high liver enzymes
12/01/08: CD4 514 23% VL 630
10/17/08 started Reyataz, Norvir and Truvada. -- possibly minor neuropathy, but otherwise okay.
9/10/08: CD4 345 17%, VL > 78K
8/18/08: CD4 312 18%, VL > 60K (considering meds)
12/19/07: CD4 550 28% VL > 100K (no meds yet)
Diagnosed 10/23/07

Offline NewPerspective

  • Member
  • Posts: 17
Re: Diagnosed on 7/24/2013 ... SO, now what?
« Reply #6 on: July 30, 2013, 05:32:04 PM »
Thanks A2Z! It really helps to know that "it does get better." This is such a huge psychological adjustment for me and I am trying my best to 1. Reach Out and 2. Cope. But, I can't relieve myself from the constant fear of financial burden for the rest of my life.

On that note, anyone interested in starting a tech startup and banking millions??? Then, at least, we won't have to worry about paying for our medical expenses. (Just trying to make light of the situation ... but I'm actually kind of serious).

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.