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Author Topic: My BF is HIV Positive  (Read 2490 times)

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Offline jramos14

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My BF is HIV Positive
« on: July 28, 2013, 09:52:28 AM »
Greetings,

I am writing because I can no longer take the anxiety.  A bit of the background goes like this,

I met a guy and we started dating. About a month later I began to start having feelings for him, but I did not understand why he wouldnt have sex with me.  He eventually told me he was HIV+.  At first i didnt think I could handle it but I liked him. He told me we should go slow and I did.  It has been ok but lately the anxiety has started to really take over me.

HE says that I should get checked but everything I read says something different.  On this website somethings say no risk, while others (Thebody) says its a risk.  I guess I chose to ask on this forum because I am assuming that some of you have been through this.  This has been all the things which he we have done and has been risky.

BTW, he has been on some medication ( I think its one pill) for over 6 years and he says that he gets blood work every six months and the doctor says hes undetetctable (Do not really understand what that means).

1. I have given him unprotected oral - without a condom.  Sometimes it is very deep.  He does precum some but what worried me is that he is uncircumzed and we usually do alot of heavy rubbing before with clothes on.  Is is possible for him to chafe and get a sore on his penis and then infect me because we do ALOT of clothes rubbing.

1a.  Is the deep throating dangerous because of the tissue/membranes there?

2. I kiss him deeply all the time.

3.  He has rimmed me over my underwear. (He licks me through my underwear)

4. I ejaculate but he never ejaculates.  he says he is too scared to.

5. He wont let me rim him.  He says his doctor said he has internal hemorrhoids and that he is scared that I can catch HIV if I do that.  Everyewhere else i read puts that at a risk.

Yesterday after heavy clothes rubbing I gave him a blowjob.  He told me that he felt sore from the rubbing and then freaked out because he thought he might have had a small chafe cut.  He wanted me to go to the doctor for PEP but because I am afraid of the risk, I am not scared to go.

My questions are, how probable is it that I have HIV?  I woke up with sniffles and a cough now and i feel very tired. I have been feeling that way for aboutt two weeks now.  And now he is worried that he has infected me.  He says he wont be able to live with himself if he has and keeps telling me its better to break up.  At this point, I think it is too.  I mean I think I really love this guy but he gets crazy when it comes to having sex.  he says  he feels broken and he is too scared to handle this all the time.   He thinks that we should just be celibate if we want to carry on a relationship.  I really do not know what else.

Should I go get tested for any of the incidents above?   Please help me to understand.  I guess I am hoping for good news, but I understand if it is not.


Thanks a lot and thank you for everything you do on here.



Offline Jeff G

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Re: My BF is HIV Positive
« Reply #1 on: July 28, 2013, 10:22:05 AM »
Hi Jramos , As long as you are using condoms correctly and consistently for vaginal and anal sex you will avoid HIV , its really that simple .

The way you acquire an HIV infection is ....
Sharing IV drug needles immediately after use.
Unprotected anal and vaginal sex.
Mother to child during or shortly after birth
Very specific healthcare situations.


Its sounds as if you both could benefit from this Transmission Lesson

I would recommend counseling from a qualified therapist who is equipped to deal with HIV issues if you continue with this relationship , there is no reason why you two cant enjoy a satisfying and healthy sex life without fear of you contracting HIV with the proper education . 




edited to fix dodgy link formatting I sent to Jeff - my fault!
« Last Edit: July 28, 2013, 10:24:53 AM by Ann »

Offline jramos14

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Re: My BF is HIV Positive
« Reply #2 on: July 30, 2013, 02:43:08 PM »
Just to clarify, how likely is it that he can transmit the virus if he is undetectable? He is on Atripla and has been for many years and he keeps telling me that I should go get PreP. However we havent had anal intercourse yet, and would only proceed with condoms.  However, he thinks I should get PreP if I want to continue giving him oral sex.  He says we should use condoms because he feels he can have microcuts from rubbing on his penis and that he is uncircumsized.  He thinks oral sex is also highly contagious.  I keep telling him that it is not, but he insists that his doctor says that it is.  How do you think we can proceed?  I really want this relationship to continue - he is such a wonderful guy.

Any thoughts would be helpful.

Offline Jeff G

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Re: My BF is HIV Positive
« Reply #3 on: July 30, 2013, 02:50:51 PM »
Its unlikely for a person to transmit HIV if he is undetectable and STD free .

Again ,The way you acquire an HIV infection is ....
Sharing IV drug needles immediately after use.
Unprotected anal and vaginal sex.
Mother to child during or shortly after birth
Very specific healthcare situations.
 

If you continue to use condoms for vaginal and anal sex you will avoid HIV , if you add PREP and undetectable into the mix you will not contract HIV .

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: My BF is HIV Positive
« Reply #4 on: July 30, 2013, 04:47:56 PM »
Just to clarify, how likely is it that he can transmit the virus if he is undetectable? He is on Atripla and has been for many years and he keeps telling me that I should go get PreP. However we havent had anal intercourse yet, and would only proceed with condoms.  However, he thinks I should get PreP if I want to continue giving him oral sex.  He says we should use condoms because he feels he can have microcuts from rubbing on his penis and that he is uncircumsized.  He thinks oral sex is also highly contagious.  I keep telling him that it is not, but he insists that his doctor says that it is.  How do you think we can proceed?  I really want this relationship to continue - he is such a wonderful guy.

Any thoughts would be helpful.

If he is on meds and undetectable you wuill not, I repeat WILL NOT get HIV from sucking him off. Period.

Sounds like you botfriend needs to be on this site as well as you, if he believes the decades-old outdated myth of "microcuts." It is impossible for you to fully educate yourself about HIV transmission in the environment of a relationship where your positive partner does not.

And if your boyfriend's doctor is feeding him that garbage, then he needs a new doctor.

You do NOT need to be on PrEP, which is both expensive AND requires refular monitoring of your liver function (because it can cause liver damage) which will accrue additional expenses in lab work. Not for unprotected oral sex, that's for sure.

As far as anal sex goes, here's the real deal:

Heterosexual serodiscordant couples these days often do NOT opt for "sperm washing" and "in-vitro fertililization" to conveive a child. They do it naturally, without condoms.

Because if a couple is in a securely monogamous relationship and the positive partner is undetectable then AND there are no other STDs between the two of them then they do not pass the virus along. This forum is FILLED with women who have had children naturally, and many go on to have unprotected sex without infection, so long as the viral load stays managed and monogamy/freedom from other STDs is assured.

They do this with the knoeldge and blessing of their doctors. Doctors who actually understand the reality of HIV and it's transmission and treatment in 2013.

And I will tell you another secret: gay men in monogamous serodiscordant relationships with no other STDs do it as well, with no transmission.

It requires being a little more forthcoming with your doctors then heterosexual couples, of course, as you have to identify your preferrefed anal sexual positioning. If you, as the negative partner, are essentially the "top" or insertive partner in anal sex, then the risk is virtually non-existent if your partner has his virus under control - even without PrEP, even without condoms.

If you are essentially the receptive partner, or "bottom," then the risk gets bumped up a degree. But even then, if your partner's virus is being managed, and he is getting regularly monitored, it's not a risk that's even easily quantified.

Add PrEP to that? And there's NO reason to use condoms if you are mutually monogamous.

That is the real deal. That is the truth. Thise are the facts.

I will be happy to link studies, and you can peruse (but not post) in this forum to see for yourself.

Well, you are probably allowed to post in "Someone I Care About Has HIV" but I would need to clear that with the other moderators.

It is personally exhausting, fighting the ignorance and hysteria that still surrounds HIV - rsprcially when perpetuated by doctors.  Sadly, many of the same doctors who cheerfully endorse natural heterosexual conception and sex still proclaim sex between gay serodiscordant men as unsafe. It's homophobia, it's sex-negative, it perpetuates stigma and it is NOT grounded in contemporary science.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline jramos14

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Re: My BF is HIV Positive
« Reply #5 on: August 09, 2013, 12:52:24 AM »
Greetings once again,

I just wanted to keep you posted.  I finally managed to have anal intercourse with my HIV+ boyfriend (I was the bottom and he was the top).  He did wear a condom and he did ejaculate while we were having intercourse but once again it was using a condom.

We did use lube.  Afterwards he cleaned up and i performed oral sex on him.  At that point he said that he felt sore (he is uncircumsized and so he thinks that the friction makes him sore on his foreskin he thinks that he chafes)  We ended up having a fight because he began to have anxiety. Once again he is undetectable and on atripla, but he began to say to me,

1 what if there was still semen on his penis after we had finished and then i gave him oral

2. What if there were tiny holes in the condoms and we did not know it.

He immediately told me that we should go to the doctor for PEP. We ended up going and the ER doctor prescribed some, which I did not understand why because I thought I had no risk.


My questions are as follows:

Should I start the PEP or did the ER doc just prescribe it for me because he did not know any better?

Did I have risk? 

I thought that I was going to be OK with this relationship but my BF's anxiety is beginning to start to get the best of me.  he keeps thinking that he might infect me even though I thought that protected anal intercourse was OK and so was unprotected oral.

His anxiety is now starting to destroy our relationship.  Any suggestions?

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: My BF is HIV Positive
« Reply #6 on: August 09, 2013, 01:38:52 AM »
Wow.

Your boyfriend REALLY needs to get a handle on his HIV status.

You absolultely do NOT need PEP over that incident.

Why hasn't he joined this forum? Or any other forum, for that matter?

Your boyfriend is undetectable. Does HE not understand what that means? WHy is he even in a relationship if he is uncertain of the science behind transmission?

Your posts pose a lot more questions than answers, and I am afraid your boyfriend will need to come to terms with his own infection and educate himself before he is any good to you at all - at least in the context of a romantic relationship.

Listen, I will petition the moderators to allow you to post in the forum "Someone I Care About Has HIV" if you want to go further with this, as you have used up your free posts here. But speaking as someone who has had HIV for over 20 years, your boyfriend is nowhere NEAR ready for a relationship.

The ignorance regarding HIV, the freaking out over no risk situations, and then dragging YOU to an ER for potent medications you DO NOT NEED are red flags.

You seem to have educated yourself about HIV, to your credit. It is sad that your boyfriend hasn't done his own homework.


"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Jeff G

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Re: My BF is HIV Positive
« Reply #7 on: August 09, 2013, 01:40:31 AM »
I will answer your questions under what I quoted from you .


1 what if there was still semen on his penis after we had finished and then i gave him oral

Oral sex isn't a risk so it doesn't matter .

2. What if there were tiny holes in the condoms and we did not know it.

Condoms are designed so that if they fail , they do so catastrophically . You would know if a condom broke . That also means condoms do not get tiny holes without shredding . 

He immediately told me that we should go to the doctor for PEP. We ended up going and the ER doctor prescribed some, which I did not understand why because I thought I had no risk.

You didn't have a risk and its outrageous that a doctor would do such a thing . If I were you I would stop taking it .

My questions are as follows:

Should I start the PEP or did the ER doc just prescribe it for me because he did not know any better?

You do not need PEP .

Did I have risk?

Not in the slightest .



Honestly ... You have been given all the advice you need to avoid HIV already and its like you never even read it .
« Last Edit: August 09, 2013, 01:42:45 AM by Jeff G »

Offline Ann

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Re: My BF is HIV Positive
« Reply #8 on: August 09, 2013, 05:03:05 AM »

HE says that I should get checked but everything I read says something different. 


J,

The above quote is the only thing I even remotely agree with your boyfriend over. While nothing the two of you have done has been a risk for hiv infection, as a sexually active adult, you should be having a FULL sexual health check up at least once a year.

Have you ever tested, or had a FULL check up? If you haven't, you should. If you've never been tested, for all you know you may have been hiv positive before entering into this current relationship. If you do test positive, it certainly won't be due to anything you've done in the current relationship.

Regarding posting in the Someone I Care About forum, please be aware that you will not be permitted to use it solely to ask more transmission questions. We've already told you all you need to know on that score, so please re-read your entire thread.

Here's what you need to know in order to avoid hiv infection:

You need to be using condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, every time, no exceptions until such time as you are in a securely monogamous relationship where you have both tested for ALL sexually transmitted infections together.

To agree to have unprotected intercourse is to consent to the possibility of being infected with an STI. Sex without a condom lasts only a matter of minutes, but hiv is forever.

Have a look through the condom and lube links in my signature line so you can use condoms with confidence.

Anyone who is sexually active should be having a full sexual health care check-up, including but not limited to hiv testing, at least once a year and more often if unprotected intercourse occurs.

If you aren't already having regular, routine check-ups, now is the time to start. As long as you make sure condoms are being used for intercourse, you can fully expect your routine hiv tests to return with negative results.

Don't forget to always get checked for all the other sexually transmitted infections as well, because they are MUCH easier to transmit than hiv. Some of the other STIs can be present with no obvious symptoms, so the only way to know for sure is to test.

Use condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, correctly and consistently, and you will avoid hiv infection. It really is that simple!

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

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