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Author Topic: I posted this in "I Just Tested Poz" and after 85 views, not one response...  (Read 5482 times)

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Offline Brokenbuthere

  • Member
  • Posts: 18
This morning I went from being happily pregnant for the first time, I'm 46(F), to finding out within two minutes that my baby's heart had stopped beating and that I am HIV+. I've been married for 6 years and with my husband only for 8 years. I've not had any sexual encounters with anyone but my husband for the last 8 years. My husband, 43(M) is bisexual, so am I, but we are both aware he had some risky sexual encounters before we met, but he had been tested at that time and was negative. I am devastated, not only because I haven't miscarried my poor baby yet, but I can't seem to process this HIV news. My OBGYN was very cold and clinical, and wanted me out of her office ASAP. I don't really know where to turn yet, my entire life has just come crashing down around me. I guess I'm just looking for other people who've gone through a similar situation, at least the HIV part. Just a little encouragement or kindness is so desperately needed right now. My husband is being tested immediately, as we feel like it had to be him, but we still aren't sure how this happened. Sorry for the wall of text.
Diagnosed July 26, 2013
sep/13 cd4 1008, cd4% 45, vl 19,000
sep/6/13 started Stribild

Offline flaconvert

  • Member
  • Posts: 16
hello Broken- I am one of the 85 who viewed your post and to be honest i was overwhelmed for you and just did not know how to respond. My heart goes out to you. If you want please PM me.

Offline karry

  • Member
  • Posts: 271
Hi Broken, I am touched by your story. You are dealing with so much right now and I wish I could find the magic words to alleviate some of your pains.
I am mad at the way the obgyn treated you. You ought to have been given all the support you need especially from the medical team.
I can only send you a virtual hug and warm thoughts.
Karry
Take it a day at a time....and be positive about it too!

Offline Brokenbuthere

  • Member
  • Posts: 18
I definitely understand that my story is so gut wrenching that it is hard to even begin to imagine what to say, I really do, I don't know what to say myself. This is a nightmare I could never even begin to conjure up in the depths of my own mind. It's a long weekend waiting for all the inevitable phone calls and doctor visits that will start next week. Since I found out all the on Friday, I'm basically sitting around my house alternately crying and sleeping and haunting the internet. My sister's baby shower was today too, and it was something I'd been looking forward to for months. She only knows about me losing my baby, not about the HIV, we're going to wait til after she has her baby in a few weeks. My mom is understandably devastated too, and having to carry on as best she can. I'm the oldest and I'm used to being everyone's rock in times of crisis. This time, it's me that's dealing the horrific blow, and I find myself trying to comfort my friends and family and assure them I'm okay. My husband is here and he's going through hell too, but he has managed to escape into World of Warcraft and I'm letting him do that. He's of course waiting for his opportunity to be tested too and we are looking at information online about where might be the best place to live with good close resources for folks with HIV.
The other issue of course, is that I'm still carrying my baby and waiting for the dreaded miscarriage pains and anguish to start. Will it be a day, a week, I don't know. I can't face going back to work right now, the type of work I do would cause me untold pain on a daily basis, and triggers that might just push me over some kind of dark edge. I just need to hear others voices out there, stories of hope and happiness. Just knowing there are actually others out there who care that some poor woman in Texas is going through this and they might have just a small word for me. Thanks for the two responses, I appreciate it.
Diagnosed July 26, 2013
sep/13 cd4 1008, cd4% 45, vl 19,000
sep/6/13 started Stribild

Offline klassykitty

  • Member
  • Posts: 381
Bronkenbuthere,

I was going to ask where you lived, but then I saw Texas.  You may want to go the Living with part and ask if anyone in TX could recommend an AIDS dr.  Also you might want to look for an AIDS Service Organization.  Another place you can look, (and this is going to sound strange but I did it) a local college, 2 or 4 year, that has an LGBT club may have someone in the club may know of a dr. or at least help point you in the right direction.

What part of TX. do you live in?  I have family in TX.,
How to handle stress like a dog:
If you can't eat it or play with it.....
then pee on it and walk away

Diagnosed 01-20-2011
01-23  CD4 32    VL 125,400
02-18        76     VL 189
03-14  no cd4 test done   VL-52
04-14   69  VL-UNDECTABLE  YEA!!
05-26   50  whoopsy  
06-27   71        %-7
08-15   64 WTF %-9 
10-16  80         %7  
2012  CD4  %Thing   VL-UD
01-18  87    7
04-18  93    8  
07-16  151  8         
10-18  83    9    VL-70
2013   CD4   %thing       VL-UD
01-28  121     9
04-24  148    11   
07-25  157    11   
10-22  185    13
2014   CD-4  %thing   VL-UD
02-07 201 YEA!!!!!!  12
06-03  205      12

Offline Brokenbuthere

  • Member
  • Posts: 18
I live a little Northwest of Houston, almost absorbed by Houston, (think Willowbrook area but a little farther out) and I have connected with some resources in Houston in the past 24 hours, and have started making plans for Monday. I have private insurance and have two doctors recommended by HIV+ friends that I am going to be contacting on Monday morning. So, there's a few things going on there, and I'm sure with time I'll be able to utilize those support sources.
I'm still in the grief, shock, and denial stage and needing to seek testing for my husband, treatment regarding my baby (I still haven't miscarried), and dealing with my employer and seeing about a leave. The type of work I do, I don't think I will ever be able to do it again now, I just cannot face it. I imagine walking in the door there and I know I would turn around and run screaming out of the door...
Overwhelmed doesn't eve begin to describe it. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I keep having to fight off panic attacks. I managed to go to the grocery store today but had some very bad moments where I thought I'd have to run out of there too. But I didn't, I made it.
Long road ahead, and I can post more tomorrow if anyone wants.
Diagnosed July 26, 2013
sep/13 cd4 1008, cd4% 45, vl 19,000
sep/6/13 started Stribild

Offline klassykitty

  • Member
  • Posts: 381
My family is in Vider, Jasper and Buna (i'm pretty sure that is spelled wrong.)   it's my grandmas brothers and sis's, I haven't been there for 40 years.  I have driven through TX several times in the past 12 years but never stopped.

post all you want we will listen, keep in mind though that there's ladies from all over the world so sometimes it may take awhile for someone to get back.

I can't say that I have been through a similar situation like you, well not the baby part. But the HIV part, in that way everyone on here has 1 thing in common.

Have you checked out any of the other sections like the living with, or the off topic section?  If you want or need a good laugh read the off topic section, sometimes it's a hoot what is posted on there.  There's also lots of stories of hope and happiness on them.

Well it's time to study for my Psych. test. something else that is hoot sometimes, the test not the class that part is dry and mostly boring. ;D

Michelle 8)
How to handle stress like a dog:
If you can't eat it or play with it.....
then pee on it and walk away

Diagnosed 01-20-2011
01-23  CD4 32    VL 125,400
02-18        76     VL 189
03-14  no cd4 test done   VL-52
04-14   69  VL-UNDECTABLE  YEA!!
05-26   50  whoopsy  
06-27   71        %-7
08-15   64 WTF %-9 
10-16  80         %7  
2012  CD4  %Thing   VL-UD
01-18  87    7
04-18  93    8  
07-16  151  8         
10-18  83    9    VL-70
2013   CD4   %thing       VL-UD
01-28  121     9
04-24  148    11   
07-25  157    11   
10-22  185    13
2014   CD-4  %thing   VL-UD
02-07 201 YEA!!!!!!  12
06-03  205      12

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Hi BBH, welcome to the forums, and please accept my sincere apology for such a late reply. Like others, I was at a loss for words. (Rare for me, but it is what it is.) Your situation hit home for me in ways I won't go into right now - this is about you, not me.

One thing I've been wondering about - you've obviously tested positive on a routine pre-natal hiv screening, but has that positive result been confirmed with a positive Western Blot test result as well?

I ask because there are some conditions that can cause false positive antibody results and pregnancy is at the top of the list. A negative WB result will prove a false positive antibody result.

The reaction of your OB/GYN (get out of my office ASAP) is what makes me wonder about your test result (if it's been confirmed) and it also makes me wonder about something else as well.

How thorough was she in searching for the heartbeat? If you're still in the early stages of pregnancy, the heartbeat can sometimes be difficult to find. I had a scare like that in the early days when I was carrying my daughter and it took about ten minutes to locate her heartbeat. From what you've written, she didn't want to have to deal with you so maybe she did a rush job.

I hope you can get an appointment today with a caring doctor who won't have the same type of knee-jerk, hiv-phobic reaction as your OB/GYN. Make sure your antibody test has been confirmed with a WB test and make sure you are given another ultrasound.

I don't want to give you false hope, but given your OB/GYN's attitude you do need to make sure both of her conclusions were the correct ones. Doctors are human too and are subject to all the same human foibles we all are and some will carry their religious and/or political bigotry into the exam room with them and make errors as a result.

I've heard too many stories from hiv positive women who experienced inept (for whatever reason) "care" from OB/GYNs who came at their case from an emotional and hiv-phobic, rather than medical, point of view, much to the woman's - and sometimes baby's - detriment. In my experience, an OB/GYN who treats a potentially hiv positive woman in a "cold and clinical" manner is doing so in order to mask their seething emotions and prejudice.

You deserve better care and I hope you get it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My thoughts are with you and have been since you first posted. Again, my apologies for the late reply.

Please keep us posted.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Online TabooPrincess

  • Member
  • Posts: 279
Thinking about you over in England.  You're not alone and although it may feel like you'll never get out of this misery, you will.  Take each minute at a time, soon it'll be every hour that you can bear, then every day and eventually a week.  A little bit of your soul may be gone now from both of your shocking news, but please see yourself as bent not broken.

Keep talking and shouting and crying and ranting. 
09/ 2008 - Seroconversion
11/2008 - Tested pos, cd4 640 vl 25400
12/2008 - cd4 794 vl 27798, 35%
03/2009 - cd4 844 vl 68846, 35%
06/2009 - cd4 476 vl 49151, 33% (pregnancy confirmed)
08/2009 - cd4 464 vl 54662, 32%
Started meds for pregnancy (Kaletra, AZT, Viread)
09/2009 - cd4 841 vl 3213, 42%
10/2009 - cd4 860 vl 1088, 41%
11/2009 - cd4 771 vl 563, 38%
12/2009 - cd4 885 vl 151 42%
Discontinued meds after baby born
02/2010 - cd4 841 vl 63781, 38%
05/2010 - cd4 1080 vl 113000, 39%
08/2010 - cd4 770 vl 109242
12/2010 - cd4 642 vl 111000, 34%
06/2011 - cd4 450 vl 222000, 33%
11/2011 - cd4 419 vl 212000, 24%
03/2012 - cd4 280 vl 118000, 26% (repeated Cd4 at 360)
05/2012 -cd4 360 vl 99,190
10/2012 Atripla, cd4 690, vl 80
12/2012 Darunavir, norvir, truvada, Cd4 680, vl u/d
07/2013 cd4 750,ud

Offline Brokenbuthere

  • Member
  • Posts: 18
I got a copy of my lab results yesterday, and the Western blot was included and stated positive. My primary care doctor retested me yesterday and tested my husband as well. We should be getting the results back today or tomorrow. I'd read about some false positives with pregnancy, didn't want to grasp at straws or false hope, but my doctor felt that I and my husband are both "low risk" based on our lifestyles, and seemed really puzzled that I would be positive, especially since I donate blood regularly, most recently three months ago, and no one has ever said a word. Anyway...on the baby front, I have started spotting slightly and we expect that I will miscarry naturally very soon. The health department called me the other day and completely freaked me out, saying that by law they have to meet with me. It scared me so bad after I hung up the phone I ran screaming into the bathroom and cowered in a corner. Scared the hell out of my husband. I've since spoken to the woman again and told her she'd have to wait til Friday to meet with me, and I will already have my updated results (including viral load, etc) back by then. We are meeting at my mom's house. Things are very much up in the air until we get these results back...I will post more once I know one way or another. Thanks for the responses, I will be cross posting this in "I Just Tested Poz" for those that read this story there. I'm trying to hang in and stay calm.
Diagnosed July 26, 2013
sep/13 cd4 1008, cd4% 45, vl 19,000
sep/6/13 started Stribild

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,853
  • Vegas baby!
Broken, my sincere apologies for not reading this sooner. Often there are no new posts in the women's forum so I just gloss over the other sections.

I am so, so sorry for your dilemma.  Your reactions are perfectly understandable.  Your posting here shows the courage you have.  For the situation, I would not expect such honesty in a short amount of time, and I applaud you for it.  Just know, it's normal, everything you're feeling, every reaction you're having.  And we'll listen, just keep posting.

As far as the pregnancy goes, I'm so sorry about that also.  And I don't want you to think this is the end of your being able to have a child.  I, besides being positive, work in an ASO (Aids service organization), and have two clients who have had children since their diagnosis, and the babies are negative, with the appropriate treatment.  And the mothers are doing well, both healthy.  So, if you do want to have a child someday, don't give up that hope.  It can be done. 

The health department wanting to meet with you is perfectly normal.  I can tell you in the city I work in (South Bend, Indiana), the health department meets with people who are newly diagnosed, plus other instances, such if someone's diagnosed with TB or syphilis etc.   Not with every new test, but a lot of them.  They should treat you with the upmost respect and just go over basic info.  Don't let them scare you.

As far as your OB, she was definitely in the wrong and you should never see her again.  Sounds like she just wants a certain type of patient, and if you ever want to get pregnant again and have a good pregnancy, I would definitely seek treatment elsewhere.  An ASO should be able to point you in the direction of doctors who have treated pregnant HIV+ women.

Don't give up hope-on anything.  If you don't want to do the type of work you've been doing, work somewhere else, when you're ready to return to the work force.  You don't have to be stuck in a certain type of career.  I myself went on disability around '94, and hadn't worked since that year up until about 4 years ago.  That's a long time.  But it is possible to seek a job in a different field.  You deserve to be employed in a career you enjoy, or at least feel comfortable in.

If you have any questions you don't want to post here, or just want to unload, feel free to pm me.   Just keep patience with yourself.  You'll get there. 

Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Brokenbuthere

  • Member
  • Posts: 18
Betty,

I really want to thank you for your response. It's Friday morning around 6am and I was hoping someone had responded to my last post. My husband and I were supposed to get our results yesterday, but at 4:45pm the doctor's office said they still hadn't received them, even though they'd called the lab "at least five times". I don't even want to try and interpret that, because it probably has less to do with me than it has to do with that's just the way it goes with labs. Anyway...I'm starting to cramp severely from the miscarriage, but still little in the way of blood (sorry, tmi I know). My mom (who is a nurse, retired) wants me to just go to the hospital emergency room and ask for a D&C, but I'm not ready for that horror show yet. I spent yesterday morning with my psychiatrist, and I'm now "officially" under his care again. He was matter of fact about the HIV diagnosis, and said he treats plenty of HIV poz patients, and that nowadays it's not what it was and I'll be fine. He was the first person that focused more on my loss as far as my baby. I was very grateful for that. He's filing short term disability paperwork for me, and wants me to start off with at least a month off work and then go from there. That is buying me time to grieve and figure out what I want to do next as far as work.
He started me on a new medication, I won't mention the name here, but it appears to be geared more towards persons with Bipolar disorder. I'm giving it a shot.
Today I meet with the lady from the health department, and I'm ready to get that taken care of and put behind me. I'm also waiting for the results back from my regular doctor of course, for myself as well as my husband. It's going to be a harrowing day.
I will keep posting here now that I received your response, I had decided to stop posting because no one ever said much, and I figured maybe it was too hard for people. But now that I know there are a few people that care, I will continue.
Thank you so much for your kind and knowledgeable words.
Diagnosed July 26, 2013
sep/13 cd4 1008, cd4% 45, vl 19,000
sep/6/13 started Stribild

Offline BT65

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  • Member
  • Posts: 9,853
  • Vegas baby!
Broken, I'm glad you posted again.  And I'm so happy you're seeing a psych who has experience with HIV+ folk.  Let me know how you're doing on the medication.  I've been on an antidepressant for years, and my doctor just now wants to add another one.  I'll probably start that tomorrow.  Always a bit apprehensive about starting a new psych med, but I don't like feeling like s*** either lol.

I know this is going to sound terrible, but it could be a good thing you'll only have to be focusing on yourself for the time being, instead of worrying about going through a new pregnancy while just being diagnosed.  Once you're more knowledgeable, and know what your labs show, and can calm a bit, then maybe having a baby at that time would be a better situation.  Not that I'm happy about your miscarriage, just sayin.'  You really need to help yourself right now, and get to the point where you're comfortable.  Which takes time, believe me. 

I'll continue to check in here.  Keep going forward, just keep doing it, even if you don't feel like it sometimes (believe me, I still have my times).  You're doing great!

Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Brokenbuthere

  • Member
  • Posts: 18
My husband and I did get our test results, and we are both confirmed HIV positive on Friday. Then early Saturday morning, the following happened:

I spent yesterday in the hospital miscarrying my baby. I can't even begin to describe the horror of the day. The hospital staff was extremely compassionate and kind, and was very assuring of my HIV positive status, and that I would be fine. I'm grieving for this baby so much. I know people are saying I can try again, but I'm 46, my husband and I are both HIV positive, and it took me 25 years to conceive this baby. (I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) I don't think this is a possibility, nor do I think I could survive going through this again. Can two people who are HIV positive conceive and have a child with proper meds that would be negative? I don't even know the answer to that.

I'm in so much pain, I barely am even thinking of my poz status at the moment, I can only think of this dear little baby that I saw for only a brief second, that I wanted more than I've ever wanted anything in my entire life.

The physical pain was excruciating, because I tried to do it naturally at home, but it got so bad yesterday morning that I finally had to give in and go to the hospital. They promised I could take my baby home with me, but in the end they wouldn't because the pathologist wouldn't be in until Monday, and because I'm poz they said it was a health hazard. I tried to understand their reasoning, but inside I was so mad. I knew that would happen.

They say I can call the hospital Monday and make arrangements for a memorial service, but my mother says I should just let it go. My husband says whatever I need to do he will support. At this moment, I'm unsure.

I will continue to post, and will start focusing on my poz diagnosis more and start learning to live again, my husband and I have an appointment with an excellent infectious disease specialist who is very encouraging about our status in two weeks, and we will go from there. Thanks again for the kind words and thoughts.

I'm still here, but I feel so empty inside now that the little one is gone.
Diagnosed July 26, 2013
sep/13 cd4 1008, cd4% 45, vl 19,000
sep/6/13 started Stribild

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,853
  • Vegas baby!
I'm so very, very sorry for your loss.  To answer the question about two positive people conceiving, and having a baby that can be negative, the answer is yes.  There are meds that pregnant HIV+ women take, then the baby is treated for a number of weeks when born.  Like my two female clients who had babies, were treated with Kaletra and Truvada throughout their pregnancies.  And the babies were treated with AZT when born, for exactly how many weeks, I cannot recall.  And the babies are negative.

With your age, and GYN issues, I would definitely seek the treatment of an OB/GYN who has treated HIV+ women, and knows about the polycystic ovarian, if you want to try to conceive again.  Which I'm not versed in, sorry, cannot offer any info on that. 

I can only imagine the pain you're going through.  I've had a miscarriage before, and understand.  But it was nothing you did so don't blame yourself.  Just take each day a little at a time, an hour a time if you need to, and continue reaching out.  We're here, and we're listening. :-*
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Brokenbuthere

  • Member
  • Posts: 18
It's Monday.
My husband had to go back to work today. His employer is not the sympathetic type, nor do they have any idea about our positive status. My husband messaged me earlier and said his boss had left a new "employee handbook" on his desk that he wants him to sign. My husband is a salaried employee, he doesn't work by the hour.
     He has a doctor's note for every single absence, and they have copies on record. Unfortunately he works for a small family owned business with less than 50 employees and zero benefits, so no option for leave or anything like that. We're waiting to see how all this is going to work out, and stressed that they will try to not pay him for the time he had to be out.
     This is the first time I've been without him in the 10 days since all this started. It's hard.
     I had to call the pathologist today about the baby. He was at first a bit gruff, and started to ask me what I wanted it for. I was crying somewhat as I explained, and he told me that I should "calm down". It always pisses me off when people tell me that. I'm not shouting from the rafters or flipping out, I'm crying because I'm grieving. I told him "Sir, I am calm. I am just sad, don't tell me to calm down." Anyway, he seemed to get a grip after that, and explained to me that it is no problem for me to come get my baby tomorrow, just the embryo is all I want, not the rest of the material. It will be in an alcohol solution that he explained to me that is not a health hazard or contamination issue to anyone.
     My family has a cemetery (private) located in deep East Texas that I have family buried in that goes back over one hundred years. My dearly loved PawPaw, my Aunt, and my Uncle that only passed two years ago (today in fact) that are resting there, and in a couple of months when I'm feeling better, I am taking my baby to be there with family, to keep an eye over my dear little one.
     I don't care if they don't get it. I don't care if they don't think it was a real baby because it died so soon. I'm not about getting into religious debates on the beginning of life when people (friends, family, whatever) want to question my motives. This is MY decision, and that was MY baby, and that is how it's going to be handled, and I don't care what anyone thinks.
     I called the lady from the Health Department today and explained what was going on, and advised her of my husband's positive status. I requested that she also handle his case, so that we don't have to go through all this again with someone else. She said she would be more than happy to do that, and checked to see if they had his information yet, but it hasn't been reported yet. She is keeping an eye out for it, and we are tentatively scheduled to meet at my home on this coming Thursday afternoon after my husband gets home from work. I'm meeting up with my psychiatrist that morning as well, as a part of my ongoing care and treatment. I'm taking the medicine he prescribed, as directed. I know it takes time, but I hope it helps.
     It's not even noon yet and I've broken down and cried at least four times already. Physically I seem to be doing okay as far as the aftermath of the miscarriage, and talked to the nurse at my old GYN office, before the pregnancy. She told me to give it a couple of weeks and then come in and see my old gynecologist, and that he would happy to be my health provider again. I informed them of my HIV positive status.
     I need to check in with my case manager for my short term disability to make sure they are processing all the paperwork needed to approve it so that hopefully I'll get some kind of paycheck this Friday. Otherwise, things might get pretty bad financially around here pretty quick. Mondays are so busy for them though, I think I've done enough today and will check in with her tomorrow.
     Okay so that's all for now. I appreciate all of you who are continuing to read my posts and I deeply appreciate the comments and private messages I've received. One day at a time. I'll follow up soon.
     
Diagnosed July 26, 2013
sep/13 cd4 1008, cd4% 45, vl 19,000
sep/6/13 started Stribild

Offline MrT

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Brokenbuthere - I read your messages in the other forum. I have followed every one of your messages and it brings tears to my eyes. Though I am short of words, but what I know for a fact is that , you have life and there are resources available to tame this beast. I am really sorry about the loss of your beloved child. I am in the process of having one and I already know how serious it is.

Somehow it feels that I know you. My heart goes out to you and your husband, I share your pain with you. "The Castle you built may tumble and fall, but there will always be a place for you" come what may!

Offline Jeff G

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Mr T , I assume you are Mr and not a Miss LOL . Only women are allowed to post in this particular forum . Please read the posting rules and guidelines in the welcome threads and it will help you determine what forums you are allowed to post in . Thanks ! 

Offline Brokenbuthere

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Tuesday morning.
This one will be brief. I'm about to head up to the hospital to get my baby. Please send me good thoughts so that I can get through this. My husband had to go to work so I'm doing this alone.
Diagnosed July 26, 2013
sep/13 cd4 1008, cd4% 45, vl 19,000
sep/6/13 started Stribild

Offline Brokenbuthere

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Home from the hospital. The pathologist came in and sat me down and said, "I have some news". My heart dropped. I couldn't imagine what news he could give me that I didn't already know. It was twins. I have no words right now.
Diagnosed July 26, 2013
sep/13 cd4 1008, cd4% 45, vl 19,000
sep/6/13 started Stribild

Offline BT65

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So, so sorry.  I hope you're feeling a bit better today, just be gentle with yourself.  Keep reaching out to us, we're here.  Sending a big cyber [[[hug]]].
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Jessy

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Hi broken, I read all your posts and was really saddened. I don't have alot to say other than hang in there and take good care of yourself and your husband.

Offline Brokenbuthere

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Wednesday.
My short term disability has been approved, although no check this Friday, I had missed the cutoff for payroll, but knowing that it will be there next payday in two weeks is somewhat of a relief, and I can juggle til then I hope. Still no idea what my husband's pay will look like this Friday, but we are doubting it will be good.
The twins are safe with me now, I have a small meditation shrine in my bedroom, and they are there with my Buddha until the time comes that I can take them to our family cemetery in East Texas.
Today I am going with my husband to see his old therapist that he has known and worked with for many years. My husband is bipolar and has Adult ADD and has been on medication for a really long time. She knows his history well and I've met with her for him once before, it's just that she's really far away, and she doesn't take our insurance so we don't go to her much. Today she is seeing us for no charge.
I'm dreading the drive down there, my anxiety disorder is full blown right now and I keep imagining all sorts of horrible things could happen on the drive. It's irrational, but I'm learning that I'm not alone in these thoughts due to my GAD.
Tomorrow is my psychiatrist visit, and then the lady from the health department. Then tomorrow evening my husband is taking me to potluck with Houston area Poz social group. I don't feel like I'm ready, but my husband says it will be good for me.
Diagnosed July 26, 2013
sep/13 cd4 1008, cd4% 45, vl 19,000
sep/6/13 started Stribild

Offline britchick

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Hi Broken,

 Im so sorry that  i didn't reply to you earlier..I just didn't know what to say .I dont have any children but had a miscarriage many years ago.I really didn't know what to say, apart from how brave you are and that you are and incredibly strong  .
Your story really touched my heart.
I can only write from my heart and tell you that this site is amazing and a great source of comfort and knowlege.

Please take time to heal, put yourself first and know that we all care about you.

Britchickx

Offline klassykitty

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Broken,

Did you go to the potluck?  If so how was it?

I wanted to let you know that if you are worried about what a psychiatrist costs check with your HIV doctor or a caseworker.  My caseworker put me in touch with a psychiatrist that was paid for through my medicaid.  (or is it medicare, I always get them confused).  I was allowed 12 visits, no matter how I scheduled them. 

I didn't go the whole 12 times but the times that I did go helped.

Michelle :)
How to handle stress like a dog:
If you can't eat it or play with it.....
then pee on it and walk away

Diagnosed 01-20-2011
01-23  CD4 32    VL 125,400
02-18        76     VL 189
03-14  no cd4 test done   VL-52
04-14   69  VL-UNDECTABLE  YEA!!
05-26   50  whoopsy  
06-27   71        %-7
08-15   64 WTF %-9 
10-16  80         %7  
2012  CD4  %Thing   VL-UD
01-18  87    7
04-18  93    8  
07-16  151  8         
10-18  83    9    VL-70
2013   CD4   %thing       VL-UD
01-28  121     9
04-24  148    11   
07-25  157    11   
10-22  185    13
2014   CD-4  %thing   VL-UD
02-07 201 YEA!!!!!!  12
06-03  205      12

Offline Brokenbuthere

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Checking in....

My husband and I had our first appointment with our HIV doctor. He's really great and has been working with HIV/AIDS since the 80s. He was very confident and reassuring to both of us. We had a lot of blood drawn for all the testing to see where we are at and if we need to start meds yet or not. He answered a lot of questions. We also went to the Montrose Center in Houston and got registered with the Ryan White Foundation, and started working with some counselors there.

I'm on two medications from my psychiatrist, and it seems to slowly be working its way into my system. I'm still sad about my babies, and very anxious on a daily basis with a lot of irrational as well as rational fears and worries.

I'm approved for short term disability for my job, and I should finally get a check from that this coming Friday, which is really good because after paying bills, buying groceries, and all these prescriptions and co-pays for doctor office visits, we have less than $100 in the bank now til Friday.

I didn't make it to the potluck, things were going on with my husband at his job, and the day came and it was not something either of us felt up to doing, plus its a really long drive into Houston, and I have a lot of anxiety when in the car, and barely able to drive myself anywhere farther than a two mile radius from my house. (fortunately my psychiatrist is within that two mile radius, as well as the grocery store.) Anywhere else I need to go, my husband has to drive me. Working, especially at my current role, is impossible for me right now.

We also started smoking cigarettes again after quitting for 7 months the day I found out my babies died and I was HIV positive. I left that doctor's office and drove straight to a convenience store and bought cigarettes. I was not in my right mind at the time and now of course I'm kicking myself in the ass for doing it, because I was OVER it and didn't miss them at all. My husband has had a bad reaction to going back to smoking, and he is coughing and hacking so violently that I am seriously concerned for his health. I have to quit as soon as possible so that he will quit to and keep him as safe and healthy as I possibly can.

I have my next visit with my HIV doctor in three weeks, and go back to my psychiatrist this Friday. Just taking things one day at a time right now and trying to claw my way out of the dark.

Thank you to all of you that have read my posts and those of you who have taken the time to comment. Even if I haven't responded to you personally, know that I have read and appreciate every word....I'll post again soon.
Diagnosed July 26, 2013
sep/13 cd4 1008, cd4% 45, vl 19,000
sep/6/13 started Stribild

Offline BT65

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Hi Broken, so glad you checked in.  Just know that all your feelings are totally normal.  Think of what you've just been through.  If you knew someone else who went through the same thing, would you expect anymore out of her?  Just be as gentle with yourself as you would be with someone else.

And don't kick yourself for starting to smoke.  It'll go in time.  I had quit for almost a year and started again thanks to being reviewed by Social Security (which I still don't have an answer from).  I'm not going to get all up in arms about it.  And don't you either.

Keep hanging in there.  We're here!

Betty

I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline ImisstheOldTimes

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Re: I posted this in "I Just Tested Poz" and after 85 views, not one response...
« Reply #27 on: September 04, 2013, 04:43:21 PM »
Well I just read all of this and I want you to know that I too hope that you are doing well, and that it's okay to take the time you need to grieve. I'm sorry everything seemed to come in one foul swoop.

Hope to read from you again soon,
Heidi
Life is a BANQUET, and most poor suckers are starving to death!

                             ~Auntie Mame

Offline Brokenbuthere

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Re: I posted this in "I Just Tested Poz" and after 85 views, not one response...
« Reply #28 on: September 11, 2013, 08:46:24 AM »
Checking in....sorry it's been awhile, but I wanted to wait until I had some real numbers and news.
First of all, I'm feeling a little better mentally. I'm on some really good meds from my psychiatrist, and slowly starting to come out of "the dark". I have good days and bad days.
Now, for the numbers. My husband's initial CD4 has come back at 233, his VL 77,000 and 19%.
My numbers are initial CD4 is 1008, VL 19,000 and 45%. On my own, I wouldn't have had to start meds yet, but because my husband MUST, our doctor said if he started and I didn't I could potentially harm him (reinfection, etc). So I started meds too.
We started Stribild 5 days ago, and so far so good. No side effects for him, but I've been having a bit of nausea, but nothing severe. We take it in the evening with dinner.
I appreciate all of you so much for taking the time to post and send me private messages. I'm sorry if I haven't responded to someone privately, but sometimes it's difficult for me, so I apologize, and please know that I am grateful and that I read every post.
We've been to some support group meetings and met some great people. We have a case worker now and I'm just trying to settle into this new life. I am hopeful for the future. I'm still trying to decide if I want to try to have another baby. I haven't made up my mind yet. I don't know if I could handle another miscarriage.
If anyone else is thinking of starting Stribild or have questions, feel free to ask me, I will try to respond as quickly as possible.
Blessings to you all.
Diagnosed July 26, 2013
sep/13 cd4 1008, cd4% 45, vl 19,000
sep/6/13 started Stribild

Offline BT65

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Re: I posted this in "I Just Tested Poz" and after 85 views, not one response...
« Reply #29 on: September 11, 2013, 05:52:35 PM »
Ah, so good to hear from you and that you're doing so much better!  I'm glad you're reaching out, and that you've been able to start meds.  I'm on Stribild also. 

I wouldn't worry too much about getting pregnant right away.  You need time to heal, emotionally and physically.  Please keep us updated as you can.

Betty
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline karry

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Re: I posted this in "I Just Tested Poz" and after 85 views, not one response...
« Reply #30 on: September 11, 2013, 09:30:14 PM »
Hello and thanks for updating us. I am so glad you are doing much better. Just keep taking it a day at a time.
Huge hugs.
K.
Take it a day at a time....and be positive about it too!

Offline Brokenbuthere

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Re: I posted this in "I Just Tested Poz" and after 85 views, not one response...
« Reply #31 on: September 12, 2013, 08:39:22 AM »
Hi Betty,

How have you been doing on the Stribild? I'm having a little stomach upset, but nothing too bad. I'm curious how others are doing on this medication. My husband is doing very well, no side effects at all so far.
Thanks for your post  :)
Diagnosed July 26, 2013
sep/13 cd4 1008, cd4% 45, vl 19,000
sep/6/13 started Stribild

Offline BT65

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Re: I posted this in "I Just Tested Poz" and after 85 views, not one response...
« Reply #32 on: September 12, 2013, 01:55:04 PM »
Hi Betty,

How have you been doing on the Stribild?

I've been on about 5 months maybe?  I'm a horrible tracker of time.  I've had not too many side effects.  Certainly one of the easiest meds to deal with.  Isentress and Truvada are easy to deal with also.  That's what I was on before Stribild.  I didn't switch due to any resistance, my doctor just thought it would be more convenient.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Wolfey

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Re: I posted this in "I Just Tested Poz" and after 85 views, not one response...
« Reply #33 on: September 27, 2013, 02:03:20 PM »
HI Broken-
I haven't logged on in forever and I just read your thread. My heart goes out to you and your husband with the loss of your babies and your recent diagnosis's. You have been through so much in such a short amount of time. I am glad to see you are feeling a bit better and have been able to get a support system together.

Much love,
Jess

 


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