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I posted this in "I Just Tested Poz" and after 85 views, not one response...

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Checking in....

My husband and I had our first appointment with our HIV doctor. He's really great and has been working with HIV/AIDS since the 80s. He was very confident and reassuring to both of us. We had a lot of blood drawn for all the testing to see where we are at and if we need to start meds yet or not. He answered a lot of questions. We also went to the Montrose Center in Houston and got registered with the Ryan White Foundation, and started working with some counselors there.

I'm on two medications from my psychiatrist, and it seems to slowly be working its way into my system. I'm still sad about my babies, and very anxious on a daily basis with a lot of irrational as well as rational fears and worries.

I'm approved for short term disability for my job, and I should finally get a check from that this coming Friday, which is really good because after paying bills, buying groceries, and all these prescriptions and co-pays for doctor office visits, we have less than $100 in the bank now til Friday.

I didn't make it to the potluck, things were going on with my husband at his job, and the day came and it was not something either of us felt up to doing, plus its a really long drive into Houston, and I have a lot of anxiety when in the car, and barely able to drive myself anywhere farther than a two mile radius from my house. (fortunately my psychiatrist is within that two mile radius, as well as the grocery store.) Anywhere else I need to go, my husband has to drive me. Working, especially at my current role, is impossible for me right now.

We also started smoking cigarettes again after quitting for 7 months the day I found out my babies died and I was HIV positive. I left that doctor's office and drove straight to a convenience store and bought cigarettes. I was not in my right mind at the time and now of course I'm kicking myself in the ass for doing it, because I was OVER it and didn't miss them at all. My husband has had a bad reaction to going back to smoking, and he is coughing and hacking so violently that I am seriously concerned for his health. I have to quit as soon as possible so that he will quit to and keep him as safe and healthy as I possibly can.

I have my next visit with my HIV doctor in three weeks, and go back to my psychiatrist this Friday. Just taking things one day at a time right now and trying to claw my way out of the dark.

Thank you to all of you that have read my posts and those of you who have taken the time to comment. Even if I haven't responded to you personally, know that I have read and appreciate every word....I'll post again soon.

Hi Broken, so glad you checked in.  Just know that all your feelings are totally normal.  Think of what you've just been through.  If you knew someone else who went through the same thing, would you expect anymore out of her?  Just be as gentle with yourself as you would be with someone else.

And don't kick yourself for starting to smoke.  It'll go in time.  I had quit for almost a year and started again thanks to being reviewed by Social Security (which I still don't have an answer from).  I'm not going to get all up in arms about it.  And don't you either.

Keep hanging in there.  We're here!


Well I just read all of this and I want you to know that I too hope that you are doing well, and that it's okay to take the time you need to grieve. I'm sorry everything seemed to come in one foul swoop.

Hope to read from you again soon,

Checking in....sorry it's been awhile, but I wanted to wait until I had some real numbers and news.
First of all, I'm feeling a little better mentally. I'm on some really good meds from my psychiatrist, and slowly starting to come out of "the dark". I have good days and bad days.
Now, for the numbers. My husband's initial CD4 has come back at 233, his VL 77,000 and 19%.
My numbers are initial CD4 is 1008, VL 19,000 and 45%. On my own, I wouldn't have had to start meds yet, but because my husband MUST, our doctor said if he started and I didn't I could potentially harm him (reinfection, etc). So I started meds too.
We started Stribild 5 days ago, and so far so good. No side effects for him, but I've been having a bit of nausea, but nothing severe. We take it in the evening with dinner.
I appreciate all of you so much for taking the time to post and send me private messages. I'm sorry if I haven't responded to someone privately, but sometimes it's difficult for me, so I apologize, and please know that I am grateful and that I read every post.
We've been to some support group meetings and met some great people. We have a case worker now and I'm just trying to settle into this new life. I am hopeful for the future. I'm still trying to decide if I want to try to have another baby. I haven't made up my mind yet. I don't know if I could handle another miscarriage.
If anyone else is thinking of starting Stribild or have questions, feel free to ask me, I will try to respond as quickly as possible.
Blessings to you all.

Ah, so good to hear from you and that you're doing so much better!  I'm glad you're reaching out, and that you've been able to start meds.  I'm on Stribild also. 

I wouldn't worry too much about getting pregnant right away.  You need time to heal, emotionally and physically.  Please keep us updated as you can.



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