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Author Topic: positive and scared  (Read 3162 times)

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Offline alone500

  • Member
  • Posts: 13
positive and scared
« on: July 26, 2013, 05:49:40 PM »
Hi I am 21 years old and I just found out 3 days ago that I am HIV+. I am so scared and I feel so alone. I don't know what to do or what to even think. I just need someone to talk too.

Offline WillyWump

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,017
Re: positive and scared
« Reply #1 on: July 26, 2013, 06:14:40 PM »
Hey there Alone,

I was a bit scared too when I was first diagnosed. I think we all were. But for me that was 5 years ago and I can tell you that today I am healthy, and as happy as I've ever been.

First of all remember you are not going to die, chances are you will live a normal life span If you take all your meds. The meds today are a far cry from what they were years ago. Most are very tolerable, I have zero side effects really, and the meds today are very efficient at getting the virus under control. You may not even have to start meds immediately, it's all going to depend on your "numbers" which are your CD4's and your Viral Load.

Have you scheduled an appointment with an Infectious Disease doctor? Also it would behoove you to get an appointment with a case manager at your local ASO (Aids Services Organization). They can be life savers in helping you

You are not alone. There's a great bunch of people here ready to help you and answer any questions you may have.

-Will
« Last Edit: July 26, 2013, 06:17:29 PM by WillyWump »
POZ since '08

Last Labs-
6/25/13 CD4- 1036, UD,
2/4/13, CD4 - 489, UD, 28%
8/9/12, CD4 not taken, UD.
2/13/12, CD4- 904, UD 42%

Current Meds: Prezista/Epzicom/ Norvir
.

Offline flaconvert

  • Member
  • Posts: 16
Re: positive and scared
« Reply #2 on: July 26, 2013, 07:48:11 PM »
Hello Alone- I know getting that diagnosis can be very scary and overwhelming but rest assured you are not alone and there are people out there that want to help you. Try to be kind to yourself as you adjust to this change. If you adhere to your treatment and keep the viral load low you will likely lead a long life. I have been positive for 24 years and have not yet had any opportunistic  infections. You can do it too.  john

Offline JMMich

  • Member
  • Posts: 16
Re: positive and scared
« Reply #3 on: July 26, 2013, 09:50:35 PM »
Hi alone,

I know exactly how you feel right now. I was diagnosed less than 2 months ago. The first couple days were awful. At first I was just in shock, then I was numb for a couple days.

You've come to a great place. Everyone here has been very friendly and very helpful. If you have a question, any question, be it about services, medication, anything (even just people to talk to), then there is someone here to listen and respond.

The most important thing I can say to you right now is this: don't despair. It will be natural to feel shock, maybe anger, grief, fear, or any number of other emotions. Don't suppress those, but don't let them take over your life for good, either, because this isn't the end. If you take charge of the situation and take care of yourself, it will be okay. If you'd like any more specific tips/advice/what-not from someone who's just recently tread where you are now, I'm happy to talk.

All my best wishes,

-JM

Offline alone500

  • Member
  • Posts: 13
Re: positive and scared
« Reply #4 on: July 27, 2013, 10:55:18 AM »
Thank you all for the comfort and advise. I am trying so hard to be positive. How can I find a Aids Services Organization in the Detroit area?

Offline WillyWump

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,017
Re: positive and scared
« Reply #5 on: July 27, 2013, 12:09:00 PM »
Thank you all for the comfort and advise. I am trying so hard to be positive. How can I find a Aids Services Organization in the Detroit area?

http://www.aidspartnership.org/ 1-800-515-3434

some of what they provide is...

Medical. Help with medical care, medications, dental
 and insurance issues.
Social services. Help with various local, state and
federal insurance and benefits programs.
Legal. Help with durable power of attorney,
guardianship, discrimination.
Support services. Help with financial, medical,
advocacy, substance abuse or mental health issues.
Basic needs. Help with food, clothing and shelter.

Here's another...http://www.detroitmi.gov/DepartmentsandAgencies/DepartmentofHealthWellnessPromotion/Programs/HIVAIDS.aspx (313) 324-9600

Just Google Detroit+Aids Services Organization and you'll see these and others

-Will
POZ since '08

Last Labs-
6/25/13 CD4- 1036, UD,
2/4/13, CD4 - 489, UD, 28%
8/9/12, CD4 not taken, UD.
2/13/12, CD4- 904, UD 42%

Current Meds: Prezista/Epzicom/ Norvir
.

Offline JMMich

  • Member
  • Posts: 16
Re: positive and scared
« Reply #6 on: July 27, 2013, 12:54:37 PM »
Thank you all for the comfort and advise. I am trying so hard to be positive. How can I find a Aids Services Organization in the Detroit area?

Hi again alone,

I'm also in the metro Detroit area. As Will noted, AIDS Partnership Michigan is the primary ASO in our area. They're located in downtown Detroit, so more of a central location for the SE Michigan area. I'd definitely contact them by phone at the very least. If that's too much of a distance for you to travel depending on your exact location (if you wanted to visit the ASO in person), then consider contacting your county health department, as they may have a list of resources available for referral as well; I know that Oakland County does, at least. I personally found that very helpful.

Take care!

-JM

Offline alone500

  • Member
  • Posts: 13
Re: positive and scared
« Reply #7 on: July 27, 2013, 05:23:42 PM »
Thanks you guys,

Just those post are making me emotional because I'm happy to have people to talk to about this. I have never felt so far away from myself. I keep replaying the day the doctor told me, in my head over and over again. I keep thinking will I even be able to afford treatment? There is just a million things going through my mind. I just got a 9-5 job that I can't afford to lose. I haven't been able to eat much, how can I get my mind off of this...I know I'm probably ranting now but I'm just so frightened by all of this..

Offline JMMich

  • Member
  • Posts: 16
Re: positive and scared
« Reply #8 on: July 27, 2013, 05:54:30 PM »
Thanks you guys,

Just those post are making me emotional because I'm happy to have people to talk to about this. I have never felt so far away from myself. I keep replaying the day the doctor told me, in my head over and over again. I keep thinking will I even be able to afford treatment? There is just a million things going through my mind. I just got a 9-5 job that I can't afford to lose. I haven't been able to eat much, how can I get my mind off of this...I know I'm probably ranting now but I'm just so frightened by all of this..

Perfectly understandable, rant away! It can help just to get all the emotions out in the open.

May I ask, have you had any further tests, i.e., blood draws for numbers? I found that it was much easier to rein in the initial fear and emotional roller coaster once I had more solid information than just "you have HIV." Also, if your 9-to-5 comes with health insurance, then it's highly likely you have very little to worry about. Even if it doesn't, the ASOs can put you in touch with the necessary resources.

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,666
Re: positive and scared
« Reply #9 on: July 27, 2013, 05:55:16 PM »

  Hi alone,

    Albeit late, but welcome to the forums.

    As time goes on the head spinning will become less and less.  Regarding treatment, the ASO should be able to help you navigate your possibilities.  If your new job  offers health insurance you may have that as an option down the road when you qualify for it.  If not, once again, the ASO should be able to point you in the right direction.

    It can be tough in the beginning, but it does get better.  Keep your head up.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline alone500

  • Member
  • Posts: 13
Re: positive and scared
« Reply #10 on: July 27, 2013, 07:40:32 PM »
No I haven't, the doctor told me he would call me when I could see a specialist, which is driving me crazy.

Offline tednlou2

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,602
Re: positive and scared
« Reply #11 on: July 28, 2013, 02:40:31 AM »
Alone,

Welcome to the forums.  It is good you reached out so early.  And, it is good you learned your status, before ending up in the hospital, which is the case all too often.  I suspected I was poz for several years.  I was too afraid to test.  Well, I did do an anonymous test, but was too coward to return for the results.  If I had, it may have prevented me from ending up in the hospital and learning my status there.  So, I commend you for testing.

It was very overwhelming for me.  I knew the very basics about HIV.  I'm still learning over 4 years post dx.  I didn't have insurance at the time.  I didn't know how I would afford care.  Luckily, we have an HIV clinic here.  I was seen for free, until I got insurance.  It was confusing at first.  I didn't know much about CD4 counts, viral loads, resistance, etc.  I didn't know about ADAP, which is the program that provides free or assistance with meds. 

Keep in touch here.  Ask any questions you want.  And, stay in care.  So many young people get the diagnosis and then drop out of care.  Hopefully, your labs will show you are in good shape, and you'll have time to learn and deal with things.  Above all, know that you will get through this. 

Ted

Offline mitch777

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,026
  • wish i were here
Re: positive and scared
« Reply #12 on: July 28, 2013, 10:41:24 AM »
Hi Alone,

Just wanted to give you another welcome.
I was 23 when I was "diagnosed" (there were no tests back then) and I'm still here today almost 31 years later. I felt scared and numb when being told too. While I have some health issues related to HIV, most are probably due to the meds in the old days. I have never had an opportunistic infection along the way. As others have said, todays meds are great and there are many service organizations to help you navigate through this. Take it in a step at a time. Keep in touch! :)

m.
31 years hiv+ (oct. 2013) with a curtsy.

Offline alone500

  • Member
  • Posts: 13
Re: positive and scared
« Reply #13 on: July 29, 2013, 06:32:45 PM »
Hey guys, Just updating you all. This is the happiest I been since I found out. Its probably only temporarily, probably will be depressed again tomorrow, but I'm trying to be optimistic.

I called the ASO that you recommended JMMich, but I couldn't get a hold of them. I left a message hopefully they get back to me soon.

Thanks for all the comforting messages you guys, you all don't understand how much it means to me and how much it has comforted me. It's really helping me cope to know that I'm not as alone as I thought.

Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 23,842
Re: positive and scared
« Reply #14 on: July 30, 2013, 06:01:04 PM »
And you aren't alone so just keep reaching out and letting us know how you're doing.

Things are going to get better. Maybe not as fast as you want them to, but you're going to see that your health is going to be cared for and life is going to go on. What seems so enormous right now is going to subside into right size.

A tried and true method I have found to be very helpful when worried and tense is to take good slow and deep breaths in and out. It really helps because somehow things are quite as terrible when you have enough oxygen.

We'll be watching to hear from you. If you think of questions you have write them down to ask both here and of your doc when you see one.

Cheers.
Andy Velez

Offline lnghrn2008

  • Member
  • Posts: 8
Re: positive and scared
« Reply #15 on: July 31, 2013, 10:51:59 AM »
Hey Alone500,

Hope your still hanging in there..I also had to wait a while to see a specialist and it was very nerve racking! I'm 27 and just found out a couple weeks ago that i was pos. My reaction was very similar to yours but this forum really helped set my fears aside and be optimistic. Worse thing was having to contact the ppl i had sex with the past couple months to make sure they go get tested. Did you have to do this too? They started me on medication pretty fast and im getting used to it. One thing that helped was support of friends and also forcing yourself to do things you enjoy. I really didnt feel like going out and having fun on weekends like i usually do but i got myself out and it helped to jus forget about everything goin on. So that relieved alot of the stress i was putting myself through. During the week my emotions were up and down. I couldnt stand to be alone or else I would make myself depressed. But im learning to use this situation to better myself. I have since been working out more often and eating more healthy. Hopefully this will help change you for the better. We made a stupid mistake and jus have to learn from it and move on just like all other mistakes. Im always open to chat if you want to talk. Take care and let us know how your results turn out. Peace!

Offline alone500

  • Member
  • Posts: 13
Re: positive and scared
« Reply #16 on: August 22, 2013, 03:52:08 PM »
Hey guys, I really want to say thank you all again for being there for me. It really helped. these last couple of weeks I have faced some of my darkest moments. Things are getting better though. I finally was able to go for my second test. I spoke a nurse today who told me my numbers. She said they were at 665 and 21,000. I'm not sure exactly how to feel about that but she told me those numbers were pretty good and that I have sometime to think about treatment. It has been really hard to get to see the doctor being that I just started a new job so I don't want to ask for time off so early. This has been so over whelming and my mood has been up and down.

Lnghrn, when u said you hate to do the things you once enjoyed it really made me think about myself and how I'm feeling now. How do I stop beating myself up? Calling myself stupid for doing something that I know better not to do? To live with this consequence has been eating me alive. I want to be brave but I feel like such a coward. I feel like such a fool and pathetic for feeling sorry for myself. 

I think one of the hardest parts is that I moved to Detroit recently which is pretty far away from home, for this new job. It doesnt help that I don't know anyone in my area. I miss my friends, I miss my family, I miss everything about my old life. I sit in front of a desk all day only to go home and be alone again and think about how I ruined my life. sorry, ranting again lol. I guess I needed it. I haven't been on here in a long time and I don't have many people I can talk to about this as I have been hiding my sexuality since..well forever. I know my family is probably wondering why I don't have a girlfriend and when will I be settling down. This has only madee.more depressed now. I just feel like the world is on my shoulders and I am impatiently waiting for the day I'm strong enough to get it off.. Thanks for reading guys I must sound like a big baby but I promise I wasn't this morbid before I found out I was positive. Reading post from you guys has been my only thing that has uplifted spirit. It gives me hope that maybe one day I will genuinely feel happy again. Lnghrn I would definitely take you up on your offer to chat or with anyone who wants to for that matter. If interested I will shoot my email that is if I didn't scared you guys off lol.

Thanks again for caring,
Maybe not so alone after all.
« Last Edit: August 22, 2013, 04:14:55 PM by alone500 »

Offline JMMich

  • Member
  • Posts: 16
Re: positive and scared
« Reply #17 on: August 22, 2013, 08:02:31 PM »
Hi alone, glad to see a post from you again. I'd been wondering how things were going, but I didn't want to pry!

Those are good numbers. I was a bit over 800 and 15,900 on my first labs back in June, and they said I had some time to think about treatment as well. I decided to start sooner than later; just remember, the choice is ultimately yours.

I'd imagine that you'll feel your mood leveling out a bit as time goes by...less of the up-and-down feeling. It just takes time, though how much is different for everyone.

I'm always happy to chat as well, so feel free to take me up on that offer any time you want.

-JM

Offline jaypa1982

  • member
  • Posts: 1
  • Hey. I'm Jay
Re: positive and scared
« Reply #18 on: August 29, 2013, 03:44:38 PM »
Hey, I understand where you are coming from. But I am approaching this
awful blow in a different way and am finding support in people and places I never thought or imagined I would. Im a 30 year old gay man who made the mistake I was always told never to make and its overwhelming to feel alone. If you need to talk, you seem to be starting in a good place :)
Jay Jay

Offline lnghrn2008

  • Member
  • Posts: 8
Re: positive and scared
« Reply #19 on: August 30, 2013, 02:30:48 PM »
hey yea email me! .



edited by Jeff to take out email link .
« Last Edit: August 30, 2013, 03:34:50 PM by Jeff G »

Offline Miss Philicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 23,556
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: positive and scared
« Reply #20 on: August 30, 2013, 03:04:28 PM »
If you don't want people to be able to immediately find your identity on facebook with that email address I'd advise sending it by PM to someone and not posting it directly in the forum.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

 


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