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Author Topic: please confirm that I'm ridiculously paranoid  (Read 2779 times)

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Offline betterdaysahead22

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please confirm that I'm ridiculously paranoid
« on: July 23, 2013, 11:25:42 PM »
Hey guys,  not sure if this is the right forum so feel free to move this post.

My issue is: recently I had  consensual sex with a guy I care about a lot, who knew about my diagnosis.

Unsettling things:
-he wore two condoms but was worried cos they detached from him and were sitting inside me lke a female condom

Reassuring things:
A) I'm almost undetectable
B) it was only vaginal sex
C) I gave him a PEP (1 Truvada)
D) dom was on from the point underwear came off

I told him it was nothing but I wanted him to get tested to ease his mind,  just so he didn't sketch out. How much of a risk are we talking here?

Offline wolfter

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Re: please confirm that I'm ridiculously paranoid
« Reply #1 on: July 23, 2013, 11:43:54 PM »
You're joking, right?  I know I'm making it more difficult for the mods to move/remove this, but this is beyond idiotic.
Complacency is the enemy.  ;)  Challenge yourself daily for maximum  return on investment.

Offline betterdaysahead22

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Re: please confirm that I'm ridiculously paranoid
« Reply #2 on: July 23, 2013, 11:48:15 PM »
Have some tact man. I've only been diagnosed for 6 months and since then I've had hep c and ovarian cancer scares.I still freak out about the little things.

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: please confirm that I'm ridiculously paranoid
« Reply #3 on: July 24, 2013, 12:11:26 AM »


   Hi better,

     Woman to man transmission, with possibly an undetectable viral load, would be considered a very low risk.  With the combination of what I stated above and his panicking to pull out when the condoms fell off I would be willing to bet that he'll be fine.   

     I know you're just trying to be careful, but please understand that one condom would have been sufficient.  I hope this didn't ruin the mood entirely and the two of you enjoy the rest of the evening.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline betterdaysahead22

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Re: please confirm that I'm ridiculously paranoid
« Reply #4 on: July 24, 2013, 12:41:53 AM »
Thank you, that helps heaps :)

Offline Ann

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Re: please confirm that I'm ridiculously paranoid
« Reply #5 on: July 24, 2013, 05:34:06 AM »
You're joking, right?  I know I'm making it more difficult for the mods to move/remove this, but this is beyond idiotic.

Wolfter, you could have simply looked at her posting history to find out that she's young and very new to dealing with being hiv positive.

There was no need to be so nasty. If you couldn't offer words of advice or support, you should have said nothing.

Alternatively, you could have hit the Report to Moderator button if you genuinely thought her post was a wind-up. You should NOT have dealt with it yourself and you've been around here long enough to know better.

Please consider yourself warned!

Ann

Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Ann

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    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: please confirm that I'm ridiculously paranoid
« Reply #6 on: July 24, 2013, 05:39:04 AM »
Have some tact man. I've only been diagnosed for 6 months and since then I've had hep c and ovarian cancer scares.I still freak out about the little things.

Betterdays, you're new here so I'm going to be a bit more gentle with you. However, if someone ever upsets you with their response again (and I hope that doesn't happen), you have two choices.

One, you can give that person a pass, thinking maybe they're having a bad day, and ignore them.

Two, you can hit the Report to Moderator button (and please do this if you feel the need, that's what it's there for) to let a moderator know what's going on, and let us deal with it. The Report button/link appears in the lower right-hand corner of every post. Don't hesitate to use it.

What you should NOT do is respond to them yourself. Responding to nasty comments can have the effect of turning things into an unpleasant back and forth and even more bad feelings all-round.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline RVW123

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Re: please confirm that I'm ridiculously paranoid
« Reply #7 on: July 24, 2013, 05:55:46 AM »
Hi Betterdays,

Sorry to be graphic, but when the condoms came off (it sounds like you were using two together, which isn't a good idea- they can rub against each other and break, so one at once is better even if your worried mind tells you otherwise!) if they were sitting at the entrance to your vagina is it possible they came off as he pulled out?

I'm just wondering because in my experience if a condom has come off during sex, the thrusting action pushes it up into the vagina, making it hard to remove.

If they came off as he pulled out, then he wasn't inside you unprotected.

Offline Ann

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Re: please confirm that I'm ridiculously paranoid
« Reply #8 on: July 24, 2013, 06:09:47 AM »
Okie-dokie, now the unpleasantness has been dealt with.... on to your concerns.

I have moved this thread out of the Someone I Care About forum because that is a section where hiv negative people who have a poz person in their lives can start threads.

I moved it into the Just Tested forum because that is where recently diagnosed people can post about things that are common to the early days of diagnosis and getting to grips with it all.

Don't EVER let a guy wear two condoms again. Using two condoms at a time increases the chances of them breaking, due to the friction of latex-on-latex. (Same goes for two polyurethane condoms as well, or using a female condom and a male condom at the same time - don't.)

Please make sure you read through the condom and lube links in my signature line so you can use them correctly and with confidence.

You need to know this stuff even though you're not the one wearing the condom - you should always make sure your fella is putting it on correctly. This isn't only for his protection, it's also for yours. You don't need to end up with chlamydia or other STI. Chlamydia is THE most prevalent STI in your age group and one of the reasons it is so prevalent is because it can often be present with no obvious symptoms.

Here's a crash-course in making sure a guy is wearing a condom correctly. It starts out with a detailed explaination of how to put one on correctly, from the guy's perspective. It then goes on to explain how you, as the receptive partner, can make sure it's on correctly etc.

There are two main causes of condom breakage.

One is not using enough water-based lube. Not using enough (or any) lube causes friction that may break the condom.

The other is having an air bubble in the tip. When putting a condom on, you need to pinch the tip between the finger and thumb of one hand, while rolling it down with the other.

Once it's on, give it a firm stroke from tip to base while watching the tip. If there is air in the tip, you'll see it. If there IS air in the tip, roll it back up and try again.

If it's dark and you can't see the tip well, when you do (what I call) the "stroke test", when you get to the bottom of the stroke, keep a firm grip of the condom and penis at the base and touch the tip with your other hand.

If there IS air present, you'll feel the bubble making the tip stand up and away from the head of the penis. If there IS NO air, the tip will be sucked up tight against the head of the penis.

Once you're sure there is no air bubble in the tip, apply plenty of water-based lube and go for it.

When you're the receptive partner, you can put the condom on your man to make sure it's on correctly and with no air inside. Even if your man puts the condom on himself, you can still give him the stroke test before you let him enter you. I would strongly advise you to do it every time.

I would also advise you that you reach down periodically to make sure the condom is still on your man. Any time you change positions, have a quick look or feel to make sure the condom is still on him and intact (not broken).

You can use the opportunity to also put more lube on him if needed. Keep in mind that you are far more likely than your man is to know when more lube is needed. If the only lube available is saliva (not advisable but better than nothing and better than something oil-based) USE YOUR OWN to make sure you are well lubed (not for any fear of hiv). Just spit on your fingers and wipe it on your vaginal (or anal) area.


Next up - giving him one of your Truvada tablets did nothing for him whatsoever. PEP consists of taking hiv meds for twenty eight days after a possible exposure. One tablet would not do anything.

He didn't need it anyway - the condoms didn't break and they came off him as he withdrew. He didn't have a risk, even if your viral load was still high.

Always make sure your guy hangs on to the base of the condom when he withdraws after ejaculation. While it coming off during withdrawal poses no risk to him, if his cum spills on your vaginal area it is possible for you to become pregnant (if you're not on the Pill).

Sperm, unlike hiv, can swim and swim they do. It can and does happen that women end up unintentionally pregnant from getting semen on the outer area of the vagina. Sperm are programmed to find that egg and they're determined little so-and-so's.

So your take-away messages are these:

1. Don't ever let a guy wear two condoms at once.

2. Don't ever give a guy your hiv meds. A one-off pill is just a waste of an expensive pill. You should never give your hiv meds to anyone unless it's a situation where that person is already poz and you're giving them some meds (if they're on the same combo) to tide them over when they've run out of their own.

Once your VL is undetectable and has been for six months or so, PEP would not be indicated in the case (for example) of a condom break. But, you shouldn't have any condom breaks if you make sure there's no air bubble in the tip and make sure you're either nice and wet, or if you're not, that water-based lube is being used.

Rest assured hun, your fella wasn't at risk. But please do tell him to not use two condoms in future, with anyone.

Ann


Hi Betterdays,

Sorry to be graphic, but when the condoms came off (it sounds like you were using two together, which isn't a good idea- they can rub against each other and break, so one at once is better even if your worried mind tells you otherwise!) if they were sitting at the entrance to your vagina is it possible they came off as he pulled out?

I'm just wondering because in my experience if a condom has come off during sex, the thrusting action pushes it up into the vagina, making it hard to remove.

If they came off as he pulled out, then he wasn't inside you unprotected.

This was posted as I was writing the above. From Betterday's description of the two condoms "sitting inside me like a female condom" it did not sound as though they were completely up inside her. The female condom has a large outer area that remains outside the vagina.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline betterdaysahead22

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Re: please confirm that I'm ridiculously paranoid
« Reply #9 on: July 24, 2013, 07:56:53 AM »
Thank you so much ann, sorry about the little kerfuffle too. I'll ignore in future I think.

Also thank you for easing my mind, you're a life saver. U should have known better about the double condoms but I guess as it's my first sexual partner other than my ex who gave it up me (as I think you remember) I just wanted to make sure he was as safe as possible. He's the sweeetest guy and I hated seeing him so worried

Offline Ann

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Re: please confirm that I'm ridiculously paranoid
« Reply #10 on: July 24, 2013, 08:17:10 AM »
You're welcome, glad to help.

Something to think about - you can use putting the condom on your partner yourself as part of foreplay. The act of putting one on someone else can be very sexy if you use your imagination. It will also put you in control in the sense that you'll know it's on correctly and unlikely to break. Then you can relax and enjoy. ;)

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline wolfter

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Re: please confirm that I'm ridiculously paranoid
« Reply #11 on: July 25, 2013, 08:46:28 AM »
I do apologize for my crass reaction and the way I responded.  My initial reaction should not have expressed itself so quickly. 

When I read the comment about using 2 condoms, I was angry at the thought that by 2013, there hasn't been great improvements concerning safe sex even after 30+ plus into this pandemic. 

Wolfie
Complacency is the enemy.  ;)  Challenge yourself daily for maximum  return on investment.

Offline Ann

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    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: please confirm that I'm ridiculously paranoid
« Reply #12 on: July 25, 2013, 09:51:13 AM »
Thank you for the apology, Wolfter.

While it's frustrating that people aren't better educated around issues of sex in the 21st century, don't forget that many schools refuse to teach anything other than abstinence. Before you say "they can Google it", there is so much misinformation of the internet that it's just scary. A lot of sites claim there are microscopic holes in condoms (a total bullshit urban myth), for example. Things like that can lead people to think that two are better than one.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

 


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