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Please help, urgent help required

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Bring me sunshine:
Hi, thanks for the reply.

I have said this to my friend. Repeatedly. He will not listen and has said he's cutting me out of his life if I persist with this. His brother has cut him out, the handful of friends he has told have distanced themselves and he fell out with his other best friend because they had to tell two of his ex GFs to get tested.

I appreciate that I probably sound like I'm on some high horse here and I can assure you I am not. I have been talking to a mutual friend about this this morning and he said that he is needlessly and recklessly on an extremely dangerous mission. He is doing a lot of cocaine and is having one night stands. You may think that my views on transmission are naive, they probably are,  but I think anyone who sleeps with him or has unprotected oral sex deserves to be told or at least made aware. Surely that's a given?

I don't want to abandon him but my friend says family members, friends....a lot of people have because his behaviour is so reckless and so dangerous. He is in a very very dark place and I think he needs to be sectioned.

Maybe he's not the kind and amazing friend I thought but I also think his brain has been damaged by all of this and I can't bear to just give up on him when he is at his lowest....

Oral sex is NOT a transmission route.
Otherwise, yeah, you're concerns are valid.
So what do you want from us?
Sounds like its time to say goodbye to him.
You're not going to get much support, in my opinion, in this forum, for your idea of running around warning people to get tested or not to sleep with him.  I mean it makes sense in your moral universe, and I can understand your frustration, but on that point, I don't think HIV+ people have much patience with HIV- people in this area.
I am sorry for you he's on self destruct.  Do what you have to do I guess. Maybe, depending on where you live, there are public health workers and guidelines and they should take over from here. 

Bring me sunshine:
Thank you. I've given this a lot of thought and I've decided to step back a bit.

He needs to tell his ex partners and it is not my place to tell people - it's his job to inform ex and potential partners and while I don't condone what he's doing or the way he has handled this, I can't use my own moral compass to dictate terms or take that power out of his hands. I'm sincerely sorry to anyone I may have offended on the site - it has, and I hope will continue to be, a very caring and understanding community. I have ultimate compassion and empathy for my friend but I think my own indignation and anger got in the way a little. Ultimately I don't know what he is going through and he needs to reach that stage of disclosing to ex partners himself even though it is unlikely he will do so.

You have answered my question and I thank you for that. I need to step away from this a little - I've spent four very intense days with him and it's been quite intense.

One of the things you can do that is very constructive is tell him you love him and that your ideas and concerns about disclosure are heartfelt and that he is free to turn to you to discuss this in the future.  Maybe you have some things to learn, in addition to him.   If he balks, there isn't much you can do. 

If any of these sex partners are YOUR personal friends, real friends, IMO, you have some leeway to speak your mind to them.  Its not "nice" but if all you are doing is informing on facts, in my own opinion, i find this human.  I don't know about the legal issues, nor am I an expert on ethics to really discuss intelligently that.  But contacting strangers, nope.

2 pieces of information that might ease your state of mind are:

1) as for transmission, first of all, you don't know if he is telling you he intends to have unprotected sex.   Also, you are misinformed about oral sex. Also, if he has been on HAART for a moment, chances are he is now or soon undetectable. 

2) EVERYONE is responsible for their own choices as per sex. So the strangers you are worried about are responsible for their choices. 


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