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Please help, urgent help required

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Bring me sunshine:
Hi everyone,

 I recently posted another thread about my friend with a very low CD4 count (was 5, now up to 73) and cryptococcal meningitis. My husband and I just spent 4 days with him (we now live a few hundred miles apart so we wanted to spend quality time with him). His behaviour is not rational and his personality has changed so much - I was expecting this but I did not suspect how much in denial he would be.

 He had a date last night with an old girlfriend who he refuses to tell about the diagnosis and last night they had oral sex and everything else bar penetrative sex. They are now going on another "date" and I think part of him thinks if she is infected too then at least he will have company. This guy is one of my dearest and best friends but he is not facing up to the diagnosis, has only told a handful of people and doesn't see why he should disclose it. I make him sound like a beast - my friend of old is a stubborn mule but he is also kind and intelligent and I can't believe he would do this.

I'm now in a position wondering whether I somehow tell her about this? I can't bear to betray his confidence and I am not sure how long he has left and if he found out I told he would never speak to me again (when I think some people are despairing of him at this stage). Please help me with what I can do in this situation. I am based in the UK. Do I phone a healthcare professional? His sister who is a nurse? Do I contact this girl anonymously (who is in love with him incidentally).

My husband refuses to talk to my friend again and I don't blame him, we've been so kind and generous and loving and supportive and he verbally attacked my husband yesterday. I KNOW this is not my friend but my husband didn't know him for long before so he thinks he has always been this nasty, selfish and obnoxious. I know he's not and I will stick by him but I also can't let him potentially endanger someone else.

I really need your help on this. THANK YOU  :(

skeebo1969:


   Sweetheart, with all due respect-- you are now asking us to help you make a decision that is morality based in your mind.  These are your morals, so in the end you have to do what you feel is right.

   Why do you feel he has limited time? Is there something else you have not told us? With treatment being what it is, and as long as he is adherent to his HIV meds, it's very likely that his hardest battle was staged against the meningitis.

   I'm glad he is back on his feet, although, I don't necessarily agree with his thoughts if those you described are actually what he's thinking.

  A tip:  A hubby who has washed his hands can also double as a messenger. 

skeebo1969:


   I watched a movie with the wife.  It was something I already saw before so I thought a little about the situation you described.

   You might want to sit down with your friend and have a heart to heart, and tell him your concerns.  If what you said is true, and he thinks by infecting this woman it will award him a life partner, he may be disappointed with the results.  She will most likely hate him.

   I agree with you that he may be a bit irrational right now, but it might be caused by something else other than his bout with meningitis.  His own self worth is probably low right now, and with his frame of mind he probably doesn't value the well being of others around him.  It's a pattern of self destructive behavior that he might need someone like you to intervene in. 

   I hope for his sake that none of what you described above is an assumption on your part.  Are these his actual words?  Forgive me, but something here does not sit well with me. 

   

Bring me sunshine:
After he contracted HIV (but before diagnosis) he had unprotected sex with her for almost a year. He has now looked her up again and promised me he would tell her that she needs to get checked but they didn't have that conversation and instead ended up in bed together. He said that while he'd be extremely sad if she had contracted HIV from him then at least they would be in it together.

Another close mutual friend who is extremely worried (and who told two of my friends ex partners to get checked because HE DOES NOT WANT TO DISCLOSE IT) said that he has also said that he told him he intends to have (protected) one night stands and carry on as normal.

I'm sorry for my apparent moral outrage but his refusal to tell a number of ex partners and his assumption that oral sex without protection is ok is not good and worries me enormously.

I say I don't know how long he has left because he has been extremely ill and has discharged himself from hospital. I also say this because his personality has changed completely and he is not thinking at all rationally or sensibly. My heart goes out to him so much and I want to continue to support him but I do feel that he needs to be honest with any potential partners.

mecch:
I'm with Skeebo.  You need to be saying what you are saying to us, to your friend. And NOT to anyone else. 
Your problem is your morality clashing with his. The only way forward is communication between the two of you.
Also, you have SOME, though not complete, ignorance about transmission, and it seems you are ambivalent - uneasy - about sex between sero-discordant people. 

Thats not to say you aren't wise about one thing - yes, your friend is deluded, and IMO immoral, if he thinks he can build a relationship based on lies, withholdings of the truth, and god forbid, infecting someone.  IF he thinks that. IF...

Hey you know what - hash your suspicion about his M.O. out with him.  If its true, and you can't talk some sense into him, he's not all that great as a person and you need to reconsider your friendship.. 

I think you are probably imagining some things, here, but, really, who knows.

Call your friend and speak matter of fact about all this stuff. 

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