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Author Topic: New relationship happening  (Read 2327 times)

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Offline khol99

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  • Posts: 25
New relationship happening
« on: February 26, 2013, 03:48:13 PM »
Ive posted in this forum before in the im infected section, so far negative per my last test 2 weeks ago and keeping as safe as i can make it (safe sex). i moved away from casual sex too and started dating so this is where my issues comes.

I meet this guy a few times now, good looking, sweet, smart, my type and we seem to have clicked the only differences is that he is 20 years older than me (im 23) and hes way along the career line which makes me uneasy. oh and he told me last time that he has been positive since he was 18 but has been undetectable for over a decade with a cell count over a thousand.

He went on to tell me a few stories from the early days that freaked me a bit, esp with me being a hypochondriac and even though he told me stats i dont know what meds hes taking and what hes resistant to, im assuming he is bound to be Resistant to a few things as hes been positive  for so long.

Im not sure where to go from here, first the age difference and his long time poz. im afraid in either stupidly missing out on the best relationship ever, hurting him esp as hes so sweet or going along with him then being infected and being abandoned when im in my 30's cos im too old for his tastes (assuming) and being left behind. if i knew he had none to minimal resistance that would make it easy and only leave the age difference and earning power inequality as an issue, im sorry if i sound like a prat but i would love some advice or perspective.

thank you.

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: New relationship happening
« Reply #1 on: February 26, 2013, 06:17:27 PM »
I am not following your logic very much, about this "resistance" issue.

This fellow is HIV+ and undetectable.  Plus you are going to have safe sex. He is not going to transmit HIV to you.  Even if he had the most virulent resistant virus that results in almost instant death, and bad breath... meaning, you are imagining something.  You are creating a straw man.

Sounds to me like this is a bad match for any number of reasons.... 

But, at the very least - just ask him about these fears of yours.  He sounds very knowledgeable.  I guess.  But you don't think all that logically or fact-based, about HIV.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline jkinatl2

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  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: New relationship happening
« Reply #2 on: February 26, 2013, 06:29:45 PM »
First off, it's great that you found a sweet and caring guy.

The science stuff:

It seems from what you've told us that he is really doing quite well in managing his condition. Honestly, I don't understand why you are at all concerned with his drug resistance profile. He clearly has a drug regimen that works for him, and with at least six new drugs in the pipeline in the coming year alone, I have every faith that even should he inexplicably experience a treatment failure, he is likely to be from out of options.

Resistance issues only come into play when determining which drugs to take, or when a drug regimen falters. They have absolutely no bearing on a drug regimen that's working, and from what you wrote, his really IS working.

Undetectable viral load and over a thousand cd4 cells? His virus is absolutely under control.

Some of us have been on the same regimen for a decade or more, though most of us have moved onto far gentler drugs than were available then. Myself, I have been on my regimen for about six years now, and it is working splendidly. Sadly, I don't have the cd4 numbers that your friend does, but they are slowly inching in the right direction from an all-time low of 12.

If you guys grow to love each other, there really isn't a lot more to it than that. And as far as sex is concerned, I hope you are aware that an undetectable viral load means that it's not in the least bit likely you will become infected, even if a condom breaks. Straight couples who are in serodiscordant relationships often forego condoms in order to conceive, and infection is exceedingly rare in those circumstances (regardless which half of the couple is positive.)

I have just reread your thread in AM I INFECTED, and I absolutely hope that the therapy has been working out regarding your fears around HIV. For both of you, I certainly hope that.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline khol99

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  • Posts: 25
Re: New relationship happening
« Reply #3 on: July 21, 2013, 04:00:48 PM »
Well its been a few months, still going, but my bf (actually has almost 50) wants to only BB, he says he dosent like condoms, its not intimate and because he is a very rough top he says it makes sex artificial. and he is a hard guy to say no to and usually gets his way.

Iam not sure, it seems like a deal breaker, he is very adamant that nothing will happen to me and that he wants to cum inside me, could i ask your opinions about this?

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: New relationship happening
« Reply #4 on: July 21, 2013, 04:25:57 PM »
Sounds like this person isn't respecting your boundaries. Even with an undetectable viral load, your risk as a bottom is not zero. It's very close to it, but it isn't zero.

Given your history of fear regarding HIV infection, you would hope your boyfriend would be sensitive to that, and respect your desire for safer sex.

Of course, you have to decide what is and is not a deal-breaker. But if you are presented with two options, and neither of them gives you both a satisfactory solution, then I am afraid you know the answer already.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline khol99

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  • Posts: 25
Re: New relationship happening
« Reply #5 on: July 21, 2013, 05:06:22 PM »
The issue is not to negotiate it with him, he will win this or make the decision for me, issue would be how big is the risk to me or if i can access PrEP in the uk.
« Last Edit: July 21, 2013, 05:18:32 PM by khol99 »

Offline jkinatl2

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  • Posts: 6,007
  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: New relationship happening
« Reply #6 on: July 21, 2013, 05:30:16 PM »
The issue is not to negotiate it with him, he will win this or make the decision for me, issue would be how big is the risk to me or if i can access PrEP in the uk.

If you receive PrEP, your risk will be even closer to zero than it already is. But like anything having to do with your body, it really is your choice.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: New relationship happening
« Reply #7 on: July 22, 2013, 08:55:14 AM »
Khol, do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who refuses to take no for an answer, who refuses to respect your boundaries, your health or your body? Do you really want to risk getting hiv from someone who isn't showing you any respect? 

Sex without a condom lasts only a matter of minutes, but hiv is forever.

You need to understand that if he's having unprotected sex with other people, he may get or already have another STI - and having another STI can increase seminal viral load.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

 


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